This morning...

[Into It]

This should interest some of you.
I recently quit smoking. Last night, I was having terrible cravings, and rather than going to the store to get cigarettes, which I do not want to do, I took an antipsychotic I recently stopped taking, along with an anticonvulsant that I take sometimes- I know the two of these drugs together are relaxing somewhat and put me in a relatively good mood. I am also aware of contraindications of these drugs, and am fully aware of the risks, (not really any) of adding those drugs onto my current regimen. I calmed down a bit, and passed the time for the next two hours or so before I went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up and felt, in a way, psychotic. It was simply as if I was incepting the world in a way that is 'not real.' My dog greeted me in the morning and she was strangely devoid of any of the emotional contact she usually provides. Her movements were cold and mechanical. I turned on the television and put on an episode of House that was Tivo'd and that I had seen before. This time around, the actors were stale- none were worth mentioning except for Hugh Laurie, who was forgivable, but far from believable. I had always thought the acting on that show was fine, but is it possible that I had imaginatively glossed it over? My only concept of what is real is what I have known, so it is just as likely that what I am experiencing now is real and all that I have experienced in the past was not. I know that this is not much information, but I've only been awake for two hours. My outlook is very, very different, I am not happy, I am not sad. I'm just dealing with a bit of a paradigm shift. Believe that I have many first hand accounts of altered states to reference, but I do not feel high or altered in any way that could be considered detrimental. Everything's just...very different. I guess what is real is in the eye of the beholder, so am I supposed to just choose which reality I prefer and stick with it?

If what is is real and what was was not, then my imagination must have filled in many gaps. This wouldn't surprise me, because I'm about as imaginative as anyone I've ever met (INFJ's give me a run for my money).

If you have any recommendations about anything I could try to compare to how it normally is that may give me a good idea of what I'm dealing with here (I'm not asking for a doctor, but I like experiments as much as the next guy), that would be appreciated as well as any other comments.

I am going to work fairly soon. I will keep close tabs on how I am interacting with others, and how they respond to me. I am very intuitive about people that I meet, so this will be a telling trial. It's difficult for me to tell how you will respond to this message, which is not normal for me. It is hard to tell if it is because this is a very unusual post for me to make, or because my intuition is a bit stunted.

I'm also going to explain a dream in a little while. It was an interesting, philosophical dream I had last night that actually included one of the forum members (who most of you know).

 

[Into It]

Hey I got responses that were kind, so I'm changing this post. Thanks, guys!

 

[Nyota]

Holy shit dude, I think you're in a little predicament here. Whenever I decide to alter my mind, I always get a little paranoid that it will stay like it is. You said "I do not feel high or altered in any way that could be considered detrimental. Everything's just...very different" but I don't see how that is not an alteration, even in a different way than you've usually experienced.

 

[Fluffywolf]

so am I supposed to just choose which reality I prefer and stick with it?

Heh, this would go against every fiber in my body. I'd never be able to do something like that. I'd never even want to do something like that.

I won't give you any advice, for I fear my opinion might not do you any good, since in the end it is -all- up to you. And nothing I can say or do would influence that.

But if you want my opinion for whatever reason: You've been lying to yourself way too much and it's time to stop all the nonsense drugs and whatnot and focus on your true self and find the positive sides without needing to lie to yourself about it. Stop dreaming, start living.

But who am I to give such advice.

 

[ThinkingAboutIt]

I can't say that I understand what you are going through, but I will say that I have been praying for you and others and will continue to. It rips my heart out to see the hopelessness, despair, and pain behind the words typed on these boards

 

[Into It]

Ok, I'll work through this stuff one at a time.

Holy shit dude, I think you're in a little predicament here. Whenever I decide to alter my mind, I always get a little paranoid that it will stay like it is. You said "I do not feel high or altered in any way that could be considered detrimental. Everything's just...very different" but I don't see how that is not an alteration, even in a different way than you've usually experienced.

