Typing your Exes

[five sounds]

I've been thinking about some of my past relationships and personality types. I had two serious relationships before my husband (lots of less important ones, who might be harder for me to type). I'm thinking their types were ESTJ and INTP.

When I think about things that did and didn't work for me with these guys, it's interesting to see how they match up with their personalities.

ESTJ: He was a very good "traditional" boyfriend. Bought me flowers and gifts, took me on dates, etc. He took me to parties, and we had a lot of fun dancing and living it up together. He was also really sensitive and sweet which I liked. What I disliked was his need to be so manly (wanting to get ripped, being overly confident in groups), how much importance he placed on status/image (he's a doctor now, and I feel like he wanted me to be his smart and sexy trophy wife and we'd have the nicest cars and the biggest house, blah blah blah), and we didn't connect on things like art and music and things (I think I needed some N to connect with in retrospect). Now he's with a super hot blonde who I'm sure is very smart. I don't think he'd have it any other way, haha.

INTP: He was a lot "cooler" to me initially. Punk kid who played in a band and wrote songs in his room. We went on lots of adventures together, played like kids, had lots of deep convos, and wrote and played music together. He had the tendency to be a little melancholy and moody, so I liked being able to be there for him through that, and to cheer him up sometimes. What did not work was how jealous and irrationally angry he'd become. He was really suspicious and I didn't get that. I didn't like when he was suspicious of others, but I hated when it involved me. He always said it was just other guys he didn't trust, but he'd accuse me of flirting and get really angry when I talked to other guys. He also didn't want to grow up, and I was ready to stop the party all the time life we were living and start working toward my career. Now he's with a girl who's a little more hardcore (probably doesn't put up with jealousy and will party a little harder than I wanted to).

So, what are some types of your exes? What did and didn't work about their personalities combined with yours? Also, any critiques of my hack-job analyses are always welcomed and appreciated. Just be nice please.

 

[Honor]

I've been thinking about some of my past relationships and personality types. I had two serious relationships before my husband (lots of less important ones, who might be harder for me to type). I'm thinking their types were ESTJ and INTP.

When I think about things that did and didn't work for me with these guys, it's interesting to see how they match up with their personalities.

ESTJ: He was a very good "traditional" boyfriend. Bought me flowers and gifts, took me on dates, etc. He took me to parties, and we had a lot of fun dancing and living it up together. He was also really sensitive and sweet which I liked. What I disliked was his need to be so manly (wanting to get ripped, being overly confident in groups), how much importance he placed on status/image (he's a doctor now, and I feel like he wanted me to be his smart and sexy trophy wife and we'd have the nicest cars and the biggest house, blah blah blah), and we didn't connect on things like art and music and things (I think I needed some N to connect with in retrospect). Now he's with a super hot blonde who I'm sure is very smart. I don't think he'd have it any other way, haha.

INTP: He was a lot "cooler" to me initially. Punk kid who played in a band and wrote songs in his room. We went on lots of adventures together, played like kids, had lots of deep convos, and wrote and played music together. He had the tendency to be a little melancholy and moody, so I liked being able to be there for him through that, and to cheer him up sometimes. What did not work was how jealous and irrationally angry he'd become. He was really suspicious and I didn't get that. I didn't like when he was suspicious of others, but I hated when it involved me. He always said it was just other guys he didn't trust, but he'd accuse me of flirting and get really angry when I talked to other guys. He also didn't want to grow up, and I was ready to stop the party all the time life we were living and start working toward my career. Now he's with a girl who's a little more hardcore (probably doesn't put up with jealousy and will party a little harder than I wanted to).

So, what are some types of your exes? What did and didn't work about their personalities combined with yours? Also, any critiques of my hack-job analyses are always welcomed and appreciated. Just be nice please.

Something I like about you, nicolita, is that you're always posting honest and introspection-inciting threads. Good for you!

PS: Your ESTJ ex sounds just like my brother, haha.

 

[Typh0n]

Theyre all ESFPs. Not sure if thats a good or bad thing.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

INTP: He was a lot "cooler" to me initially. Punk kid who played in a band and wrote songs in his room. We went on lots of adventures together, played like kids, had lots of deep convos, and wrote and played music together. He had the tendency to be a little melancholy and moody, so I liked being able to be there for him through that, and to cheer him up sometimes. What did not work was how jealous and irrationally angry he'd become. He was really suspicious and I didn't get that. I didn't like when he was suspicious of others, but I hated when it involved me. He always said it was just other guys he didn't trust, but he'd accuse me of flirting and get really angry when I talked to other guys. He also didn't want to grow up, and I was ready to stop the party all the time life we were living and start working toward my career. Now he's with a girl who's a little more hardcore (probably doesn't put up with jealousy and will party a little harder than I wanted to).

