I have a question to both fps and fjs.
When witnessing a statement/comment by someone you know/friend/acquaintance that you believe is offensive:
FP answer:
How do you react?
That depends on the situation. Am I in a big group or alone with the person? How close am I to them? How well do I know them? And how offensive is the matter at hand to my Fi?
You see, I'll always be more careful in group situations, and if someone is a close friend and I know them well, I'm a lot more capable of gauging *where* that statement would come from and what context to view it in. Often people say something in frustration that they don't particularly men in such a vicious way sheerly due to the issues they are dealing with and coz they are tired. If I know the person, I can read which triggers have been touched to cause such a reaction and depending on their situation and the repetition of this 'offensive' pattern, I'll adjust my reaction to letting it go, or to make a point of not enabling the behavior.
On top of that, and this is especially true if I don't know the person that well yet, I'll check what they actually *meant* to say. I'll ask for clarifications - to check if I missed an inside joke, if perhaps the word they used doesnt have the same meaning it does to me, etc - and then I'll check that for patterns and Fi-fallacies to see how much bullshit they are trying to get away with or if there is a genuine authentic reason for going there.
Also, if they hit one of my insecurities - especially when I was younger- it was at times hard to pull back my Te in a kneejerk reaction. These days I try to avoid that, unless a pattern of being deliberately offensive and the reason why they are being offensive to me is very clear. Otherwise, Ill always try to first check where it is coming from.
Lastly, with people that know me very well, I do have one expectation: if you know me well, then you know how I work, as I do with you and you can be blunter about the things that bother you and vice versa. Those things can sometimes be construed as hard truths or hard povs and therefore offensive. It is like fencing between friends: it keeps you on your toes, reveals your weaknesses, makes you aware of them and sometimes you end up bleeding a little; however, since you know for sure that they are your friends for a reason and are fond of you *despite* those issues, you know that it is a safe place to do such fencing in.
Do you judge that person by the comment that person made? Or
Depends. I don't...judge per se, but I file what they said away to their personality map folder, as such, to fit it in with how they work and what they believe and perceive.
By the history of experiences you've had with that person?
All those experiences are registered in that map, so they all get seen in context with each other
Would you give that person time to explain themselves? Or
Always. I usually prompt people for that information, coz I want the entire picture. Granted, if it was particularly painful, I might need some time to lick my wounds first before having that part of the conversation.
Do you get further offended when that person tries to defend themselves?
Ha. That depends very much on what he says and *how* he says it. The thing with defending is...especially if you re talking about something that *was* already offensive, that you often get to see the way the person thinks, states things, his belief etc all just from how he puts his sentences together and what type of logic he uses to defend himself. Granted, you have to correct for FeTi and FiTe differences coz those are two very distinctive languages to use for 'defending'. The thing is that you those extra sentences can either reveal that the person in question does not see the sentence he said as offense due to the way he or she perceives that statement themselves. But often you can also tell by the way they defend themselves *why* it is that they would make an offensive comment about the other person in the first place. It often reveals anxieties, insecurities, an inability to - and man this is ironic to say as an NF - detach from themselves, go beyond what *they* feel is right and how they *perceive* reality and imagine what other peoples povs are and how they are equally valid. That in and of itself is not a problem, UNLESS they so sure of themselves that the way they view the world is the only correct way and therefore feel that they get to push that onto others without even a second to doubt themselves. Aka a butt load of unfounded arrogance and judgement. And those I might just show how offensive I find it, just to shake them up and see if I can at least make them a little curious about why their pov isnt the only one that is acceptable in the world.
Is a sincere apology accepted? Or
Yup. However, it also depends on if they can demonstrate that they understand the reason to apologise. Usually, with a sincere apology, there are 3 reasons:
They apologise because they dont want the head ache of discussing this further
They apologise because they like you too much to let this thing blow up
They apologise because they truly understand why it would be offensive and therefore validate my pov and my response as essentially equal to their own.
Honestly, the last one is more of an explanation (something you see often in Fi users btw and seems to bug Fe users as apparently seems like an excuse instead of an apology). And, honestly, that one is the one that carries the most weight.
I appreciate all three, but the first one - when I notice that that is the reason - is for me a reason to distance myself from that person and the topics we discuss, so we can maintain that peace. But it saddens me to have to close that door of interaction and enrichment from each others povs.
The second one is very much appreciated as I too value our bond, but saddens me for the same reason as before. It also implies that I have to watch out with you, because you don't know why what you did was offensive. It means you are - through no fault of your own - likely to mis step again, so that means there will be a glass ceiling wrt how close a friends we can be and how much we trust. I usually try to turn this into the third kind *because* I absolutely abhor this kind of miscommunication and emotional distance between two people who are fond of each other.
Does it allow you to further feel as though the horse you ride get taller?
Im...not sure what you mean but Im going to presume you are referring to 'sitting on your high horse'.
I'd like to think I don't do that. Or rather, I work very hard to try and be aware of doing that. I don't like that being done to me either so I try not to do that to others. I only get to that point wrt my personal space. I don't stand for others putting expectations or claims on me they have not had permission for. If it is for the greater good, I'll glance over that kind of demand and flex - once. If it becomes a pattern, I have no problem sitting on my high horse till they find a proper way to address me and apologise for expecting me to cater to their needs without even as much as a request or often a thank you afterwards. This is also the only time I actually won't budge without a full blown apology and a clear show of awareness of why I don't appreciate this. This also extends to exploiting people who happen to be a weaker position and taking advantage of that.
Normally though, I dont even need an apology, I just need an explanation as to why you thought like that and where it came from, so I can factor that in with how you work. It might get you classified as someone less compatible with me though and therefore we might ever become bbfs if you will, but that is it. As I said, everyone has a different pov on life and it is just a matter of navigating this in a productive way.
Do you feel good about yourselves when you judge another?
Quite the contrary, I actively feel guilty about it.
Otoh, I do feel righteous anger when it pertains to someone who was actively and knowingly harming others, or myself and who has had plenty of opportunities to realise that what he was doing wasnt exactly productive.
Also, as much as I dont find gossip to be productive, I do recognize that I too sometimes need to vent and can sound incredibly judgemental while doing so. But when i do that, I also try to make sure I keep in mind the traits I like about the person and try to see what I do very much appreciate in them. It is a way of working through the frustration of the situation.
And do you consider yourself tolerant? (Tolerance plays a major role in kindness/harmony/acceptance I believe.)
I strive to be