It is an alteration, but I wouldn't consider it detrimental. I know that feeling of thinking things will stay that way forever, and it's not a pleasant feeling. In this case though, I wouldn't mind.

Heh, this would go against every fiber in my body. I'd never be able to do something like that. I'd never even want to do something like that.

I won't give you any advice, for I fear my opinion might not do you any good, since in the end it is -all- up to you. And nothing I can say or do would influence that.

But if you want my opinion for whatever reason: You've been lying to yourself way too much and it's time to stop all the nonsense drugs and whatnot and focus on your true self and find the positive sides without needing to lie to yourself about it. Stop dreaming, start living.

But who am I to give such advice.

Thanks for the advice, but unfortunately it is kind of hard for me to interpret. If you mean that doing drugs is lying to myself, I disagree wholeheartedly, and I'll probably make a thread about that sometime, when I trace my intuitions back through their logical chains. But if you mean that I am lying to myself in other ways, please elaborate.

I can't say that I understand what you are going through, but 1I will say that I have been praying for you and others and will continue to. 2It rips my heart out to see the hopelessness, despair, and pain behind the words typed on these boards :cry:

1.Wow, that's very kind of you. You have joined a proud, large group of people. I'm sure you'll find them good company.

2.Really? I should become a writer then. Just kidding. Your sympathy is touching, and if I remember correctly, you are an INTP, which makes such a heartfelt plea worth twice as much. I respect you, friend.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Thanks for the advice, but unfortunately it is kind of hard for me to interpret. If you mean that doing drugs is lying to myself, I disagree wholeheartedly, and I'll probably make a thread about that sometime, when I trace my intuitions back through their logical chains. But if you mean that I am lying to myself in other ways, please elaborate.

I know you are of different opinion on the matter, because had you not been you wouldn't be doing drugs of any kind in the first place. So no worries there.

But yes, I believe anything less then sober in order to avoid how you are when sober is in a way lying to yourself. Just my opinion though.

 

[Into It]

I know you are of different opinion on the matter, because had you not been you wouldn't be doing drugs of any kind in the first place. So no worries there.

But yes, I believe anything less then sober in order to avoid how you are when sober is in a way lying to yourself. Just my opinion though.

There must be something that we agree on.

 

[Saslou]

Personally i would take up smoking again ..

 

[Fluffywolf]

No doubt.

There, we agree there must be something we agree on.

 

[Athenian200]

This should interest some of you.
I recently quit smoking. Last night, I was having terrible cravings, and rather than going to the store to get cigarettes, which I do not want to do, I took an antipsychotic I recently stopped taking, along with an anticonvulsant that I take sometimes- I know the two of these drugs together are relaxing somewhat and put me in a relatively good mood. I am also aware of contraindications of these drugs, and am fully aware of the risks, (not really any) of adding those drugs onto my current regimen. I calmed down a bit, and passed the time for the next two hours or so before I went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up and felt, in a way, psychotic. It was simply as if I was incepting the world in a way that is 'not real.' My dog greeted me in the morning and she was strangely devoid of any of the emotional contact she usually provides. Her movements were cold and mechanical. I turned on the television and put on an episode of House that was Tivo'd and that I had seen before. This time around, the actors were stale- none were worth mentioning except for Hugh Laurie, who was forgivable, but far from believable. I had always thought the acting on that show was fine, but is it possible that I had imaginatively glossed it over? My only concept of what is real is what I have known, so it is just as likely that what I am experiencing now is real and all that I have experienced in the past was not. I know that this is not much information, but I've only been awake for two hours. My outlook is very, very different, I am not happy, I am not sad. I'm just dealing with a bit of a paradigm shift. Believe that I have many first hand accounts of altered states to reference, but I do not feel high or altered in any way that could be considered detrimental. Everything's just...very different. I guess what is real is in the eye of the beholder, so am I supposed to just choose which reality I prefer and stick with it?

If what is is real and what was was not, then my imagination must have filled in many gaps. This wouldn't surprise me, because I'm about as imaginative as anyone I've ever met (INFJ's give me a run for my money).

