How do I get ENFJ's to turn down the Fe?

[The Great One]

Okay, so I really enjoy the ENFJ, but sometimes they take their Fe too far and I feel like they trap me in this bubble of "social rules". How do I politely tell an ENFJ to cool it down without pissing them off?

 

[RDF]

Okay, so I really enjoy the ENFJ, but sometimes they take their Fe too far and I feel like they trap me in this bubble of "social rules". How do I politely tell an ENFJ to cool it down without pissing them off?

This response isn’t specific to ENFJs.

Anyway, when I start feeling crowded by someone, I can erect a quick boundary by saying, “Hey look, I’m a grumpy old man; that’s just not going to happen.” And then I act like a grumpy old man and simply refuse to hear anymore about it.

The point is this: People come at you with their agendas. And that’s fine; just make sure you have an agenda of your own and push it with equal vigor in turn.

The tough part may be in figuring out what your agenda is vis-a-vis a given person. Perceivers like to hang with other people and then react off whatever signals the other person sends out. Perceivers don’t have strong boundaries. And lack of boundaries = lack of an agenda.

You have to be be more proactive than that with some people. So sit down and figure out what this person gives you (pros and cons) versus what you would like to get from them (pros and cons). Then erect appropriate boudaries or otherwise reconstruct your relationship appropriately. See this post for my “dinner party” example: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=46972&p=1859560&viewfull=1#post1859560

Don’t get too aggressive with your boundaries. If your agenda is too contradictory to theirs, you end up in a position where you and the other person can’t connect at all. Instead, regard your new-found agenda as a security blanket and try to limit its use to those times when you’re really feeling crowded. Otherwise, try to remain open to their agenda; maybe there’s something new to be learned from them and their approach to the world.

Also see this post on how to say “No” to people nicely: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=46972&p=1859087&viewfull=1#post1859087

 

[Nocapszy]

the problem is not that there's some better or more polite way to do this...
the problem is that the ENFJ has indoctrinated you with the idea that you actually need a polite way to tell them essentially, "shut the fuck up and let me do me for a minute."

 

[Ivy]

Okay, so I really enjoy the ENTP, but sometimes they take their Ne too far and I feel like they trap me in this bubble of "free association" that gives me a headache. How do I politely tell an ENTP to cool it down without pissing them off?

 

[Istbkleta]

Okay, so I really enjoy the ENTP, but sometimes they take their Ne too far and I feel like they trap me in this bubble of "free association" that gives me a headache. How do I politely tell an ENTP to cool it down without pissing them off?

You can't piss them off by saying what you think. You can piss them off by telling them what they can and cannot think.

How can I tell an INFP to stop being so judgmental and accept that just because others don't have Fi it doesn't mean they are heartless monsters?

 

[Istbkleta]

double post.

Anybody knows why Fi is so good at sex? Is there a topic on that already (link)?

 

[Ivy]

You can't piss them off by saying what you think. You can piss them off by telling them what they can and cannot think.

How can I tell an INFP to stop being so judgmental and accept that just because others don't have Fi it doesn't mean they are heartless monsters?

I wouldn't know; I don't think that.

 

[Istbkleta]

I wouldn't know; I don't think that.

I am so glad.

What do you think of people without Fi?


I think ENFJs kind of get a superior attitude with the non-Fe (moral high ground) folk. I used to live with an ENFJ for 3 years. They are amazing in many ways.

 

[Ivy]

I am so glad.

What do you think of people without Fi?


I think ENFJs kind of get a superior attitude with the non-Fe (moral high ground) folk. I used to live with an ENFJ for 3 years. They are amazing in many ways.

I'm not even sure how to answer that. I don't tend to think anything in particular about people who don't use Fi the way I do, except "they don't use Fi the way I do."

But in reality nobody is without Fi. Just, some of us rely on it more, or are more aware of it or embrace it more readily. Honestly, I find strong Fi to be downright painful at times so I'm almost envious of people for whom it's not their go-to function. But then again, probably BECAUSE of my strong Fi I consider pain beautiful in a way, so I can't wish it away. It's all in the perspective.

 

[The Great One]

This response isn’t specific to ENFJs.

Anyway, when I start feeling crowded by someone, I can erect a quick boundary by saying, “Hey look, I’m a grumpy old man; that’s just not going to happen.” And then I act like a grumpy old man and simply refuse to hear anymore about it.

The point is this: People come at you with their agendas. And that’s fine; just make sure you have an agenda of your own and push it with equal vigor in turn.

The tough part may be in figuring out what your agenda is vis-a-vis a given person. Perceivers like to hang with other people and then react off whatever signals the other person sends out. Perceivers don’t have strong boundaries. And lack of boundaries = lack of an agenda.

You have to be be more proactive than that with some people. So sit down and figure out what this person gives you (pros and cons) versus what you would like to get from them (pros and cons). Then erect appropriate boudaries or otherwise reconstruct your relationship appropriately. See this post for my “dinner party” example: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=46972&p=1859560&viewfull=1#post1859560

Don’t get too aggressive with your boundaries. If your agenda is too contradictory to theirs, you end up in a position where you and the other person can’t connect at all. Instead, regard your new-found agenda as a security blanket and try to limit its use to those times when you’re really feeling crowded. Otherwise, try to remain open to their agenda; maybe there’s something new to be learned from them and their approach to the world.

