question about ISTJ males

[wakeangel]

Can I ask a question about ISTJ?

I am dating an ISTJ male, and recently found out my tattoo artist is also ISTJ. This is complicated for me as an INTJ because I don't like dealing with feelings but I have been realizing that a lot of paranoid thoughts I have been having are stemming from the fact that I do feel very "in tune" with my tattoo guy, and last time I went he seemed pretty irritable / frustrated with me because I never talk to him much. So, I decided OK I will be appreciative of what you've done for me, and I got him a card for his birthday and gave him my Wolverine Dog Tags (legit movie replica - because I identify with Rouge and have plans on getting a tattoo of her. I was hoping he would understand the reference - I like the relationship between Rouge and Wolverine because they have similar wounds, and seem to understand each other / get into each others heads without intending to so they kinda have this "friendship" throughout the series.) So yeah. he said thank you, and we chatted a bit on FB, and he said he would rather talk to me in person than on FB, so I said OK we can talk at the next appointment for my tattoo to be finished. I just feel like there are a ton of subconscious / underlying feelings going on and I hate feeling like someone might have an inadvertent influence over me so I want this shit sorted out and settled and decided so I don't feel on edge about it.

I've been asking him off and on for probably 6 months to do the MTBI test, and he just took it and typed as an ISTJ. So I was pretty psyched by it because I've got a ton of abstract theories that make complete sense to me and I started chatting excitedly about the type and asking him questions, and explaining the differences in our personality. He pretty much stopped responding to me. I know that because he is an "S" instead of an "N" that most of the information I get will be non-verbal, because I've learned a TON from my man about just "being" in reality from being around his "sensing" type. The problem here is, I am super sensitive to rejection, and I really want to be friends with my tattoo guy, because I feel like he actually understands a lot of my craziness, and he's kinda been there and listened to me. First, I know as a female this is can be rough territory - some guys just want to be friends with "hot chicks" because they think they are gonna get laid. I do not think this guy is like that. He's just as deep and serious as I am, and that's why I am so psyched someone in the area can relate to me. But he just stopped responding to me at all. Now I have no idea what to think, so I basically just told him that I was gonna stop "running at the mouth" and wait until the next appointment which is June 13th.

WTF, I am so confused so I've basically just decided not to say anything to him at all and just put it out of my head because I have no idea what to think. I don't share my theories with just anyone and the fact that he said nothing at all is kind of insulting and hurtful to me. But in the same, it's been my experience that ISTJ males don't know wtf to do with me. They just watch me and listen. It's infuriating. Why can't they fucking talk or at least say something so I don't feel like I am word-vomiting and making a fool of myself? HAAALLLPP!!

 

[Ene]

Give him time. My ISTJ has no clue about how to be subtle. If he likes you, he'll tell you in his own way, when he's ready. Remember, he is reluctant to just "open up" unless he knows he can trust you. I have lots of ISTJ experience and I know that a few things are needed for a successful relationship of any kind with an ISTJ. Be real. Be consistent. Be dependable and trustworthy.

 

[Pionart]

WTF, I am so confused so I've basically just decided not to say anything to him at all and just put it out of my head because I have no idea what to think. I don't share my theories with just anyone and the fact that he said nothing at all is kind of insulting and hurtful to me. But in the same, it's been my experience that ISTJ males don't know wtf to do with me. They just watch me and listen. It's infuriating. Why can't they fucking talk or at least say something so I don't feel like I am word-vomiting and making a fool of myself? HAAALLLPP!!

No. ISTJs don't know wtf to do. With anyone. Ever. They just watch and listen. It's probably more infuriating for the ISTJ themself.

 

[wakeangel]

So..... nothing brings them out of their shell? This seems like a challenge I would like to take on...

I am inclined to agree with you as well... My man is ISTJ and for the most part we vegetate / cuddle in front of a book or TV and I will do things like sit very close to his face. and Stare. For as long as it takes to get a visible reaction out of him.
Most times not, but on occasion I can get him to smile or break his poker face. In a twisted way we enjoy this... I do tons of stuff like this. Just because he doesn't react to much.

 

[wakeangel]

So if we are supposed to have a conversation, how do I not over express if he isn't expressing? Or should I just say one thing and be quiet for a spell to give him opportunity to respond?

