Trouble saying no to people

[DreamBeliever]

I have trouble saying 'no' to people. Anyone else have this problem? I hate to let people down, I feel backed into a corner, I feel nervous & uncertain with myself, & I don't want people to think bad of me. Unfortunately, this causes me to hang out with people when I possibly don't feel like it, to let people stay over when I rather they didn't, & to lend people money or treat them to a meal or something when I really can't afford it. Why is it that I have this problem?

 

[DreamBeliever]

Type related?

 

[HongDou]

Typically FJs struggle with this the most, although it's not unusual for it to show up in FPs, 6s, and 9s as well. Saying no can just be a people problem in general.

I think the "why" you explained yourself - you don't like to let people down and have them think badly of you. A good coping mechanism for this would just be to remind yourself that no one can do absolutely everything. People have to budget, take their alone time, and work on other things they have going on in their lives. Sometimes people just don't feel up for things too. No one will chastise you for saying no to them, especially since it sounds like you have good reasons to (the lending money situation I think anyone would understand). So just reassure yourself that people are more understanding than what the anxious part of your brain thinks. It's also just a good feeling in general to say no to people sometimes - you feel less dragged around and more like your own independent person. So that feeling of loosening the chains that come from your interpersonal attachments is also something to strive for.

Also this:

 

[Frosty]

I did not want to respond to this because I was afraid I would turn it back on myself, which to warn you I probably will, so it might not come across as fluidly as I would like.

It seems like this behavior, is more of an attempt to fit the needs of another person. To be the part that you believe they are missing. While you are busy being that for someone else, you are not being it for yourself. It might seem selfish, but at the end of the day if you resent the other person for what you believe they desire, you are doing no favors.

Anyways, I do think it is marvelous for you to desire to help, but I am not sure if I have any practical advice for you. Hmm... Maybe when you feel that the other person is reliant upon you, take a step back and evaluate whether your help is a short term stopgap, or a long term solution. Try to look for solutions, and try to suggest them to the other. If you desire to help, try to avoid doing so in a way that just chips, chips away, all the while ignoring the bigger issue.

It is hard for me to give advice on this, because it seems like such a core part of your personality and I do not have much to personally go off myself. Maybe just when you feel that tug, pull away.

 

[kyuuei]

Oy.. I feel like I remember feeling like this was an issue for me in another life.. but it's been so long ago.. now-a-days I'm far more likely to push back and put my needs first, and I'm constantly trying to reign in that instinct to self-serve.

But. My sister struggles with this. She sees everything as confrontation. She mistakes disagreements with arguments, and equates truth and honesty with harsh, cold, lifelessness. She has such a fear of being the 'bad' guy that she sort of creates herself into the bad guy! Her own personal bad guy.

This is definitely a problem. Spending money you know you do not have, doing things you aren't enjoying, and hosting people you're unhappy to host takes all the joy out of doing those things when you CAN and WANT to do them!

I dunno the exact answers to this.. but I can tell you where I would start if I noticed this in myself:
1. I'd start by telling my closer friends I'm having this issue if they don't know it already. See if someone can support you by giving you some coaching last minute or help answer a question while you're working through strategies yourself.
2. I'd go research people with this problem and see their strategies. Some might be lame some might be good. There are a lot of books out there on this doormat subject, and the library is free. Google searches are always free too.
3. I'd probably communicate to the rest of my friends that I'd prefer them not to ask me for things for a while because I am having this issue and that I hope they understand that I'll offer things if I can, that if I say I need to think about it it is because I truly do need time to muster a real and honest answer, and maybe ask to create invites on facebook or something less person-to-person so that you can click 'maybe' and then truly decide whether you'll attend or not of your own free will.

That's where I'd start.

 

[á´…eparted]

Typically FJs struggle with this the most

Please, saying no is super easy for me .

 

[Pionart]

I struggle with this, ISTJ type 6.

 

[Yama]

Oh man, I get this problem a lot, mostly when dealing with people I don't know well (I don't know how they might react and I don't want to be rude). It usually takes a lot of pushing from my ISTJ to get me to say "no" to other people. I usually do what [MENTION=4939]kyuuei[/MENTION] suggested, about talking it out with close friends. They can give good support & advice and help you past it.

