Response to grief

[Verona]

A family member of mine recently died and I was surprised at the different ways that people expressed their grief. I was thinking it might be linked with whether someone is an introvert or an extrovert but I'm not sure.

When faced with a loss how do you process grief? Do you like to be with other people to share in the grief, do you like to keep yourself busy to distract yourself, do you hide away and not want any contact with people?

I discovered that I respond by not wanting to speak to anyone. I want to be alone to grieve and process my emotions on my own. I found having to tell other people to be very draining because I did not want the burden of having to deal with their response. I spent the next 2 days barely moving, speaking or doing anything.

 

[Yama]

I hate expressing emotion publically. I hate it. I can't stand crying in front of other people. So I want to be alone, but I still want to confide in friends/people who are close to me. I prefer to talk to them over IM to help me process because I'm the type of person who needs to think "out loud" and have other people to bounce off in order to process, yet don't want to do it in person because ew emotions.

 

[Norrsken]

I emotionally shut down and appear almost careless about the situation. The shock comes later and I hate how it catches me by surprise. I need alone time when something like that happens, though I do appreciate it when someone comes out of the woodwork and comfort me so that I can sleep easier. Death makes sleeping scary, I don't know, it just does.

 

[Hiraeth]

When the death of a loved one occurs, I'm able to cry in public, but it's extremely uncomfortable for me. For this reason I try to repress any outward emotion if can, but when other people are crying around me then I can't help but start bawling too. Grief in general is such an uncomfortable position for me, and when I see others around me expressing it openly I also have difficulty trying to comfort them because I'm just not a touchy-feely kind of person publicly. In order to deal with these intense emotions I find it best to retreat to my own safe haven and introspect for the time being. This way I can totally break down and release everything I have bottled up inside.

 

[Totenkindly]

Overall, I would mostly rather be alone to think, feel, and process. I often will write about it as well as some point.

I have a tendency in shared griefs to be the strong one (like when my dad died -- so I was looking after my mom, and worrying about myself later when it was all over).

I do not like to show strong emotion publicly in general, although it doesn't mean I would bury it (let's say at a funeral) if I experienced it and started crying, for example. But I really hate all the pressure from others in a public scenario; the last thing i really want is to make a scene or to be smothered/overwhelmed by others trying to "help" and then I feel like somehow I am supposed to make sure they feel validated for trying to help me. When my dad died, it was frustrating to have a lot of people who knew him in other roles to come tell me how great he was and assume how I was feeling about his death when the truth about my father was far more complicated and they were actually some of the people he had invested in rather than his own children. (I was polite to them in their grief, but at the same time on some level I felt anger over how it was my dad but here I was having to take care of them and not able to be honest, versus making a scene.)

Typically I have a few people I really trust, who I depend on if I'm hit by something hard. I know they respect my boundaries, I know they understand me, and I trust them to take care of me when I'm not in a good frame of mind to do so. I usually "vet" people like that before I let myself rely on them deeply for comfort.

anyway grief is a really important process and if we don't let ourselves work through it and experience the pain hands-on, it not only can undermine our ability to function but also the experience of what it means to be alive and engaged.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I have reacted differently depending upon the person lost. When one of my best friends committed suicide, I was stunned. I went to the funeral, kept to myself and left early. Then after the funeral, I met up with some friends from a different group and out of no where started crying (in public - horrible). Everyone was very kind. After that, I simply think of him often.

When my father passed, I didn't cry. So much baggage with my past (hadn't spoken in 15 years until about 3 months prior to his death, when his mental/physical health was suffering) that it was part a relief as when he came back into my life, I was in a caretaker role and the only child who lived near or chose to help him. He burned a lot of bridges.

I don't think I started dealing with it until 1-2 years after when I would have physical pains and depression around the anniversary of his death. I still *know* not by a calendar but by my mood when the anniversary of his passing comes around. I know to check the calendar. I still have work to do on this. I still have his ashes that have not been spread. I don't know why I'm holding onto them still.

Those are the only deaths that have affected me greatly. My grandmothers passed but I never felt loss or sadness and they lived full lives. I think if it's natural, it's part of nature and not a negative. It's different when circumstances of death vary. My reaction varies.

 

[Betty Blue]

I still find things so hard to talk about, even after years. I tend to lock in and lock out.

 

[Dreamer]

I used to, well, still revert to isolating myself off whenever I feel any sort of negative emotions. Though, having gone through the whole grief ordeal and being witness to others around reacting to the same loss, I learned you just can't simply shut off from others around you. Whether you need them, or they need you, when a death in the family occurs, it's a loss that everyone feels. Of it were something only I was dealing with, then yes, I'd revert to my tried and true methods of dealing with pain. But going through the same thing as a family, I know the importance now, of supporting one another.

 

[Lia_kat]

I show emotion and cry my eyes out for the first week at least. I guess that's how my mind handles the blow. After that I build my own cocoon of isolation, not really wanting to talk to anyone about it (but still consoling family around me as needed) until I process things in my own way and my own time.

 

[heymoon]

If something major happens, like if someone in my family's died, i tend to repress my emotions when I'm around other people. While I'm very emotionally distraught inside, I appear emotionless on the outside. I've even been told that I should try to be less serious. Then when I'm alone or maybe with one other person, I break down and cry a lot. Then for the next few days/weeks/months I have that empty sad feeling, and I'm more sensitive than I usually am (which is really, really sensitive) and I'd rather be left alone to distract myself by doing whatever, and if I do have to be around other people, that's usually distracting enough itself.