Lately some things have been left me wondering about this.
When I was a child I was a very peaceful and calm being, didn't mind sharing (I actually didn't care), very careless and always immersed in my own world. I didn't like conflicts, so most of the time I would give in just to end whatever blabber was going on, it wasn't much of a loss for me anyways. It's like someone was crying over 0,05€: just give them the fucking coin already, what a pain. If someone even asked for it gently, I was more than willing to give them whatever they wanted.
I was like this in my first years of middle school, I was naive and I also had the bad luck of entering a class full of dicks who would occasionally pick on me or take advantage of my good nature. I would just ignore them because I couldn't be bothered to stand up and make a scene.
When I entered high school I was more aware, but I still preferred the peaceful approach. Even when someone wronged me, I would ignore them, bear with it for those few mins and they'd eventually stop. I was optimistic that they would learn on their own, I had some faith in humanity back then. Those same people would act all friendly and later ask me for help during exams and what not. But I didn't care; I was always smart at school, it was an easy ride for me so it was 0 effort for me to help them. It actually was nothing for me, I didn't think I was doing that much for them. Even though we occasionally hanged out together, I was never really part of that group. No one acknowledged me if not 1-2 friend and one girl who I fell for.
When I entered university I realized how easily I was giving myself away. One day I took a look of myself in the mirror and I felt disgusted by what I had become. Someone that people do not respect despite the kindness, who gets joked on, who is only taken advantage of, who gets understimated and who gets stepped on. I snapped at that image. My pride got so scarred by that image that I decided to change myself. I said "Fucking screw them all. They have gotten on my nerves now. Do you want to challenge me at this game? Fine. I can play by whatever rules you wish and I will win in the end. I always get my fucking victory in the end. You aren't worth of my goodwill, you will only get shit now. You all, no exception."
I re-examined myself under the Te lens and started correcting myself: I stopped being so generous and available to people. I became colder, stricter, more judgemental, selfish. I was and still am very good accademically-wise, so I dedicated myself to perfecting myself. I developed a huge conficence in my field that was bordering arrogance, I became strictly rational and logical, I started throwing shit to shitters and I enjoyed it. I also realized that you can't trust anyone; I haven't personally experienced the disappointment on my skin, but I've witnessed others being wrecked by it and I imagined how much it would have burnt to put all my faith in someone I got affectionate to and then see that same person betraying my trust or being harmed in some way. I forbid myself to get close to anyone and imposed myself to detach from anyone who was close to me at the time. I closed off to EVERYONE and I started seeing people for the rotting individuals they were. I started seeing emotions and feelings of attachment and love as a weakness. I never really needed anyone, there actually never was someone for me to begin with and I've always done fine all this time alone, do I don't see why I would need someone now. I started feeding off my state of indepence and I became more misanthropic and nihilistic. The more time I spent alone, the more my ego fattened up as my knowledge and self-awareness were accumulating. I started being more cunning, I started planning things way in advance and I started seeking opportunities and acting behind the scenes. I was surprisingly naturally good at all those things. I became very efficient. I was reborn.
In that period I started investigating psychology, personality disorders, MBTI ecc and would often score in the schizoid/narcissistic department, or as an INTJ and my ego would just reinforce the idea that I was that and that I was shining in my highest and most perfect form ever. All that was backed up by a long streak of success in real life, by a newly acquired sense of satisfaction and high confidence. All this potential I was holding in was now being released. No longer the pathetic individual I had seen in the mirror, no longer such a poor excuse of a man. I even overanalyzed my type, in order to narrow down what my true self was and confirm that the new me was the real me. I never took the tests before that change, so I don't know how I would have scored back then. I only know that now I either score INTJ or INTP and both descriptions totally fit me. I tried reading other profiles and the only ones I can see fitting for my old self are either INFP and INFJ gone wrong or a INTP 9.
I also studied functions and I have very strong Ni(90%) and Ti(95%), followed by Te(80%) and Ne(70%). I am a very bad observer (low Se) but I can recall past memories very easily (decent Si?). Fe and Fi are so frozen and forgotten that I wonder whether they still exist, but they most likely do, since sometimes I spontaneously help someone who needs assistance. The fact is that it really costs me 0 effort to help and my assistance is usually quite significant despite the low energy invested. I justified it by thinking that it's wiser to be liked for it in the work place, even though I hold back from helping like before. My Ni is what carried me all along in accademics. I really do nothing the whole time and just figure shit out and express it in my ways, which aren't really proper or "orthodox", but are correct and still get validated by professors who unwillingly nod. Whatever action I do, is passed under the Te lens and when I'm not talking to anyone or minding my own business, I engage in huge amount of Ti. I haven't understood Ne much, but if Ne is related to generating ideas and possibilities, then I also have a high Ne, as my mind is able to endlessly generate possibilities and unprobable events and speculate about them.
HOWEVER, it could just be that I developed very high Ti and Te afterwards and that before I was an F. It's hard to tell when I score high in all these functions. I have had hardship understanding whether I was an INTP with very good Ni or an INTJ with very good Ti. I also wondered whether I was an INFJ with Ni-Ti loop (that made sense), since such type also scores as a schizoid (a personality disorder which I've suspected to have for some year), but the profile didn't fit. An INFJ who repressed his Fe and substituted it with Ti, therefore maining Ni and Ti (which are very high for me).
So, do you think I was an INFx who got fed up and turned INTJ because it was "better"? Is such change even possible? Or perhaps I was a very immature INTx who finally decided to move his ass? The functions are there to back up some different profiles. In any case, if I am indeed wearing an INTJ mask, if I am indeed using another persona, then I must be doing a really fucking awesome job at it.
