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When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life

SilkRoad

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So...do types other than INFJ EVER cut off contact with other people? Or does everyone else of every other type maintain every relationship in their life forever and ever, even if one or both parties just wants out?

What would make a non-INFJ doorslam and how?

Seriously, I know the extreme improbability of ANY other type doing this, as INFJs apparently have a monopoly on it.
 

WheresRocket

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If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.

There have been a few people in my life who have just been crass and offensive repeatedly, and I have firmly cut them off and not felt bad about it. I don't think either of us missed the other, in these situations. I knew they didn't care about me, and I decided to stop caring about them.

I don't think, though, I have ever cut off anyone who has at some point meant a lot to me, or anyone who would be deeply hurt by my absence. Usually it's just that the relationship is not healthy or helpful to begin with, and I'm the one who rips off the band-aid.

Is that "doorslamming," or am I misunderstanding?
 

SilkRoad

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If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.

There have been a few people in my life who have just been crass and offensive repeatedly, and I have firmly cut them off and not felt bad about it. I don't think either of us missed the other, in these situations. I knew they didn't care about me, and I decided to stop caring about them.

I don't think, though, I have ever cut off anyone who has at some point meant a lot to me, or anyone who would be deeply hurt by my absence. Usually it's just that the relationship is not healthy or helpful to begin with, and I'm the one who rips off the band-aid.

Is that "doorslamming," or am I misunderstanding?

That's more or less it. Pardon the sarcastic tone of the OP - I am actually interested in serious responses to this thread. It's due to the infamous INFJ doorslam thread. A lot of people seem to think that only INFJs ever do it, or that we do it 100% more than other types.

Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
 

SilkRoad

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If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.

There have been a few people in my life who have just been crass and offensive repeatedly, and I have firmly cut them off and not felt bad about it. I don't think either of us missed the other, in these situations. I knew they didn't care about me, and I decided to stop caring about them.

I don't think, though, I have ever cut off anyone who has at some point meant a lot to me, or anyone who would be deeply hurt by my absence. Usually it's just that the relationship is not healthy or helpful to begin with, and I'm the one who rips off the band-aid.

Is that "doorslamming," or am I misunderstanding?

That's more or less it. Pardon the sarcastic tone of the OP - I am actually interested in serious responses to this thread. It's due to the infamous INFJ doorslam thread. A lot of people seem to think that only INFJs ever do it, or that we do it 100% more than other types.

Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
 

Randomnity

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I don't think I've ever done it. I've drifted away from people all the time, but never had some dramatic event which turned a close friend into an enemy. It's more my style to just stop talking to someone if they're bothering me. Chances might be very low that we'd talk again, but I can't see myself making an announcement about it.

However, I have heavily considered it for one family member (but haven't cut contact so far). But even there, I don't know if I would ever say "never" :)laugh:). I would probably just not contact him, or at most say that I'm not comfortable with being in contact "for now/for the foreseeable future".

I guess what would make me, or presumably other people, doorslam someone is if they have a very negative impact on my life which is not likely to ever change, and if simply drifting away isn't feasible for whatever reason (they can't take a hint, mutual friends involved, etc).

I would definitely reconsider if new information comes up. I don't really believe in imposing rules for myself, especially to decide future actions. Because I'm not able to see the future, I'd rather decide in the future based on the information I had then.
 

JocktheMotie

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If type is a valid construct at all then it stands to reason that similar types will have certain tendencies as to how they manage stresses; for INFJs it seems doorslamming is what people notice. Or more importantly, how they read the behavior. Ni doms are notoriously sort of obscure so you can't be all surprised when people read you incorrectly.

Personally, I don't really have enough experience with INFJs to really know if this is something common or if it's a valid description at all. At the very least, you can just do what the ENFPs do and turn something negative into self-glorification.
 

1487610420

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If type is a valid construct at all then it stands to reason that certain types will have similar tendencies as to how they manage stresses; for INFJs it seems doorslamming is what people notice. Or more importantly, how they read the behavior. Ni doms are notoriously sort of obscure so you can't be all surprised when people read you incorrectly.

