[Fi] Admitting to emotional frailty

[senza tema]

I'm mostly looking for feedback from FPs on this subject but anyone else can chime in.

I despise admitting to my core emotional weaknesses and frailties. Intellectual shortcomings I have no problem owning up to. If anything, I err on the side of humility. But the idea of confessing emotional weaknesses and defects to someone else fills me with dread. While I can admit those flaws to myself and accept that they're a part of who I am—a fundamental part even—it repulses me to consider exposing them to anyone else. Even when I want to reach out for help and reassurance and support, I can't because of an overwhelming sense of shame for having those weaknesses at all and even worse for being needy about them.

Which kind of flies in the face of the whole Fi + e4 descriptions that emphasize authenticity and living one's truth with pride ... but I kinda feel like those descriptions or the way they're written are kinda bogus and attempt to circumscribe the way we really feeeeeel.

So FPs ... HOW DO YOU FEEL? OR AM I JUST A FREAK??????

(I am not a freak. )

 

[prplchknz]

I have problem admitting to others because the world is like you have to look strong even when you aren't. if you aren't strong your seen as weak and incompetent, and I know that's not 100% true, but in the US the mode is pretend your the best at everything, even, especially when you're not. don't admit your weakness because if you have admitted weakness you have failed. Now that can't be completely true, but i feel that there's this competiveness here that just doesn't come naturally to me, and I'm expected to give a fuck, but most of the time I don't. I just know what my personal strengths are and improve on my weakness for myself not to out do someone else. I also do cry really easily, so lot of people think i'm weak but it's usually because i don't understand people who are unable to cry. I mean i kind of get it, but i've never been able to just not cry in certain situations, which usually is when i'm overwhelmed and tired.

this probably didn't help you, but if it did you're welcome. if not maybe someone who knows the trick will help, because i don't know the trick.

 

[senza tema]

I have problem admitting to others because the world is like you have to look strong even when you aren't. if you aren't strong your seen as weak and incompetent, and I know that's not 100% true, but in the US the mode is pretend your the best at everything, even, especially when you're not. don't admit your weakness because if you have admitted weakness you have failed. Now that can't be completely true, but i feel that there's this competiveness here that just doesn't come naturally to me, and I'm expected to give a fuck, but most of the time I don't. I just know what my personal strengths are and improve on my weakness for myself not to out do someone else. I also do cry really easily, so lot of people think i'm weak but it's usually because i don't understand people who are unable to cry. I mean i kind of get it, but i've never been able to just not cry in certain situations, which usually is when i'm overwhelmed and tired.

this probably didn't help you, but if it did you're welcome. if not maybe someone who knows the trick will help, because i don't know the trick.

No, I feel very similar. I cry easily too but I still try to make sure I don't do it in public. It helps that I keep to myself a lot. But my sense of shame stems more specifically for having needs at all or for depending on others to fulfill those needs. Yuck.

I'm not particularly competitive (or only about silly things like board games) but I was also brought up to be composed, stoic and "emotionally strong" so it's hard to let that go. I don't like to fail and I don't like people seeing me fail.

 

[prplchknz]

No, I feel very similar. I cry easily too but I still try to make sure I don't do it in public. It helps that I keep to myself a lot. But my sense of shame stems more specifically for having needs at all or for depending on others to fulfill those needs. Yuck.

I'm not particularly competitive (or only about silly things like board games) but I was also brought up to be composed, stoic and "emotionally strong" so it's hard to let that go. I don't like to fail and I don't like people seeing me fail.

yes i try not to cry in public either or at least not in front of any one, sometimes it happens especially if i tell the person to stop and they won't and keep needling me and won't let me leave.

 

[Evo]

I think I've said this before, but I dislike that people are made to feel like their emotional needs are not needs. IMO it's very important to be able to go to someone about your emotions, and them not think that you're being needy. I actually have a hard time viewing people as a close friend if they don't allow this.

In general, I don't do very well with expressing emotion face to face. I pretty much express my emotions to friends via text, or to friends that I've made online.

Having a screen as a barrier for my Fi makes it so the person on the other side of the screen is there for me, but at the same time, it doesn't come off as me hurling intense emotions at them, and them becoming overwhelmed. This also allows me to collect myself and present caveats to the other person (so they know I just need them to do a specific thing, or react a specific way, etc.)

Usually I feel better after doing this. Or I journal. Journaling is even better.

 

[Mustafa]

Hey!

About this topic. I agree with above post, needs should be admitted. There is a saying: "If something great happens only once, it is a miracle. But if it happens more then it is a skill". Something like that. So find someone, like a psychologist to practise with. Then you can copy your skills in "emotional intelligence" that youve learnt to your family and possibly friends if you got. My sister is ISFJ and she does want to help me, but I dont have the social emotional intelligence to cope with her. She is FJ so she has Fe, socializing comes easy for her. But not me. I guess she is waiting for me, to break out of my shell. Right now we have a very fomalized way of talking. And I cant steer the situation as a man.