So, what are some types of your exes? What did and didn't work about their personalities combined with yours? Also, any critiques of my hack-job analyses are always welcomed and appreciated. Just be nice please.

Sounds more like an ISTP, to be honest. What evidence is there for Ne? The punk get-up?

I've dated an INFP and an ESFP. The INFP had some similarities to me, but it turns out she didn't understand me that well at the end of the day. And I never felt like I understood her; she was incredibly opaque despite her intelligence. It became hard to relax around her and open up, because I never knew what was going to set her off, though I tried to understand as best as I could. We were really good at talking out are problems, but I felt like on the rare occasion I brought up something that was important to me, and that I don't like people stepping on me, she didn't show the same care or effort I did. She kind of just forgot about it.

The ESFP... I feel a little "played" by this one. We met at work. Physically she was pretty much exactly what I wanted. I wouldn't say she was dumb, but.... she didn't seem to have time for the useless intellectual matters that are my bread and butter, and in retrospect it almost seems like she only pretended to be interested in nerdy things to get into my pants. I also gave pretty good warnings about what I was really like, and she said "oh that won't be a problem." And for a while, it wasn't. Until it was. I don't get how anyone can lack that much reflection or consideration. She seemed incredibly carefree, and I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells all the time. But it turns out that was kind of an act. She had a lot of issues with the relationship that she wasn't expressing. I could sense something was off, but I could never get her to talk about them. I don't think she thought talking about them would have done any good. I also wonder if she thought she could "help" me somehow, and when it turned out I didn't want that "help", that became too much.

Looking back, I wonder if the INFP, too, thought I was someone I wasn't. (In turn, I might have thought the same.) But the things is, even with you're real with people and tell them truth, if they're attracted, they'll ignore that. They won't listen. I'm not sure that this is a woman thing, or even an NF thing. I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same thing.

I might be open to an INFP again, but ESFPs scare me, because they can do such a good job of tricking me.

 

[HongDou]

From most recent to oldest!

ISFJ 9w8 sx/sp: A few years older than me, he was that all-American kind of guy. Football player, friendly, attractive, he was awesome! On the inside he was like a giant teddy bear which is more or less true on the outside as well because HE WAS SO MUCH FUN TO HUG OMG. It started out with him needing someone to vent his emotions to and me being there for him. It eventually evolved into flirting, random hook ups, me venting to him as well, talking about the big things in life, etc. It was basically a relationship without the label of one so I still consider it a relationship and it only ended because I moved across the country to go to school in New York. He's an amazing friend though and I still text him a lot. I miss this relationship the most. While the other two were serious relationships as well, this one was probably the most committed and fulfilling.

ESFJ 6w7 so/sx: The way I'd describe this relationship is "fun" lol. He was a lot of fun. He would love to watch scary movies with me because he'd like to cuddle with me if I got scared. He was also kind of a show off as well but in an endearing way - he would sing for me, bring me to his soccer games, etc. He was also really fun to flirt with but we didn't really do a lot beyond that. But I enjoyed when he spoke in German or Spanish a lot. I eventually broke it off because I was bored of the relationship. It was happy, but it was too light. There was a lack of emotional intensity and I didn't like it.

ENFJ 2w3 sp/so: I'd prefer not to get into this one. He was a liar and that's that.

In conclusion: come at me FJs.

 

[Comeback Girl]

ISFJ: I don't know how I managed to survive five years with this one. He was quite sweet, but we didn't spend much time together because his friends didn't like me, he wasn't the most romantic person in the world and unlike me, he didn't want to have sex. It ended when we were 17 and he moved away, which left me heartbroken for a year. Looking back I don't really know what I saw in him, he was pretty boring.

INTP: We had a five year age gap and when people ask what went wrong I usually say he was to old for me, but really? Sure, he was really nice and he helped me overcome lots of my fears and insecurities when I was younger, which I'm really thankful for. But he had this great love for deep and serious conversations, which I didn't have, and he wasn't the most sensual person in the world. He was an okay kisser, but nothing else. We wasn't really good at cuddling or stroking or anything. If I had to describe what the sex was like, it was just him poking away. A lot of times he wanted to do it in the car ('that's adventurous!'), but I found it really uncomfortable. Somehow he thought I liked reading books too... I didn't mind in the beginning, but once the endorphins faded, I realized we just didn't have enough in common. We're still friends, though, and he has a new girlfriend who I think is an ESFJ (or an ESFP, but I can't imagine we're the same type).