I've pretty much sorted things out as this - and what I plan on telling him: after thinking through a bunch of things, he definitely matters to me. I am not sure to what degree just because we haven't really talked much and I have no idea how he feels. But, if I go back and look at things say, subtract my tattoos from my life, I wouldn't be the same person, so in some small way. he's definitely helped me change into a better person. And I appreciate that. is that OK to start with?

Also, is it a bad idea to kind of directly speak observations about the INTJ to them? I tend to do this to people and they get quiet and I don't know if it's because I am right or if I've offended them.
I guess it's a safe bet if the ISTJ is still around you've not offended?

Thank you, Ene.

 

[Pionart]

So if we are supposed to have a conversation, how do I not over express if he isn't expressing? Or should I just say one thing and be quiet for a spell to give him opportunity to respond?

I've pretty much sorted things out as this - and what I plan on telling him: after thinking through a bunch of things, he definitely matters to me. I am not sure to what degree just because we haven't really talked much and I have no idea how he feels. But, if I go back and look at things say, subtract my tattoos from my life, I wouldn't be the same person, so in some small way. he's definitely helped me change into a better person. And I appreciate that. is that OK to start with?

Also, is it a bad idea to kind of directly speak observations about the INTJ to them? I tend to do this to people and they get quiet and I don't know if it's because I am right or if I've offended them.
I guess it's a safe bet if the ISTJ is still around you've not offended?

Thank you, Ene.

Make clear what you are expecting. For example, after speaking, say like "what do you think of what I just said?", then wait for him to absorb it and piece it together and see what he says.

Maybe due to the Fi, but I think an ISTJ would greatly appreciate hearing that they have made a positive impact on someone's life. And to offend an ISTJ, it has to be something personal about them - they don't get offended if you talk about some unusual subject. I would imagine INTJ to be similar in this regard? Things that may offend would be say if you criticised the tattoos he's done. If you were to say to him "you are too quiet and need to express yourself more", then chances are that won't offend them too much and is the sort of "truth" an ISTJ appreciates, in a sense, but also they probably hear it all the time and know this but don't know how to change it. So perhaps be specific in the sort of things you want them to express.

I think ISTJs will enjoy hearing people talk about abstract subjects, and will likely be sort of screening for relevant details to their own thoughts. Like, say if you said something about type that the ISTJ had noticed before but not really read much into they could be like "oh, so that's actually a thing". Also, Ni doms will take me (yeah, I'm basically talking about myself through this whole post, it may or may not apply to other ISTJs) on a sort of "mental ride" where my mind is going into hyperdrive processing all the stuff they're saying and I won't know how to respond because it's all new information and it's like woah.

But like, you're in a relationship with an ISTJ, so you should likely have a decent understanding of what makes the ISTJ tick, and in particular how you can shape your own behaviour to elicit the desired reaction from them. And of course, type is only part of the story so this particular ISTJ will need to be looked at with respect to his own unique personality.

 

[wakeangel]

Thank you Legion...

I think that makes sense.. Generally if someone has the balls to be straight up with me, it takes time for me to process it. Especially if it is an ISTJ... my man has said things about me and now my tattoo guy too, that just kinda needle into my brain and I literally have to ponder through masses of information for weeks sometimes. I don't get offended, I just basically have to go away and hermit and it's all "excuse me while I go ponder" and then I have this roller coaster of emotions and logical arguments that happen and simmer on the back mental burner in an obsessive way until I figure out what I am wrestling with.

I totally get what you are saying about the mental ride. That is exactly how it is for me emotionally. It's like a complete influx of energy / information / overwhelm and then I have to go hide somewhere in the trees for awhile to recognize / understand that I have feels... and just process everything logically too. Maybe it is due to the fact that the only difference in functioning seems to be the sensation / intuitive one. If I am around an ISTJ - It's like I have what you are saying in reverse. I can sit for a 3 hour tattoo session with this guy or chill with my man for an evening and I come away from it feeling more myself, without having said much. This is due to the physical touch thing - if I am touching them, I am communicating somehow. As if there is this function going on that the ISTJ is not aware of but I am.... and there's a heat transfer going on so it's chemistry, but vibe communicating except I get the vibes in combination with thoughts in my head that aren't mine. (I am huge on though management.) so... yeah if you are interested in sorting that one out, I am curious on your thoughts. Weird, because my man is a Pisces, and we tend to have this "flow" kind of connection. My tattoo guy is a Taurus, and I'm a Scorpio. So we have this... I dunno. We seem to always sit directly across from each other / be positioned as such almost like opposite poles. And I have noticed that he kinda adapts to some of my vibes and vice versa. Just not something I've experienced before so interesting. My brother.. He's a saggitarius, and he has this way of poking at me in a subtle way that pushes me where I need to push myself and didn't realize it. My dad.... scorpio... and yeah I feel like we both are just really empathetic, and self effacing... haha.