Personally, I don't really have enough experience with INFJs to really know if this is something common or if it's a valid description at all. At the very least, you can just do what the ENFPs do and turn something negative into self-glorification.

I'll let someone else comment on the logical fallacies portrayed here ;)
 

WheresRocket

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I've drifted away from people all the time, but never had some dramatic event which turned a close friend into an enemy. It's more my style to just stop talking to someone if they're bothering me. Chances might be very low that we'd talk again, but I can't see myself making an announcement about it.

We might be talking about close to the same thing here - this is what I do, or at least what it looks like from the outside. I guess it's sort of a "soft doorslam." I doubt that many, or any, or the people I have cut out of my life in this way have noticed that I was being intentional. They probably think I'm busy or have just gone quiet for a while in the way INFPs sometimes do (like many, I'm notoriously bad at staying in touch).

But in my mind, there is a definite line and a sense of closure to my soft doorslamming that distinguishes it from inadvertently drifting away. Only I can see the difference between the two, I think, but I do mean to close that door; it's not an accident.

Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?

Yeah, I would. I haven't yet had a situation in which I've been hurt too badly to consider reopening the door. And sometimes it sort of casually reopens on its own months or years later, with very little fanfare.

Now that you have me thinking about it, I think my doorslam move is a way of carving out space for myself in a situation that feels stifling. If I can just freeze everything that's too upsetting and overwhelming to deal with, I can get some breathing room and let the problem work itself out in the background while I get unstuck and get on with my life.

This is sort of a stark way of putting it, but if someone is continuously causing me to feel like I'm in a situation I can neither cope with nor escape, I'm going to deal with it by getting rid of that person until the situation is sorted out or I've grown enough to cope with it. Sometimes that's a five-minute break from a discussion with my spouse; sometimes it's "sayonara, casual acquaintance, until I have a reason to reconsider this" (which may be in three months, or may be never).

(Thanks for the clarification on the INFJ doorslamming thread - I had seen some of that, but got a little out of my newbie depth trying to follow along. :unsure: )
 
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generally speaking i've drifted apart from many over the years - for me the opposite of positively maintaining a relationship isn't doorslamming them, its just not putting in the effort - if they are a low priority for me i am less likely to make time for them, but i don't generally reject people completely - if they call me i answer, if i find something more important to do i tell them i am busy. they have any chance they want to become a high priority, change, be someone i want to be around with, gain my interest, but its not like they can force me to do anything i dont want to do. this is extremely unlikely to happen with anyone i ever felt close with, and i don't see it ever happening with anyone i feel committed towards.

i have "doorslammed" of sorts once, and i have done it very nicely i think, too nice to be fixed, but it wa a stupid immature mistake on my part. see, there was a guy who got drafted to the army before me, an ISTJ i think, and he was very very very whiny about it, which i dont mind - problems to solve can be fun- if he is willing to use my solutions... he never did anything i advised him to do, just went on whining about the same problems. i faced him about it, he went on doing it, i told him i am going to sush him whenever he brings up a problem i already gave him a solution, i ended up doing that repeatedly until he just set there on my porch silently.

if i was a little wiser, i would have just left it at that, allowed him to come back to me when he resolves his own frustrations. but i was a stupid teenager thinking only about what was good for me in the now, and i didn't want to go the army with his negativity, so in order to get rid of him without him feeling rejected or that there's something wrong about himself, i described myself as the ultimate asshole, told him he was a psychological experiment of mine, that the friendship was never real, so that he'd hates me rather then feel bad about himself, and so that he'd doorslam me. it was a lie ofcourse, and a redicules one if he'd stop to think of it, but i didn't think he would and so far i've being right.
 

1487610420

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That's more or less it. Pardon the sarcastic tone of the OP - I am actually interested in serious responses to this thread. It's due to the infamous INFJ doorslam thread. A lot of people seem to think that only INFJs ever do it, or that we do it 100% more than other types.