ENFP: I don't think this one lasted enough to actually call him an ex, but let's rate him anyway. Really fun, dorky in a cute way, a little pervy from time to time (which I liked), extremely polite, a little bit shy. Can't say a lot more about him, just that I left him because I was actually attracted to someone else at that point.

 

[Lady_X]

significant ones-

infp bf- super sweet sensitive guy, we had picnics and super deep long talks and were extra goofy and sweet with each other.

esxp bf- probably estp but was so damn feely towards me and dramatic and obsessive...so idk- we got along well...mostly...but i have no idea now why i was ever with this guy- worst period of my life ever.

infj gf- super sweet and cool lots of great talks...about any and everything.

istj husband- we actually got along really really well as friends...had issues with his negativity and controlling nature but when we weren't trying to be a "team" we were great...in a living completely separate lives together and don't try and tell me what to do ever and well be fine sort of way....but socially...we had so much fun together. he was super sweet when he wanted to be...but such an ass also...like to the core.

enfp bf- one of my favorite people ive met seriously...he was my best friend. i knew without question how much this guy cared for me...i loved the way he saw me...and i liked who i was with him. i was always proud to be with him and loved how great he was with everyone i introduced him to. he was silly but so thoughtful and intelligent....just truly a beautiful person

infp- current bf- such a deeply romantic...beautiful us against the world bond with him. we both feel deeply protective of each other and admire each others different qualities. he's shy with other people but so funny and out there with me...always trying to make me laugh and has such a funny way of seeing the world. love that we can talk about anything...and love how open minded he is...in every way...he's deeply compassionate and loving and we never get bored of each other.

however we do have some issues mostly related to my being sx and him being sp i believe but we're figuring it out.

 

[highlander]

I had a relationship with and ISFP in college which lasted several years. I've read that ISFPs have "a deep capacity for love" and I'd say this was pretty much true. She was a wonderful person and we were very close. There were a few things that I recall as challenges. The first is that my tendency to confront things and general lack of tact at that age led to many situations where I would inadvertently trounce on her feelings. She was quiet but a pretty emotional person there was an intensity in the relationship which for the most part was good but had its downsides at times. The bigger challenge was in verbal communication. I think she had a hard time expressing herself. Imagine Ethan Hawke in Before Sunrise or Before Sunset and how they interacted with each other - except in my case, the girl wouldn't talk about anything or have a view on things. That's what it was like. I also didn't like having to decide everything all the time. I'm pretty sure she was a phobic Enneagram 6 - fear, security those seemed to be a theme. As an example, she was always afraid of what other people might think about this or that. I was like who cares what they'll think. That's what I recall as the issues. There were a lot of very good things though.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

infp- current bf- such a deeply romantic...beautiful us against the world bond with him. we both feel deeply protective of each other and admire each others different qualities. he's shy with other people but so funny and out there with me...always trying to make me laugh and has such a funny way of seeing the world. love that we can talk about anything...and love how open minded he is...

This is sort of what I'm looking for, but in a more NTP way. Anyway, I'm happy you found this, and it's good to know that it's possible.

 

[Betty Blue]

esxp bf- probably estp but was so damn feely towards me and dramatic and obsessive...so idk- we got along well...mostly...but i have no idea now why i was ever with this guy- worst period of my life ever.


istj husband- we actually got along really really well as friends...had issues with his negativity and controlling nature but when we weren't trying to be a "team" we were great...in a living completely separate lives together and don't try and tell me what to do ever and well be fine sort of way....but socially...we had so much fun together. he was super sweet when he wanted to be...but such an ass also...like to the core.

Wow, well those are pretty spot on for my past relationships for those types too. Couple of details are different but the style and difficulties are scarily similar. The ESTP though, biggest con artist i ever met, made me feel like the most important, amazing person in the world...when he felt like it, the rest of the time (the majority of it) i felt awful...rollercoaster collision course.

 

[WALMART]

ESTJ fuck buddy (off and on between all of my relationships, since I was young)

INTP girlfriend.

INFP girlfriend.

ISFJ girlfriend.

INFJ/ENFP? (most recent) girlfriend.

I don't know who I've felt the most compatible with, or personally satisfied. They all have their little nuances I can reflect on and enjoy. Can I have them all?

