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Why are people purposely mean?

Lily flower

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I have always wondered why there are people who are mean on purpose to other people. I can understand unintentional meanness - you know, the misunderstanding type, but I really don't understand intentional meanness.

My daughter is reading a book about dealing with "mean girls," and it stated that the purpose of these girls is to inflict pain. Why would that be a motivation for someone? I am always devastated when I think I have even done something small, like hurt someone's feelings.

Any ideas?
 

Eckhart

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I don't know. It provides them probably some kind of fun, the feel of having power over the other person. Or fame in their "friend circle". When you have no respect for the other people, maybe because you just are not able to see from the perspective of another person or lack emphathy, you might probably have no scruple to decide that it is a worthy behaviour.

I am sick of how common it is though. I never participated in bullying other people or talking bad about people behind their back just for the sake of it, because it felt always disgusting to me even when I was a child / teenager. I know though many other people around me had less scruple. I wish I would have had also the courage to really oppose those who did that to others when I was younger rather than just staying away from it, but well, I wasn't in a that strong position.
 

ZPowers

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I've been intentionally mean, but only when extremely upset. It is something like "I'm at a point right now where I am upset enough that I just don't care about what you are feeling, I'm personally going through something very bad and diplomacy and manners have fallen out the window head-first." But, of course, no one goes through life continually that upset.

In terms of bullying, I think some do it to fit in with others and do not mean it. I did that once and regretted it. It's retrospectively ironic that, in elementary school, someone like me who had trouble finding friends took it out on others whom where like me to please the kind of folks that tormented us 'losers'.

I don't understand it. I don't understand why people hunt exclusively for pleasure, when I feel like I'd be racked with guilt (I've killed one thing larger than a bug: a mouse with a broken leg two years ago. It still bothers me. I also usually put bugs outside in paper towels). I don't understand wider cruelty or violence. I've read a huge deal about serial killers and people who commit murder (which I started after extreme violence shook my entire town, took a number of lives, and left several older friends with PTSD when I was about 11) and after many years I still don't understand any better. I honestly don't think it's within explanation.
 

Mole

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Mean Girls

I have always wondered why there are people who are mean on purpose to other people. I can understand unintentional meanness - you know, the misunderstanding type, but I really don't understand intentional meanness.

My daughter is reading a book about dealing with "mean girls," and it stated that the purpose of these girls is to inflict pain. Why would that be a motivation for someone? I am always devastated when I think I have even done something small, like hurt someone's feelings.

Any ideas?

The book, "Odd Girl Out - the Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls", by Rachel Simmons was made into a movie called, "Mean Girls".

And to see Rachel Simmons and hear why girls are mean, click on -

http://vimeo.com/6695443

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Otlkbsmmrc

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8AWpR5rsOo&NR=1

Or see the trailer for, "Odd Girl Out" -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy0SnBejYgI&feature=related

And part 1 of the movie, "Odd Girl Out" -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvS-hZNRRuY&feature=related
 

Amethyst

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Because their stepfathers touched them at night...they have to take it out on someone.
 

Giggly

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The short answer: they have big egos and thrive on competition. They also have no heart and weak empathy. They constantly seek competition out in order to feed their insatiable ego, which is necessary for them or they can't feel good about themselves or feel valuable. They find their own value in their ability to "conquer" others.

Weak people are perceive to be too easy and not a real contender but are like hors d'oeuvres that they need to feed on/steamroll until they find the bigger, more satisfying "kill".
 

disregard

mrs
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Fear.

Of the unknown, of losing something to you, of getting hurt, of becoming obsolete, of being out-grouped...

It's a Get them before they get you state of mind that makes us act like that.
 

Queen Kat

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As a young girl I was mean a lot to other girls. When I was very little I was always sweet to everyone, but later I noticed that other children were mean to me and other children and that exactly those children were also the ones that always got the most awesome toys. Next to that, I also learned that the best way to handle mean kids was by being mean back to them. So, the mean behaviour got linked to two positive things: nice expensive toys (I never got nice toys because my parents were unemployed until I was 9) and scaring other mean children away. That made me turn mean at some point when I was eight and then I also found out that being mean was a lot of fun. I kept being that way, until the circumstances forced me to be overly nice and become a doormat.
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

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I agree with the concept that the two main reasons are an assertion of power, as is humankinds way of rising above another and the fear of losing that power.
 

Saslou

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I would like to *hope that people are not intentionally mean but rather they have issues such as insecurity, childhood trauma's etc which make them behave the way they do as they have not been addressed. Those who have been purposely mean to me, i try and look at their behaviours and *hope that karma bites them on the ass to the power of three.

*hope is not reality though.
 

Beargryllz

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Assertions of dominance are to be expected by social animals, and these assertions are rarely well-received by the losing party.
 

Mole

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Assertions of dominance are to be expected by social animals, and these assertions are rarely well-received by the losing party.

Yes, that is why various societies have complex and subtle ways of expressing dominance and deference.

And the way of expressing dominance and deference are different in different societies.

And where the ways of expressing dominance and deference in our own society are taken for granted, they is all but invisible in other societies.

And this is why we have continual misunderstandings between those from different societies.
 

StrawMan

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Some people are selfish and weak. They aim to feel more powerful by putting other people down, and lifting their own rank in the social pecking order.
 

Lark

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Some people try to get other people to feel their emotions for them because they cant handle the emotions themselves, like the kid who someone laughs at who immediately turns to another and makes them a laughing stock instead. Affective idiots.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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People are mean when they have a constant need prove and validate their own sense of power. (as others have said)

Assertions of dominance are to be expected by social animals, and these assertions are rarely well-received by the losing party.
It is important to note that the categories of "mean" and "dominant" are not synonymous. Dominance is also a quality of charisma and positive reactions. Social creatures require cooperation, so intentionally harming one in a group requires a net positive response from that group. Meanness is also alienating by nature, and very often alpha animals are granted their position by their natural dominance of strength and capability and not simply their willingness to harm other members of their community. An alpha that is too "mean" will tend to absorb the resources of the group and cause its destruction. Regardless of how strong or mean a single member of a group may be, in social animals there is always the possibility of the group joining together to resolve the imbalance of power, so that can place a natural limit on "meanness".

Example: We have three large dogs that are of dominant breeds, and so our family functions much like a dog pack. My role is to assert dominance to be one of the alphas. This requires raising my voice at times and demonstrating strength. This is to impose order because I know myself to be the capable leader. There is nothing in the dynamic that is related to a desire to harm. Many times alpha animals instinctually know their capabilities and that their pack will survive best with them as leader and so their show of strength is in place for a net effect of help for the group. The more submissive members of the group do not accept this strength with personal suffering. Dominance is often reassuring just as it is for children who suffer when a sense of order and capable dominance is not demonstrated.
 

highlander

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I think there are many possibilities. My theory is that several things may be at play:
- they are unhappy people and misery loves company
- they have been hurt in the past and are treating others in the way they have been treated themselves or are taking this hurt out on others
- they are insecure and are mean to others to feel more powerful or secure
- they lack empathy and may not even aware they are being mean
- they are a sociopath
- their ego and sense of self importance is out of whack

These are a few. I think there can be lots of reasons.
 
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