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Definition of Self-Care to the different types...

Virgo1987

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I was wondering what the different types of self-care were depending on the person/type and if anyone has ever thought that self-care, much like other forms of things in today's society, has gotten to a point where people obsess over it and can't function without it?

I mean this in the sense that people use the term "self-care" as a reason to react a certain way or an excuse to react a certain way.

I'm going back to the blogs again and what I see on the internet. Another type of movement where self-care seems to be practiced so much I wonder if anything else in their lives gets done. Basically, what I see or what I sense from what I see, is that self-care has become an act of approved selfishness. Along with what I read, self-care goes along with saying a person doesn't have to be forgiving and has every right to be angry -- and to walk away. I understand in certain circumstances, there truly is no other way and I feel for those people a great deal. At the same time, I know a lot of situations in life probably have an easy fix, but it's just easier for someone to stay within their rage and walk away. I've also noticed that with this specific generation I'm speaking of (ie: the internet) and even through my typical walks of life.

I personally find it hard to place myself completely into a self-care atmosphere where everything I do within that moment is entirely about me. Even when I think ahead to the day or the week, I don't experience moments. Of course self-care to me means smaller things, like a foot soak or some time spent on my favorite video games, or creating my artwork. Other than that... there's nothing else. My thoughts are usually like what can I make for dinner, for everyone to be able to eat, not just what I'd like to eat. When I find myself going through things I don't want, I put things aside for some of my younger family members that might want them (extended family, I'm speaking of).

I guess I just wonder where people place self-care and where they place themselves within self-care.
 

Yama

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I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure it out. For now, it's just "not being mean to myself." A part of me feels like it's impossible for me to care about myself at all without it turning into complete hedonism, like some sort of extreme dichotomy between loving myself too much and not loving myself at all, which is why I've been reluctant to get better at self-care.

Taking a nap, relaxing, reading a book, and in general trying to avoid/correct my desire to be cruel to myself. I'm currently practicing these things.
 

ceecee

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I do self-care but it's not at the expense of getting things done. I organize my life and things in my environment so that they work for me. I think that's the first step someone in need of self care should do. We have kids, that comes first but I plan so that doesn't disrupt everything in my environment.

No toxic or stressful people in my life - I don't care who you are, GTFO. Past experiences have left me almost no tolerance for drama or overly emotional people. In work situations when it comes up, I won't put up with it either. This is why I work from home but all my coworkers and boss are fantastic. It's the best job and group I've ever worked with.

I've heard a lot about support networks but I have what I need in my ENFJ and a few close friends.

I make the time for hobbies/sports and things I enjoy as well as regular exercise. That's said a lot but I really can't overstate how much better it makes me feel. I also watch my diet for the most part. I curl, work in my garden, cook, read, watch movies, get outside with my kids.

I take time off. I have no idea why not using vacation time is a badge of honor. It's stupid. I get 4 weeks a year.

I get some pampering regularly. I have a massage a few times a month, nails, hair...it makes me feel good.

Having a comfortable place to have some quiet time is important, no matter type. I spend time with my ENFJ just talking or watching tv. That reconnects us.

I know other people are going to need more in regards to a support person or people. Maybe a mental health professional to help map out a plan. Spiritual self care. Maybe yoga or meditation. There are a lot of ideas out there. I'm sure there are apps that could help keep people on a better path, too.
 

OrangeAppled

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Ah...it is self-care as a facade for resistance to changing oneself when the ego is threatened.

"Other people are the problem, and rather than change or adjust to such 'toxic' people, I will justify it as me looking out for my own emotional well-being, not me being intolerant of different views, preferences, or styles. I am not the problem, and nothing about my way of being is creating a negative dynamic, so the only solution is to cut out the people/things creating conflict for me."

Yes, I see this a lot, and it is not genuine self-care. It definitely seems like a justification to never actually take responsbility for when things go wrong, but to instead indulge one's own immediate emotions which are protecting a narrow ego. It's feel-good ear-tickling junk food for the ego.

The narrower an ego is, the less a person can function with a variety of people and settings. Everyone/everything is the problem instead of them, and they will out of neccessity limit their contacts and environments to ones they don't have to adjust themselves for. Anything that wont adapt to them is deemed a problem. The healthier a person, the broader or more elastic the ego, and so they are not threatened by being asked to act outside of their preferences (the ego has integrated much more into the concept of self).

The protecting of a narrow ego is not self-care as it becomes damaging to the person, just as indulging in poor eating and a sedentary lifestyle may seem more comfortable and pleasant in the moment, but can have ill effects on your health and quality of life in the long-run.

