My first post. I've identified as an INFJ [4w3 sx/so] since my early 20s.
I've been conned by a sociopath.
What I'm struggling with is this: how can I reconnect with my intuition?
As an INFJ, I know intuition is one of my strengths. But it's obviously been blunted.
It did not serve me in this relationship. I ignored red flags early on. I devoted my life to a con man.
How in the world does that happen to an INFJ?
I feel disconnected from my instinct - I have little confidence in my ability to read people.
How can I get back to my intuitive strengths?
I've been through something similar and know what it's like to lose trust in my own perception more than I'd have believed was even possible. It sucks. While I've no doubt that some of the challenges I'd had were INFJ related - fid did a good job of listing INFJ pitfalls - I personally think that seeking type-centered help specifically leads down far more unproductive/incorrect paths than not. Especially when they're explained by people who aren't INFJ. You can throw a stone in any direction here and hit someone who is pulling a bunch of theory out of their butt without it being rooted in any reality.
But along "this applies to everyone" lines (i.e. not type-centered), I love this quote by David Richo: "The psyche wants to experience connection more than it wants to recognize the presence of abuse." We need connection like we need food, and- much like we'll choose unhealthy food if we're super hungry and that's all we see in front of us (and or the perceivable future), especially if we aren't aware of an alternative - poor (eg. imbalanced power dynamics) connections to others can lead us to confabulating a perception in which we ignore red flags because we just really want (need) the connection. It isn't as straight-forward as "eating healthy food will result in feeling good" / "eating unhealthy food will result in feeling ill" because we really aren't taught enough about our own human need for connection; we can be (and very often are) starved for authentic connection and have no idea what's wrong, so we rather blindly settle for unhealthy connection because it feels significantly better than nothing. And I think being idealists also can make us okay with feeling like we're 'settling' because we know we have a higher-than-average bar in the first place.
Anyway, one thing I've learned the importance of later in life is that is important to maintain strong connections with friends because if there's already some connection without the romantic interest then I'll be able to be honest with myself about what I really shouldn't be okay with. This is something I really struggle with because typically I don't feel like I have the emotional reserves to maintain that kind of connection with more than one or two people at a time. But in retrospect I can see how not having a stable, authentic connection (one in which I'm accepted
as I am) outside of the relationship made me blind to the red flags, and made a relationship in which I was clearly not accepted as I am seem like a part of adulting that I had to suck up and settle for - and I ended up feeling more and more depressed without knowing what was causing it.
Also: the choice to be vulnerable (to authentically trust) others is all well and good, but it can't happen without repeated exposure to someone being worthy of that trust. We know on a very instinctual level when someone is worthy of that trust. The Brene Brown metaphor about marbles is coming to mind: we build trust with another person one marble at a time - every little instance we experience with them in which they demonstrate they can be trusted adds one 'marble' - and bigger trust only happens when enough marbles have been accumulated. I have a lot of friends - but most are the kind that are more exhausting than not to deal with because I don't especially trust them to see me and accept me as I am. There might be an element of choice in there somewhere (it's possible I could trust them more than I do), but my point here is: it isn't simply about having friends outside of a relationship, it's about having strong authentic connections that I know accept me for who I am - they've seen the warts, they know where the bodies are buried, etc - I think that's what's required to be able to be honest with oneself about the red flags. And that goes beyond romantic relationships - I think cultivating the strong relationships will in turn cultivate the ability to perceive red flags about anyone.