xNTP and deciphering non-communication

[rav3n]

It's been like, 5 or 6 months since he has responded to me.

It's time to move on, regardless of his issues.

I've had relationships with three INTPs. They all were in my face with interest. Once these guys make a decision about non-platonic interactions, they're not so passive. It's when they're either disinterested or in observation mode/fence sitting, that they won't necessarily communicate. Five months+ is way, way too long an interval, particularly if you were the one initiating prior convos.

 

[NPcomplete]

Wait you like like him?

 

[kelric]

It sounds like he's just extraordinarily self-reliant and independent. I'm not stating that as a "good" thing, although those traits are usually thought of as such. In this case, I do think he cares (or did at one point -- it sounds like this behavior has taken place over a long period of time).

The incidents about stating that he liked you as soon as you met, very long conversations, and responded with empathy and caring "months ago" when you were in distress all seem to indicate that he really enjoy(s/ed) your company.

The red flag here is your very first statement -- that now, if you call on him in any sort of distress, that he doesn't respond.

You mention that he stopped responding when you first got together with your (now) ex. That alone leads me to wonder if, when you first met, he thought (and hoped) that your friendship had romantic potential, and found out that he'd misinterpreted things when you got together with your (now) ex. Hence the pulling away. If this is true, it's not that he doesn't enjoy your company -- he does -- but that he's wary of spending time with you, as he doesn't want to get hurt.

Obviously I don't know either of you or the specifics of the situation, but this seems consistent with his behavior. Is it at least a possibility?

As far as the whole phone thing goes -- I'd agree that if he's not a phone person that email might be a better medium for casual contact. Being able to respond when he's ready to, where he can get his thoughts together before stating something, may help. If you really want to know what's up, you're probably going to have to ask. If he ignores you... not much you can do .

Many INTPs do care about other people's feelings and NEED to know how they're feeling but since they don't know, wonder how they themselves should be feeling and reacting, which spirals into detachment or analysis-paralysis.

 

[Mad Hatter]

Many INTPs do care about other people's feelings and NEED to know how they're feeling but since they don't know, wonder how they themselves should be feeling and reacting, which spirals into detachment or analysis-paralysis.

Maybe it's quite the opposite. -
I think quite a lot of INTPs would very much like to understand people better. Most of the INTPs I know are really very caring to those few they have included in their 'in zone' (which can happen quite quickly if they immediately feel a connection) and try to empathise. But - that's not really where we are most skilled at. And assuming that he is an e5 (which I think he is) not being skilled at something makes us shy away from it.

It is well possible that he would very much want to talk to you [MENTION=7197]Antimony[/MENTION], but I think there is a distinct possibility that he in fact likes you so much he doesn't want to screw it all up and say / do something stupid. It's the joys of inferior Fe - it works just like a light switch. At times, there can be not even a trickle of emotion or going out to somebody, while at other times we can hose you down with (maybe somewhat clumsy but genuine) affection.
My advice is trying to drag him out of his shell. Many INTPs I know (including myself) actually secretly want that and are really grateful once somebody does that, but would be far too proud to ever admit it. Even if he sounds irritated on the phone or doesn't respond / take the initiative to call you, I would definitely advise you to keep at it.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

You mention that he stopped responding when you first got together with your (now) ex. That alone leads me to wonder if, when you first met, he thought (and hoped) that your friendship had romantic potential, and found out that he'd misinterpreted things when you got together with your (now) ex. Hence the pulling away. If this is true, it's not that he doesn't enjoy your company -- he does -- but that he's wary of spending time with you, as he doesn't want to get hurt.

This was the first thought that came to my mind.

 

[JocktheMotie]

He just seems disinterested, IMO.

I'd suggest trying to forget about him, because after 5-6 months without any contact, he's probably forgotten about you.

 

[Asterion]

I think he is an INTP 5. I am going to force myself. He makes me shy because I can't read and predict him, but I am going to call him today despite this.

[MENTION=6465]thealchemist[/MENTION] I'm not taking it personally, because I was unsure of whether to know if I should or not in the first place. I've never, ever been so in the dark about someone's opinions of things.

In order to find out more about him, I have to actually talk to him. It's been like, 5 or 6 months since he has responded to me.

Common interests? Reading, video games, and potentially theoretical things. Maybe I will dig up logic puzzles or something. Or just man the fuck up and call him.

If he didn't want to talk ever again, wouldn't he have said something? Maybe he's blocked me. /feeling uncertain

With 5s, they often set up mental barriers, they don't let other people in because they fear you will control them. If you know how they think/feel, they might purposely think/feel the opposite just so that they don't feel controlled. He probably only hangs out with those people because they turn up at his place, I'm pretty guilty of this too, the amount of people that I bump into all the time, and that end up at my house is enough social interaction for me and I don't feel the need to seek out more, I really like people though. 5s usually want to become involved with other people, you might just have to be patient.

 

[Kasper]

A little poke at INTPs. They want to communicate when they want to communicate but if you ignore them, they feel ignored.

Don't limit this to socially awkward introverts, I'm the same way.

 

[Riva]

Sigh!!!

I am so sorry you have to go through this Antimony.

