Ask God

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear Our Father who art in Heaven,

Do you have to go to Church to be a Christian?

Dear ilikeitlikethat,

Nope. I think the right church can be a great thing, and sharing your faith in a group makes you stronger. But some churches are BS, and I wouldn't call it a requirement.

Aren't you everywhere? Even on this forum?

Yep. Hi! In one of the parts of the Bible that people actually interpreted correctly, it says "wherever two or more of you gather in my name, I am there."

Sure, I get the whole 'sacrifice your time for your worship' thing oh Lord, but, I think with this brain you have blessed me with, God, I thank you and suggest that 'If a Christian enjoys going to church' because of the many benifits of going to Church such as your praise and the blessings of congregation and staying out of trouble oh Heavenly Father, I think/feel that, if they enjoy that and having fun, there's no wrong in that, but I wonder if Christians are in danger of shutting themselfs out from the unsaved, and forgive me, but, that seems a bit selfish, to me, amen.

I think you are on the right track with your thoughts about church attendance, but I don't agree with the last part. I can't see how one hour a week of congregating with your fellow believers shuts you out from the unsaved. Let's see. On average, you have 40 hours for work, 56 hours for sleep, 14 hours for eating, 3 hours for showering (I hope), 7 hours for screwing around on the internet, 3 hours for watching football, and 1 hour for church. That still leaves 44 hours for hanging around with the unsaved. What's stopping you?

 

[RaptorWizard]

Dear God, if you have a personality type(s), what would it be?

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Ask yourself what you would ask God.

Dear Fluffywolf,

Nobody has ever asked me what I would ask myself!

1. Why did you make us?
2. Was the duckbill platypus an accident? Seriously.
3. You know that card that shows the ranking of poker hands? Can we get a list like that for sins? Sometimes we need to know which ones can be committed in order to avoid committing others.
4. Team Edward or Team Jacob?

God, why are us humans left here to ponder? Why do we possess questions instead of answers? What is my mission in life?

Dear 88reconcile88,

You are left to ponder because I gave you an awesome brain! Giving you all the answers is sort of like cheating, isn't it? Use that brain and the brains of your friends and family to help you figure things out. Sometimes you wind up with Crystal Pepsi or Cop Rock, but usually you guys come up with pretty good answers.

What's the difference beween God and a surgeon?

Dear Victor,

Wait, wait, I know this one!

God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Dear Fluffywolf,

Nobody has ever asked me what I would ask myself!

1. Why did you make us?
2. Was the duckbill platypus an accident? Seriously.
3. You know that card that shows the ranking of poker hands? Can we get a list like that for sins? Sometimes we need to know which ones can be committed in order to avoid committing others.
4. Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Heh, my main intention with that quote was that if you ask those questions yourself and can't reach an answer, then it is pointless to ask those questions to God.

I really like your third question though and would like to get into that deeper! If everyone would have the same belief, and everyone would adhere the same rules and commandments, then no one would ever need to break any single one of them. But if someone else intends to break a commandment, but you could prevent that from breaking another commandment yourself (I'm assuming you focused on the issue of killing in wars) would that breaking of the commandment than be justified? Because if a group of people would always adhere to the commandments, but was attacked, they would simply be wiped out after all. Doesn't seem a smart choice.

 

[ilikeitlikethat]

Dear ilikeitlikethat,

Nope. I think the right church can be a great thing, and sharing your faith in a group makes you stronger. But some churches are BS, and I wouldn't call it a requirement.



Yep. Hi! In one of the parts of the Bible that people actually interpreted correctly, it says "wherever two or more of you gather in my name, I am there."



I think you are on the right track with your thoughts about church attendance, but I don't agree with the last part. I can't see how one hour a week of congregating with your fellow believers shuts you out from the unsaved. Let's see. On average, you have 40 hours for work, 56 hours for sleep, 14 hours for eating, 3 hours for showering (I hope), 7 hours for screwing around on the internet, 3 hours for watching football, and 1 hour for church. That still leaves 44 hours for hanging around with the unsaved. What's stopping you?

