Questions about supportive behaviour

[Lark]

When you have a troubled friend what are the most important things when seeking to be supportive?

Attempt to discover the underlying cause of the troubles or respond to the troubles themselves as is or on the superficial/immediate level?

Offer to support as long as possible, even at the risk of spinning out the troubles, or aim to make it brief?

Is it supportive to entertain reminiscence, analyse the past or to encourage thinking about the future?

 

[WhoCares]

I know its the expected custom and duty of a friend, but isn't the best form of support knowing that our friend is capable and able to figure this out for themselves? My response is to refrain from disapproving of whatever choice they make. Acceptance of them as a person is the greatest kindness and ultimately helps them to believe in themselves, which is the greatest strength.

 

[Wolfie]

After years of investing way too much of myself trying to help troubled friends, I have realized that most of the time troubled people don't actually want help. Stand back, let people help themselves. If they ask you for something within reason, be there. Let them talk to you to let things out, but don't perpetuate the conversation if it seems they are just feeling sorry for themselves. I have found when people are too socially involved with their problems, they are usually just looking to cling to their situation, not get over it.

 

[Thursday]

Only help when they start helping themselves. Pity parties are best when only one person attends.

 

[Ism]

Hum, I discussed this a while ago, interestingly. We were asking each other how we approached these kinds of situations, since he was an RA and was trying to get some insight.

Usually, I try to get to the root of the problem and brainstorm a solution. That's what I think to do when I first encounter the problem, anyways. Then I think about petting them, giving sympathy, wiping away their tears, etc. etc.

 

[KDude]

I offer support, if I'm even around, by sitting there, maybe listening, and zoning out to the TV with them. Best to stay out of their hair. Maybe a rare ESTP moment breaks out and I say "You're so money and you don't even know it!"

 

[gromit]

After years of investing way too much of myself trying to help troubled friends, I have realized that most of the time troubled people don't actually want help. Stand back, let people help themselves. If they ask you for something within reason, be there. Let them talk to you to let things out, but don't perpetuate the conversation if it seems they are just feeling sorry for themselves. I have found when people are too socially involved with their problems, they are usually just looking to cling to their situation, not get over it.

Yeah I have found myself moving in this direction as well. If people don't want to help themselves there's no point in trying to help them help themselves. Be there I guess, be supportive, yes, but anything more is kind of a waste of energy it seems.

 

[garbage]

I try to help tackle the underlying psychological problems, because virtually all other problems will manifest from those.

I may take this too far and play 'psychologist' from time to time, and sometimes I jump to 'solutions' too quickly. I try to figure out what the other person actually needs (advice, a hug, etc. etc.) but that process isn't perfect by any means. In addition, I have a difficult time reacting properly to others' anger--yelling, etc.--but I'm getting better.

I also try to get 'permission' to be balls-out honest with them as soon as possible, which means earning their trust, demonstrating that I've actually got their best interests at heart, and ensuring that they know that I'm merely coming from my own outside perspective (which is good in some ways, bad in others). Being direct is a lot easier than walking on eggshells.

I figure that all of us need some form of support at one time or another, but I can only help those who I think are taking responsibility for their problems.

 

[ceecee]

After years of investing way too much of myself trying to help troubled friends, I have realized that most of the time troubled people don't actually want help. Stand back, let people help themselves. If they ask you for something within reason, be there. Let them talk to you to let things out, but don't perpetuate the conversation if it seems they are just feeling sorry for themselves. I have found when people are too socially involved with their problems, they are usually just looking to cling to their situation, not get over it.

The ones who really want to get over it, the ones who don't constantly have issues and drama, I give them the best solution I can. That's what I would want from a friend as well.