I have the same issue with one INTP friend and another INFP friend. In the INTPs scenario the worries of him not replying may not be bothering me as much as they are bothering you. In the latter it is. I believe this is a common trait of young INxPs.

Anyway,

He's independent, and he probably talks to people when he wants to talk to them, and under no other circumstance. It's up to you as to whether you can deal with that or not, but it sounds like he certainly would not be good in a crisis. To me, he'd be one of those "I'll see you whenever I see you, I guess?" friends.

This is quite true regarding INxPs.
They are not the best at crisis situations and Never Ever expect an INxP to help you when you are feeling down. INFPs are supposed to be caring helpers, but caring helpers they are not when you need them the most.

INxPs are in my opinion are the most brilliant types when it comes to MBTI.
But at the same time are disgustingly useless when you need them the most.

 

[A window to the soul]

In order to find out more about him, I have to actually talk to him. It's been like, 5 or 6 months since he has responded to me.

Common interests? Reading, video games, and potentially theoretical things. Maybe I will dig up logic puzzles or something. Or just man the fuck up and call him.

If he didn't want to talk ever again, wouldn't he have said something? Maybe he's blocked me. /feeling uncertain

What are you trying to do here exactly? You seem lovestruck.

He just seems disinterested, IMO.

Possibly.

 

[Antimony]

I doubt he's forgotten about me. Based on my understanding, he doesn't ignore people he doesn't care for.

I'm going to poke until he tells me to go away. I think he takes some sort of pleasure in ignoring people for as long as he can.

And I'm not love struck. He is an interesting person and I like a good challenge. I'm just trying to get him to actually talk to me [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION].

 

[Mad Hatter]

I'm going to poke until he tells me to go away.

Haha I really love the way you phrased that But I think it's the right way to go about this issue. Are you able to see him in person, or is it just communicating over the internet? I think he could be really uncomfortable with texting / emails etc., and actually seeing him would make quite a difference.

 

[Antimony]

Haha I really love the way you phrased that

There is option A: I make him angry because all along he never wanted to talk. Well, it's his fault for not saying anything.

Option B: he finally talks to me (he usually picks up the first time I call) and I have a decent conversation with him.

There are other options for when he finally does respond, or doesn't, but those are the two I see playing out.

But I think it's the right way to go about this issue. Are you able to see him in person, or is it just communicating over the internet? I think he could be really uncomfortable with texting / emails etc., and actually seeing him would make quite a difference.

I could see him in person, but it would require planning. I don't go to school with him. He seems extremely comfortable in person, but if I can't reach him, I can't plan to see him.

The last time I saw him I was with my (then) boyfriend. That's when it stopped. So....I don't know if that says anything or if I am just making assumptions.

 

[A window to the soul]

I doubt he's forgotten about me. Based on my understanding, he doesn't ignore people he doesn't care for.

I'm going to poke until he tells me to go away. I think he takes some sort of pleasure in ignoring people for as long as he can.

And I'm not love struck. He is an interesting person and I like a good challenge. I'm just trying to get him to actually talk to me [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION].

Is he a student? Is he working? What's his situation?

 

[Antimony]

Is he a student? Is he working? What's his situation?

Student. Probably working. Uncertain of his situation given the time passed.

A phone call or text isn't the longest thing in the world. Plus, he is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met, and he is handling school well.

 

[A window to the soul]

Student. Probably working. Uncertain of his situation given the time passed.

A phone call or text isn't the longest thing in the world. Plus, he is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met, and he is handling school well.

I understand. I'm still examining the situation.

Is he in college? Do you live close to him?

Has he ever had any girl friends that you're aware of (platonic or otherwise)?

Any awkward flirting or conversations about when or how you want your lives to play out. (I know you're not lovestruck; valid question.)

 

[Antimony]

I understand. I'm still examining the situation.

Is he in college? Do you live close to him?

Yes, no. But I am in his area frequently.

Has he ever had any girl friends that you're aware of (platonic or otherwise)?

Ages ago, but he didn't particularly like them. I think he got annoyed by them because he would grasp at straws, basically, and date whoever came his way. It's been awhile to the best of my knowledge.

Any awkward flirting or conversations about when or how you want your lives to play out. (I know you're not lovestruck; valid question.)

Haha, awkward? Our flirting has always been smooth. We haven't discussed that sort of stuff, really.

 

[A window to the soul]

Yes, no. But I am in his area frequently.

Ages ago, but he didn't particularly like them. I think he got annoyed by them because he would grasp at straws, basically, and date whoever came his way. It's been awhile to the best of my knowledge.

Haha, awkward? Our flirting has always been smooth. We haven't discussed that sort of stuff, really.

Good. Good. We're getting somewhere. Did you breakup with your boyfriend? If so, does xNTP know?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like xNTP stopped communicating after he found out you had a boyfriend. Is that accurate?

 

[Antimony]

Good. Good. We're getting somewhere. Did you breakup with your boyfriend? If so, does xNTP know?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like xNTP stopped communicating after he found out you had a boyfriend. Is that accurate?

Yes, broken up. I don't know if he knows.

And he knew I had a boyfriend.

 

[A window to the soul]

Yes, broken up. I don't know if he knows.

And he knew I had a boyfriend.

I'm working on a reply, but I have to stop and ask you something else. Have you mentioned anything to him about the non-communication?