If you have any recommendations about anything I could try to compare to how it normally is that may give me a good idea of what I'm dealing with here (I'm not asking for a doctor, but I like experiments as much as the next guy), that would be appreciated as well as any other comments.

I am going to work fairly soon. I will keep close tabs on how I am interacting with others, and how they respond to me. I am very intuitive about people that I meet, so this will be a telling trial. It's difficult for me to tell how you will respond to this message, which is not normal for me. It is hard to tell if it is because this is a very unusual post for me to make, or because my intuition is a bit stunted.

I'm also going to explain a dream in a little while. It was an interesting, philosophical dream I had last night that actually included one of the forum members (who most of you know).

What you're describing is actually how I normally perceive the world, or is at least very similar to it. Strange that drugs would have this effect on you.

Anyway, be careful with the drugs. You seem fine, but you don't want to be too reckless when drugs that alter your mental processing are involved.

 

[Into It]

Personally i would take up smoking again ..

Pshh, I think about that every day. But I actually feel much sharper mentally, now. I have been dulling my cognition! This probably isn't regularly reported, but there's two reasons to go on without it. (The other being cancer )

 

[heart]

Yes, definately hang in there with the stopping smoking thing.

 

[Saslou]

Pshh, I think about that every day. But I actually feel much sharper mentally, now. I have been dulling my cognition! This probably isn't regularly reported, but there's two reasons to go on without it. (The other being cancer )

Each to their own then darling.

 

[Into It]

What you're describing is actually how I normally perceive the world, or is at least very similar to it. Strange that drugs would have this effect on you.

Anyway, be careful with the drugs. You seem fine, but you don't want to be too reckless when drugs that alter your mental processing are involved.

Over the years, I have been prescribed to about 30 different meds. On top of this, there were the many combination changes and dose changes as well. Without drugs...I'm kind of a mess. The pointlessness overwhelms me, and each day I live only to pass the time. These are typical symptoms of major depressive disorder... My diagnoses in the past have been
Bipolar, Bipolar III, Aspergers, depression/anxiety, ADD, psychosis.

I need the meds, truly. I'm actually on a regimen for the first time in my life that I am able to both focus and be happy. I have never felt both of these together, but I have felt them separately. A happy hypomanic mess who can get nothing done, or a purely robotic *INTP* who is as cold as the coldest you've met. I make Kiddo look like a carebear. I harbor disdain for anyone who chooses to talk to me. Why must I be spoken to when I am obviously busy analyzing. I analyze all day. I chart the patterns of everything. And I lock myself in my room and write philosophy, trying to find and notate patterns in time spent doin work, the quality of work, the mood one is in while working, the time of day work can be most efficient, (including when food is eaten and medicine is taken, and depending on when one sleeps)In this state, I made a 4.0 at A&M my first year with no trouble. And I didn't focus on school at all. I never will because it stunts my education. I've been to A&M and UT and I believe that many professors, while they may be referred to as scholarly or erudite, and in fact idiots. How can one be smart and be an idiot at the same time? I don't know, but I'm surrounded by this problem, especially in college. The majority of my friends are philosphy majors, the most brilliant of them I can find. Other friends of mine would be considered stupid by most standards, but I find their company refreshing, because they tend to harbor the same resentment for the state of existance. (emphasis on the word state) My wise friends share this sentiment as well. Drugs have done so much for me, I could never repay them in thanks. But I don't usually express this stuff so openly without a well defined argument ready to go. But thanks for your concern, and I do feel I am quite healty, though my state does vascillate. Pessimism has lead to much of the greatest thought we have, and in my opionion cynicism is the father of knowledge.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday, I'm going to keep the antipsychotic until then and tell him my results, and then double check to see if what I'm doing is 'actually'[/Size=1]

 

[Into It]

Each to their own then darling.

How long have you been smoking? After a while, I found it imprisoning; my thoughts were constantly obtruded by images of cigarettes.