 

[Lady_X]

Wow, well those are pretty spot on for my past relationships for those types too. Couple of details are different but the style and difficulties are scarily similar. The ESTP though, biggest con artist i ever met, made me feel like the most important, amazing person in the world...when he felt like it, the rest of the time (the majority of it) i felt awful...rollercoaster collision course.

Oh yeah no that's accurate for me too. I actually moved to get away from him and he came and got me. He was insane.

 

[five sounds]

Something I like about you, nicolita, is that you're always posting honest and introspection-inciting threads. Good for you!

PS: Your ESTJ ex sounds just like my brother, haha.

Thanks, Honor. You always reply with such genuine and thoughtful responses.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

INTP: We had a five year age gap and when people ask what went wrong I usually say he was to old for me, but really? Sure, he was really nice and he helped me overcome lots of my fears and insecurities when I was younger, which I'm really thankful for. But he had this great love for deep and serious conversations, which I didn't have, and he wasn't the most sensual person in the world. He was an okay kisser, but nothing else. We wasn't really good at cuddling or stroking or anything. If I had to describe what the sex was like, it was just him poking away. A lot of times he wanted to do it in the car ('that's adventurous!'), but I found it really uncomfortable. Somehow he thought I liked reading books too... I didn't mind in the beginning, but once the endorphins faded, I realized we just didn't have enough in common. We're still friends, though, and he has a new girlfriend who I think is an ESFJ (or an ESFP, but I can't imagine we're the same type).

I get the feeling this is a lot like what happened with my ESFP. TBH, for a minute I was afraid she found this place somehow, and then I realized too many details didn't match up.

Honestly, it's good to read the other side of it.

And to be fair, I think I also assumed she was into books, even though I remembered her telling me she wasn't, now that I think of it. It cuts both ways, I suppose. Anyway, as angry and annoyed as I am with her, I still don't think my ex is a bad person (or the INFP, for that matter), but I do think we are fundamentally incompatible. The ESFP philosophy of life is too different from the INTP take, and the communication styles are too different also.

 

[five sounds]

Sounds more like an ISTP, to be honest. What evidence is there for Ne? The punk get-up?

Well he was definitely a theory guy. He liked talking about concepts and we enjoyed talking about different philosophies and themes in art and stuff. I don't know if that means he was definitely Ne, but that was what I was thinking about when I typed him that way. He liked those kinds of discussions, but a lot of times had ideas that I thought were unsound or improbable. I'd put my counterpoint forward in a kind way, and he would get offended pretty easily. I don't know if he was trying to think in a way that didn't come naturally to him and becoming defensive when questioned or not.

I did read ISTP, and felt there were some similarities there as well. There was a brief section for each on their style as lovers, and honestly he fit the ISTP description more. It's hard because I feel like he was young and living a very in the moment life the whole time I was with him. Maybe he's different now.

I'm trying to work on typing people, so I really appreciate you asking this question. Any big questions you think I should ask myself to really decide between the two? Or does one seem clear?

 

[five sounds]

Also, side note: both of these men were wonderful people with a great capacity for love, intimacy, and conversation. Both are hilariously funny and genuinely good. I feel like my observations on this thread might not have conveyed that message, and it's not intentional. I'm just trying to look at personality objectively in order to get a better read. I don't want it to sound like I'm slamming anyone!

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

Well he was definitely a theory guy. He liked talking about concepts and we enjoyed talking about different philosophies and themes in art and stuff. I don't know if that means he was definitely Ne, but that was what I was thinking about when I typed him that way. He liked those kinds of discussions, but a lot of times had ideas that I thought were unsound or improbable. I'd put my counterpoint forward in a kind way, and he would get offended pretty easily. I don't know if he was trying to think in a way that didn't come naturally to him and becoming defensive when questioned or not.

I did read ISTP, and felt there were some similarities there as well. There was a brief section for each on their style as lovers, and honestly he fit the ISTP description more. It's hard because I feel like he was young and living a very in the moment life the whole time I was with him. Maybe he's different now.

I'm trying to work on typing people, so I really appreciate you asking this question. Any big questions you think I should ask myself to really decide between the two? Or does one seem clear?

Did he seem absent-minded? Was he pointing out a lot of random observations about things in the distance? Or was he "focused"? I think Se appears more focused and less dreamy than Ne. I think if a Se user is talking to you, he'll probably be more likely to keep his attention more focused on you. The INTP might notice some random thing going on in the background and comment on it.

Se is "local", which probably helps a lot with music. Ne is "global" and a little ADHD (i'm actually diagnosed). INTP musicians exist, but are much rarer than ISTP musicians.

