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Opposite type parents

meshou

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
238
MBTI Type
INXP
Having talked to people, (especially INTPs) with opposite type parents, it seems not to work well.

As far as I can tell, introverted kids, and especially introverted feely kids seem to have it the worst with opposite type parents. Although, I do think that NF parents would do better with opposite type kids than other types.

The two or three INTPs and INFPs I've talked to with an opposite sexed parent with an opposite type really seem lost when it comes to relationships. Basically, being punished for who they are all their childhoods, and in a way the kid'd percieve as extremely harsh, seems to leave some nasty scars.

The INFPs' usual problems with competence seem to be magnified, and the INTPs' usual difficulty establishing relationships is likewise magnified. It's like the parents constant demands for the child to use their inferior functions demonizes that function in the person's mind.

On the other hand, while type is genetic, there's no garauntee any kid any of us'd have wouldn't be the opposite type, and wouldn't respond (or be nurtured by) our natural styles of parenting.

Any thoughts? Agree/ disagree? How would you deal with an opposite-type kid?
 

girlnamedbless

New member
Joined
May 19, 2007
Messages
186
MBTI Type
ESFJ
My mom is ISFJ, and we are really close. The only thing we disagree about sometimes is she thinks I'm never really at home and wants me to spend more time with the family. Just some normal E vs I tension. :p
My dad is an ISTP. We don't really get along. I can't remember the last time I had a nice conversation with him. The only letter we share is the S, so we're pretty different. I find it hard to get close to him, and when I try, he usually always say something negative about my accomplishments. A lot of the times I wish I could see things his way, or vice versa.
I really wish I had at least one parent that was E, a lot of the times they don't understand why I like being out so much.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
My one son is an ESFP. Not a total opposite... but enough.

It was so hard to figure out how to handle him. It's funny -- we do have one thing in common, the P factor -- and that is major connection there. He has Se and I have Ne, and we both have strong artistic skills, so that is the major thing we can connect on.

Otherwise, it really took a long time for me to come around to him. He frustrated me so much... and if he was a friend or someone else's child, I would have been fine with him, but simply having to "manage" him is the real killer.

I so much want to do the logical thing in the situation -- the most long-term efficient, most prudent thing -- and he always wants to take the short-term gratification route, no matter how it hurts him in the long run or other people in the process.

He is also very extroverted and I am so introverted... Some nights, I have had to plug up my ears or leave the room because I just could not handle the constant noise and activity (he's ten and chatters loudly through dinner, over top everyone, no matter how we "train" him, he'll start singing at the table, he'll get up and start dancing around or acting out what he's saying, he just can't STOP... and I cannot handle the stimulation).

How do I deal? I have had to change and create a space for him in my heart. Become realistic about who he is and respect him.

One thing I hated: We were so hard on him at first, and he is the only extrovert in our family, and by age 6-7 he was scared of everyone and seemed to be miserable all the time and actually acting SHY all of a sudden, and we realized that we had to make more space for him to be himself or we would ruin him for life. God, that was hard; I didn't want to change, and sometimes felt violated because as the parent I was the one who had to accommodate HIM, but... that is just life.

What does it mean? I try to "loosely" manage him, not dictate so much. I try to offer him solutions and structure but let him choose to do them, not mandate them. I let him suffer the ramifications of his actions. I try to see the humor in his mistakes, rather than think about how pissed I am he should have known better. I try to accept his constant humor as not a lack of seriousness, but just that he loves life and laughing and will always be a free spirit. I let myself go sometimes and not be so introverted.

I try to spend quiet times with him and ask him about his art. He loves to draw manga and is quite good at it. I try to value the good parts. I am such a lousy conversationalist sometimes, but he is the easiest of my children to talk to in some ways, he leads the conversation and takes all the pressure off me.... and he is so open about what he's doing and feeling.

I give myself permission to leave the room after a certain amount of time, if I cannot deal, and meanwhile convey that I just need space, that I am not abandoning him. And he gets that.

