xNTP and deciphering non-communication

[Antimony]

Normally, I get people pretty easily. However, I am stumped. I have an xNTP (I think he is an INTP) friend. At least, I think he is my friend. To make a list:

-He nearly never responds to me. I could be in great distress, and he wouldn't respond.
-However, he did months ago when I was in moderate distress, and he was reassuring. Quick responses, very empathetic. Not faking.
-During that conversation he said that after first meeting me he already liked me more than most of his close friends
-That conversation lasted hours and hours.
-My (now ex) and I ended up together, and after that, essentially no responses
-He has stated that other people try as hard as I do to talk to him
-He says he is known for not picking up his phone for days (reassuring me that it's him, maybe?)
-Seems to enjoy my company when I have seen him. He has a difficult time engaging or wanted to engage until he actually does. You can see where that can cause problems. Doesn't want to hang out or talk until he actually does, it seems.
-Has responded to phone calls, though I haven't tried any recently.

These are just my perceptions. I keep trying to figure out his mind, and one of the biggest things I can't seem to figure out is: does he want to talk to me, and why or why not.

 

[garbage]

He's independent, and he probably talks to people when he wants to talk to them, and under no other circumstance. It's up to you as to whether you can deal with that or not, but it sounds like he certainly would not be good in a crisis. To me, he'd be one of those "I'll see you whenever I see you, I guess?" friends.

 

[Antimony]

He's independent, and he probably talks to people when he wants to talk to them, and under no other circumstance. It's up to you as to whether you can deal with that or not, but it sounds like he certainly would not be good in a crisis. To me, he'd be one of those "I'll see you whenever I see you, I guess?" friends.

How am I supposed to tell when people like that want to talk?

 

[garbage]

How am I supposed to tell when people like that want to talk?

No idea. The best way to know is for him to approach you, which probably won't happen a whole lot. The second best way is to keep trying whenever you want to talk, but without the expectation that he'll actually be there so that you don't get hurt when he's not.

 

[Antimony]

No idea. The best way to know is for him to approach you, which probably won't happen a whole lot. The second best way is to keep trying whenever you want to talk, but without the expectation that he'll actually be there so that you don't get hurt when he's not.

If I let him talk when he wants to, we will never talk. I'm not hurt over him not talking, I'm confused. I don't want to piss him off by trying to talk, which is where me trying to figure out if he wants to talk ever or not comes in.

 

[Silveresque]

Try email, maybe? He may find it less intrusive, since it allows him to answer when he feels like it.

 

[Rasofy]

I like the e-mail idea. He seems to like you, but young INTPs are usually clueless and very passive with these things. Shyness would make it worse.
edit: Not sure if it is just me, but I think INTPs in general don't like phoning.

 

[Totenkindly]

Normally, I get people pretty easily. However, I am stumped. I have an xNTP (I think he is an INTP) friend. At least, I think he is my friend. To make a list:

-He nearly never responds to me. I could be in great distress, and he wouldn't respond.
-However, he did months ago when I was in moderate distress, and he was reassuring. Quick responses, very empathetic. Not faking.
-During that conversation he said that after first meeting me he already liked me more than most of his close friends
-That conversation lasted hours and hours.
-My (now ex) and I ended up together, and after that, essentially no responses
-He has stated that other people try as hard as I do to talk to him
-He says he is known for not picking up his phone for days (reassuring me that it's him, maybe?)
-Seems to enjoy my company when I have seen him. He has a difficult time engaging or wanted to engage until he actually does. You can see where that can cause problems. Doesn't want to hang out or talk until he actually does, it seems.
-Has responded to phone calls, though I haven't tried any recently.

These are just my perceptions. I keep trying to figure out his mind, and one of the biggest things I can't seem to figure out is: does he want to talk to me, and why or why not.

Yeah, that seems typical, and I think his interest in you is sincere. I remember having most of those same tendencies when I was younger, to that degree, before I was forced to extend my social/relational boundaries and got used to new ways to interact -- but I can still be pretty reclusive in the sense that, while I may like someone immensely, it's very very hard for me to commit to a long conversation because of the time block. If a close friend calls and we start talking, we can talk a few hours and I really enjoy the conversation, but afterward I can feel like I spent too long on the phone even if I like the person a lot. I hate being that way, but that's just what I'm feeling... it sucks for me, and I know it sucks for the other person when I have feelings like that, but I'm not sure how to change it.

