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Dealing with being alone a lot

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
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This has been a huge issue in my life during the past few years. Before then, I lived at home with my parents and 2 sisters, went to school every day with my friends, and had a very active social life.

Now, I live alone with my INTJ husband (he's great, but not the same as being surrounded by friends and family all the time) and we both work full time. At work, I'm by myself all day, pulling kids out of class to work with them for 30 minutes at a time trying to cram as much speech therapy into that time as possible (usually fighting with schedules, against the clock, and often dealing with behavior issues). I do love being with kids, but I just don't feel like it's any substitute for the socialization I need. Before, I worked as a waitress where I was constantly chatting with co-workers and customers. That was much better for me. Now, I have my own room, and often go for days at a time without really interacting with another adult at work. Or when I do, I'm running a meeting with a strict agenda or talking about special ed. law and procedures (NOT FUN!). So I come home from work, make dinner, eat it with my husband who's trying to decompress after work (that looks a lot less like active conversation for him than it does for me). I try to make plans with friends, but we're all adults with busy lives so it just doesn't happen very often.

Anyone else have a hard time adjusting to the isolation of adult life? I just feel like all that alone time really takes a toll on me. I become kind of shut down, and seriously lack motivation. This kills me because I feel like my natural state is enthusiastic, motivated, and engaged.
 

Honor

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Oh my gosh, yes. This issue hits a nerve with me. After graduating from college and moving into an apartment by myself in a city where I didn't know anyone, I nearly went insane. I had very high levels of interaction with people every day before then. If anything, I had to get away from campus at least once a week to have five minutes to myself.

It's not just having people around, though. It's having someone around who you can connect with. I can completely see how the type and amount of interaction you get at work isn't energizing you.
 

five sounds

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Are there any groups you can get involved with?

Going to yoga class regularly has been my way of seeing people and kind of re-centering after a long day. It's awesome, and I feel definite benefits, but it's really not that social of an experience. The idea of adding another commitment kind of freaks me out, but I could probably do something 1 or 2 days a week. Maybe I can look into community classes like pottery or something. That sounds like lots of fun!
 

Thursday

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You are not alone in feeling alone. Although I've always been swarmed by people who love me at work or seek out my guidance, at the end of the day I'm wont for peers and people who want to get to know me past what they can reap from me.

Its like when I go home I unplug from the matrix and I'm alone in my head. When I do attempt to connect, the other people are either too dull or not learned enough to go to the depths that I want to. I have associates and one "best" friend, but no one I can call equal. When I look back, I've always been alone in this regard. And it just so happens that even my mother and father look to me as a heirophant. So I'm at the top of the food chain with no one to challenge/nourish me but me.
 

baccheion

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Going to yoga class regularly has been my way of seeing people and kind of re-centering after a long day. It's awesome, and I feel definite benefits, but it's really not that social of an experience. The idea of adding another commitment kind of freaks me out, but I could probably do something 1 or 2 days a week. Maybe I can look into community classes like pottery or something. That sounds like lots of fun!

No, I mean groups where you go out and do things, or mingle and talk to each other.
 

five sounds

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No, I mean groups where you go out and do things, or mingle and talk to each other.

Hm, I guess I'm not sure what you have in mind then. Any way you could name some examples or something? I like the sound of that.
 

Honor

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You are not alone in feeling alone. Although I've always been swarmed by people who love me at work or seek out my guidance, at the end of the day I'm wont for peers and people who want to get to know me past what they can reap from me.

Its like when I go home I unplug from the matrix and I'm alone in my head. When I do attempt to connect, the other people are either too dull or not learned enough to go to the depths that I want to. I have associates and one "best" friend, but no one I can call equal. When I look back, I've always been alone in this regard. And it just so happens that even my mother and father look to me as a heirophant. So I'm at the top of the food chain with no one to challenge/nourish me but me.

Yup. This resonates with me. It's my issue with my current group of "friends." They are only friends in the most shallow of senses, and they are not very nice people. I also need a lot lf intellectual stimulation, and they are anti-intellectual. I think I've outgrown them.
 

Thursday

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Yup. This resonates with me. It's my issue with my current group of "friends." They are only friends in the most shallow of senses, and they are not very nice people. I also need a lot lf intellectual stimulation, and they are anti-intellectual. I think I've outgrown them.

Ditto. It would seem that I get along best with people who are 40 years old and above.
 

Honor

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Yup. Before I went to college, I was so starved for interaction with people who were as analytical and intense as I am. I really only ever had meaningful relationships with adults. At college, I found people who were mind mates and soul mates but now it seems like I need to find another source of such friends!
 

five sounds

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Yup. This resonates with me. It's my issue with my current group of "friends." They are only friends in the most shallow of senses, and they are not very nice people. I also need a lot lf intellectual stimulation, and they are anti-intellectual. I think I've outgrown them.

