HIGHLY accurate enneagram test

[badatlife]

The Enneagram

So good I didn't even have to think! I feel so...complete

 

[Norexan]

Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER, also known as the BOSS or the ASSHOLE.

You like to be in control and assert your will on other people -- especially children, the elderly, and service employees. You often shout, swear, get red in the face, pound on or throw things, and tug at your pants. You claim not to care what other people think, yet you want them to fear you as often as possible. You love to protect other people, especially women, then ridicule them as weak and incompetent.

Your SECRET JOYS are turning a screw or locknut extra tight, haranguing clerks or waitresses about bad service, imposing senseless work procedures on helpless underlings, installing The ClubTM on your car's steering wheel, and cleaning your shotgun.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will feel afraid, that you will feel afraid of your fear of feeling afraid, that you will have a prostate exam, that you will thrill to the prostate exam, that you will take a shower with a homosexual, or that you will be insulted by a car full of black teenagers.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You develop insane justifications for your need to control others, and may succumb to conspiracy theories or unbridled hatred of government. You spout intricate rationales for segregation, euthanasia, and a full deployment of stealth technology.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. You become infatuated with your supposed ability to help others, intrude yourself into a variety of highly visible charity roles, and develop self-serving stories about your desire to "give back to the community" -- all the time making sure you get a nice little kickback on the side.

 

[Maou]

I got 8 too... SHIT

 

[badatlife]

^lulz dw i got 2

Helper


Your core personality is probably
Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER
also known as the NURTURER or the GOFER.

You're so needy in relationships that you will go to any length to please other people, no matter what they do to you in return. You either become a manipulative neurotic or a quivering love-slave to your idolized King of Kings.

Your SECRET JOYS include being humilated for affection. You love to cringe and scrape for just a few crumbs of love, to violate someone's privacy in the service of your morbid curiosity, and to work so hard for someone that you make yourself sick.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will find out how needy you really are, that you will turn into a cheap slut, that your lover is a cheap slut, that your Christmas gifts will get returned, or that people laugh at you behind your back. Which they do anyway.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER. You may take on impossible tasks in order to feel worthy of drawing breath, or climb on a cross in order to berate your precious loved ones for their ingratitude after all the many things you've done for them.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST. You start to get in touch with your feelings, develop a fondness for tacky art, wear loud fabrics, and blather on about the progress of your inner healing from the love addiction trip you've been on for so many years.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

Did anyone else get distracted by the weird red circle on the bottom and tumble through an endless amount of links before you even recalled that you were taking an enneagram test? Or way that just me?

Thinker

Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER, also known as the INTELLECTUAL or the NERD.

You are so logical and analytical that your guts are all dried out. Your expertise can't hide the fact that you're afraid to plunge into the real world. You fundamentally abhor ambiguity or complexity. The more perceptive and observant you are, the more often you feel the paranoia of your own shortcomings, particularly toward other people.

Your SECRET JOYS include doing math or crossword problems in your head, teaching children how to multiply, determining experimentally the exact best heat setting on your toaster, keeping careful track of expenses and gas mileage, and reading the columns of Marilyn vos Savant.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will lose a treasured tool, that you'll mispronounce a common technical term, that you'll get ripped off by a common tradesman, or that you will blunder away your Queen for a Knight and two Pawns.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST. You become so desperate to appear smarter than everyone else that you seek to become an expert in all things, driving you either into ironic deconstructionist bullshit or into a chronically argumentative but platitudinous approach to every topic that you happen to talk about.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER. You expiate on topics with such boundless and pointless erudition that you appear once or twice on public broadcasting, purchase environmentally friendly products far in advance of your neighbors, and develop a politically correct speaking style hung on nothing but abstract nouns and passive verbs.

 

[Luminous]

Written by someone who hates the enneagram to debunk it and tests that measure it. Click on the question mark at the bottom of the page.