Thanks for that, I'm glad church attendence isn't a requirement though I think it's good.
There's a whole lifestyle around church, if you let it, full of prayer, bible study and fellowship with a strict set of rules that if you break, such as, no 'getting jiggy until married in a church' - or something, you seek forgiveness, which, is smart... and stuff... considering I don't know my Bible and the Bible's old, which dated back to a time before this that and the other (Birth Control, Lesbians, Clones and I.M.F (fertility treatment)... There's a lifestyle that is quite benificial, to being a Christian and being filled with the Holy Spirit... I think that lifestyle is what may seperate a Christian from the unsaved and maybe even blind that Christian and lie to that Christian speaking unknowningly for the Devil in Jesus's name.
Like... If God decides to make a second comming.
And God in his bountiful wisdom and glory decides to impregnate a lesbian couple, who then gets shunned by conservitive Christians; that would be a
"virgin"
birth.

I don't think going to church alone shuts you out from the unsaved; it's the lifestyle.
I liked your input and your answers to my questions, thank you.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Are you an INTJ because you're God or are you God because you're INTJ?

Dear Redbone,

This sounds like a "chicken or the egg" question, but as you see in the beginning of this thread, I'm not afraid of answering that one either. I'm God before I'm my type.

Dear God,

Are blow jobs sinful?

Sinfully exquisite! Seriously, I don't know why you guys spend so much time parsing which sexual acts are okay and which are not. It's about 437986732th on my list of concerns. Even the Catholics say it's okay to have sex with your spouse simply because it's fun and it strengthens the bond of marriage. I don't see how blowjobs don't fall under that description.

The only thing that truly bothers me about humans and sexuality is that birth control technology has made reproduction feel so removed from sex that you have the amazing chutzpah to think you're not responsible or that something "happened to you" when you have sex and wind up pregnant. I'm not going to tell you not to have sex for fun. It IS fun. But I am going to suggest that while I am pro-choice, I think you make your choice when you engage in behavior that was, you know, designed to make babies. When you jump in a shark tank and a shark eats you, did that happen to you or did you do it? It's not that hard to figure out.

dear god,
please tell me what to do with my life, but make sure i like the answer.
love skye

Dear skylights,

Love your friends and family, do your work diligently, be kind to those less fortunate than you, and stop to smell the roses. (Also, eat lots of cheese. Mmm. Vegans are cray cray.)

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Bo Burnham asked me to ask you this:

Dear God, dear Lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard of a sword,
Dear good all seeing being,
My way or the highway, Yahweh.
The blue balls, anti masturbator,
The great all loving faggot hater,
I'd like to thank your holy might,
For making me both rich and white,
And though this is your day of rest,
I come to you with one request,
There's so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people,
Sadness where there should be joy,
Hate and rape and Soulja Boy,
A world in darkness needs your light,
So I'm sure your schedule's pretty tight,
But my dog just had surgery,
If you could fix that first.......JESUS"

Dear Forever_Jung,

I would recommend that if Mr. Burnham is seeking favors, he should probably try a little harder to avoid using tired and inaccurate cliches to describe me.

Is it 'octopi' or 'octopuses'?

Dear Victor,

"Octopuses" (or "octopodes") is actually more correct, but I just think it's cool when pluralized words end in -i. So octopi it is! See, God can have flights of fancy, too.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear God,

Can you heat a burrito up so hot even you cannot eat it?

Love,
Homer Jay Simpson

Dear jontherobot,

I must confess - when I saw that episode and heard Homer ask Flanders that very question, my head almost exploded. However, a more sober search for the answer led me to conclude that I could not heat a burrito so hot that I couldn't eat it. I am capable of heating a burrito as hot as I want, but the burrito would incinerate long before it got hot enough to burn me.

Dear God, if you have a personality type(s), what would it be?

