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INFJ victimized by a con man

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
Joined
Nov 21, 2008
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Another tip is to judge people based on their BEHAVIOR rather than what you assume are their intentions. My INFJ wife tends to fall for it too. She is much more of a 'people person' than I am yet I am several times better than her at predicting behavior. People are not mind readers, the only really data you have to understand people is what they do, not what you think they're thinking. That is how psychopaths fool people: other people projects emotions and motivations onto them that they themselves don't have.

You also have to remember that noone sees themselves as 'the bad guy'. They all have layers of rationals and blindspots to justify even the most unethical acts. Listening to them will generally just generate noise. Once in a while look at someone and assume that 'what they mean' is exactly as they do. It's kind of a 'cold shower' for empathetic types b ut it works, and i believe it's far more reliable than believing people a) are honest with you b) are honest enough with themselves to acknowledge that what they pretend they are doing is what they are actually doing.

[MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] [MENTION=38655]INFJrising[/MENTION]
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
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14,497
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INFJ
Agree. Any of the things that you write off as "little" in the beginning because you can't rationally explain the problem usually are representative of something that you unconsciously are recognizing is an anomaly or a red flag. Just like you have gut feelings that tell you when you are in danger, even if you don't know exactly why, those little feelings of being upset in some way are there to protect you.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
Joined
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Agree. Any of the things that you write off as "little" in the beginning because you can't rationally explain the problem usually are representative of something that you unconsciously are recognizing is an anomaly or a red flag. Just like you have gut feelings that tell you when you are in danger, even if you don't know exactly why, those little feelings of being upset in some way are there to protect you.

yep exactly, human beings are very good pattern recognition machines. when our 'intuition' - informed by thousands upon thousands of similar interactions - tells us something is wrong it's usually because the puzzle pieces dont quite fit together. To give a simple example it's like getting uncomfortable if someone acts very friendly yet never smiles with their eyes (aka geniune smile), almost everything fits except for that 'one piece'. But that one piece is the canary in the coal mine indicating that it's all bullshit.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Another tip is to judge people based on their BEHAVIOR rather than what you assume are their intentions. My INFJ wife tends to fall for it too. She is much more of a 'people person' than I am yet I am several times better than her at predicting behavior. People are not mind readers, the only really data you have to understand people is what they do, not what you think they're thinking. That is how psychopaths fool people: other people projects emotions and motivations onto them that they themselves don't have.

You also have to remember that noone sees themselves as 'the bad guy'. They all have layers of rationals and blindspots to justify even the most unethical acts. Listening to them will generally just generate noise. Once in a while look at someone and assume that 'what they mean' is exactly as they do. It's kind of a 'cold shower' for empathetic types b ut it works, and i believe it's far more reliable than believing people a) are honest with you b) are honest enough with themselves to acknowledge that what they pretend they are doing is what they are actually doing.

[MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] [MENTION=38655]INFJrising[/MENTION]

A million times this. It's a blind spot for us, and I think that while we are great at dealing with some types of difficult people because we are able to see around their behavior to what is causing it, it doesn't work at all to do that with a partner or someone close to you.
 

Non_xsense

Member
Joined
Mar 12, 2018
Messages
345
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Fool
A million times this. It's a blind spot for us, and I think that while we are great at dealing with some types of difficult people because we are able to see around their behavior to what is causing it, it doesn't work at all to do that with a partner or someone close to you.

It's funny 'cause as intp i'm almost the same ...but i'm alot more stupid i can do the Infj door-slam when i don't find any logical excuses for beavior.
i can use this emotion and hide it in most dark part of my soul ...It's just sadness really.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
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sx/sp
My first post. I've identified as an INFJ [4w3 sx/so] since my early 20s.

I've been conned by a sociopath.

What I'm struggling with is this: how can I reconnect with my intuition?

As an INFJ, I know intuition is one of my strengths. But it's obviously been blunted.

It did not serve me in this relationship. I ignored red flags early on. I devoted my life to a con man.

How in the world does that happen to an INFJ?

I feel disconnected from my instinct - I have little confidence in my ability to read people.

How can I get back to my intuitive strengths?

