Opposite type parents

[INTJMom]

...The two or three INTPs and INFPs I've talked to with an opposite sexed parent with an opposite type really seem lost when it comes to relationships. Basically, being punished for who they are all their childhoods, and in a way the kid'd perceive as extremely harsh, seems to leave some nasty scars. ...

I realize this was posted in May, but I am a parent, and I have an opinion on this. While this may have happened to a few people, I don't really believe this should be generalized across the entire population.
Also just because a parent is opposite does not guarantee they will do a bad job of parenting.

I felt that I was opposite from my middle ISTP son in that I was always very serious, and he is the epitome of fun. I loved school and learning; he hates it. I mean this in no small way. He is the opposite of everything I expected, and the way I wanted him to behave. I had an extremely hard time loving him and accepting him, so determining what "opposite" is might be difficult as well.

Instead of "punishing my son for who he is" - which was incredibly tempting - I chose to learn about his temperament and why he was behaving the way he was. It was very hard for me, but I learned to appreciate him for the way he was.

MBTI is what helped me understand my kids and myself. I used the books, Do What You Are and Nurture By Nature by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron.
These give positive assessments of the types, much more positive than those many people here seem to have been exposed to, and helped me see the positive qualities my son did have.

It was hard for me to not try to squeeze my son into my mold, but I did the right thing, and I think other parents can, too.

[anii]

My dad was an ISTP. My only two brothers are ISTP and ISTJ.

I was the only girl, the middle child, and an NF in a sea of ST infused testosterone.

So yeah, I've been FUBAR, but I'm an adult now and instead of blaming the past I choose to create a fabulous present/future. Oh and to have as much irreverent and shameless fun as possible - it's not too late to have a happy childhood.

[Athenian200]

One thing I hated: We were so hard on him at first, and he is the only extrovert in our family, and by age 6-7 he was scared of everyone and seemed to be miserable all the time and actually acting SHY all of a sudden, and we realized that we had to make more space for him to be himself or we would ruin him for life. God, that was hard; I didn't want to change, and sometimes felt violated because as the parent I was the one who had to accommodate HIM, but... that is just life.

You know, I think that if you're hard enough on ES_P's, you can turn them into IS_J's. I believe that's part of the purpose of the stricter SJ-ish traditions. What do you think? Are you sure that wouldn't be beneficial in the long run, especially in terms of school and a career? Of course, this is coming from an Ni dominant, so...

[Theory]

My mum is an INFP and my dad is an ESTJ. And the four kids -- me being the last -- are as follows: INFJ, INFP, ISFP, and ENFJ. What's funny is that I don't usually get along with my dad very well, especially on matters dealing with emotions and things I feel frustrated about, but I get along wonderfully with my mum, who only shares the NF traits with me. Maybe it's just because ENFJs and INFPs are supposed to be complementary, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I have just stopped talking to my dad about emotional matters altogether, because he rarely understands what's going on in my head and he doesn't really get that I usually just want someone who will listen to my problems and be a vent, but not an adviser -- if I want advice, I will ask for it.

Just thought I'd throw that out there, for what it's worth.

[INTJMom]

You know, I think that if you're hard enough on ES_P's, you can turn them into IS_J's. I believe that's part of the purpose of the stricter SJ-ish traditions. What do you think? Are you sure that wouldn't be beneficial in the long run, especially in terms of school and a career? Of course, this is coming from an Ni dominant, so...

I ask this in all seriousness...
the part I bolded, were you serious or were you joking?

The reason I ask is because I am still learning about types.

[Athenian200]

I ask this in all seriousness...
the part I bolded, were you serious or were you joking?

The reason I ask is because I am still learning about types.

A bit of both, actually. I know that they'll probably let them be "creative," and not want to "stifle" them, but I don't think the native state of ES_P's is beneficial for the people/society around them. Do you have any idea how unfair it is that they just think they have the right to move around as much and as erratically as they want, touch whatever they want, and talk as loudly/vulgarly as they want, and on top of it, whenever they want? Maybe other people can take it, but it makes me want to run inside and never go back out again, just to escape from them.

[cafe]

A bit of both, actually. I know that they'll probably let them be "creative," and not want to "stifle" them, but I don't think the native state of ES_P's is beneficial for the people/society around them. Do you have any idea how unfair it is that they just think they have the right to move around as much and as erratically as they want, touch whatever they want, and talk as loudly/vulgarly as they want, and on top of it, whenever they want? Maybe other people can take it, but it makes me want to run inside and never go back out again, just to escape from them.

I think they tried that with my mother and it backfired in a major way. She ended up feeling like she couldn't do anything right and threw the baby out with the bath water. She couldn't determine which rules were important and which were trivial so she rejected all rules. She couldn't determine which changes where good and which were not, so she embraced all change.

I think it is better to take a choose your battles approach. Instill the truly important values and rules the best you can and not be too picky about the trivial things.

[Athenian200]

I think they tried that with my mother and it backfired in a major way. She ended up feeling like she couldn't do anything right and threw the baby out with the bath water. She couldn't determine which rules were important and which were trivial so she rejected all rules. She couldn't determine which changes where good and which were not, so she embraced all change.

I think it is better to take a choose your battles approach. Instill the truly important values and rules the best you can and not be too picky about the trivial things.

Actually, you may be right. I just feel so threatened by them, I feel like they could hit me, knock me down, scream, sneak up on me, anything. They're just not as civil as other types. Still, I wish I could do something about them. Why can't they act like people instead of savages who despise learning, law, and care nothing for the sensibilities and happiness of others?

[proteanmix]

I should not laugh at other people's misery.

[INTJMom]

A bit of both, actually. I know that they'll probably let them be "creative," and not want to "stifle" them, but I don't think the native state of ES_P's is beneficial for the people/society around them. Do you have any idea how unfair it is that they just think they have the right to move around as much and as erratically as they want, touch whatever they want, and talk as loudly/vulgarly as they want, and on top of it, whenever they want? Maybe other people can take it, but it makes me want to run inside and never go back out again, just to escape from them.

Oh! Phew! I thought you were suggesting social engineering!

Of course children should not be allowed to be disruptive, loud, obnoxious, and touch other people's stuff. That's just nice manners. Hopefully they can be corralled without crushing their spirit.