INTJ plea for help!

[jonatron5]

I fial to understand why I have come here of all oplaces for advice. Perhaps it is that I consult every source of information I can but I need help and I need it now. I am pouring sweat as I write this.

I am INTJ and yes there are advantages to having this type but if I could I would trade it for ANY of the extroverted types. How I wish I could just forget higher level thought and go with the crowd. Alas INTJ seems to be my blessing or curse.

THis article is aimed at all extroverts. HOw do you do it?

Anytime I am in a social situation other then with my close personal friends I sweat extremly I cant speak I can only think of how much of a fuck up I am and how I cant handle something simple as conversation without embarresing myself. Due to this I have become reserved quiet distant and no one knows who I am. This quite bad as I have never had a seroius girlfriend and that is my goal. I don't care if she is hot or not Im not like the assholes im surrounded by. I have but one requirement of her and that is she must have a mind equal to my own. SHe must be someone I can talk to on my level.Also preferably ashe must be someone who likes me for who I am not who I dress like or what I pretend to be.

So for this reason I pursued INTJ girls I figured That would be easyiest to relate too. BUT to my shock I found they essentially do not exist (especialy in my comunity). THen I began to expand on that idea and started thinking "Well hey maby I can change myself instead of waiting for people to change" THis opened up a whole new can of worms. That being that for the first time in my life I truly realised that no one knows who I am. I am not hated nor am I loved. Thats the worst feeling ever. To be loved is to be known, To be hated is to be known, To be not known at all after years with the same people well that just hurts.

I actualy had some slight success with this one girl SHe was by no means cute and no one wants her (bad family life but thats another story)she was enfp and loved anime and gaming (both video and rpg)so that worked well. Infact it was perfect. HOwever she broke my heart. 3 days before our big first date she said she was no longer intrested and quote " the new wore off of the relastionship" upon further study I found out that enfp's do have notoriusly short attention spans. And you can immagine what that did to me with the hyper sensitivity to rejection that INTJS possses.In combination with the fact that I was now laughed at by the entire school not only for dating someone who didn't meet there standards of outward beauty but I also had the misforturne of being rejectted by her.

I shared something with her about my introverted condition I feel I must share with the good people of this website if you are to truly be able to understand my possition. And don't take this the wrong way as I am not mentaly insane disturbed or depresed. She was suicidal (and probbably still is) so one day she asks me " Ever considerd suicide?" TO which I respond "not seroiusly" what I meen by that is if I were to do that which I would never but if I were to end it all, It wouldn't evan matter becuase no one would notice the diffrence whether I was enternally absent or present.(other then my family I have a good family) I also whent on to expand on this note and say that sometimes it feels like I have allready killed myself and this is hell. To which she responds " AWW but you have me right" SO I say " yes it feels like you are that one bit of happiness which will just be snatched away from me as soon as I grow to love it" [which is what happend!]

I am trying as hard as I can to break the social barriers inherint with intj personality type. Its like I can form this awesome plan about how to do it but then I phyisically can't get up the nerve to step up and do it. It is like a physical disability for me. TO all the fellow INTJS out there have you yet figured out how to break theses barriers if so how?

I am so damn lonely, and I am sick of it.

 

[Owfin]

Believe me, extroverts can often feel bad for needing external sources to channel their energy into. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I be independent?"

 

[mujigay]

Two way street, fella. I know a couple of extroverts who are always agonizing over the fact that they really cannot function without constant human contact. They're the kind of people went nuts if their mommy put them in time out back in grade school.

As far as breaking barriers go, it takes time. Don't expect yourself to be a social superstar after only a month or so of trying to do so. You say you sweat like mad; I think this goes beyond simple social awkwardness. Perhaps you scare people off with intensity? Maybe you need to learn to hold more things back. The sad truth is that most people just don't give a fuck, even if you're their friend, ninety-nine percent of the time they really don't care what your innermost feelings are.

 

[jonatron5]

Come on really no extroverts gonna respond at all?

 

[jonatron5]

No one realy????? well back to my little hellhole I call life then

 

[Anew Leaf]

As an introvert who has had to learn how to cope with being more social and extroverted with people... All I can say is practice helps a lot. Boosting your core of self esteem and confidence also greatly helps.

 

[guesswho]

Extraverts aren't necessarily social you know...
I mean I'm not that social, I actually get pretty annoyed by people who talk about people all day.