Broadening the ego can be uncomfortable, as with most any growth. It can take a conscious, deliberate decision to be/think/feel/see differently than whatever habits one has developed in responding to people/environments (the ego is very evident by these mental habits, aka preferred cognitive processes).
 

Yama

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"Other people are the problem, and rather than change or adjust to such 'toxic' people, I will justify it as me looking out for my own emotional well-being, not me being intolerant of different views, preferences, or styles. I am not the problem, and nothing about my way of being is creating a negative dynamic, so the only solution is to cut out the people/things creating conflict for me."

I've been really bad at self care all my life, but everything friends and support groups tell me I should do to take care of myself when it comes to trans things(tm) is to block out the hate/not let it get to me/surround myself with supportive people/etc and that the haters are toxic. So where is the line drawn between an echo chamber and actual self care? Genuine question because I legitimately don't know.
 

magpie

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Ah...it is self-care as a facade for resistance to changing oneself when the ego is threatened.

"Other people are the problem, and rather than change or adjust to such 'toxic' people, I will justify it as me looking out for my own emotional well-being, not me being intolerant of different views, preferences, or styles. I am not the problem, and nothing about my way of being is creating a negative dynamic, so the only solution is to cut out the people/things creating conflict for me."

Yes, I see this a lot, and it is not genuine self-care. It definitely seems like a justification to never actually take responsbility for when things go wrong, but to instead indulge one's own immediate emotions which are protecting a narrow ego. It's feel-good ear-tickling junk food for the ego.

The narrower an ego is, the less a person can function with a variety of people and settings. Everyone/everything is the problem instead of them, and they will out of neccessity limit their contacts and environments to ones they don't have to adjust themselves for. Anything that wont adapt to them is deemed a problem. The healthier a person, the broader or more elastic the ego, and so they are not threatened by being asked to act outside of their preferences (the ego has integrated much more into the concept of self).

The protecting of a narrow ego is not self-care as it becomes damaging to the person, just as indulging in poor eating and a sedentary lifestyle may seem more comfortable and pleasant in the moment, but can have ill effects on your health and quality of life in the long-run.

Broadening the ego can be uncomfortable, as with most any growth. It can take a conscious, deliberate decision to be/think/feel/see differently than whatever habits one has developed in responding to people/environments (the ego is very evident by these mental habits, aka preferred cognitive processes).

I've seen people like the ones you describe above but I think you're treading a very slippery slope here by use of generalities. Some people actually are toxic and it is okay to cut them out of your life. It is self-harm to stick around people who are abusive. I don't really believe "tolerance" of different views is even really something to be celebrated. Curiousity about different views is, challenging yourself and others is, and being creative is. But the word tolerance evokes something that is a chore and done because you have to, not because you want to. Anyone can tolerate but it takes effort to do more than that. I also don't think you have to tolerate if you don't want to.

I agree that discomfort from "broadening your ego" is fine but there is a point where you can actually cause a lot of harm to yourself by broadening your ego just for the sake of broadening your ego, and that can result in ignoring your survival instinct or legitimate gut feelings about what's dangerous and putting yourself into, or tolerating, situations that are incredibly unhealthy and damaging. Also, broadening your ego for the sake of broadening your ego is rather egotistical, don't you think? As rather than being genuinely curious about others, you are just interacting with them to speed up your own growth. There has to be some give as well as take.

I think this quote from Henry V sums this up nicely: "Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.”
 

OrangeAppled

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I've seen people like the ones you describe above but I think you're treading a very slippery slope here by use of generalities. Some people actually are toxic and it is okay to cut them out of your life. It is self-harm to stick around people who are abusive. I don't really believe "tolerance" of different views is even really something to be celebrated. Curiousity about different views is, challenging yourself and others is, and being creative is. But the word tolerance evokes something that is a chore and done because you have to, not because you want to. Anyone can tolerate but it takes effort to do more than that. I also don't think you have to tolerate if you don't want to.

I agree that discomfort from "broadening your ego" is fine but there is a point where you can actually cause a lot of harm to yourself by broadening your ego just for the sake of broadening your ego, and that can result in ignoring your survival instinct or legitimate gut feelings about what's dangerous and putting yourself into, or tolerating, situations that are incredibly unhealthy and damaging. Also, broadening your ego for the sake of broadening your ego is rather egotistical, don't you think? As rather than being genuinely curious about others, you are just interacting with them to speed up your own growth. There has to be some give as well as take.

I think this quote from Henry V sums this up nicely: "Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.”