I wish he thought more deeply or caught onto things more quickly... but he is what he is, and he has shown me how much a stick in the mud I've become in so many ways... When did I ever become so serious? He helps me relax and loosen up.
 

meshou

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
238
MBTI Type
INXP
As for having an ESTJ kid, I don't think it'd be too much trouble if it were a boy, since you could pretty much just treat him as a generic male and not go too far wrong. Lots of sports and reasonably strict boundary-reinforcing discipline.
How would you deal with him thinking you're frivolous or weak? How would you tell if his need to be loud as a kid-- and he's going to be loud-- is normal and healthy for him, or too much for the situation etc? Ugh!
 

SolitaryWalker

Tenured roisterer
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
3,504
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Having talked to people, (especially INTPs) with opposite type parents, it seems not to work well.

As far as I can tell, introverted kids, and especially introverted feely kids seem to have it the worst with opposite type parents. Although, I do think that NF parents would do better with opposite type kids than other types.

The two or three INTPs and INFPs I've talked to with an opposite sexed parent with an opposite type really seem lost when it comes to relationships. Basically, being punished for who they are all their childhoods, and in a way the kid'd percieve as extremely harsh, seems to leave some nasty scars.

The INFPs' usual problems with competence seem to be magnified, and the INTPs' usual difficulty establishing relationships is likewise magnified. It's like the parents constant demands for the child to use their inferior functions demonizes that function in the person's mind.

On the other hand, while type is genetic, there's no garauntee any kid any of us'd have wouldn't be the opposite type, and wouldn't respond (or be nurtured by) our natural styles of parenting.

Any thoughts? Agree/ disagree? How would you deal with an opposite-type kid?

Good post.

Strongly agree with the bolded.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Martoon's mom is an ESFJ, and they are on profoundly different wavelengths. He can share if he wants to. I'll just mention one thing: he is very abstract and inside his head, she is always busy and practical. I made up this little phrase for him... not lazy, just very busy on the inside.

My mom has a similar personality to me, I think. She seems like an IXFP. She is wonderful, but we process information extremely differently.
 

outmywindow

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
163
MBTI Type
INTP
My mom is an ISXJ, so when she's in F mode, yeah, we're pretty darn opposite. There have been several big blowups in the past which involved me hurting my mom to the emotional core of her being, which is something I always feel really guilty about, but at the same time unable to control. It seems that I am physically incapable of predicting her reaction, and as such don't always know how to avoid causing it.

That said, I have an ENTP father, and both of my parents have been equally active in the raising/disciplining me department, which means that when I've done something particularly NTP to my mom, my dad is usually able to explain to her that I didn't mean to personally hurt her. This is not an excuse, by any means, just a nice way for her to know that I don't have sinister motives!

I'm working on things in terms of how to not hurt her feelings, but it's very difficult for me sometimes. Something that I see as completely nonchalant can come across as hugely important in her eyes.
 

meshou

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
238
MBTI Type
INXP
What about you, Meshou? What would you consider your opposite to be? ESTJ or ESFJ? Which do you think you'd have the most trouble with?
Oh, gosh, both sound nightmarish if they were strong either way. I sort of consider my "opposite" not T or F, but an extreme T or an extreme F. I don't have the energy or emotional reserves required for strong Fs, but I wouldn't like the TJ harshness and lack of awareness of approprate emotional response either.

I suppose my answer how I'd handle it at the moment is "badly!"
 

Haight

Doesn't Read Your Posts
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
6,232
MBTI Type
INTj
Having talked to people, (especially INTPs) with opposite type parents, it seems not to work well.
Well that's correct in my case.

My Mom is an ENFJ, and my Dad is an ESFP. The standing family joke, with regard to how quiet I was as a kid, went something like this:

"Mendel, why are you so quiet?"
Another relative would respond, "He's quiet because he can't get a word in with those two talking all the time"
"Hahahaha," "hahahaha..." אױ װײ.
 

indigo2020

New member
Joined
May 16, 2007
Messages
122
MBTI Type
INFJ
There is a website that I found very useful in how to parent different types and it also talks about how each adult parents their children different (plus some ideas/suggestions on how to parent/teach each type).

Just naviagate your way around and you can find all sorts of great stuff.

The Personality Page
 

Economica

Dhampyr
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
2,054
MBTI Type
INTJ
My one son is an ESFP. Not a total opposite... but enough.

