• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Do you ever find INFJ's to be a bit cold at first?

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I know I can come across as cold. Most of the time it's intentional. When meeting new people or in new social situations I can be willfully distant . I normally just sit listen to everyone else talk. I really don't want to be bothered. I'm content just watching. I won't speak unless I have something meaningful to say. I really don't enjoy getting to know people unless I have already established through observation that they are worth getting to know. People always tell me how they didn't think I was as nice as I am until they got to know me. No one ever thinks I'm unapproachable or outright mean but just generally reserved. If I have already established that this person is worth getting to know I can be inviting. I guess i'd break it down like this.

  • With strangers I don't wan't to get to know I'm very distant. I'm nice enough not to make them feel uncomfortable but distant enough for them to know not to talk to me.
  • With strangers I haven't made my mind up about I'm quiet and observant. I'm careful not to make them feel uncomfortable but I don't let them get too close.
  • With stranger that I want to get to know I'll probe them to see if we can work our way up to friendship. I still keep them at a distance but I make more of an effort to be inviting.


Is this normal INFJ behavior ? If so,wouldn't it make INFJ's appear rather cold compared to other NF's. I'm having trouble sorting this out. All of the descriptions I've read about INFJ's gush over how warm and empathetic they are. I know i'm not always that way and intentionally so. I know I have a great depth of emotion and feeling but I'm not comfortable projecting that to strangers. I put up a hard shell and when I start to get too emotional I will withdrawal. It's not that i'm uncomfortable with my emotions or emotion in general. I'm just not comfortable flaunting them in front of strangers like some kind of emotional peacock. For me to reveal that to you I have to know you pretty well. I'm more of an emotional turtle in that respect. Not overly flamboyant, kinda distant, coming out to engage if i'm comfortable but always ready to retreat at a moments notice. That sounds INFJ-ish to me but It's not the warmest first impression.
 
Last edited:

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
...Don't you think you're enneagram has a bit to do with it?

I have yet to entertain the significance of my enneagram in the matter...feel free to give your initial thoughts on it. I'd actually really appreciate it if you did .
 

thoughtlost

Honeyed Water
Joined
May 20, 2013
Messages
745
Enneagram
N/A
I have yet to entertain the significance of my enneagram in the matter...feel free to give your initial thoughts on it. I'd actually really appreciate it if you did .

*in my sports commentator voice* ...WELL ALRIGHTY THEN!
I'll tell you my thoughts, seeing that I do consider myself to be an NF of some kind =/

Anyway, you identify partially with E5 it seems. It's not to say that they can't be friendly, but I tend to get the feeling that they intellectualize a lot of things, including interacting with others (this is just my opinion so if it's wrong... then ...*meep* sorry). If they don't really see a point in talking to a person then why should then even pretend to be interested. They can still be polite, though.

I doubt that being an INFJ really dictates how you treat people. I see it more as a enneagram/other theory thing.

....um, I don't know all that much about enneagram 5 to be honest, but from the little I've seen that is what I've come to understand.

edit:: Why do you think that being cold is something an INFJ wouldn't do? What is your "definition" of an Ni-dom who may also use Fe?
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
*in my sports commentator voice* ...WELL ALRIGHTY THEN!

If they don't really see a point in talking to a person then why should then even pretend to be interested. They can still be polite, though.

I know for a fact I am guilty of that. I don't know much about enneagram either. I've done some surface level reading about it. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate 4w5 vs 5w4. Correct me if i'm wrong but I do believe that INFJ's have a tendency to be 4w5 over the latter. Hummm:rly???: whelp this is an exciting development ....never really paid much attention to ennagram but i'm beginning to see the use for it.

p.s I couldn't help but to read this in the standard announcer voice so thanks for that :rotfl:
 

thoughtlost

Honeyed Water
Joined
May 20, 2013
Messages
745
Enneagram
N/A
I know for a fact I am guilty of that. I don't know much about enneagram either. I've done some surface level reading about it. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate 4w5 vs 5w4. Correct me if i'm wrong but I do believe that INFJ's have a tendency to be 4w5 over the latter. Hummm:rly???: whelp this is an exciting development ....never really paid much attention to ennagram but i'm beginning to see the use for it.

p.s I couldn't help but to read this in the standard announcer voice so thanks for that :rotfl:

Actually, I am trying to spend a bit more time with enneagram because thee ideas are a bit more concrete. It can be (not all of the time) really obvious to tell the difference between people of different enneagram types in comparison MBTI. The only thing I am 100% certain on is the difference between T and F (...or at least I hope I am 100% certain about that ...never mind -_-").