Also, you mentioned earlier about how when you finally do get him, he's very empathetic toward you and doesn't seem to be faking. I doubt he is. With me, I usually prioritize based on need; if I sense someone really needs me, then I'm totally there and can be of great help; however, if it's something where I feel the need is not as great and someone else is accessible and can fill the role, sometimes I just won't engage. Again, something I don't like about myself, but it's a hard thing to work out and change. Sometimes I work at it simply because I do value the other person(s) and do want to help, and I appreciate they reached out to me, and I also know the end result of not being there for someone is for them to eventually stop contacting me and that's not what I want...

... but anyway, it sounds kinda like it's him and then NTP thing, and not you.

AS others have mentioned, a bit more indirect communication is actually much easier -- I know I don't have the same issues with PMs or emails or texting, as long as the other person doesn't expect me to respond immediately. As my PM numbers here suggest, I take written communication seriously and don't feel overwhelmed by it; I can fit in into my schedule as I go, but phone calls invade my space immediately and then I feel like I either need to answer or else not pick up and someone might be offended by that.

 

[Antimony]

Try email, maybe? He may find it less intrusive, since it allows him to answer when he feels like it.

I like the e-mail idea. He seems to like you, but young INTPs are usually clueless and very passive with these things. Shyness would make it worse.
edit: Not sure if it is just me, but I think INTPs in general don't like phoning.

[MENTION=7]Jennifer[/MENTION]

The idea of text was to make it less intrusive. When I call him, he purposefully sounds irritated and is like "What." but in a way that I can tell he doesn't actually care. We'll even have an Ne saturated banter for a few minutes that is anything but normal.

I usually hate phoning people. Even picking up phone calls can make me nervous. Not sure why. But he has sparked my interest. It doesn't help that I feel a little shy around him. I intentionally have a sense of confidence when I talk to him.

And again, not entirely sure he is an INTP. I can't figure it out. He has many acquaintances, but claims to have no one he is extremely close to. Though with me opening up, he opened up back.

The other day I was in great distress and texted him, but I think he saw that as 'boy crying wolf' because I said I wouldn't back down from trying to talk unless he told me to. I think he may just be trying to challenge me right now.

Maybe.

 

[rav3n]

A little poke at INTPs. They want to communicate when they want to communicate but if you ignore them, they feel ignored.

 

[Asterion]

[MENTION=7]Jennifer[/MENTION]

The idea of text was to make it less intrusive. When I call him, he purposefully sounds irritated and is like "What." but in a way that I can tell he doesn't actually care. We'll even have an Ne saturated banter for a few minutes that is anything but normal.

I usually hate phoning people. Even picking up phone calls can make me nervous. Not sure why. But he has sparked my interest. It doesn't help that I feel a little shy around him. I intentionally have a sense of confidence when I talk to him.

And again, not entirely sure he is an INTP. I can't figure it out. He has many acquaintances, but claims to have no one he is extremely close to. Though with me opening up, he opened up back.

The other day I was in great distress and texted him, but I think he saw that as 'boy crying wolf' because I said I wouldn't back down from trying to talk unless he told me to. I think he may just be trying to challenge me right now.

Maybe.

Sounds very much like an INTP 5. I think such a type is very conservative towards emotions, once they feel something, they want to savor it for a while. So they don't want to be engaged frequently, they just need a little sustenance, the occasional talk. He definitely needs to put more energy in. I think you'll be well off just forcing your way in for now, and eventually mr. INTP here will learn eventually.

 

[Ginkgo]

A little poke at INTPs. They want to communicate when they want to communicate but if you ignore them, they feel ignored.

Most people are that self-interested.

 

[NPcomplete]

I can definitely see some of my friends in that description. I don't know how to tell when they want to talk unfortunately. I usually send them random/funny/snarky texts/emails that challenge them and that I know they'll only itch to reply, albeit eventually. They aren't the serious serious INTPs though. We are almost all the time in a bouncy castle of derision, even when we ought to be serious.

