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INFJ victimized by a con man

INFJrising

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Jan 20, 2019
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My first post. I've identified as an INFJ [4w3 sx/so] since my early 20s.

I've been conned by a sociopath.

What I'm struggling with is this: how can I reconnect with my intuition?

As an INFJ, I know intuition is one of my strengths. But it's obviously been blunted.

It did not serve me in this relationship. I ignored red flags early on. I devoted my life to a con man.

How in the world does that happen to an INFJ?

I feel disconnected from my instinct - I have little confidence in my ability to read people.

How can I get back to my intuitive strengths?
 
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Luminous

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I don't have any advice regarding intuition, but wanted to welcome you to the forum, and extend sympathies for your situation. Don't be too hard on yourself. No one can know and see everything.
 

Obfuscate

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love can be blinding.. when we really want to see the best in someone, we can ignore warning signs... i don't think it is a failing to care about someone... it is a shame he wasn't worth the time and effort, but you can always try again... it may be a good idea to present potential new partners to loved ones; they may catch red flags you miss...

anyhow, i am sorry things turned out that way...
 

ceecee

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I would say nothing is wrong with your intuition. I'm sorry for your pain but you did see red flag that you ignored, in the future you should give them more consideration.
 
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I think you built a wall to shield you from the truth. You said you ignored the early red flags. That’s the problem with intuition- when confronted with feelings for someone- it’s so easy to turn away from what it’s trying to tell you. The intuition can be whispering or screaming at you but those damn feelings can call you to the rocks like sirens. You want to believe that that nagging feeling that something isn’t adding up is wrong. That nagging feeling is your mind piecing together the blatant warnings and the subtlest of hints into a cohesive report. A pattern of behavior is being evaluated.

Idk how you tear down that wall of willful ignorance (I’ve definitely built a few in my time). I think your intuition, your instincts are in a state of hibernation because you put them to sleep to shield you from the horrible truth. Then comes the issue of sorting reliable intuition from the paranoia a relationship like you’ve been in can understandably create. You can easily confuse the innocuous and the malignant.

I guess I would just process the hell out of input, judge what I’m feeling about a person or a situation as objectively as possible. If I get the feeling someone is sketchy what evidence is presenting itself? Have I seen this before? Where? Is it a realistic assessment?

It won’t be easy and you’ll certainly misjudge at times, you’re human. I wish you the best of luck and hope my post is of some use.
 

INFJrising

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I don't have any advice regarding intuition, but wanted to welcome you to the forum, and extend sympathies for your situation. Don't be too hard on yourself. No one can know and see everything.

Thank you for the welcome!
 

INFJrising

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love can be blinding.. when we really want to see the best in someone, we can ignore warning signs... i don't think it is a failing to care about someone... it is a shame he wasn't worth the time and effort, but you can always try again... it may be a good idea to present potential new partners to loved ones; they may catch red flags you miss..

Thank you for your kind reply. I agree that love can be blinding. We project our own best selves and our wishes on them. I'm learning why I do that. I will be a long healing process ...

- - - Updated - - -

I would say nothing is wrong with your intuition. I'm sorry for your pain but you did see red flag that you ignored, in the future you should give them more consideration.

You're right. I did have the intuition back then, I just ignored it.
 

INFJrising

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Jan 20, 2019
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I would say nothing is wrong with your intuition. I'm sorry for your pain but you did see red flag that you ignored, in the future you should give them more consideration.

You're right. I did have the intuition back then, I just ignored it.
 

INFJrising

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love can be blinding.. when we really want to see the best in someone, we can ignore warning signs...

Thank you for your compassion. Yes, love can be blinding. I'm beginning to understand why I have loved blindly in the past and how I can love more authentically in the future.
 

INFJrising

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I think you built a wall to shield you from the truth. You said you ignored the early red flags. That’s the problem with intuition- when confronted with feelings for someone- it’s so easy to turn away from what it’s trying to tell you. The intuition can be whispering or screaming at you but those damn feelings can call you to the rocks like sirens.

Exactly! He lovebombed me hard (maybe you know about this vile process? it's something narcissists/sociopaths do to reel in their victims). Once I dedicated myself to him, my feelings took over and I devalued my intuition.

I think your intuition, your instincts are in a state of hibernation because you put them to sleep to shield you from the horrible truth.

Yes, this feels very accurate. Thank you for that.

Then comes the issue of sorting reliable intuition from the paranoia a relationship like you’ve been in can understandably create. You can easily confuse the innocuous and the malignant. I guess I would just process the hell out of input, judge what I’m feeling about a person or a situation as objectively as possible. If I get the feeling someone is sketchy what evidence is presenting itself? Have I seen this before? Where? Is it a realistic assessment?

Exactly. I'm going to make some mistakes going forward, I'm sure, and they'll likely be confusing the innocuous with the malignant. Better to err in that direction for a while, I suppose. Thank you for the advice - so helpful!
 

Fidelia

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Infjs tend to over trust people who have earned their trust in the past. In addition to that, they seem inclined to hold back parts of themselves sometimes that they know are incompatible or unwanted by the other person, allowing the other person kind of a blank slate to project their own perceptions onto. They genuinely like being helpful, sometimes to the point of not considering whether the situation calls for it or whether they are overusing their own resources to do so. They also are good at insight into situations outside themselves, but less good when their emotions are a part of the pocture, and often talk themselves out of negative feelings they have till a pattern is objectively provable. That's not to say that you are doomed as an inch, but there are certain pitfalls that allow some types of controlling people an in if you are unaware of your own tendencies.
 

INFJrising

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Infjs tend to over trust people who have earned their trust in the past.

YES.

In addition to that, they seem inclined to hold back parts of themselves sometimes that they know are incompatible or unwanted by the other person, allowing the other person kind of a blank slate to project their own perceptions onto.

