1.) please share your definition of passive-aggressiveness.
Expressing negative thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviours in an indirect manner. I think it really does stem from not being able to manifest anger and hurt in a healthy way.
2.) please share an example or two of what you see as passive-aggressive behaviour. Anecdotes are welcome.
Passive aggressive behaviour I have exhibited in my life:
- the silent treatment: the last time I've done this was a few years ago. It gets too exhausting to hang on to the stubbornness and resentment. I've never answered with the classic, "What's wrong?", "Nothing", as if they ever asked what was wrong, I told them in no uncertain terms. But in my instances, it was more of a stubbornness when, in my opinion, the other failed to recognize what they've done, and then failed to approach me about it, indicating that they didn't care enough, because I shouldn't be the one making the first move to reach out to them, when it was they who did something wrong (in my biased perception). Juvenile. Tiring. Weighs you down to the same static place. It also was a very bad alternate to managing my anger. When I let my anger fly, it's not pretty. And I really don't feel very in control. It was the lesser of the two evils, because I would be vibrating with anger, and knew that if I released it, in the state I was in, it would not go over well. So, I'd remove myself from the situation. But, rather than broach the topic after I've cooled off some, it would be the same thoughts circling and circling again, making me angrier. And, it never really subsided. Now, I just get on with it, approach them, tell my piece, and move on. I've learned to "care less", which is a good thing. Learning how to care only about a select few people and opinions, and letting the others just slide.
- oneupmanship: rarely, but it does happen, where it has taken on the form of passive-aggressiveness. It's essentially games, mind games. However, most times, when I partake in oneupmanship, it's directly communicated that that's what I'm doing. And the people I engage in this with, are the type of people who I already know can't help but try to oneup, as well. So, it's a "willing" player. They just can't get a hold of the hole in the game. A juvenile game of constantly keeping something dangling in front of the other, but always just out of their reach, yet they keep wanting to reach for it. So, in that way, both players know what is being done. How it's done is where the mind games come in. An issue of mine that I am aiming to curb. I must refrain from going on a crusade whenever I come across self-righteous, willfully ignorant, arrogrant assholes, and this becomes my knee-jerk reaction to them. Sigh.
- deliberate procrastination: and I'm guilty of this even to this day, when it comes to my father. If he demands anything, and I know that there's no logical reason to not comply, the fact that it was conveyed as a demand, in an authoritarian tone, makes me procrastinate, so I get to have that sense of (silly) control: ON MY TERMS.
Otherwise, I'm pretty direct in my communication. I aim to be assertive, but I know that I do have aggressive moments. I think this is where Ti being modified by Fe is key. Because, if I don't pause for a moment, to really think about how something can be perceived, given the audience, then my Ti releases without filter. And Ti has a razor sharp edge. Cushioning it with Fe, as I've gotten older, has really been my cornerstone of self-improvement in terms of interpersonal communication. It's a work in progress.