Your friend, on the other hand, seems to be the type of person who will talk only when he wants. Hmm like others have said, send emails. A lot of them haha. Do you have common interests? You could start with those as openers and then try to dig to find some more info. Those can also be used for future hang out opportunities.

In any case, don't take it too personally when he doesn't reply back. [I know it's hard (specially when you feel like you have to chase them around) but you can't really change people.] Just badger your way in.

 

[rav3n]

Most people are that self-interested.

Is it solely self-interest or in the case of IPs, the weighing of introversion (feeling drained) and a form of insecurity based on unknown elements (aka people)? Many INTPs do care about other people's feelings and NEED to know how they're feeling but since they don't know, wonder how they themselves should be feeling and reacting, which spirals into detachment or analysis-paralysis.

 

[Ginkgo]

Is it solely self-interest or in the case of IPs, the weighing of introversion (feeling drained) and a form of insecurity based on unknown elements (aka people)? Many INTPs do care about other people's feelings and NEED to know how they're feeling but since they don't know, wonder how they themselves should be feeling and reacting, which spirals into detachment or analysis-paralysis.

That seems to be a pattern. In fact it seems to extend to introverts in general.

 

[Antimony]

Sounds very much like an INTP 5. I think such a type is very conservative towards emotions, once they feel something, they want to savor it for a while. So they don't want to be engaged frequently, they just need a little sustenance, the occasional talk. He definitely needs to put more energy in. I think you'll be well off just forcing your way in for now, and eventually mr. INTP here will learn eventually.

I think he is an INTP 5. I am going to force myself. He makes me shy because I can't read and predict him, but I am going to call him today despite this.

[MENTION=6465]thealchemist[/MENTION] I'm not taking it personally, because I was unsure of whether to know if I should or not in the first place. I've never, ever been so in the dark about someone's opinions of things.

In order to find out more about him, I have to actually talk to him. It's been like, 5 or 6 months since he has responded to me.

Common interests? Reading, video games, and potentially theoretical things. Maybe I will dig up logic puzzles or something. Or just man the fuck up and call him.

If he didn't want to talk ever again, wouldn't he have said something? Maybe he's blocked me. /feeling uncertain

 

[rav3n]

That seems to be a pattern. In fact it seems to extend to introverts in general.

Agreed for INPs. Possibly for ISPs. IJs? Uncertain of this. Possibly INJs.

 

[garbage]

Think about whether you're putting more effort into this than it's worth.

There's no big mystery. Some people just do not initiate contact, and some people don't like to feel that others are intruding upon them--whether or not those feelings are justified or not.

 

[Antimony]

Think about whether you're putting more effort into this than it's worth.

He's worth it.

There's no big mystery. Some people just do not initiate contact, and some people don't like to feel that others are intruding upon them--whether or not those feelings are justified or not.

*pulls hair out*

He is always hanging out with people.

 

[NPcomplete]

I think he is an INTP 5. I am going to force myself. He makes me shy because I can't read and predict him, but I am going to call him today despite this.

thealchemist I'm not taking it personally, because I was unsure of whether to know if I should or not in the first place. I've never, ever been so in the dark about someone's opinions of things.

In order to find out more about him, I have to actually talk to him. It's been like, 5 or 6 months since he has responded to me.

Common interests? Reading, video games, and potentially theoretical things. Maybe I will dig up logic puzzles or something. Or just man the fuck up and call him.

If he didn't want to talk ever again, wouldn't he have said something? Maybe he's blocked me. /feeling uncertain

This sounds suspiciously familiar. First, I doubt he's blocked you. I totally understand the part about you not knowing how to feel as well. But INTPs are usually direct about things (judging from the advice they give me), and if he didn't want to talk to you, I'm sure he would have told you so.

I'm not sure I understand the INTP way of getting very intense about stuff they're working on but they do tend to forget the outside world. Definitely poke and nudge him in a way that will not make him feel threatened.

Are there events currently taking place that could potentially involve those interests? Find out and call him! You can hang out and that will lead to many many future conversations. Also you'll interact with him more and learn more about how he behaves usually. GO FOR IT!!!