This response made my post into a straw man though. Nowhere did I say to tolerate abuse or to broaden your ego for its own sake. If you understand what "broadening the ego" means, then it is not dangerous, because being a higher functioning person would never mean ignoring your own needs and the term "broaden" actually means the ego has less of a grip (egotism lessens). It has nothing to do with tolerating any and all things and not having any boundaries. That was not even remotely suggested by my post. :huh:

I also didn't speak of toleration in a moral sense....

The slippery slope can go both ways, sure, but the OP seemed to be about the "self-care" label being used an excuse for rather unhealthy tendencies and attitudes.
 

magpie

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This response made my post into a straw man though. Nowhere did I say to tolerate abuse or to broaden your ego for its own sake. If you understand what "broadening the ego" means, then it is not dangerous, because being a higher functioning person would never mean ignoring your own needs and the term "broaden" actually means the ego has less of a grip (egotism lessens). It has nothing to do with tolerating any and all things and not having any boundaries. That was not even remotely suggested by my post. :huh:

I also didn't speak of toleration in a moral sense....

The slippery slope can go both ways, sure, but the OP seemed to be about the "self-care" label being used an excuse for rather unhealthy tendencies and attitudes.

I wasn't trying to strawman you, I was just trying to have a discussion and give my perspective on your post. Extrapolate on it, I guess, if you will. I hope you don't feel attacked because that was not what I was trying to do. I was just sharing what I think and using your post as a jumping off point.
 

OrangeAppled

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I've been really bad at self care all my life, but everything friends and support groups tell me I should do to take care of myself when it comes to trans things(tm) is to block out the hate/not let it get to me/surround myself with supportive people/etc and that the haters are toxic. So where is the line drawn between an echo chamber and actual self care? Genuine question because I legitimately don't know.

There is never really a clear line, but understanding where people are coming from helps. Even if their behavior and attitude is wrong and should not be tolerated, it is rarely about you, which helps you deal with them better when you have to. I maintain that a fair amount of conflict with people is a bad dynamic, not one individual being bad or wrong. Both people are pressing each other's buttons and reacting defensively; both point their fingers at the other and says, "No, YOU change first." If you don't take it to be about "who you are", then you can adapt as needed to diffuse things, and within the bounds of morals/ethics.

What I am really talking about is not tolerating bad behavior but not painting stuff as intolerable because you don't want to make any adjustment on your part or have to alter your paradigm for reality. An example is someone resisting a new skill, by saying something like "I'm just not good at stuff like that." The narrow ego is asserting an identity to prevent humiliation from possible failure. If you hear yourself saying/feeling, "That's just who I am!" in a defensive manner, then consider why. Maybe there is a good reason - maybe it is about having principles and boundaries or a healthy sense of self, etc. But sometimes it is a defensiveness against thinking or seeing in a way that one doesn't prefer or that doesn't suit some desire of theirs. When it comes to other people, the defensiveness can manifest as "that's just who they are" aka "they are BAD".

Often, people will present their preference as some objectively correct way, suggesting that when others adapt to it, they aren't adapting to a personal preference, but that it's some undeniable reality. If others don't adapt, they are called "wrong", and terms like "toxic" are a way of distancing ourselves from the possibility this is about personal preferences and not someone being "wrong".

So a few ideas...

First - What is a hater? If a hater is someone who doesn't agree with all of your views or choices, etc, then that indicates a pretty narrow ego. If the person is actively doing/saying things that actually harm your well-being, then that is different. Obviously abuse, immorality & unethical stuff shouldn't be tolerated.
Second - Is their influence really negative to your well-being or are the adaptations they require with reason even if not preferable? Could these adjustments even be beneficial to you in the long-run (silly illustration - thinking types who have to learn to deal with the emotions of others; probably not "toxic")
Third - Recognizing how much you are asking people to adapt to you when you don't adapt to them. How much are you requesting from individuals, environments, society, etc, and how much are you willing to give up or adapt in return? Understanding how much is being asked means understanding it from their preferences, views, experiences, etc. Often we feel our preferences are reasonable, are no big deal, etc. But those people likely feel the same about their preferences. People suddenly get way more reasonable when you recognize they are reasonable, if that makes sense.

Of course, there are extreme, unreasonable people, and there are real incompatibilities that can make it better to stay at arm's length from some people, but the point is to just recognize when that is being used as an excuse. I am not saying to adapt to get along with ISIS or something.
 

Star Atlas

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In one viewpoint I sort of see this phenomenon as the creepy half-sister to the "do too many things constantly" internet approach. Like, on FB my feed is filled with people posting things like "got up at 4 am to write 5 pages in my journal while sipping spring water birthed from the loins of a volcano tucked deep in the earth's core, then ran 10 miles before getting my 2 kids off to school, and now I am having a self-expression moment where right after I congratulate myself for all of the busyness I subscribed to, I am going to instagram a picture of myself at dawn sipping tea while an inspirational message about how getting back to the basics of life makes me who I am floats across my face in squigglytypefactfont#34."

