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Ask God

Tamske

Writing...
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Dear God,

since you mentioned souls not so long ago, here are a few questions about them.

1) What are souls made of? How does soulstuff interact with ordinary matter?

2) You said you didn't give souls to animals. Did you give them to humans? Where do you put the distinction between human and not? Is it possible to meet a Neanderthal in heaven? An Australopithecus Afarensis?
 
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You're a clever one, god, though apparently not clever to enough to prevent them from evolving. Where are the limits of your love?

Nicodemus,

There are no limits to my love. There are limits to my mercy, though. I extend mercy to those I feel are both redeemable and open to my love. Sadly, there is only so much I can do.

Why did you order Abraham to murder his son?

Don't you know this is a criminal offence under Australian law?

Victor,

I have seen hubris before, but this may take the prize. I don't believe I am subject to prosecution under Australian law. I am a jurisdictional nightmare!
 
Joined
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Messages
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Dear God,

since you mentioned souls not so long ago, here are a few questions about them.

1) What are souls made of? How does soulstuff interact with ordinary matter?

2) You said you didn't give souls to animals. Did you give them to humans? Where do you put the distinction between human and not? Is it possible to meet a Neanderthal in heaven? An Australopithecus Afarensis?

Tamske,

1. Souls are made of 80% polyester, 10% ground unicorn horn, 6% high fructose corn syrup, and 4% proprietary substances. Souls are permeable when inside the body, but become impenetrable outside it. The mechanism for such a thing is in that secret 4%. Sorry!

2. I do give souls to humans. I give souls to sentient beings that have the capacity to reason and exercise free will. It's quite possible that you might meet a neanderthal in heaven. (For instance, George "The Animal" Steele is up here.) But keep in mind that such delineations are a human construct, not a godly one.
 

Redbone

Orisha
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Also, I do have the answer to the question you are too shy to ask: Yes, but only the red kind, and only if he agrees to go with you.

Dear God,

I'm just way too shy to ask. Need to be nudged.

Next question: Why did we humans have to miss the awesomeness of dinosaurs? I mean, beyond the obvious humans-as-prey thing. Will You ever bring them back to the earth again?

P.S. I hope You enjoyed the incense that I burned on my private altar.
 

citizen cane

ornery ornithologist
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Dear God,

Are you really going to send half of humanity into a pit of eternal pain and suffering just because you're too lazy to bother making your existence known?
 

Antimony

You're fired. Lol.
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Dear God,

Please don't destroy the earth.

Wait, I have to form that into a question...

Dear God,

What is, please do not destroy the earth?
 
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Dear God,

Hope you're not away on business much longer.

Lark,

I am never away on business. YOU are my business. Well, I don't mean like YOU you, I mean like the collective "you". Although you are part of the collective "you", so I guess you are my....you know what? Let's just say I am never away on business.

Dear God,

I'm just way too shy to ask. Need to be nudged.

Redbone,

If you want to ask, you will ask. I don't have time to Oprah you. I have football games to fix.

Next question: Why did we humans have to miss the awesomeness of dinosaurs? I mean, beyond the obvious humans-as-prey thing. Will You ever bring them back to the earth again?

P.S. I hope You enjoyed the incense that I burned on my private altar.

Didn't you see Jurassic Park? Honestly, waiting until the dinosaurs were dead to unleash you people was one of my best ideas. You can't even protect yourselves from sharks. THEY CAN'T EVEN COME OUT OF THE OCEAN OR THEY DIE. Yet, you still allow them to eat you. You should just feel lucky you don't all have safety scissors.

And...I gotta be honest. The incense and the altar creeped me out a little. But you keep it real, Redbone.
 

Haven

Blind Guardian
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God, does that one girl like me? You know who I'm talking about. The hot runner that's getting her masters in physics.
 
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Dear God,

Are you really going to send half of humanity into a pit of eternal pain and suffering just because you're too lazy to bother making your existence known?

Wow, wheelchairdoug...really? I don't know where to begin with that. It combines all the worst misinterpretations of me into one concise little question.