Hey Jennifer, I really enjoyed that post, thank you. :)

I have no kids and as yet no maternal yearnings, just a nagging feeling that motherhood should have started to seem more appealing by now (I'm 25). I catch myself looking at kids and mentally going "come on, feel that urge!" but pragmatism easily outweighs the charm of even the cutest toddler.

Part of that pragmatism definitely involves the probability of having Sensing kids. Don't get me wrong, I have a few Sensers in my life whom I love, but they're adults. I didn't bond with S kids when I was a kid and I don't think I've gotten any more likely to since then. I think I would be a much more loving and giving mother to N kids. Edit: To be perfectly and brutally honest, I fear they're the only kids I could be a loving and giving mother to. :(

I'm not sure whether it makes sense to ask this question, but are there any (especially NT) mothers out there who would reconsider having their kids (especially their Sensing kids), if they could somehow turn back time? I know, once you have them, they become the center of your universe and life gets new meaning et cetera (hence my hesitation to even bother to ask), but... I guess I'm open to a surprise answer.

(Incidentally, Jennifer, I don't mean to insinuate that your post gave off regretful vibes. I was merely reminded that one can find NT mothers on this forum and that I should exploit it to ask this question. :))

Edit: Damn you Fortunato! :steam:
 
Last edited:
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
1,511
MBTI Type
ENTP
my mom's an ESFJ and I think it's been harder on her than me, heh.
 

quietgirl

New member
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
401
MBTI Type
INFJ
My mother is an ESTP.

We have an extremely intense relationship. It can get very unhealthy, as we will develop a dependancy on one another - I think because we bring out one another's more inferior functions. I tend to be much more hardnosed than normal with her, while she will turn into an emotional basketcase with me (and she's not a very emotional person). However, we also always learn from one another - in a way that's surprisingly relatable. Our dependancy tends to escalate to the point where we need to be apart from one another, though - the best relationship I have with my mother is when there are miles between us. Now that we do have miles between us, we have a surprisingly amazing & fulfilling mother/daughter relationship.

I wonder if her being an ESTP contributed to my personality of INFJ. I always felt we made up for what one another lacked - in a weird symbiosis relationship.

My father is an ISTJ. We've had an extremely turbulant relationship - always flipping from speaking to the silent treatment because I wasn't living up to his expectations. I attribute a lot of my perfectionism to this relationship.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
I had my mom take the test online, and she came out as ISFJ she didn't agree with the description, so I'm not sure of her type, based on what she told me growing up I know she was an introvert. She use to make all her own clothes in highschool, and was going to go into fashion, until she found out she was allergic to the chemicals at the factory. She wanted to make the clothes, she loves knitting and sewing, and embroidering, She's knitting me double insulated mittens. She also enjoys helping others such as organizing events, offering our house for people to use for parties, and is alway baking cakes for people (This is because of a St. that she prays to when you lose something, well when you find it you have to bake someone a cake, and she's always losing things) . She nows does research for work and is a workaholic and gets mad if someone doesn't do something the way she thinks it needs to be done.

I get along with in small doses and as long as I don't have to work with her.

My dad as far as I can tell is an INTP. Don't have any real proof one way or the other with him. We're the most alike in thought processes, but still different. He's a bio medical engineer. He has a ton of friends, but my mom pointed out that he didn't really come out of his shell until later in his life, and doesn't share much about himself with others.

My brother had it the hardest he's as far as I can tell an ESTP but he was always talking and getting in trouble for being loud.
 

xNFJiminy

New member
Joined
Oct 6, 2007
Messages
108
MBTI Type
xNFJ
The adults in my early childhood were two ESFXs and an ISFJ. I remember no problems there at all. I had a very good start. Later, there was an INTJ and the ISFJ, while I still saw the ESFXs regularly. The INTJ is the only one with whom there are chronic issues, but although his extreme T doesn't help, they can't be put down to ordinary type differences. I just keep a sensible distance and see him as a case study. :)
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
If I ever end up with an NF child, that would be an uhh...interesting challenge. I pity the poor kid.

My dad's almost opposite to me type-wise (ENTj) but we share many similarities such as sense of humour and general approach to life, and we got along well in my early teenage years. Our problems now are unrelated to type.

My mom is type-wise relatively close to me (INFP) but we are worlds apart. I have always found it very difficult to understand her choices. We are friendly though.
 
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