 

[small.wonder]

I think it helps "yes people" to know that not saying no is potentially hurtful to both themselves and others. If someone tells me yes, I expect them to follow through-- I would so much rather someone give me a solid no, than false or strained yes.

We can do nothing well if we commit to too many things, so pick your few and do them well-- every yes that you give, is a no to something else. If "yes" feels like bondage, don't give it. Just say no if you don't want to agree.

 

[ceecee]

No.

 

[Mane]

No.

I think it helps "yes people" to know that not saying no is potentially hurtful to both themselves and others. If someone tells me yes, I expect them to follow through-- I would so much rather someone give me a solid no, than false or strained yes.

But a big yes to that ^

 

[DreamBeliever]

The thing is is that it's friends I have the trouble saying no to, so talking to them about it wouldn't be comforting. lol I also hate being told no by others, though. If people reject me or tell me I can't do something, I get a 'Ill prove you' attitude & get all intense/obsessive over it. I just don't like the pressure I feel from people. I don't really mind confrontation, because I can get pretty aggressive with people. I just feel floored & knocked off balance by people's questions sometimes. I don't know why I get like that with friends. I mean, I can get all up in strangers faces, telling them off, but the second a friend asks something I get like "um, um, um... sure."

 

[thoughtlost]

I have trouble saying no....
It's less about being peer pressured into things, though. The people who I can say to no to but don't are really understanding... but I really cannot bring myself to say "no, I would like to stay to the end of the graduation ceremony" ...instead I sneak around the issue and say "I'll be out in a minute... you go to the bathroom and I'll catch you in a bit"

Or I say "yes" to someone because I really really really want to meet their needs be/do all I can for them because that is the only way I think we can interact in a way that is satisfying for me (this is for someone I really care for). I feel like asserting my needs would only put us at odds (and not necessarily in a bad way... just in a way that won't be as close as I'd like ...you know... the person will go on doing their own thing and I'll be a last thought maybe or something ...sadness).

Sometimes I say yes because I really don't care to say no.

But it's never because I think the other person wants me to say "yes" (or at least that is what I think....)

 

[INFPtheQuietOne]

As an INFP, I think our type struggles with this the most. ISFPs are more direct and aggressive while IXFJs do please people, but they open up a lot.

 

[á´…eparted]

As an INFP, I think our type struggles with this the most. ISFPs are more direct and aggressive while IXFJs do please people, but they open up a lot.

More poor stereotypes.

Having trouble saying no is not something INFP's struggle with the most. In fact, INFP's can be very resolute and firm in their convictions, how they actually say no might appears softer than one would expect though. I doubt there is much of a correlation at all between type and ability to say no.

The difference is how types in general do or don't have trouble saying no. Within it, there aren't too many correlations able to be drawn.

 

[INFPtheQuietOne]

More poor stereotypes.

Having trouble saying no is not something INFP's struggle with the most. In fact, INFP's can be very resolute and firm in their convictions, how they actually say no might appears softer than one would expect though. I doubt there is much of a correlation at all between type and ability to say no.

The difference is how types in general do or don't have trouble saying no. Within it, there aren't too many correlations able to be drawn.

Oh, no, not stereotypical at all, what I meant was INFPs MOSTLY are quiet and naturally passive. So yes, we do come off as soft, only because we don't really like getting involved in the social drama. We also hate drawing conflict and attention, we're not people pleasers at all. But of course any type can act like a different type too. Sometimes I act like a shy ISFJ, using Fe towards my close ones. I also seem IXTJ towards strangers, being too shy and avoidant with them.

 

[Ghost]

As an INFP, I think our type struggles with this the most.

I have trouble saying yes to people.

 

[ceecee]

I also seem IXTJ towards strangers, being too shy and avoidant with them.

If I have an option not to talk to someone, I don't. Not because I'm shy or avoidant. Because I don't always have the energy or desire to engage. I have no feeling either way about strangers.