Feedback on ISFP / INFJ Friendship

[vabvol]

Looking for a little clarity in a friendship...I have an ISFP friend from work whom I've known for over 4 years, and I really enjoy his friendship. He is positive, encouraging, asks questions about my life, and gives me a firm handshake whenever he sees me. I believe this is my first ever ISFP friend. Most of my other friends are intuitives, though ironically I am married to an ESFJ. However, I'm struggling to determine whether I should keep investing in this friendship. We've had lunch together numerous times over the last two years, & we always seem to click really well. Last year, he even mentioned at one lunch how much really values our time together. Every time we're together in-person, I think, "He's a really good friend."

However, most anytime I try to follow-up with lunch or a hang-out a week or a few weeks later, he typically has either a legitimate or lame excuse for why he can't. On the flip side, a couple of months ago, he gave me an open invitation to stop by his house anytime I'm in the neighborhood (we live close to each other). He also tends to respond quickly to my texts. Since learning more about ISFPs, I've really focused on giving more space than I normally would in a friendship and not contacting him that often. I've also been more spur-of-the-moment and less planned with him.

Yet, 80-85% of the time, it is me initiating contact. I am the one pretty much always stopping by to visit him at work. He has only asked me to get together about four times total over the last two years. A few times, I've even allowed several weeks or months to pass in between contact, thinking he didn't want my friendship anymore. Then out of the blue, I would hear from him again. From the forums, I recognize this seems to be common ISFP behavior.

In addition, I confronted him about an issue we had last year. He was very apologetic, stated he really values me as a friend, and promised to give a better effort in our friendship. Yet, nothing really changed from that exchange.

So, I'm looking for some general feedback:

1. Do you think he considers me a friend? Should I continue investing? My time is limited, and I want to be investing it wisely with good friends.
2. Am I annoying him by asking him to hang out?
3. How much space should I give in between text messages, lunch invitations, invitations to hang out outside of work?
4. How do ISFPs tend to compromise in friendships/relationships to mesh with other types?

Thanks very much for your thoughts!

 

[AnnaSarita]

as an ISFP I found this video pretty easy to understand as it's about ISFP behavior YouTube

 

[Tina&Jane]

I've always been terrible at initiating things socially, even with the friends I'm closest with. I don't think his lack of initiation necessarily indicates that he doesn't consider you a friend, it could be that he's just used to other people taking the initiative and just rolls with it. Is there a lot going on in his life right now? I tend to fall off the face of the earth when I'm super stressed or if I have a lot of work-related stuff going on. In terms of continuing to invest in the relationship, do you think the frustration from his lack of initiation is outweighing the good at this point? If it is, I might take a step back. I might also leave things more on him, maybe saying something like let me know when you're free, I would love to hang out, and if you don't hear anything then just let things be for a little while. Sometimes I have been in that situation where I am the one mostly initiating and getting minimal contact back, and I've just had to take a step back and focus on other things.

 

[vabvol]

I've always been terrible at initiating things socially, even with the friends I'm closest with. I don't think his lack of initiation necessarily indicates that he doesn't consider you a friend, it could be that he's just used to other people taking the initiative and just rolls with it. Is there a lot going on in his life right now? I tend to fall off the face of the earth when I'm super stressed or if I have a lot of work-related stuff going on. In terms of continuing to invest in the relationship, do you think the frustration from his lack of initiation is outweighing the good at this point? If it is, I might take a step back. I might also leave things more on him, maybe saying something like let me know when you're free, I would love to hang out, and if you don't hear anything then just let things be for a little while. Sometimes I have been in that situation where I am the one mostly initiating and getting minimal contact back, and I've just had to take a step back and focus on other things.

Thanks for taking time to provide such a thoughtful response. Interestingly enough since I wrote this post, I pretty much have applied your advice by taking a step back over the past few months. I gave him three opportunities to get together over the summer, and he had excuses all three times. The last time I asked to grab lunch, he said he would let me know when he would be able to. That was 2.5 months ago. I had to take a step back for myself because the friendship was causing me too much frustration.

Since then, the only contact we've had has been a couple of very brief conversations in-passing at work. I've stopped coming by to talk to him at work, and as a result, the friendship has pretty much faded. Instead, I've intentionally focused on two other friendships that offer quite a bit more reciprocity and fulfillment.

The problem is that he is always busy with tasks - work, home renovations, side jobs - for well over two years now. I get seasons of being busy. However, when his tasks always seem take priority over his friendship with me, that's where I have an issue.

I don't even know if he realizes I've taken a step back. It's unfortunate that things are where they are. I truly enjoy spending time with and talking to him, but he doesn't seem to prioritize friendships the way I tend to.

 

[Tina&Jane]

Thanks for taking time to provide such a thoughtful response. Interestingly enough since I wrote this post, I pretty much have applied your advice by taking a step back over the past few months. I gave him three opportunities to get together over the summer, and he had excuses all three times. The last time I asked to grab lunch, he said he would let me know when he would be able to. That was 2.5 months ago. I had to take a step back for myself because the friendship was causing me too much frustration.