OMG. YES.

They genuinely like being helpful, sometimes to the point of not considering whether the situation calls for it or whether they are overusing their own resources to do so.

ALWAYS.

They also are good at insight into situations outside themselves, but less good when their emotions are a part of the pocture, and often talk themselves out of negative feelings they have till a pattern is objectively provable. That's not to say that you are doomed as an inch, but there are certain pitfalls that allow some types of controlling people an in if you are unaware of your own tendencies.

As I learn more about INFJ, I hope to learn to protect myself more and put my energies into worthy people. I often feel good at reading a situation and, like you say, not so good at knowing myself.

And you're right, I do have a pattern of talking myself out of negative feelings in order to stay in relation to those I love. And I tend to love controlling people. Ugh. So much learning to do.
 

Fidelia

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I find it interesting, because in general, infjs are actually fairly opinionated people that are not doormats. However, they do rely on others more than most types to mirror back to them what they are like, whether their internal response is appropriate to the situation, and need a sounding board to process their thoughts. They are usually choosy about who they allow to perform this function, but once they've let them in, the person holds most of the keys and can mess with their sense of reality. I think we rely heavily on being sure of our perceptions and having enough info to work with to navigate well.

Often, people that are attracted to warmth and listening because they haven't had that can have some emotional baggage of their own, but cover it up with a sort of false confidence and do a lot of push and pull emotionally. Initially, they may even be caught up in the euphoria of feeling understood and appear very open. However, they cannot sustain it long term. They may react to feelings of fear or vulnerability by being controlling or withhold information and find it hard to be honest, at other times letting you in enough to see that there is a different side to them as well with a lot of the attractive quality you originally saw.

I think infjs are also attracted to decisive people, they tend to allow others to take the lead and are not always proactive about seeking out people, but let people find them. So all of that can contribute to some of the dynamic.

I am normally a pretty happy, confident, self sufficient person, but have had a couple of relationships where suddenly the person acted like I was hovery and smothering. The fact was, they would not resolve conflict and also needed to be in charge to feel secure and were not open with relevant info (maybe they didn't even know how to talk about their inner world or were consciously aware of what was going on) and I unconsciously reacted by trying to ensure things were okay because their assurances that things were fine did not match the behaviour.

Anyway, I recognize now I that I was a part of allowing the dynamic to develop, but I also let it continue because it was bewildering to have my perceptions be so different from those of someone whom I lived and whose opinions on I valued. Once I understood what was going on, it was less hard to take action, but I usually needed a second person to voice the same perceptions for me to trust my own.
 

Fidelia

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I've also found that most people are vulnerable to making decisions that aren't good about relationships when they are short on other support in their lives (either practically or emotionally), or when the person is supplying some of those needs and also seems to feel very sure that it was "meant to be". Not shying away from seeing one another in many diverse circumstances and people over a period of time should give you information you need. Also not avoiding topics that you know could be problematic. Having and maintaining a variety of other relationships and interests in your life also affords that person less power in an inappropriate way and keeps both of your perspectives more balanced.
 

Fidelia

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I expect for you, one of the most disconcerting things to come to terms with is not just the end of what you thought you had, but in feeling you can no longer trust your perceptions safely to navigate through the world. That seems to be especially important to infjs, even though I think all types feel it to some extent.
 

Fidelia

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If you have other unprocessed or unresolved relationships in your life, people often have something in them that seeks out a similar situation unconsciously to try and rewrite the ending more satisfactorily. I believe that's why it's necessary to address patterns from childhood parental relationships or from previous dating experiences and assess what was good and what didn't work, or you are likely to repeat the same dynamic because it feels comfortingly familiar, or you know your role or are trying to address your past emotional needs but in an ineffective way.
 
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Exactly! He lovebombed me hard (maybe you know about this vile process? it's something narcissists/sociopaths do to reel in their victims).

Thank you for the advice - so helpful!

You’re quite welcome.

Lovebombed?

I imagine that means he overwhelmed your defenses with charm and sweeping gestures of a romantic nature? Always doing and saying the perfect things. Until he had you emotionally positioned where he wanted and then the feigned passion gave way to his true nature?

Sadly, in this world, if something seems like it’s straight out of a fantasy- it probably is.
 

Fidelia

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I think sometimes though, it's not even consciously manipulative or that extreme. But it still has the same effect when a person cannot maintain that seeming level of attentiveness, openness, etc. Everyone naturally shows their best side at the beginning, but if they can't be honest or trust someone else, negative behaviours show up that start snowballing. One lie or omission requires more and more cover up. They can't feel bad all the time, so there is a need to justify the behaviour or regard it as less serious than it is.

Of course there are just plain old con men too, but most people's bad behaviour is an incorrect or easy solution for a real problem or past trauma. I think people are a mixed bag of good and bad traits, which is part of what makes it hard to navigate, especially if you don't recognize what you are looking at. Most people are sincere some of the time, or have a better self in them, which is what keeps people coming back for more. I never suffered abuse, but after one relationship where I realized I'd been lied about and lied to, yet still took time to get over him, I understood better how people get into a cycle of taking back an abuser who apologizes. I hadn't even had him attack my self esteem overtly, but I still didn't have what it took to say goodbye till much later even after I recognized there was no future for us.
 

Riva

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Sorry about what happened. It sucks, could happen to anyone. Especially when it comes to love.

Add to it, if this person really is a con man and a sociopath, leeching from people like parasites is something they often do therefore become good at.

Don't be too hard on your self.
 

EcK

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[MENTION=38655]INFJrising[/MENTION] Been there. How to fix it ? Well you know everytime you had a little voice in your mind doubting whether what he said was true etc.? Well just listen to that from now on and ignore whatever other layers tell you to disregard it.
 
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