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Why are people purposely mean?

Beargryllz

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It is important to note that the categories of "mean" and "dominant" are not synonymous. Dominance is also a quality of charisma and positive reactions. Social creatures require cooperation, so intentionally harming one in a group requires a net positive response from that group. Meanness is also alienating by nature, and very often alpha animals are granted their position by their natural dominance of strength and capability and not simply their willingness to harm other members of their community. An alpha that is too "mean" will tend to absorb the resources of the group and cause its destruction. Regardless of how strong or mean a single member of a group may be, in social animals there is always the possibility of the group joining together to resolve the imbalance of power, so that can place a natural limit on "meanness".

You are correct. I don't know nearly enough about the psychology of dogs, but I imagine a display of dominance does start one of these failsafe mechanisms to prevent excessive harm to the group.
 

Thalassa

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It depends on what you mean by "purposely mean." I think most people deserve basic kindness, and that vulnerable people deserve extra kindness and help. My instinct is to help and/or protect those who are weaker than I am.

IRL I often agree with people just to not be unpleasant, and sometimes even put up with assholes when I'd rather not. I speculate that this is why I get so argumentative on the Internetz, because I refrain from starting shit with most people IRL.

On the other hand, some people are such arrogant pieces of shit that they don't deserve to be treated with respect, and I'm very adverse to allowing mean people and arrogant people to 'get away with things.' I think some people's behavior is so incredibly loathesome that I think the greater sin would be to enable them or even allow them to continue their shitty treatment of others.

I also think sometimes people need a kick in the ass for their own good, and that's not actually being "mean" but some people might view it that way. "Cruel to be kind" and all that.

Also, verbal sparring can be hella funny. I find it witty and amusing.

But it appears in the OP that you're talking about actual sadism, which is something that I seriously do not understand either.
 

Beargryllz

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It depends on what you mean by "purposely mean." I think most people deserve basic kindness, and that vulnerable people deserve extra kindness and help. My instinct is to help and/or protect those who are weaker than I am.

IRL I often agree with people just to not be unpleasant, and sometimes even put up with assholes when I'd rather not. I speculate that this is why I get so argumentative on the Internetz, because I refrain from starting shit with most people IRL.

On the other hand, some people are such arrogant pieces of shit that they don't deserve to be treated with respect, and I'm very adverse to allowing mean people and arrogant people to 'get away with things.' I think some people's behavior is so incredibly loathesome that I think the greater sin would be to enable them or even allow them to continue their shitty treatment of others.

I also think sometimes people need a kick in the ass for their own good, and that's not actually being "mean" but some people might view it that way. "Cruel to be kind" and all that.

Also, verbal sparring can be hella funny. I find it witty and amusing.

But it appears in the OP that you're talking about actual sadism, which is something that I seriously do not understand either.

We could label it sadism, but it would just become another human belief. There has to a mechanism in play for a course of action, deemed inappropriate by a majority, to be undertaken anyway. I've always assumed it was an evolutionary advantage to be "sadistic" but also "get away" with it. Sadism with cunning is one of the most terrifying combinations out there for a person, after all. This is doubly true because they openly threaten the majority and posses an arguably greater set of attributes for confrontation, truly the definition of a monster.
 

prplchknz

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sometimes people ask for it. You can only take so much stupidity out of a person before you become a sarcastic asshole towards them.
 

Thalassa

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I don't think sadism is an evolutionary advantage. If anything, it often leads to one's own demise eventually. I think it's generally considered a form of mental illness when it's in the extreme.
 

jenocyde

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some people don't even realize they're being mean - the recipient could just be more sensitive than they are.

and of course, some people are mean because they have a lot of built up anger, for whatever reason.

and some people have been the victim for so long that they need to exert dominance over someone else.
 

TheHollyLlama

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The reason why others feel the need to inflict emotional pain is YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! .... I have no idea why I just said that. I guess I'm no help.
 

Mole

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The reason why others feel the need to inflict emotional pain is YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! .... I have no idea why I just said that. I guess I'm no help.

You are so mean! You are so mean! You are so mean! But why am I complaining, for we are all meaning creating animals.
 

entropie

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In response to the op:

I personally think that the most of people's meaniness stems from being egoistical and wanting things rather for their own than to see others being successful. There was a guy lately on TV, I'ld type enfp, who wrote a book named "The art of not being an egoist" and that guy was really good, I liked almost everything of what he said. He said that humanity tends to have a sense for unfairness but not for fairness. He said, when having a cushion fight with his 8 year old son and he is in a better position, like standing on a box or the couch, his son will say that the game is unfair. But when they've switched positions and his son is on the couch, the son wont say its unfair again. This is a good example that shows that sensing unfairness is an evolutionary thing and is obviously imprinted in our very gene code. But being fair, everyone has to learn.

If you take a look at our society, you sense unfairness everywhere. It can even make you go mad if you really dig deep into the matter. Food industry for example that wants to minimize their costs everywhere and let kids work for our coffee. There was a good documentation lately on television about Nestle, who buy their beans from Columbia. A reporter made the documentary and showed that you can have a kid to work on your farm for you for $250 on the black market. Nestle commented this with: "We are trieing to work against kid work by spending 4 million dollar per year". If you then know that their yearly turnover is 400 billion, their statement reads like a bad joke.