Exhibit A :thumbup: :doh:
Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
Too many if's to consider. There isn't a one size fits all, IME. :nono:
 

Snow Turtle

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I'm similar to Randomnity in that I'm more likely to just let the friendship fade into nothingness. But I've never really been in the situation where someone has treated me badly enough for me to completely cut contact with them. I'm the sort of person who can stay friends with their ex as well (if I had one).
Part of me thinks the whole INFJ doorslamming business might be more noticeable due the formalness of it all. There's also the whole sensitivity thing in play where INFJs, to me, can come across as more tough-minded and decisive with the "This is making me uncomfortable. I'm not going to take this anymore." approach than say an ISFJ who might end up staying in an uncomfortable environment for way too long. Granted, this is not to say that the INFJ hurts less from the whole ordeal.

When the cutting off happens, rather than it being explosive, it's much more likely to be formal and to the point which can come across as extremely cold. I'd imagine the stark difference between how close the person used to be, and how formal and distant they will become when door-slamming basically creates a massive impression in people's mind. It actually makes the whole cutting off business potentially more painful (as if they suddenly switched off all feelings) than if you had witnessed a person explode with high amount of emotions and so fourth.

That's my take on it anyway. I think all people probably doorslam, but I think the whole formality aspect of it might be more unique to people who control their emotions (An Fe thing?) that is often observed in INFJs. My INFJ friend for the most part has cut me out of her life (It was semi-romantic at one point), and I can feel it. We're just on cordial terms these days. It's a little unfortunate really.
 

Starry

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Is it 'a bad thing' if INFJs utilize this strategy more than other types?

I have cut a few people out of my life. I'm thinking the difference may be that the decisions to do so were basically mutual...explanations were provided...and good-byes were said. I have never made a decision like this all on my own without consulting the other person involved.
 
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I know an INTP who adopted a strategy he called "the fizzle". He was over a person and told her so. He told her that he wouldn't be continuing their association and just stopped interacting with her. He hoped she would get the message without a lot of drama. (It didn't work well, he ended up having to be pretty confrontational to get the other person to move on). I guess that could be like a doorslam though there wasn't a lot of emotion of any kind attached to it.
 
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Ginkgo

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tumblr_lwlff35k4x1r8hpkuo1_500.jpg
 
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Is it 'a bad thing' if INFJs utilize this strategy more than other types?
the type can provide insight to an explenation and condition of why someone does something, but not the nature of the action itself.

for me the moment you look into a source of information and say "no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people"...

i just don't see a way that can be legitimate, you are still responsible for what you do with the information and what you allow yourself to understand from it, its not like they can actually control your choices... and if they have information that would make you change your mind, then it means its releavent information.

unless ofcourse it's...
drx.jpg

yep, i'd totally doorslam Xavier.
 

OrangeAppled

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Growing apart from an old friend doesn't really count here. This is the most common way I've ended friendships & the most common way others do it. You both understand why, because the changes that led to it are very evident, and it's a very gradual, natural thing.

Being offended or hurt or annoyed by a casual acquaintance (or simply disliking them) & then deciding to avoid them doesn't really count here. This is more along the lines of choosing who to be friends with to begin with vs cutting someone off.

Let's actually consider the metaphor of "door slamming" - it's shutting someone out mid-conflict instead of seeking a resolution. It's usually someone you're close to, because it's like the way a person would literally door slam a family member in an argument. It also tends to be childish, because there's a refusal to communicate or to do anything on your part to make amends. Most of the time it seems like a demand for others to grovel to you....but you won't "open up" until they say just the right thing (read your mind & guess your demands, then give into them).

Can any type do this? Of course, but when you read Ni + Fe descriptions, then you really see why that mentality is prone to it. The way of handing conflict is often to reject any reality that doesn't align with what you want it to be (this is how INFJs predict things - they almost subconsciously manipulate things - or the interpretation of them - to an "inevitable" end). Restoring peace is just to out a perceived violator of it. There's a tendency to not look inward in terms of evaluating their own role in things (no Fi, Ti is impersonal). They do the creepy Ni perspective shift, so they can come out smelling like roses in their own mind. They create a back story of being a victim, and they just don't understand why everyone is sooo mean to them! Etc...