 

[Pionart]

Thank you Legion...

I think that makes sense.. Generally if someone has the balls to be straight up with me, it takes time for me to process it. Especially if it is an ISTJ... my man has said things about me and now my tattoo guy too, that just kinda needle into my brain and I literally have to ponder through masses of information for weeks sometimes. I don't get offended, I just basically have to go away and hermit and it's all "excuse me while I go ponder" and then I have this roller coaster of emotions and logical arguments that happen and simmer on the back mental burner in an obsessive way until I figure out what I am wrestling with.

I totally get what you are saying about the mental ride. That is exactly how it is for me emotionally. It's like a complete influx of energy / information / overwhelm and then I have to go hide somewhere in the trees for awhile to recognize / understand that I have feels... and just process everything logically too. Maybe it is due to the fact that the only difference in functioning seems to be the sensation / intuitive one. If I am around an ISTJ - It's like I have what you are saying in reverse. I can sit for a 3 hour tattoo session with this guy or chill with my man for an evening and I come away from it feeling more myself, without having said much. This is due to the physical touch thing - if I am touching them, I am communicating somehow. As if there is this function going on that the ISTJ is not aware of but I am.... and there's a heat transfer going on so it's chemistry, but vibe communicating except I get the vibes in combination with thoughts in my head that aren't mine. (I am huge on though management.) so... yeah if you are interested in sorting that one out, I am curious on your thoughts. Weird, because my man is a Pisces, and we tend to have this "flow" kind of connection. My tattoo guy is a Taurus, and I'm a Scorpio. So we have this... I dunno. We seem to always sit directly across from each other / be positioned as such almost like opposite poles. And I have noticed that he kinda adapts to some of my vibes and vice versa. Just not something I've experienced before so interesting. My brother.. He's a saggitarius, and he has this way of poking at me in a subtle way that pushes me where I need to push myself and didn't realize it. My dad.... scorpio... and yeah I feel like we both are just really empathetic, and self effacing... haha.

Haha, I doubt they know they have that effect re: needling into your brain.

However, I would think the tattoo artist would realise the effect of physical touch, but probably not be so effected by it himself due to being used to it.

Don't tell a psychiatrist that you feel that you have thoughts in your head that aren't yours.

 

[wakeangel]

I told him that he pisses me off because he has the balls to just outright say no or argue with me. My man is the same way. But I respect them for that.

My tattoo guy - yes - far as the touch goes. My concern is... ISTJ typically is just about details and being in the moment, so I don't think he's picking up all the "feels" I pick up from him and how do you tell someone you know what they are feeling when they (seemingly) ignore their feelings or otherwise suppress them?

Been through 5 therapists. One has been helpful. I went to her for about 6 months. then she transferred. then I found her again and went to her for 2 months, recently. Now she's out on medical leave.

I'm fairly certain most of the voices are repressed emotions. I do not experience emotion in my body. It manifests as a reoccurring thought pattern that is associated with a certain "grouping" of emotions. Until I recently came to terms with.. Damn it, my tattoo guy has somehow worked his way into my feelings and I care about him... I was having super paranoid thoughts and this insane idea that I was cheating on my man because I go get inked.... but then realized it is probably an intensified version of my own childish moral values that my parents instilled in me... and if I change the pattern, then the thoughts will change. Which they have.
I also was married to a narcissistic Taurus for 6 years, who abused me in every manner possible due to his selfishness. so my tattoo guy is a walking contradiction to those old traumas and wounds... so I guess that might play into why I feel drawn to him...

So I am guessing that it would be... a positive thing to mention the needling the brain thing? haha.

That and, if I sent him like.... 5 messages on FB about personality types because I was doing that thing where I go on a wild mental ride and actually expressing it.... He didn't respond to any of them.
should I bother trying to talk to him again, because I want to. or just wait till I see him?

 

[BadOctopus]

Several off-topic posts containing insults and bickering have been moved to the Graveyard. Try to remain on-topic, or at least civil, as failure to play nice may result in a threadban.

Have a super day.