First of all, I don't send anyone to hell. Didn't you ever have that one smug teacher that gave you an F and said, "I didn't fail you, wheelchairdoug...you failed yourself"? Well, I hate to say so, and I hope she's not reading this, but that teacher was right.

As to the second part of your question, you are the first person I've encountered that has attributed the mystery of my existence to sloth. How lazy do you have to be to not just wave and say, "Yes, I'm really here. Sup?" Are you saying that I'd put in all the work of creating the entire universe, but not say hi because I feel like watching a little TV instead? You may not like my plan, but rest assured, it is a plan. Getting back to the point of your question, I find fault with your assertion that people go to hell because I do not reveal myself in plain sight. There are plenty of people in heaven, and I didn't send a singing telegram only to them. There is ample evidence for those who want to see it. It's true that everyone in hell was not explicitly told of my existence. But correlation does not prove causation.

Dear God,

Please don't destroy the earth.

Wait, I have to form that into a question...

Dear God,

What is, please do not destroy the earth?

Antimony,

Jeopardy! is my favorite show, too! That Trebek bugs me, though. When he reads the answer like he knew it all along, he sounds like he thinks he knows as much as me! I'd like to see how well his ass would do without those little blue cards!

But I digress. As I've mentioned before, I don't really DO things. I let things happen. And I'm afraid that, by the rules of the physical universe I've set up, eventually the Earth will be destroyed. The most likely cause will be the Sun expanding and burning the Earth to a crisp. Second most likely is a pandemic of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. Third is poison monkeys. On the bright side, you will be long dead by the time any of these happen. So take heart! And thanks for enjoying my creation enough that you don't want it to go away.
 

Qlip

Post Human Post
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Dear God,

I would like a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas with a compass in the stock and... a pair of goggles. Don't tell me this is Santa's job, I know the truth.
 

Antimony

You're fired. Lol.
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Dear God,

Why would there be poison monkeys and not me? :cry:

I'M NOT LOVED ENOUGH BY YOU!!!
 

Tamske

Writing...
Joined
Oct 22, 2009
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Dear God,

This was the best answer I've ever had about souls.

1. Souls are made of 80% polyester, 10% ground unicorn horn, 6% high fructose corn syrup, and 4% proprietary substances. Souls are permeable when inside the body, but become impenetrable outside it. The mechanism for such a thing is in that secret 4%. Sorry!
Now you DO know I'm going to experiment, don't you?
2. I do give souls to humans. I give souls to sentient beings that have the capacity to reason and exercise free will. It's quite possible that you might meet a neanderthal in heaven. (For instance, George "The Animal" Steele is up here.) But keep in mind that such delineations are a human construct, not a godly one.
So I expect not so much humans there, but lots of dolphins and, of course, mice... :)
 

Kierva

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tumblr_lnvzirJTym1qetl8zo1_500.jpg
 

wildflower

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Jul 8, 2011
Messages
317
God, since you also live in LA would you do something about the traffic? how about another carmaggedon? i'd like to drive to the westside in 10 minutes please.
 
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[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5X4N2exOsU"]Cookie Monster's Away on Business[/YOUTUBE]

So let it be written, so let it be told: C is for cookie, and that's good enough for me.

God, does that one girl like me? You know who I'm talking about. The hot runner that's getting her masters in physics.

Haven,

You know I can't tell you that, it's not fair. Sometimes you have to show your work, you know? Ask her out, and you'll feel much better if she says yes than if I'd made your path smoother. Good luck!
 
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Dear God,

I would like a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas with a compass in the stock and... a pair of goggles. Don't tell me this is Santa's job, I know the truth.

Qlip,

Your disbelief in Santa notwithstanding, I don't give presents. I give gifts. Damn, that's good! I should have t-shirts made up.

Besides, you'll shoot your eye out.


Dear God,

Why would there be poison monkeys and not me? :cry:

I'M NOT LOVED ENOUGH BY YOU!!!

Antimony,

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. The Byrds said it, and before that Ecclesiastes said it, and it's still true. Besides, do you really still want to be on Earth in 3,500 years when the poison monkeys take over?*

*Allegedly

Dear God,

This was the best answer I've ever had about souls.

Why thank you, Tamske! A blessing on you and yours!
 
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