Since then, the only contact we've had has been a couple of very brief conversations in-passing at work. I've stopped coming by to talk to him at work, and as a result, the friendship has pretty much faded. Instead, I've intentionally focused on two other friendships that offer quite a bit more reciprocity and fulfillment.

The problem is that he is always busy with tasks - work, home renovations, side jobs - for well over two years now. I get seasons of being busy. However, when his tasks always seem take priority over his friendship with me, that's where I have an issue.

I don't even know if he realizes I've taken a step back. It's unfortunate that things are where they are. I truly enjoy spending time with and talking to him, but he doesn't seem to prioritize friendships the way I tend to.

I'm glad it was helpful. It really seems like the best approach at this point, you'll only get more frustrated if you keep trying to initiate and he continues to be flaky.

 

[vabvol]

I'm glad it was helpful. It really seems like the best approach at this point, you'll only get more frustrated if you keep trying to initiate and he continues to be flaky.

Just curious from your perspective [MENTION=35079]Tina&Jane[/MENTION] - I've read that you should look at the little things an ISFP does to indicate that they care about you as a friend. I'm probably overthinking things since I know ISFPs live in the present, but I've really tried to examine the small things - warm handshakes, open invites to stop by, telling me he really values our time together, clicking well in conversations, seemingly enjoying several lunches together. But on the flip side, I see someone who doesn't stop by at work to catch up, can go weeks without talking, and makes it semi-difficult to simply eat lunch together. So, what ways do ISFPs demonstrate they value a friendship?

I get the sense that he likes to know lots of people on the surface, but he puts up a wall for some reason when someone tries to build a closer friendship. So I intentionally backed off and have given him lots of space over the past several months.

 

[Tina&Jane]

Just curious from your perspective [MENTION=35079]Tina&Jane[/MENTION] - I've read that you should look at the little things an ISFP does to indicate that they care about you as a friend. I'm probably overthinking things since I know ISFPs live in the present, but I've really tried to examine the small things - warm handshakes, open invites to stop by, telling me he really values our time together, clicking well in conversations, seemingly enjoying several lunches together. But on the flip side, I see someone who doesn't stop by at work to catch up, can go weeks without talking, and makes it semi-difficult to simply eat lunch together. So, what ways do ISFPs demonstrate they value a friendship?

I get the sense that he likes to know lots of people on the surface, but he puts up a wall for some reason when someone tries to build a closer friendship. So I intentionally backed off and have given him lots of space over the past several months.

Just curious, but how is he with other people he considers friends? Do you notice him hanging out with and putting in more effort with certain people, or does he act the same with everyone he considers a friend? Although I'm not the best at initiating in general, I do think I will try harder with people I really want to stay connected with, and friendships I really value. This might look like sending a text asking how everything is going, how are you, etc. Or I might ask the person to hang out when their free and try to make plans. I don't have close friends at work, but I think if I did I would make the effort to stop by, talk, and catch up with each other. In friendships where I feel less valued by the other person, or where I don't feel as connected to the person, I'm less likely to put in this kind of effort and will go longer periods without talking.

 

[vabvol]

Just curious, but how is he with other people he considers friends? Do you notice him hanging out with and putting in more effort with certain people, or does he act the same with everyone he considers a friend? Although I'm not the best at initiating in general, I do think I will try harder with people I really want to stay connected with, and friendships I really value. This might look like sending a text asking how everything is going, how are you, etc. Or I might ask the person to hang out when their free and try to make plans. I don't have close friends at work, but I think if I did I would make the effort to stop by, talk, and catch up with each other. In friendships where I feel less valued by the other person, or where I don't feel as connected to the person, I'm less likely to put in this kind of effort and will go longer periods without talking.

The funny thing is I don't really know who he considers a friend. One time, he mentioned a co-worker and said he considered him a really good friend. I know they went to college together, but this really surprised me because I rarely see the two of them talk at all. He pretty much sticks in his cube and works the majority of the time. For the most part, the only time I've seen him talk with others at work is to discuss work-related stuff. When we have brief social gatherings at work, I've observed him speaking to different/random people and acting a bit more extraverted. From what I can tell, most of his social activities away from work tend to be driven by his wife. He seems to engage with whatever new group of people she is currently hanging out with at the time.

To answer your question...I don't really see him putting in much effort with anyone else unless it involves something that benefits him directly. He seems to have no trouble asking others for help or to borrow something. He's done that with me in the past. I do know he spends quite a bit of time following "friends" through social media and has a ton of "friends" on Facebook. He once mentioned that he likes all of his siblings' posts, but that he rarely talks to them on the phone, for what it's worth. He admitted they catch up at holidays where they left off. This leads me to think he treats all relationships fairly casually.

It is helpful to hear the perspective of another ISFP and know that you would make an effort with people you consider good friends.