What also makes INFJ door slamming distinct is the level of hypocrisy. They can say & do the nastiest things to people, but if 1/10 the level of that is returned to them, they get all butthurt & cut people off. I've witnessed it so many times, from a distance as an observer & up close among family. Everyone else has to be perfect but these INFJs, because in their distorted views they are pretty much perfect. Their standards for others are completely unreasonable, but you must forgive them a multitude of violations. That's how these individuals come off anyway, and when you have an attitude like that, you're going to be cutting people off right & left because you can't handle self-evaluation, personal responsibility, etc. These people also constantly appear to be running away in life (mentally, rather than physically as others do) rather than dealing with problems. They don't just cut out people, but situations, experiences, etc. This is obviously not "healthy", and it's not characteristic of all INFJs so much as INFJs who door slam a lot (the way they tend to go about it & be in general).

I've seen this done to my mom by her INFJ sister countless times, and I see the solution is never ever to grovel or meet their demands. They must be isolated, or effectively door slammed by mutual friends/family. They'll find themselves alone after a short time, and then they come back all meek, albeit rarely with an apology. You can't always call their bluff (because it seems to me that's often what it is, or a risk they're willing to take to get their way), but if you can, then you'll probably win.
 

chickpea

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i've done it, i had a friend that i knew had been talking about me behind my back and had just been lying to me about a lot of stupid shit, so i completely cut her out of my life without really giving her a reason or anything. it made things kinda awkward because we were both part of a small group of friends that hung out with each other all the time, so they had to like split their time between us. she took it really badly and started insulting me a lot to mutual friends of ours, but i made sure i was the bigger person and didn't try to get anyone to take my side, i just said i didn't think maintaining a relationship with her was worth it anymore. and i think in the long run it made her look bad.

i don't think i know any INFJs in real life so i've never observed the doorslam phenomenon with them.
 

Starry

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for me the moment you look into a source of information and say "no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people"...

I'm not exactly sure what you are saying. All types have ways in which they say...no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people. For example, ENPs are especially skilled at spinning stories...heck...actually convincing themselves that they are 'innocent of wrong-doing/blameless'.

Adding on...

We don't just shut-out all new incoming information. We actually create shit.
 
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I've seen this done to my mom by her INFJ sister countless times, and I see the solution is never ever to grovel or meet their demands. They must be isolated, or effectively door slammed by mutual friends/family. They'll find themselves alone after a short time, and then they come back all meek, albeit rarely with an apology. You can't always call their bluff (because it seems to me that's often what it is, or a risk they're willing to take to get their way), but if you can, then you'll probably win.

1. i identify with a lot of your description... actually all of it seems to match perfectly.

2. what do you mean by winning?

I'm not exactly sure what you are saying. All types have ways in which they say...no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people

i drifted apart from many over the years - most because i move a lot, but some of conflicts and stuff - but if a friend of mine from years gone by sends me an email or give me a call, i would answer. if they aren't good friends i might not go out of my way or reschedual something just to meet them, if there's still bad blood between us i might ask for it to be resolved, and if i never liked them to began with i just won't be very nice to them, i might even be cruel in how openly i express my dislike of them, which can be quite discouraging.

but at no point do i block them out or say no to incoming information. if they want to explain themselves, tell me about their lives and realizations, share something about their perspective or how they feel, they always can. if it will change my opinion of them, then its pretty important information, and if it won't then no harm.

doorslamming on the other hand - blocking someone out - actually blocking information from other people, is self-imposed ignorance regarding someone else's perspective.
now usually self-imposed ignorance is just self-destructive, if your an alcoholic living in a social vacum and choose to never read a piece about how it can affect your liver and never face how it affects your behavior and mentality, then hey, your not hurting anyone else.
but the moment you have anyone else in your life, the moment your choices influence anyone else, your not only imposing your willful ignorance on yourself, your imposing it on those around you. and that is what a doorslam is.

and i know i sound condescending as hell when i do this, but honestly this seems so obvious to me that i can't believe it needs to be explained, it reminds of explaining to my toddler why to flush the toilet after himself or why you don't solve conflicts over a toy by hitting another kid...
 
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