....Thanks. I tend to do silly things when I talk (even in real life). ...I think it's because I have an empty void in my heart that I fill up with immaturity...
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I come off as cold a fair amount of the time unless I'm very comfortable or consciously working it. I've learned that being chattery and spacey is much more advantageous in most situations than being reserved and aloof so I usually flip between the two depending on my mood and the situation.
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
]

....Thanks. I tend to do silly things when I talk (even in real life). ...I think it's because I have an empty void in my heart that I fill up with immaturity...

I don't know if I should laugh or give you a hug.Your sense of humor is kind of twisted and dark....I like it. If you don't mind me asking what ennagram do you identify with. I know you said your new to it so if your not sure what do you suppose you are?
 

thoughtlost

Honeyed Water
Joined
May 20, 2013
Messages
745
Enneagram
N/A
I don't know if I should laugh or give you a hug.Your sense of humor is kind of twisted and dark....I like it. If you don't mind me asking what ennagram do you identify with. I know you said your new to it so if your not sure what do you suppose you are?

uumm... you don't... have to do... anything. Sometimes being twisted helps me out. For example, I am about to ride on a plane in a few days and enjoy a different city for two months. Instead of being happy about it, I'll just imagine that there's a possibility that I could die on the way there or that I'll feel uncomfortable (cough*hate everyone*cough) with the new people I meet. I find that it helps me manage happy emotions and prevents me from being disappointed.

Um, I don't really know what enneagram I am ...If you can see my blog, then that might give you a better idea of who I am.
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I come off as cold a fair amount of the time unless I'm very comfortable or consciously working it. I've learned that being chattery and spacey is much more advantageous in most situations than being reserved and aloof so I usually flip between the two depending on my mood and the situation.

Good to know. I've just always thought of Fe as this warm fuzzy external aura. Perhaps Ni accounts for the lack of warmth? Idk I just always expected Fe aux to be more outwardly inviting you know? Being introverted in general would probably dilute the warmth a bit. Then having Ni as a dom function giving you the tendency to want to observe and Ti needing to withdraw to function...... :greatscott: Infj's probably aren't all that openly warm at all. I must have just been disillusioned bout the whole Fe aux thing making INFJ's warm an fuzzy. I think they are probably the least warm of all the NF's... Thought's?
 
R

RDF

Guest
I know I can come across as cold. Most of the time it's intentional. [...]

Fe and Te are Judging functions. Judging functions are about organizing things. Thus, Te is about organizing things using logic and structure and management. Fe is about organizing people using teamwork and emotions and personal boundaries.

Fe is very good at setting personal boundaries. It would make sense to set personal boundaries higher when first meeting people and then lowering the boundaries over time. Also, INFJs have Auxiliary Fe, which is weaker than Dominant Fe. So it would make sense that INFJs would set higher boundaries than an Fe-Dom, i.e., as a precaution.

In fact, I’ve noticed in real life that INFJs tend to set pretty high personal boundaries. They don’t have the warm, hospitable Fe like some Fe-Doms. Instead they tend to be good bosses and administrators: Inspiring loyalty in subordinates but at the same time keeping an appropriate distance between themselves and subordinates/clients/patients/etc. In other words, no inappropriate fraternizing and that sort of thing...
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Fe is very good at setting personal boundaries.... INFJs have Auxiliary Fe, which is weaker than Dominant Fe. So it would make sense that INFJs would set higher boundaries than an Fe-Dom, i.e., as a precaution. In fact, I’ve noticed in real life that INFJs tend to set pretty high personal boundaries. They don’t have the warm, hospitable Fe like some Fe-Doms.

Makes sense and sounds about right. Now I have another question. How warm would you say you are upon first meeting someone. Being a feeling dom in general do you think you'd be warmer than an infj?
 
