What the F*** is even real?!

[Samvega]

I'm in such an odd place in life, like totally lost but at complete peace. I'm in the middle of a midlife crisis, a existential crisis, maybe a smoldering crisis and who knows what else and I really need something to hang onto and know is real.

I'm turning here mostly because MBTI makes sense in my head so sorting the issue that way would be helpful.

From 15-33 I spent 16 of those 18 years in two relationships. I don't recall having trust issues or anxiety, I was always focused on so many other things I was just in a relationship but doing 50 other things at a time and often times forgetting all together I was even in a relationship. In the second relationship I was always flirty and didn't have great boundaries, I didn't cheat but would have had the option to at any time with any given number of girls.

At 33, after having had kids, been divorced and so on for the very first time in my life I got my heart broken by a girl, it wasn't a long term dating thing but damn it stung. It also made me feel really crappy for having been so careless with so many hearts in my past as I realized but how I made them feel. For a good deal of time from 33 on I was talking to 3-4 girls at a time (not actual relationships) and so I really never cared if one of them disappeared or I didn't hear from her as I wouldn't notice until I was bored. My boundaries were also still pretty loose. Over the past 7 years however things has really shifted for me, I've firmed up my boundaries and I take my relationships super seriously. I also find that I have A TON of trust issues and anxiety in most of them, it's unshakable, disappointing, a source of mystery and such.

What I'm really struggling with is whether my Fe is just totally taken over my Ti or if this has always been there for me but was avoided by having my hands in so many other cookie jars at any given time. Another issue I'm struggling with that maybe be causing this is I'm really at a loss for anything I want to do with my life right now so I tend to make my relationship my focal point. I have done SOOOO many things I just hit a point of A) wanting to share my time with a partner and B) being more comfortable supporting a partner than really having a gol of my own I want to chase.

I don't know, I just know I need some help, I suck at asking for help, my perspective is off and I would really love to hear any thoughts or similar experiences others are having.

 

[phoenix31]

I don't have anything substantial to add because I'm mostly on this forum to learn stuff, but I thought maybe it would be a good time to send you a virtual hug.

 

[sLiPpY]

If I've done the math correctly, about 40?

Let me say that between 38-42 this is perfectly normal. It starts somewhere in-between for many if not most males...some do escape but my guess is they're most likely "spectrum disordered." Unlike puberty, it can last for up to a decade...

Here's the root of the existential crisis: "I'm really at a loss for anything I want to do with my life right now so I tend to make my relationship my focal point. I have done SOOOO many things I just hit a point of A) wanting to share my time with a partner and B) being more comfortable supporting a partner than really having a gol of my own I want to chase."

The old road map is no longer working. Some folks go on a spiritual journey, other men buy a sporty car... I highly recommend the sporty car, if that happens to be an itch that wasn't adequately scratched during the younger years. Well, what to do with the sporty car? Doesn't really matter all that much, stoke it up with an off the hook stereo system...or do what I did and spin it around like this! Doesn't even necessarily need to be a car. Just something, that might scratch a similar itch...

Did it resolve the existential crisis? No, but it gave me the opportunity to get out here and there for one hella' lot of fun!

Hopefully, you'll find a way to short circuit the process... It's worse than F*ing puberty...and last one hell of a lot longer...

Even so, no worries...one day a person wakes up, doesn't give a shit...and life gets much better from there. 50s are golden, as the 30s were...eventually, one discerns what really matters. Which I hear is the key to later stages. Wish I could say there was some magic formula. One either gets there or they don't...gosh knows I tried everything!

Only other effective strategy? Let go of the wheel! Go with the flow, take life as it comes...follow wherever one's gut vs. programming leads. Give yourself permission not to feel like yourself, it's going to happen anyway. So on that spiritual note...surrender and acceptance are key.

 

[Samvega]

If I've done the math correctly, about 40?

Let me say that between 38-42 this is perfectly normal. It starts somewhere in-between for many if not most males...some do escape but my guess is they're most likely "spectrum disordered." Unlike puberty, it can last for up to a decade...

Here's the root of the existential crisis: "I'm really at a loss for anything I want to do with my life right now so I tend to make my relationship my focal point. I have done SOOOO many things I just hit a point of A) wanting to share my time with a partner and B) being more comfortable supporting a partner than really having a gol of my own I want to chase."

The old road map is no longer working. Some folks go on a spiritual journey, other men buy a sporty car... I highly recommend the sporty car, if that happens to be an itch that wasn't adequately scratched during the younger years. Well, what to do with the sporty car? Doesn't really matter all that much, stoke it up with an off the hook stereo system...or do what I did and spin it around like this! Doesn't even necessarily need to be a car. Just something, that might scratch a similar itch...

Did it resolve the existential crisis? No, but it gave me the opportunity to get out here and there for one hella' lot of fun!

Hopefully, you'll find a way to short circuit the process... It's worse than F*ing puberty...and last one hell of a lot longer...

Even so, no worries...one day a person wakes up, doesn't give a shit...and life gets much better from there. 50s are golden, as the 30s were...eventually, one discerns what really matters. Which I hear is the key to later stages. Wish I could say there was some magic formula. One either gets there or they don't...gosh knows I tried everything!

Only other effective strategy? Let go of the wheel! Go with the flow, take life as it comes...follow wherever one's gut vs. programming leads. Give yourself permission not to feel like yourself, it's going to happen anyway. So on that spiritual note...surrender and acceptance are key.

Well, this is the worst news I've gotten in a hell of a long time!! Thanks for that lol. It is however something to grasp and know is true, it's a platform to work from and gives me some focus in terms of knowing there's this thing, now I can stop looking for the thing and can instead focus on a solution or ways to mitigate the impacts of the thing.

So I guess I start building up the Felt scandium? Any interest in chatting and helping me figure out what components to toss on the frame as I'm new to this. Also, can you back/neck handle the downturn bars? Mine HATED THEM!

PS Thank you again so much, like it or not you hit the nail and the head!

 

[sLiPpY]

Well, this is the worst news I've gotten in a hell of a long time!! Thanks for that lol. It is however something to grasp and know is true, it's a platform to work from and gives me some focus in terms of knowing there's this thing, now I can stop looking for the thing and can instead focus on a solution or ways to mitigate the impacts of the thing.

So I guess I start building up the Felt scandium? Any interest in chatting and helping me figure out what components to toss on the frame as I'm new to this. Also, can you back/neck handle the downturn bars? Mine HATED THEM!

PS Thank you again so much, like it or not you hit the nail and the head!

The most helpful books in gaining perspective along the way, were written by James Hollis PhD. Amazon.com: james hollis

Ah, cycling! Still handling the downturn bars well, usually don't do so for more than a half-kilometer or so... Just glad to be peddling.

Yeah, wish I had something more encouraging to say, but the only way out is through!

 

[Wunjo]

I don't have anything substantial to add because I'm mostly on this forum to learn stuff, but I thought maybe it would be a good time to send you a virtual hug.

Sending a virtual hug to someone who is questioning reality.

Delightful irony.