Another thing we all know of is the expanding gap between the rich and the poor. Some people have so much money they can never spend it. In japan for example there is another morality. It says that when a manager earns more than 1 million dollar a year, he would be considered immorale and would have a lesser standing in society. The reason behind this is to prevent money from being allocated unfairly throughout society and to make a lasting society work, in which everyone can become prosperous to some degree. The western world on the other hand has something like a Forbes Magazine that gives rich people the motivation to even earn more money because they aint no.1 in Forbes yet.

I am personally convinced that the next generation will have a higher morale demand on society itself and will want more fairness. I'll teach my kids fairness and I think this is a thing everyone can do. There are already the first signs on the horizon of a fundamental change in society in Germany. The generation that is my age demand for fair products and clean food not all those readymade sauces or x-ray lunches that have a lot of artificial flavouring compounds or glutamate. People are sich of seeing manager getting paied for failure and getting paid horrendous amounts of money while they themselves earn lesser and lesser. There will be a change, there always will be in a case like that and I hope that after the next revolution, we'll make a better job of teaching our kids the meaning of fairness
 

Mephistopheles

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There are many different reasons in my experience for this:

1. They just really, really dislike the person they're mean to. Sometimes, it's just as easy as that.

2. Others were often mean to them in their childhood, which causes them to have a negative impression of the mankind, thus making them mean themself.

3. Nobody(or, more often, anybody ASIDE the parents) complaint about them in their childhood although they were egoistic and mean, so that they never learned that this isn't the proper way to behave.

4.They have build up temporaly anger, which needs a valve.

5. They lack empathy.

6. They like to be mean because it makes them feel strong(self-esteem issues maybe?....).

etc.

You have to say the specific case to get concrete about the reason of them being mean.
 

Beargryllz

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You have to say the specific case to get concrete about the reason of them being mean.

Highly relevant.

The all too common notion that meanness is caused primarily by feelings of inferiority by the instigator always seemed counterintuitive to me. If anything, I see it as a negative and highly visible method of expressing in strength over another individual in whatever arena they find themselves in. Yet the sum of these expressions creates a very intricate structure.
 

Not_Me

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A feeling of contentment is more easily achieved when you are in a more desirable position than those around them. The healthy way to achieve this is to put in the effort to elevate yourself. The unhealthy way is to damage other people's position so that yours look better by comparison. People who are miserable sometimes subconsciously act to reduce other people's happiness for this reason.
 

INA

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And perhaps they are miserable because others' happiness to them is hippy dippy bullshit, the onslaught of which they seek to repel from themselves with a force-field of sourness.
 

Snuggletron

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I think there are many possibilities. My theory is that several things may be at play:
- they are unhappy people and misery loves company
- they have been hurt in the past and are treating others in the way they have been treated themselves or are taking this hurt out on others
- they are insecure and are mean to others to feel more powerful or secure
- they lack empathy and may not even aware they are being mean
- they are a sociopath
- their ego and sense of self importance is out of whack

These are a few. I think there can be lots of reasons.

I agree, there's no static motivator. Removing anti-social tendencies and damaged childhoods/histories, meanness is a power thing. Being mean asserts a form of dominance, it is offensive and defensive. Niceness takes no offensive or defensive stance and so when you are nice you are being vulnerable in a way. Being mean is counterproductive, though, since it alarms people and rarely has a positive outcome. If it does it reaps a kind of intimidated respect.
 

Condor

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I wonder if the answer to the question of "Why are they being mean to me" is more important than the question "Why am I seeking their approval"....granted that isn't always the case, but it was for me. Once I dismissed those individuals as irrelevant, I focused my energies on more productive purposes. Just my experience, not to be confused with a blanket statement of any kind.
 

Lark

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I wonder if the answer to the question of "Why are they being mean to me" is more important than the question "Why am I seeking their approval"....granted that isn't always the case, but it was for me. Once I dismissed those individuals as irrelevant, I focused my energies on more productive purposes. Just my experience, not to be confused with a blanket statement of any kind.

Sometimes meanness is irrelevent but most of the time the sort of meanness which people are vexed by is the sort which is accompanied by power, privilege or popularity.

You make a good point though, where you can afford to not care its probably a good thing. I used to be much more active in trying to provoke some sort of insight in people who behaved like jerks or where mean or neurotic, anything not quite right which was making everyone around them miserable, maybe them miserable too, but I gave that up after I found how much of a toll that can take on you.
 

Condor

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Sometimes meanness is irrelevent but most of the time the sort of meanness which people are vexed by is the sort which is accompanied by power, privilege or popularity.

You make a good point though, where you can afford to not care its probably a good thing. I used to be much more active in trying to provoke some sort of insight in people who behaved like jerks or where mean or neurotic, anything not quite right which was making everyone around them miserable, maybe them miserable too, but I gave that up after I found how much of a toll that can take on you.

Exactly on point. The phrase about people behaving "not quite right" tries to project a paradigm onto them. As far as they are concerned, what they are doing is quite right - for them. Whether they lash out because of a perceived inadaquacy on their part, or a sadistic deisre to impose their will on those around them; they believe what they are doing is right. I can't imagine how much of a toll it would take on a self to try and change another, but I imagine it would be heavy indeed.
 

Falcon

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I have always wondered why there are people who are mean on purpose to other people. I can understand unintentional meanness - you know, the misunderstanding type, but I really don't understand intentional meanness.

My daughter is reading a book about dealing with "mean girls," and it stated that the purpose of these girls is to inflict pain. Why would that be a motivation for someone? I am always devastated when I think I have even done something small, like hurt someone's feelings.

Any ideas?

To know our value, we compare ourselves to others. Since our social value is somewhat dependent on that of others, people can be motivated to maintain or increase their social value with different strategies.
 
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