I've been through something similar and know what it's like to lose trust in my own perception more than I'd have believed was even possible. It sucks. While I've no doubt that some of the challenges I'd had were INFJ related - fid did a good job of listing INFJ pitfalls - I personally think that seeking type-centered help specifically leads down far more unproductive/incorrect paths than not. Especially when they're explained by people who aren't INFJ. You can throw a stone in any direction here and hit someone who is pulling a bunch of theory out of their butt without it being rooted in any reality.

But along "this applies to everyone" lines (i.e. not type-centered), I love this quote by David Richo: "The psyche wants to experience connection more than it wants to recognize the presence of abuse." We need connection like we need food, and- much like we'll choose unhealthy food if we're super hungry and that's all we see in front of us (and or the perceivable future), especially if we aren't aware of an alternative - poor (eg. imbalanced power dynamics) connections to others can lead us to confabulating a perception in which we ignore red flags because we just really want (need) the connection. It isn't as straight-forward as "eating healthy food will result in feeling good" / "eating unhealthy food will result in feeling ill" because we really aren't taught enough about our own human need for connection; we can be (and very often are) starved for authentic connection and have no idea what's wrong, so we rather blindly settle for unhealthy connection because it feels significantly better than nothing. And I think being idealists also can make us okay with feeling like we're 'settling' because we know we have a higher-than-average bar in the first place.

Anyway, one thing I've learned the importance of later in life is that is important to maintain strong connections with friends because if there's already some connection without the romantic interest then I'll be able to be honest with myself about what I really shouldn't be okay with. This is something I really struggle with because typically I don't feel like I have the emotional reserves to maintain that kind of connection with more than one or two people at a time. But in retrospect I can see how not having a stable, authentic connection (one in which I'm accepted as I am) outside of the relationship made me blind to the red flags, and made a relationship in which I was clearly not accepted as I am seem like a part of adulting that I had to suck up and settle for - and I ended up feeling more and more depressed without knowing what was causing it.

Also: the choice to be vulnerable (to authentically trust) others is all well and good, but it can't happen without repeated exposure to someone being worthy of that trust. We know on a very instinctual level when someone is worthy of that trust. The Brene Brown metaphor about marbles is coming to mind: we build trust with another person one marble at a time - every little instance we experience with them in which they demonstrate they can be trusted adds one 'marble' - and bigger trust only happens when enough marbles have been accumulated. I have a lot of friends - but most are the kind that are more exhausting than not to deal with because I don't especially trust them to see me and accept me as I am. There might be an element of choice in there somewhere (it's possible I could trust them more than I do), but my point here is: it isn't simply about having friends outside of a relationship, it's about having strong authentic connections that I know accept me for who I am - they've seen the warts, they know where the bodies are buried, etc - I think that's what's required to be able to be honest with oneself about the red flags. And that goes beyond romantic relationships - I think cultivating the strong relationships will in turn cultivate the ability to perceive red flags about anyone.
 

Snow as White

ƃuıǝǝs | seeing
Joined
Dec 29, 2017
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471
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ENFP
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4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Mm. this sounds similar to my INFJ bff. she got involved in a bad relationship and is now a single parent because of it. she is super angry at herself for getting in this position since she knew she was looking at red flags and sailed past them anyways because she had a mission.

i think with anyone and anything in life you just have to work at moving past this experience - wiser for what has been experienced and learned - and use this knowledge to make better choices in the future.

if possible, talk to a good friend that you can trust to have your best interests at heart when next you experience a relationship.
 

tommyc

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2010
Messages
228
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INFJ
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4w5
My first post. I've identified as an INFJ [4w3 sx/so] since my early 20s.

I've been conned by a sociopath.

What I'm struggling with is this: how can I reconnect with my intuition?

As an INFJ, I know intuition is one of my strengths. But it's obviously been blunted.

It did not serve me in this relationship. I ignored red flags early on. I devoted my life to a con man.

How in the world does that happen to an INFJ?

I feel disconnected from my instinct - I have little confidence in my ability to read people.

How can I get back to my intuitive strengths?

My belief is what you felt about him, or intuited, was probably right. Your instincts regarding his positive feelings towards you were probably accurate. Perhaps those, combined with your strong feelings for him, made you willingly overlook the darker sides to his personality. The facts which didnt match up. The red flags, as you say.

The most effective con artists are those who really do have a connection with you. Its just theyre able to hide ulterior motives.
 
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