Sometimes I just listen to conversations people have and I think what the fuck? How can they talk about this sooooooooooo much. Who cares about the 4634653453 types of food you've eaten or about some stupid shoes or phones with 3464353 features.

Anyway, relating to people or lack of, may have many causes but who cares about causes right? As long as it doesn't change anything who cares why something happens.

I found one truth, beside from all the bullshit I heard about fitting in, connecting to people or whatever.


You need to force yourself, to get out of your so called comfort zone and challenge your fears.

Fuck your barriers up so that you never go back behind them.

There is comfort outside of your comfort zone, you'll just have to be exposed to a lot of discomfort before you find it.

It's all up to you.

Forget about any kind of labels such as: introverted, social anxiety etc.

There's just you and them.

And at some point you will merge with the crowd whether you like it or not.



I used to listen to this song when I felt alone and misunderstood when I was younger and was pissed at everything.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Extraverts aren't necessarily social you know...
I mean I'm not that social, I actually get pretty annoyed by people who talk about people all day.

Sometimes I just listen to conversations people have and I think what the fuck? How can they talk about this sooooooooooo much. Who cares about the 4634653453 types of food you've eaten or about some stupid shoes or phones with 3464353 features.

Anyway, relating to people or lack of, may have many causes but who cares about causes right? As long as it doesn't change anything who cares why something happens.

I found one truth, beside from all the bullshit I heard about fitting in, connecting to people or whatever.

You need to force yourself, to get out of your so called comfort zone and challenge your fears.

Fuck your barriers up so that you never go back behind them.

There is comfort outside of your comfort zone, you'll just have to be exposed to a lot of discomfort before you find it.

It's all up to you.

Forget about any kind of labels such as: introverted, social anxiety etc.

There's just you and them.

And at some point you will merge with the crowd whether you like it or not.

Listen to him. He's brilliance in human ENTP form.

 

[sleuthiness]

Fellow neurotic introvert, I have a few ideas.

If you're passing through a crowd of strangers, randomly offer high fives. I find that people usually respond with exuberance; some even pause to chat.

With more direct encounters, wear a pair of shades. They have a therapeutic, calming effect on my mind, like those stupid dog jackets.

It's like playing frogger for life, blip blop: hit the high scores once you start reflecting on timing, probability and technique rather than writing the sequel to the notebook.

 

[jonatron5]

INFP relating life to video games typical. But for real that is good advice. This is the stuff I need actual practical information not any of the above "oh your so wonderful,Lots people want to know you" bullshit if they did I wouldn't have this problem. I am trying the sunglasses thing for sure. Might even work up to the high fives thing. To everyone reading this comment this is perfect examples of the responses I am looking for

 

[Porcelain Hearts]

Make it about them, not you. By that I mean that if you're truly interested in the people you interact with and are kind to them without constantly relating everything back to *you*, things will probably improve (this is about giving I suppose). When you're knocked down and feel rejected, just brush it off (learn to interpret/contextualise rejection correctly) and get up and try to form a connection again, think positive...reward yourself for interactions that you feel satisfied about - try to really enjoy people's company (but it's ok not to sometimes too! It helps not to rely on external signals only to determine whether an interaction went well). Sometimes you don't click with a person, sometimes they're in a bad mood or feel anxious themselves and that's why interactions don't feel so great. Some people you can interact with, but can't really connect with that easily, they aren't always one and the same. Keep practicing till you've created new behavioral patterns in your mind. And give it time, lots of time. In the mean time explore yourself, get to know yourself (this isn't so self-evident for INTJs IME and helps with the boosting of your core self-esteem saturned mentioned and with supplementing the external signals with internal signals) and rest assured there are people out there who would love to get to know you, you're worth getting to know, having fun with etc.

Also my ESTP brother is far more extraverted, but also far less social than I am, so myeah.

Probably the best advice you can take. Extroverts have the ability to see the connecting thread throughout the social situation. Get to know a social group on a general level; where their interests are, etc. Also if you make fun of someone or a situation, it's usually something someone is thinking, but hasn't said. The elephant in the room suddenly becomes an inside joke within the group.

By the way, I just realised this is far too analytical for an extrovert to bother with lol "what's this, a psychology class?". Something we can take from them is to be in the moment. Don't brood too much in your head or you'll miss out on material you can use.