 

[Stansmith]

Well he was definitely a theory guy. He liked talking about concepts and we enjoyed talking about different philosophies and themes in art and stuff. I don't know if that means he was definitely Ne, but that was what I was thinking about when I typed him that way. He liked those kinds of discussions, but a lot of times had ideas that I thought were unsound or improbable. I'd put my counterpoint forward in a kind way, and he would get offended pretty easily. I don't know if he was trying to think in a way that didn't come naturally to him and becoming defensive when questioned or not.

I did read ISTP, and felt there were some similarities there as well. There was a brief section for each on their style as lovers, and honestly he fit the ISTP description more. It's hard because I feel like he was young and living a very in the moment life the whole time I was with him. Maybe he's different now.

I'm trying to work on typing people, so I really appreciate you asking this question. Any big questions you think I should ask myself to really decide between the two? Or does one seem clear?

Sounds like tertiary Ni, so ISTP is probably right. I get the vibe that he uses intuition alot, but it isn't his forte.

 

[five sounds]

He was definitely more focused than me. That's a cool way to think about it, because we actually worked together that way. He could stay focused on an idea or theme, and I took that and made all of those big-picture, ADD observations to fill it out or take it in different directions. Or he'd have a really nice chord progression or musical line, and I'd suggest some little tweak I "heard" to make it less predictable. The inferior Ni theory makes sense, too.

 

[greenfairy]

Most of my relationships weren't technically romantic, but I'm going to describe them anyway, because I think they are no less important or valid.

First guy: ENFP, although I'm not sure about this.
No chemistry, very awkward all around, bad communication. He wanted to be more emotionally involved and committed than I did, and was not as interested in sex. We would mostly drive around listening to music, play pool in bars, watch scary movies at night (even though I didn't really want to), and he would tell ghost stories (which was entertaining). He was a kind of boring person. I wanted someone who shared my interests and activities.

...a few hookups with guys whose types I don't know...

ENTJ ex boyfriend
Really great all around. We were both very honest people, both with ourselves and others, and appreciated that in each other. He said he liked my rationality, common sense, and lack of drama. I liked that he was motivated and not afraid of risk taking. He helped me be more confident in Te areas. We had a lot of shared interests; we did all sorts of outdoor activities together, and would discuss our opinions on life. Good mental connection, good physical connection, good cooperation, good communication. We had an open relationship for about 8 months, with no major issues. We're still friends. We had to end it because he moved for a better job, and we knew it wouldn't last forever because he doesn't want kids. We didn't actually have any problems to speak of.

couple with whom I am friends with benefits: ESTJ girl and ISTP guy
We have a lot of shared interests and a good intellectual rapport. We haven't had any major issues either. I have been helpful to them in being a little more open with each other, and facilitating communication. They always make me feel good about myself, and help me in little ways related to Sp. She has helped me with etiquette and protocol and such. As with the ENTJ, I appreciate that they are not easily offended and will be honest with me and give me constructive criticism when I ask for it.

ISFP friend with benefits (now just a friend)
He is a quite stereotypical ISFP. He's not as intellectual as I am, but we have good conversation anyway. He's fun and spontaneous. We're great as friends, but wouldn't really work romantically. We're both artists and like nature. He's way more emotional and moody than I am, and he can be passive aggressive; but I think it's endearing, and it doesn't bother me because I always know what's going on with him for some reason. His inner world doesn't make any sort of logical sense, but it has its own rules which are pretty simple. He accused me a few times of being unemotional. We ended the sexual involvement when he got emotionally attached and I started becoming attached to the INTJ.

INTJ ex lover
Some perfect things and some terrible things. We had a fantastic intellectual and sexual connection, and we are both pagan so have a similar outlook and understanding of the universe, and connection to nature. We had a lot of shared interests. I liked that he was hard-working and responsible. We had bad communication though, and he wasn't as spontaneous as I am. I thought he was too serious and uptight, and sometimes he came across as bossy. I also thought he was arrogant and generally annoying, and didn't like the fact that he would try to pick apart my thoughts without explaining himself. I think he thought I lacked confidence and was indecisive. I suspect he's a manipulative lying bastard, but I have no direct proof- just strong evidence.

ISFP current uncategorized lover
He's a lot like the other ISFP, but not as overtly Fi, and probably stronger Ni. When I'm with each of them I really feel like I can live in the moment. He's fun, entertaining, and open to spontaneous adventures. Great physical connection as well. We'll see what happens.

Edit: I think all the people I have listed could be described as affectionate and cuddly, and I like that.