Also see this post on how to say “No” to people nicely: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=46972&p=1859087&viewfull=1#post1859087

I actually use quite a bit of Fe myself. It's just that sometimes I enjoy playing with groups and saying things for shock effect just to see what happens. If I offend maybe one or two people I don't really care. However, if I offend like 5 or more then I will most likely quit. Most ENFJ try to do this Papa bear shit where they try to like "improve you" and I just want to tell them to fuck off without losing our friendship. It's like I love to hang out with ENFJ in a one on one environment, but I hate being around them in large groups.

 

[RDF]

It's like I love to hang out with ENFJ in a one on one environment, but I hate being around them in large groups.

In the OP you said, 'I feel like they trap me in this bubble of "social rules."' at that point I thought you meant that ENFJs were pushing a lot of expectations and social rules on you personally. But now it sounds like maybe you mean that ENFJs get pontificating in a group setting and you get bored; you would rather there was more give and take or something like that.

IOW I'm having a little difficulty understanding exactly what problem you're having with ENFJs in large groups. Just curious.

 

[The Great One]

In the OP you said, 'I feel like they trap me in this bubble of "social rules."' at that point I thought you meant that ENFJs were pushing a lot of expectations and social rules on you personally. But now it sounds like maybe you mean that ENFJs get pontificating in a group setting and you get bored; you would rather there was more give and take or something like that.

IOW I'm having a little difficulty understanding exactly what problem you're having with ENFJs in large groups. Just curious.

My problem is that many ENFJ's I feel impede on my freedom of speech when they are out with me. It seems like they act like a natural censor for everything that I say. It gets really annoying and I don't know how to tell them to quit without offending them.

 

[RDF]

You're still putting it a little generally. They impede your freedom of speech? Maybe it's best to just call it bad chemistry between two very different types of Extravert in a social setting.

If you want some strategies, you could try reading "The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for Mastering Any Room" by Jeanne Martinet. It's about working a room and it has all kinds of neat tricks for things like handling and/or getting away from bores, dealing with arrogant celebrities, steering conversations, etc. Fun stuff if you want to consider strategies for handling various situations in social settings.

Another thing I've noticed about ENFJs is that they like to pontificate about broad overviews and trends. So if you ask them about their concrete, personal affairs, it tends to deflate them a bit. They can't pontificate about that sort of thing, and it forces them to come down to earth a bit. In general: Work on steering the conversation a bit more, and perhaps you won't feel so much at their mercy.

[Edit:] Or the simplest thing may be to just steer away from them in social settings. Nothing wrong with that; sometimes the chemistry just isn't there.

 

[The Great One]

You're still putting it a little generally. They impede your freedom of speech? Maybe it's best to just call it bad chemistry between two very different types of Extravert in a social setting.

If you want some strategies, you could try reading "The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for Mastering Any Room" by Jeanne Martinet. It's about working a room and it has all kinds of neat tricks for things like handling and/or getting away from bores, dealing with arrogant celebrities, steering conversations, etc. Fun stuff if you want to consider strategies for handling various situations in social settings.

Another thing I've noticed about ENFJs is that they like to pontificate about broad overviews and trends. So if you ask them about their concrete, personal affairs, it tends to deflate them a bit. They can't pontificate about that sort of thing, and it forces them to come down to earth a bit. In general: Work on steering the conversation a bit more, and perhaps you won't feel so much at their mercy.

[Edit:] Or the simplest thing may be to just steer away from them in social settings. Nothing wrong with that; sometimes the chemistry just isn't there.

That looks like a cool book. I will definetely pick it up.

 

[Glycerine]

I usually cool it when I know it's an open atmosphere: casual, non-judgmental place. They are too wrapped up in what others think. IME, Fe doms are typically like that when they don't feel like they can let their guard down.

 

[The Great One]

I usually cool it when I know it's an open atmosphere: casual, non-judgmental place. They are too wrapped up in what others think. IME, Fe doms are typically like that when they don't feel like they can let their guard down.

Wow, this is one only good responses that I've received on this thread. So in other words what you are saying is that Fe will not be as strong at like a bar or something, but will raise up sky high at like maybe a formal dinner party for example?

 

[Mal12345]

I'm not even sure how to answer that. I don't tend to think anything in particular about people who don't use Fi the way I do, except "they don't use Fi the way I do."

But in reality nobody is without Fi.

Sociopaths. Psychopaths.

 

[Glycerine]

Wow, this is one only good responses that I've received on this thread. So in other words what you are saying is that Fe will not be as strong at like a bar or something, but will raise up sky high at like maybe a formal dinner party for example?

Precisely. Typically, the objective of someone with smooth and strong Fe is to make sure the group atmosphere is comfortable and "appropriate". If it's a formal dinner and someone is interjecting good-humoured but crass comments and is making the atmosphere "awkward", then the Fe user feels compelled to fix that. So basically if you can convince the person that everyone's fine with it, then he/she will cool it.

Also, it's probably more about them than you. If they don't feel comfortable in the situation/atmosphere or the less they know, the more overbearing they may be with the social rules. E3s are usually extra self-conscious about this, I think.

EDIT: Social rules are like a proactive measure for the Fe dom.

 

[UniqueMixture]

I just let them think that I think the way they do.

 

[Zarathustra]

What do you think of people without Fi?

Basically, the same way Eric Cartman thinks of gingers:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/103645/gingervitus