For myself, I find self-care items to be typically linked to the first things I toss in my life when things inevitably go pear shaped. And the world is gradually righted back to center when I make getting enough quality sleep a priority instead of say, netflixxing myself into 3 am.
 

prplchknz

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I wouldn't call waht the op is talking about self care: although sometimes it is necerry to walk away from situations because you can't solve them, not everything has a solution, and to think it does is delusional. a lot of things do have solutions, i guess everything techinically has a solution if one is walking away.

self care is like i'm fucking sick and tired of the god damn people i'm gonna lock myself in my apartment and watch Luke Cage and drink coffee then i'll study. or getting at least 8 hours of sleep and eating balanced meals. or snuggling with a pet.
 

Coriolis

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I wouldn't call waht the op is talking about self care: although sometimes it is necerry to walk away from situations because you can't solve them, not everything has a solution, and to think it does is delusional. a lot of things do have solutions, i guess everything techinically has a solution if one is walking away.

self care is like i'm fucking sick and tired of the god damn people i'm gonna lock myself in my apartment and watch Luke Cage and drink coffee then i'll study. or getting at least 8 hours of sleep and eating balanced meals. or snuggling with a pet.
Exactly. A big part of what is often described as self-care is setting boundaries. Too narrow or too broad, and you cheat not only yourself but also the others you might otherwise interact with and actually have the energy and patience to impact positively. Another big part is making sure your own physical needs are being met: e.g. using sick days when you are sick rather than forcing yourself to go in to work.
 

Yuurei

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I honestly do not even understand the concept.
 

Obfuscate

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“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”
-bell hooks

“The phrase 'Love one another' is so wise. By loving one another, we invest in each other and in ourselves. Perhaps someday, when we need someone to care for us, it may not come from the person we expect, but from the person we least expect. It may be our sons or daughter-in-laws, our neighbors, friends, cousins, stepchildren, or stepparents whose love for us has assigned them to the honorable, yet dangerous position of caregiver.”
― peggi speers

“Individuality is different than isolation. Isolation is trying to do everything on your own, living life by yourself. Isolation happens when you choose not to be involved in any communities, making sure you keep a safe distance from people in your life. I’m not recommending isolation. Science, psychology, and religion all suggest long term isolation is dangerous and unhealthy.”
― stephen lovegrove

“Solitude is where I place my chaos to rest and awaken my inner peace.”
― nikki rowe

“People like us, we think differently, don't we? We are different. We do all the things that others do. But when it comes down to it, we don't need anyone else. We're happy doing what we do and having obligation interferes with that. And sometimes I think we don't even need ourselves. What's most important is to find out whether we're right or not.”
― imon morden

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.”
― daniel goleman,

“When I am constantly running there is no time for being. When there is no time for being there is no time for listening.”
― madeleine l'engle

“Charity is to be measured, not by what one has given away, but by what one has left.”
― fulton j. sheen

“Discovering the truth of who you are is the only way to love and care for yourself.”
― vironika tugaleva

" ...but much worse than that, you have injured your own character. A man’s character is like his house. If he tears boards off his house and burns them to keep himself warm and comfortable, his house soon becomes a ruin. If he tells lies to be able to do the things he shouldn’t do but wants to, his character will soon become a ruin. A man with a ruined character is a shame on the face of the earth.”
- raloh moody
 

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Self care for me right now is just indulging myself to good food, good music, good people to surround myself with, good movies to think about, and so on. Learning dialectical behavioral therapy has expanded a much longer list of what I should do instead of turning to self sabotaging thoughts or actions.
 

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Some folks have alluded to this in this thread, already, but not in these words: It's important to recognize the difference between self-care and escapism. Sometimes you think it's self-care and it's just keeping yourself from feeling uncomfortable -- even when discomfort is necessary for actual self-care. For example, facing a painful truth so you can reach catharsis, or eliminate a stressor.

How I define self-care for myself is striking a balance between my human needs and my personality needs.

I personally need order, I need closure. I need accomplishment. I need to be doing things. I need to keep busy. If these things aren't present, I come unmoored, and small acts of order-creation -- cleaning, DIY, errand-running -- are a good way to anchor myself again.

As a human... That's where it gets tricky. I'm not good at taking care of myself, especially regarding my emotional needs. When I get stressed, my instinct is to sleep less, eat less, shut off communication with others. I tell myself I don't need those things. That my resulting burnout has nothing to do with how I'm treating myself. But obviously that's wrong.
 
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