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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017

    Default Romantic interest or just a friend? INFJ - INTJ

    Hey INFJs,
    I am an INTJ and I have a INFJ girl friend and I wanted to know if there was ways to tell if she's interested in more than friends? We've known each other for over a year now but we really connected in the last 2-3 months. We connected right away about three months ago and we talked for multiple hours every night for like two weeks. We're at the same school and are making a lot of work together for our exams and for some projects. She told me I was one of the few that understand her and that I'm the only one she can study with and be productive. We talked a lot about personal things and even about her last relation and how it didn't work out. We see each other about one to two times a week to work on school related projects, we also saw eachothers outside of school context and had really a great time. But I am unsure about her feelings because when we're alone she's not the same person as when I see her with her group of friends at school. Sometimes I think she's into me and other times it seems like it's only platonic... We're currently in the worst part of our school year we're very busy so we don't see ourselves as much.
    I would like to tell her how I feel but I don't want to lose what we already have...
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  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017


    From what you've said, I'd say there's a good chance she is interested in you romantically. That she told you she thinks you understand her is HUGE for an INFJ. Being understood is the jackpot for an INFJ. That she revealed personal information about herself to you, like her last relationship, also indicates that she is into you. Personally, I don't tell people jack about my personal stuff unless I've vetted them pretty fully. I don't accidentally confide, is what I'm saying, so I think it's safe to assume that is a deliberate choice of hers to do so. Trust is the foundation for intimacy with an INFJ and you have definitely been laying the groundwork. Obviously, I can't tell if she's attracted to you sexually from this perspective, but it would be my guess that she is waiting for you to make the move. What does seem clear to me is that she values your friendship and genuinely likes you, so if you were to tell her and she didn't reciprocate, you could probably salvage the friendship. It's unlikely that she would tease you or be upset with you or anything like that even if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. The part about her being different in different contexts is something that INFJs just do - I've heard it called the Chameleon Effect. INFJs are really good at reading people and reflexively mirror or match the sort of vibe of the people with whom they're interacting in order to facilitate harmony. Personally, this bothered me a lot when I was younger because I interpreted my behavior in doing this as being inauthentic and would feel embarrassed when people I knew from different contexts interacted because I was very aware that I have essentially 2 different personas and it's not really possible to maintain both at the same time. I would guess if she is colder to you in certain contexts, it's because she's embarrassed or uncomfortable about that. I've found that the more I got to know myself and what my values and priorities are, the less I chameleon with other people, but when I was in school I did it all the time and I was profoundly uncomfortable a lot because of it. I wouldn't take that personally, if you can avoid it. Oh and I just thought of something else, I am hyper-sensitive about romantic things, so, especially in school, if I had a crush on somebody, I would keep a tight lid on that in public. My worst fear is being embarrassed in front of other people about liking someone. Because I feel things so deeply and I know that's weird, if I do have a crush on someone, I'm pretty much obsessed with him and I don't want people to know that. I don't want to freak out the object of my affection and I do not want to hear other people laughing at me, so I keep that quiet, That might also be what you're noticing. When it's the two of you, she's comfortable, but until she knows it's reciprocated, she doesn't want anyone else to guess what she's thinking about. But, in summary, I think you have a good shot with her, but it's really doubtful she's going to be the one to make the move. That's my two cents, anyway! Good luck!
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