 

[badatlife]

Written by someone who hates the enneagram to debunk it and tests that measure it. Click on the question mark at the bottom of the page.

I didn't see that, oops. I meant it as a joke topic and thought the descriptions were funny. Oh well

 

[Yuurei]

Okay, yes, it's intentionally over the top but I'm not answering questions for a joke result.

 

[Earl Grey]

Okay, yes, it's intentionally over the top but I'm not answering questions for a joke result.

Seconded.

 

[Luminous]

I didn't see that, oops. I meant it as a joke topic and thought the descriptions were funny. Oh well

Oh, yeah, I realized that... the insulting descriptions are a bit amusing. Just though I'd point out what the author said about it all...

Here's the link to it The Enneagram

 

[badatlife]

Oh, yeah, I realized that... the insulting descriptions are a bit amusing. Just though I'd point out what the author said about it all...

Here's the link to it The Enneagram

Oh boy, that is interesting now that I read it. I don't know if they're debunking the enneagram as much as discrediting the therapists who make money off of it/run it like a business, which I'm sure happens. Seems to be from one psychologist to another, and more about the business side of things.

I was also skeptical of the enneagram initially, it wasn't until I read more about the type description and related to it so much that I took it more seriously. Yep I only posted this test because I find the author's humor to be very endearing

Don't mind if you want to move it to the graveyard

 

[Zhaylin]

I was giggling, just as you until I reached a certain point. Then I was annoyed.
This guy says "I have a PhD in psychology". I hope he's not a practicing psychologist or psychiatrist.
Here's when I got annoyed:
I came out as an Artist:
"... Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will just get bored with you, that you will end up with a job in an insurance company or bank, that you will actually have to work hard on a regular basis, or that you will get so depressed with your inadequacies that you will kill yourself. No loss to the world if you do.:"

Really? Suicide jokes from a person with a "PhD in psychology"? Uncool, dude. (The guy, NOT the OP lol).

 

[Jaguar]

Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER
You are so logical and analytical that your guts are all dried out.

Yadda yadda yadda. Bite me.

 

[badatlife]

Here's the 9 one lol. So cute. Gives me 90s Disney dad memories

Peacemaker


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 9, the PEACEMAKER, also known as the MEDIATOR or the DISHRAG.

You are very accommodating, harmonizing, good-natured, and cravenly spineless in all things. You will do almost anything to maintain a peaceful environment and will cave in to any intimidation in order to avoid confrontation.

Your SECRET JOYS include sing alongs, minivans with junk hanging from the rear view mirror, all-white neighborhoods, ASCII email pictures of Santa and his reindeer, little snacks in cut crystal dishes, and anything that let's you croon aloud, "oh, isn't that cuuute!"

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood, that someone will bump into your car, that you will encounter a rude waitress, or that you will knock over something in a store and everyone will look at you.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 6, the JOINER. You become so obsessed with potential threats that you seek out and cower within the largest and most regimented social herd you can find, hoping in this way to dilute your personal exposure and vulnerability.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 3, the PERFORMER. You develop a variety of cheerleader and positive attitude strategems to quell hostility, create a forced good cheer, give everyone a little job to do, and then find that people start calling in sick because you've exhausted everyone's patience with your simpering suppression of conflict.

 

[Kanra Jest]

Performer


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 3, the PERFORMER, also known as the ACHIEVER or the SHOWOFF.

You have such an impoverished understanding of life that you can compulsively believe your task is the most important activity in the universe. Your ratlike view of self-improvement means you will blindly run any treadmill a cunning supervisor or spouse puts under your paws.

Your SECRET JOYS include getting awarded little plaques and faux-parchment certificates, discovering your smiling photo in some cheap industry publication, making your coworkers look like lazy idiots, and shouting salutations to people you spot in parking lots.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will pay more attention to someone other than you, some jerk will ask you a question you're not smart enough to answer, you'll get fired to make way for a younger worker, or you'll arrive at a meeting with your fly open.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 9, the PEACEMAKER. You become a total tool of your superiors and submit to any kind of humiliation in order to meet impossible work demands.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 6, the JOINER. You accept your limitations, ignore the food stains on your clothes, work no harder than necessary, and give teary-eyed thanks for the cheap watch you receive at your group retirement dinner.