There are vultures out there whom wants to eat you, but if you see someone is trust worthy, i think you shouldnt hesitate to be honest with him about how you feel. Say "I feel that ...". Use emotional words, you dont even have to admit emotional needs. Just use emotional words, like I feel, express that you are tiererd (unless you want to hold out longer) and so on.

 

[Dreamer]

I'm mostly looking for feedback from FPs on this subject but anyone else can chime in.

I despise admitting to my core emotional weaknesses and frailties. Intellectual shortcomings I have no problem owning up to. If anything, I err on the side of humility. But the idea of confessing emotional weaknesses and defects to someone else fills me with dread. While I can admit those flaws to myself and accept that they're a part of who I am—a fundamental part even—it repulses me to consider exposing them to anyone else. Even when I want to reach out for help and reassurance and support, I can't because of an overwhelming sense of shame for having those weaknesses at all and even worse for being needy about them.

Which kind of flies in the face of the whole Fi + e4 descriptions that emphasize authenticity and living one's truth with pride ... but I kinda feel like those descriptions or the way they're written are kinda bogus and attempt to circumscribe the way we really feeeeeel.

So FPs ... HOW DO YOU FEEL? OR AM I JUST A FREAK??????

(I am not a freak. )

I'm at work right now, and really shouldn't even be on TypoC, oops! But right off the bat, I TOTALLY feel ya. I'm the same way. I have no problem admitting my intellectual failings or shortcomings, but admitting anything personal such as emotional weakness and insecurities is a huge challenge to overcome for me. I like to project myself as this person that has their emotional shit all figured out, even though I know no one actually does to the degree I hold myself to, but I still can't bring myself to admit to those deficiencies. I must be a freak too

 

[Flâneuse]

I used to struggle with shame over what I perceived as "weak" emotions and needs. I hated feeling overwhelmed and hated it even more when my normally calm surface cracked and those emotions became visible to others, whether it had to do with sadness, fear or anxiety. I didn't even like crying in front of family members and wished I could be tougher and more genuinely stoic. Now I don't see those feelings and the display of them as being weakness in and of themselves, but instead as just part of being human. (As vulnerability, which is distinct from weakness.) I now see emotional weakness as letting my feelings affect my actions in way that leads me to act contrary to my values/sense of how I should act: for example, giving up when I'm frustrated or overwhelmed, taking my frustration and anger out on others who don't deserve it, being closed-off and cold towards others because I'm too preoccupied with my own bottled-up feelings, etc. I am very hard on myself about those things, but I'm trying to use the guilt and shame as motivation to change my behavior instead of letting it turn into self-loathing and self-pity, which just makes the problem repeat itself.

So in short, I don't think having emotional needs and feelings of vulnerability makes you weak; it's what you do with your feelings that counts. I think the strongest thing a person can be is emotionally open with themselves, able to listen to their feelings without being ruled by them.

 

[entropie]

the only one you need to admit anything to is him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itmNiTwHOsM&nohtml5=False

The rest is your bad-selfcoinscience

 

[Xann]

I've always struggled with this too...

I think as this particular type there are a great deal of feelings that are felt much too strongly and with too much complexity to be adequately understood or validated by the vast majority of other people. Even the simplest of human failings is internally reflected within a very foreign way of viewing the self compared to how most people of other types experience them, so it makes even the very simple things hard to share because everything is contingent on something so subjective. From a young age it's reinforced over and over and over again how wrong it is to share this side of you as this particular type because it often seems like no one understands, and I don't think this is because of some key flaw of being a 4 per se but it really is because no one understands, and even when they do (best case scenario) they usually are approaching the issue in a way that does not validate where it is actually coming from the 4's perspective. Worst case scenario, you not only fail to be heard or validated but you typically get mocked and labelled with some form of being defective, another one of the 4's perceived core issues which I think is actually usually based in some form of truth/pattern of nature. Getting older though you realize it is actually worth it to share nonetheless certain things with certain people, so I think it is all about confronting the (Se + Si) realities of what the consequences of rejection truly are, and in many cases, they are negligible from the adult point of view, especially when your perception is honed to the point of being able to tell in advance how receptive and effective a person may be in hearing you out.

 

[SD45T-2]

I'm mostly looking for feedback from FPs on this subject but anyone else can chime in.

I despise admitting to my core emotional weaknesses and frailties. Intellectual shortcomings I have no problem owning up to. If anything, I err on the side of humility. But the idea of confessing emotional weaknesses and defects to someone else fills me with dread. While I can admit those flaws to myself and accept that they're a part of who I am—a fundamental part even—it repulses me to consider exposing them to anyone else. Even when I want to reach out for help and reassurance and support, I can't because of an overwhelming sense of shame for having those weaknesses at all and even worse for being needy about them.

Which kind of flies in the face of the whole Fi + e4 descriptions that emphasize authenticity and living one's truth with pride ... but I kinda feel like those descriptions or the way they're written are kinda bogus and attempt to circumscribe the way we really feeeeeel.