R

RDF

Guest
Makes sense and sounds about right. Now I have another question. How warm would you say you are upon first meeting someone. Being a feeling dom in general do you think you'd be warmer than an infj?

Lol. It's apples and oranges. Here's what I mean:

My dominant function is Introverted F. That means that my Fi tends to operate *internally*. This means that *externally* I can be as blank and cold as any INTP, especially if I don't get a favorable first impression of the other person. At the same time, I'm a perceiver with regard to my external function (Ne-Aux), which means I suck at organizing and at arranging my *external* personal boundaries. So if I take a quick liking to someone, I can be extremely outgoing and personable with them, to the point of inappropriate fraternization.

INFPs are known as being mercurial and changeable depending on their internal whims. Poor external boundaries and an internalized F function are the reasons.

As for me personally, I'm an older, more mature INFP. So I do the adult thing and try to be outgoing on a predictable, stable basis. But with younger INFPs, it can really go either way.

Again, comparing INFJs (Ni-Dom) and INFPs (Fi-Dom) tends to be apples and oranges, because their Doms are different and their orientations toward the world are different (Judger vs. Perceiver).
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
[MENTION=204]FineLine[/MENTION] Well thats disappointing lol. I just always kinda thought that F doms even Fi would still have an air of some type of feeling. Like you said Fi is a horse of a different color so I suppose that's not the case.
 
R

RDF

Guest
[MENTION=204]FineLine[/MENTION] Well thats disappointing lol. I just always kinda thought that F doms even Fi would still have an air of some type of feeling. Like you said Fi is a horse of a different color so I suppose that's not the case.

I think young INFPs are typically described as "aloof" in social situations, especially with strangers. There's a typical Feeler "softness" about INFPs, but it doesn't necessarily translate into "warmth."

It can be frustrating for us INFPs as well; most INFPs would prefer to be able to connect with others a little better. :)
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I'm definitely reserved when it comes to strangers -- However, with people who I need a good working relationship, like new colleagues, I do try to be (sometimes overly) friendly and make them feel welcomed.

My problem tends to be that I have a nice sweet facade that I use to interact with people, even ones I don't particularly care about, while on the inside I can be quite indifferent, but then they think I am their best friend, and I go "Oh, no!" and start to withdraw, and then feel bad about it.

I really like people, in general. I just don't like dealing with them.
 
S

Society

Guest
i've known INFJs to have quite a poker face when they collect themselves from hurt into anger, like a complete and utter disconnect from the outside... i am not sure if that's the coldness your speaking of.
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I'm definitely reserved when it comes to strangers -- However, with people who I need a good working relationship, like new colleagues, I do try to be (sometimes overly) friendly and make them feel welcomed.

My problem tends to be that I have a nice sweet facade that I use to interact with people, even ones I don't particularly care about, while on the inside I can be quite indifferent, but then they think I am their best friend, and I go "Oh, no!" and start to withdraw, and then feel bad about it.

I really like people, in general. I just don't like dealing with them.

This^

I really hate when that happens. They start inviting me places....I start making excuses. They add me on facebook ...I pretend I didn't get their request lol
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
i've known INFJs to have quite a poker face when they collect themselves from hurt into anger, like a complete and utter disconnect from the outside... i am not sure if that's the coldness your speaking of.

No, I was referring to first impressions in general. The initial vibe they give off to strangers. However, what your talking about sound interesting. Feel free to continue that line of thought.
 

Idealatious

New member
Joined
Sep 17, 2011
Messages
116
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
91?
I think I usually come off as distant. People tell me such personal things that I would never, ever tell a stranger! I view sharing emotions or deeper, personal things as something that should only be undertaken with very close friends, or in magical intimate situations. :D I don't know if I come off as cold, though. Maybe such distant. Hard for me to tell though.

Every so often, if I come across someone shyer than myself, I get protective of them and try to entertain them, which probably makes me seem more extraverted. I admit I like being just a little higher in position than a newcomer or in some position where they are more socially tentative than I am, because it is fun to entertain those kinds of people, ask them questions, and try to get to know them.
 
Top