Idk, I can be pretty lazy

 

[Snow as White]

Artist.

Did enjoy the part about making some therapist rich someday.

 

[HoneyBlossom]

Artist

Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST, also known as the VISIONARY or the SLACKER.

You are so wrapped up in your own quote sensitivity, creativity and intuition unquote that you are completely walled off from other people. You would rather stare at a painting or listen to music than deal with reality. You retreat inside your imagination not because it is profound, but because it's never challenging.

Your SECRET JOYS include showing your independence by acting in ways that other people would consider utterly stupid, and expressing your individuality over and over and over and over -- until you are up to your ears in your own unique personal individual rut.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will just get bored with you, that you will end up with a job in an insurance company or bank, that you will actually have to work hard on a regular basis, or that you will get so depressed with your inadequacies that you will kill yourself. No loss to the world if you do.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. This could lead you to barter your body or your self-respect -- under the guise of expressing your independence or tasting a forbidden love -- to get a feeble semblance of intimacy.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You think of yourself as a work of art, develop intricate exegetical accounts of your life history, expound Your View of You to whoever will sit still for it, and singlehandedly put one or two therapists into wealthy retirement.

Interesting, I think enneagram 4 describe me well but I think I’m more enneagram 9

 

[Mayflower]

Oh yeah!! I took this long ago. Got type 9!!

 

[Morpeko]

Leader


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER, also known as the BOSS or the ASSHOLE.

You like to be in control and assert your will on other people -- especially children, the elderly, and service employees. You often shout, swear, get red in the face, pound on or throw things, and tug at your pants. You claim not to care what other people think, yet you want them to fear you as often as possible. You love to protect other people, especially women, then ridicule them as weak and incompetent.

Your SECRET JOYS are turning a screw or locknut extra tight, haranguing clerks or waitresses about bad service, imposing senseless work procedures on helpless underlings, installing The ClubTM on your car's steering wheel, and cleaning your shotgun.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will feel afraid, that you will feel afraid of your fear of feeling afraid, that you will have a prostate exam, that you will thrill to the prostate exam, that you will take a shower with a homosexual, or that you will be insulted by a car full of black teenagers.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You develop insane justifications for your need to control others, and may succumb to conspiracy theories or unbridled hatred of government. You spout intricate rationales for segregation, euthanasia, and a full deployment of stealth technology.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. You become infatuated with your supposed ability to help others, intrude yourself into a variety of highly visible charity roles, and develop self-serving stories about your desire to "give back to the community" -- all the time making sure you get a nice little kickback on the side.

Lol.

 

[Saturnal Snowqueen]

Artist

Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST, also known as the VISIONARY or the SLACKER.

You are so wrapped up in your own quote sensitivity, creativity and intuition unquote that you are completely walled off from other people. You would rather stare at a painting or listen to music than deal with reality. You retreat inside your imagination not because it is profound, but because it's never challenging.

Your SECRET JOYS include showing your independence by acting in ways that other people would consider utterly stupid, and expressing your individuality over and over and over and over -- until you are up to your ears in your own unique personal individual rut.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will just get bored with you, that you will end up with a job in an insurance company or bank, that you will actually have to work hard on a regular basis, or that you will get so depressed with your inadequacies that you will kill yourself. No loss to the world if you do.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. This could lead you to barter your body or your self-respect -- under the guise of expressing your independence or tasting a forbidden love -- to get a feeble semblance of intimacy.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You think of yourself as a work of art, develop intricate exegetical accounts of your life history, expound Your View of You to whoever will sit still for it, and singlehandedly put one or two therapists into wealthy retirement.