Omg, I've definitely outgrown groups of friends in my life. Lots of my high school and undergrad friends I had to slowly back away from. I broke up with the guy I was dating in college and went off on my own for a while. Got really involved with my spiritual life, learned guitar, locked myself in my room studying linguistics instead of partying, and joined lots of discussion groups at the campus coffee house. It was a great time in my life, and even though it was so hard to break away from friends, I knew I needed it. Now I have lots of new friends from grad school, friends through my husband and family, and some old elementary school friends who have been around forever.
 

Lady_X

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oh wow yeah definitely. i actually have a meetup tab open since last night. i am bored.

i work independently...no coworkers or anything...and i love not having to answer to anyone or be micromanaged or anything but i miss having co workers.

i have lived here for long enough that i should have friends...but i totally don't. i mean...my bf has some people and i hang out with them but yeah i need to do something about it. i feel like our spark begins to fade without that social interaction...i begin to lose myself.
 

five sounds

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oh wow yeah definitely. i actually have a meetup tab open since last night. i am bored.

i work independently...no coworkers or anything...and i love not having to answer to anyone or be micromanaged or anything but i miss having co workers.

i have lived here for long enough that i should have friends...but i totally don't. i mean...my bf has some people and i hang out with them but yeah i need to do something about it. i feel like our spark begins to fade without that social interaction...i begin to lose myself.

Which is why we need to get that ENFP group therapy convention going. I have a feeling most of us could really use it :)
 

miss fortune

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I actually found it to be a relief to quit a job that involved a lot of socialization and move on to one that does not... I also tend to stay at home or pursue something solitary on my days off as opposed to socializing. We both work a lot of hours and there will be weeks where he puts in 70+ hours so I go home to just the animals. I also don't have a social group anymore. Somehow this doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore... I've come to love spending time alone and in silence as well :laugh:

The man feels more of a need to interact with others and will go out with his friends to a bar to watch a game or such. He knows that I'm just not that into it and he's fine with the fact that I want to stay home and I'm fine with him going. :)

So no, I don't have to deal with being alone... it's like finally getting a bit of peace...
 

Lady_X

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Which is why we need to get that ENFP group therapy convention going. I have a feeling most of us could really use it :)

yeah right? it sounds fun...i want to sit with a bunch of enfps and drink some nice red wine and just chat about all of our inner workings till the sun comes up.
 

five sounds

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yeah right? it sounds fun...i want to sit with a bunch of enfps and drink some nice red wine and just chat about all of our inner workings till the sun comes up.

F yeah!
 

kelric

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You are not alone in feeling alone. Although I've always been swarmed by people who love me at work or seek out my guidance, at the end of the day I'm wont for peers and people who want to get to know me past what they can reap from me.

I definitely have issues along these lines too -- especially with what Thursday mentioned. When the majority of your "socialization" time is work related, and based around people trying to extract knowledge/work/"fix my problems" from you, it's a real drain. Even worse, it tends to wear you (at least me) down so much that when you get home you're too exhausted to really want to pursue more healthy social activities.

I'm not sure how to get around this... in my own life, I'm sort of in a weird limbo mode. Fifteen years ago, I had a large group of friends that I saw, reliably, several times a week. People who I knew cared about me as a person, who I could relax around and enjoy being with. I can't say that I took it for granted - I knew how great it was, but these days I don't have that at all. Most of those friends have moved out of town, have had children and are involved with family activities, or both. I'm lucky (and I know, given our geographic displacement, I *am* lucky) to see them once a year - even my friends who are still in town I only see a few times a year.

It's hard. And yeah, I know... first world problems. But it is a problem. I think that I was much happier, and probably socially healthier fifteen years ago, even if I was complacent. These days, I get up, go to work, come home and watch some netflix, repeat. The one thing that I've started doing over the last year or so is taking fitness classes 3x a week at a gym. I almost can't decide whether the physical activity or simply seeing people outside of work (a small number of whom I consider casual "gym-friends") on a regular basis is better for me. Probably both.

It's not optimal, but it's something. I almost think that it gets better as you get out of middle age -- once your contemporaries (perhaps including yourself) have kids who are old enough to take care of themselves reliably, at least for an evening out, etc. -- it gets better, or at least possible, to reconnect.
 

Galena

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True for me: no matter how much socializing you're doing, if you don't have anyone you can mentally mesh with among your network, then you're still going to feel as alone as you did to begin with.
 
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