Dear RaptorWizard,

YHWH.

 

[AgentF]

dear god,

i must ask. have you been showing your genitals on the internet, too?

love,
agent f

 

[A window to the soul]

Dear God,

Would the world be any different if I was never born? Have I impacted any lives in a positive way?


Love,
ng

 

[Jonny]

Dear God,

I heard on the news today that you're responsible for helping Hamas in the fight against Israel. Is that true?

Lots of love,

Jonnyboy

 

[ilikeitlikethat]

To our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be your name,

y gd?

Amen

 

[FigerPuppet]

Dear God,

Do you even lift?

PS:

 

[Rad3k]

Hello God,

How can I be sure that you're not only a creation of my imagination? That the whole world doesn't exist only in my mind, and that in fact, I'm not God instead, but only don't know about it?

By the way, how does it feel like, being God? Does it get lonely, boring, or feel meaningless?

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

dear god,

i must ask. have you been showing your genitals on the internet, too?

love,
agent f

Dear Agent F,

It would be pointless for me to show my genitals on the internet, as human eyes cannot process their splendor.

Dear God,

Would the world be any different if I was never born? Have I impacted any lives in a positive way?


Love,
ng

Dear Nerd Girl,

Of course the world is different because you were born! Haven't you seen It's A Wonderful Life? Get thee to the Netflix! Now, as for you having a positive effect on lives - you haven't been shanked by anyone, have you? (Have you?) That's a pretty good sign in the affirmative. If you don't believe me, just wait until Christmas. Every gift you get is someone saying they're happy to have you around. Or at least that they don't want to shank you.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear God,

I heard on the news today that you're responsible for helping Hamas in the fight against Israel. Is that true?

Lots of love,

Jonnyboy

Dear Jonnyboy,

Even I am not touching that one. And I'm fucking GOD.

 

[miss fortune]

dear god,

why is humanity so complex? will we figure out whether the universe is expanding or contracting before we ever figure out why people are as odd as they are?

sincerely, whatever

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

To our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be your name,

y gd?

Amen

Dear ilikeitlikethat,

Please rephrase in English. Thanks!

Dear God,

Do you even lift?

PS:

Dear Smileyman,

Do I lift? Jesus, man, have you never heard the song "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands"? The WHOLE WORLD. And I do fifty reps, too.

As for your postscript, please give ilikeitlikethat back his drugs. Nobody likes a thief.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Hello God,

How can I be sure that you're not only a creation of my imagination? That the whole world doesn't exist only in my mind, and that in fact, I'm not God instead, but only don't know about it?

By the way, how does it feel like, being God? Does it get lonely, boring, or feel meaningless?

Dear Rad3K,

Why is everyone who writes to me lately hitting the bong? But seriously, you can't know for sure. That's why faith is important. I'm pretty sure you are not God, though. Otherwise you wouldn't have to ask me how it feels to be God. Mind: Blown.

Being God is actually pretty great most of the time. It's like being a parent, but also having the best model train set EVER. I promise I don't make things crash on purpose.

Mostly.

dear god,

why is humanity so complex? will we figure out whether the universe is expanding or contracting before we ever figure out why people are as odd as they are?

sincerely, whatever

Dear whatever,

Humanity is so complex because I wanted you guys to be not only awesome, but independent. That involves a LOT of variables. Asking WHY people are odd is beside the point. They just are. Sometimes if you make something just right, it takes on a life of its own.

P.S., it's expanding.

 

[miss fortune]

Dear whatever,

Humanity is so complex because I wanted you guys to be not only awesome, but independent. That involves a LOT of variables. Asking WHY people are odd is beside the point. They just are. Sometimes if you make something just right, it takes on a life of its own.

P.S., it's expanding.

dear god,

so futurama was right along the correct path with this exchange:

God Entity: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket.

Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money.

God Entity: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

... and will the universe ever contract or continue expanding forever?

sincerely, whatever