So FPs ... HOW DO YOU FEEL? OR AM I JUST A FREAK??????

(I am not a freak. )

 

[Cowardly]

I don't like opening up either. I'm more open when journaling but I still don't open up that much. I can barely remember when was the last time I opened up to somebody in real life but I know that I regret it.

I am still trying to find out why.

 

[wolfnara]

It is something I never do. I can easily admit anger and impatience, but not sadness, happiness, or sympathy. The problem is I easily break under pressure and can't think on my feet very well. I can't hide it at points of stress, but most of the time I am not one for sentimental conversation and opening up to people. It seems quite cringe-worthy to me. Actually it is this aspect of Fi in Jung's writing that I relate to surprisingly accurately to.
;
("The proverb 'Still waters run deep' is very true of such women. They are mostly silent, inaccessible, and hard to understand; often they hide behind a childish or banal mask, and not infrequently their temperament is melancholic. They neither shine nor reveal themselves. Since they submit the control of their lives to their subjectively orientated feeling, their true motives generally remain concealed"- Jung. )

 

[Kheledon]

Great thread.

I am not an Fi dom, but I am married to one, and most of what appears in this thread feels hauntingly familiar. I can confidently say that [MENTION=23222]senza tema[/MENTION] is not a "freak" in any way given my limited experience of Fi doms.


Time for me to listen and learn.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I really love the existence of this thread, thank you OP for making it.

There is something I discovered a while back that occurs in people who have had a difficult life or upbringing: negative pride.

In people with more normal development, parents encourage and praise their child in such a way as that the ego develops a good sense of self, or pride. Of course we have the selfish id and the righteous superego as well, but in a healthy human being the three work together. [some could argue any pride at all is something to be worked out but that is for another discussion].

In people lacking a healthy developmental environment, to survive in the social arena, they have to get this sense of self from somewhere, so they 'earn' it themselves over time. It becomes their security blanket if you will so that they are not steeped in such poor self-esteem that they cannot function. I call this negative pride. Negative pride is even more difficult to get rid of than positive pride because it is part of the foundation these people have built their psyche upon since childhood, when no one else did (or did adequately). Because to annihilate negative pride, one has to slowly desconstruct their development and heal along the way, addressing areas of pain and hurt and replacing negative pride with humility.

To not be able to do this is a normal coping mechanism because the self senses you want to destroy it. I think the only way to go about it is to slowly and methodically (it will take years most likely) start peeling away the layers of self laid up in negative pride and as the self sees that it survives this process and actually feels better, it will become easier and easier to decoct the unhealthy ego into a healthy one. A good place to start is what is most pressing on your mind; this could be what makes you most anxious or what you find yourself fearing most, or any area where you want to take a step forward but are stymied. Taking baby steps to address those tiniest feelings on the edges of your experience, not tackling it all at once. Like Mustafa said in another place, once you get practice it becomes easier because the self knows you are not trying to destroy it, but help it.

Just my thoughts~

 

[Seymour]

Interesting thread (and topic)!

I don't feel like admitting to emotionally vulnerability is inherently negative... although it depends on the context. Making oneself vulnerable to another is often necessarily when building trust and deepening communication. While we all have frailties, I think an FP strength can be to own up one's frailties and thereby enable others to do the same.

Still, the context is crucial.

Like some others in this thread, I have a hard time with self-compassion and I have a fear of failing. I think resilience can be a learned skill, but requires dealing with shame and feelings of inadequacy by learning self-compassion. That can be a tough and painful battle for some of us.

Part of my learning process has been to make room for my own "frailties" and needs, rather than just power through in pursuit of some goal. So in that sense, admitting to emotional "frailties" earlier and attending to them makes one stronger, rather than weaker.

 

[Masokissed]

I don't think I've admitted to anything face-to-face. Unless "I'm bored" is a sign of deep psychological issue. I do online, but not without shame.

 

[Chrysanthe]

I'm naturally self-pitiful so I have no shame in expressing everything wrong about me... online.

well it depends. I very much dislike revealing that I am in a poor mood for some reason, but I am perfectly fine with discussing negative traits and patterns that I have.

(maybe it is because my mood is much more static and not prone to change (at least through words) and so I feel that communicating my own mood would not give me any worthwhile results, but discussing personal problems of mine help me cope by having someone relate to me or help give advice related to it, or just feel pity for me?)\

irl I try to avoid as much as possible revealing anything that could be used against me... I become NTP-like even and avoid relating anything to myself in conversation and remaining as psychologically distant as possible.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

@crysanthe. I relate.....

I just think i survive and i cope.

To admit that i dont feel good or am doing poorly might be falsely misconstrued as God isnt taking care of me. Or that i cannot cope. Neither are appealing. I can say i am 'sick'. But in a moment to admit i feel bad might imply i can't handle things. And i can. I do. I will.

Or else i will fail and become completely dependent on someone. All or nothing thing i guess. Dunno.