I've been looping and gripping for a long time. We can call this "the struggle of growing a shy INTP teenager girl in a xSFJ society." [Would a Fsociety joke from Mister Robot be too much here?]
Basically, seeing how I should've mannered looking at other girls, I had decided to study their personalities in order to correct mine. I was asking myself "why can't I do that? Why the hell do they keep on hugging, kissing and crying about stupid things? What's good in their games? What are the pros in loving girly things? This makes no sense, but I want to learn how to be normal"
This lead me to an awkward situation: I think using Ti-Ne-Si, I still interact with others using this shitty Fe I have (it's so obvious that it's made up and it's not me, but whatever) and then recluding myself into my safety zone, Ti and Si.
This eventually became chronic. For a year I've been unhealthy, struck in the neverending circle of poor iperanalysis and doubt. I overreacted to everything. I was just a giant ball of feelings who had lost his hard logic.
As now, the conflict Ti-Fe is still hard. The first prevents me from having relationships, the latter makes me wonder at night "why do I have to be so alone? I chose to, I like it, but at the same time I'd only wish to belong in a group."
Lastly, when I feel blue I indulge on drinking and other sensorial pleasures. After that I always ask myself why I should have done that if it actually drives me to nothing. I know when something makes no sense, but when I'm under the inferior it doesn't matter.
This was actually more than what I was expecting to write, I'm sorry for the wall of text and the broken english.
