Why is 'Small Talk' associated with S Types?

[IZthe411]

Yeah ENFPs are good at talking at people, we don't even require a response. Thing is you might notice that it'll shift into a rant about politics or relationships or something real fast.

Yeah sometimes I'll put the phone down, go take a load of laundry out, fold it all, take it upstairs, put it away, come back to the phone, and she's STILL going. Now mind you, she could have been talking about my nephew when I put it down but somehow she's talking about pineapples. LOL sometimes she catches me, but I don't think she's hurting over it. She must know she got energizer bunnies in there.

 

[IZthe411]

Oh, man. Check, please! I would feel so put on the spot. I think you have to feel people out for what their actual interests are. If I were stuck at a table with someone I didn't know, and they were pumping me for opinions on controversial subjects or mining me for personal information, I would want to leave as soon as possible. I tend to look for clues as to the person's actual interests. Are they carrying a book or magazine? What are they wearing? What are they talking to others about? Sometimes small talk is the bridge to get to the actual areas of interest.

Now, I do hate a big ole 30 minute conversation that never moves on from small talk. When that happens, I'd much, much rather excuse myself and play with my phone or read a magazine. The conversation becomes work, with no real payoff.

I also don't get really deep with people I just met. It's too much of an energy drain unless there's an immediate connection. If we end up spending more time together, then I'll go deeper as I feel comfortable. I'm an sp, though.

THis comment reminds me of long plane rides. It's like a wildcard of who you're gonna get as a neighbor....lol. I had the best conversation on a flight to New Orleans with a native, and we got into good discussion about Katrina and the state of the area compared to before. As we were getting closer, circling the area to land, he pointed out some cool stuff about the area as well. We also talked about his miliary past...we didn't get deep, but the discussion flowed so well. I think it helps that he was definitely an E, so his willingness to go on kept me engaged as well.

Compare that to someobody who only wants to talk about their job. Having a professional gig helps when you are traveling since so many business people do it, but they seem to not be able to switch out of that mode. I think that's the worst discussion to have with somebody, unless what they do is actually interesting.

 

[gromit]

Oh, man. Check, please! I would feel so put on the spot. I think you have to feel people out for what their actual interests are. If I were stuck at a table with someone I didn't know, and they were pumping me for opinions on controversial subjects or mining me for personal information, I would want to leave as soon as possible. I tend to look for clues as to the person's actual interests. Are they carrying a book or magazine? What are they wearing? What are they talking to others about? Sometimes small talk is the bridge to get to the actual areas of interest.

Now, I do hate a big ole 30 minute conversation that never moves on from small talk. When that happens, I'd much, much rather excuse myself and play with my phone or read a magazine. The conversation becomes work, with no real payoff.

I also don't get really deep with people I just met. It's too much of an energy drain unless there's an immediate connection. If we end up spending more time together, then I'll go deeper as I feel comfortable. I'm an sp, though.

I can relate to almost all of this. It is fun and exciting when you click with somebody right away, but a lot of the time it builds up slowly. Also, I feel like that kind of relationship/friendship where you click right away can be pretty volatile.

 

[Thalassa]

Yeah sometimes I'll put the phone down, go take a load of laundry out, fold it all, take it upstairs, put it away, come back to the phone, and she's STILL going. Now mind you, she could have been talking about my nephew when I put it down but somehow she's talking about pineapples. LOL sometimes she catches me, but I don't think she's hurting over it. She must know she got energizer bunnies in there.

But sometimes I think it's WHAT a person is talking about vs. the talking itself. Like I could stay on the phone with my ENFJ bff or ENFJ sister for hours, but with my ESFP mother I often have the urge to put the phone down and just let her talk to herself. I also used to do this occasionally with my ESFJ ex because while we had some good conversations, he could go into "fact mode" and start spewing facts about something he was interested in, and it could be a rather excruciating experience like listening to my mother gossip about bullshit.

 

[Southern Kross]

Why is 'Small Talk' associated with S Types?

I really don't know who to associate it with other than 'not me'...

Just a question that I have asked myself a few times. It appears that any 2 human beings, in order to establish some kind of foundation have to feel each other out. That's where 'small talk' comes in.

As much as it irks me, talking about the obvious- like the rain that's got both of you wet, is not only the easiest, but it's all you have to go on until you have something else. Really, isn't it what you do with that opener to determine what's next?

Of course we all do it and its a necessary part of life. I just find it difficult because I really suck at the part of establishing a relationship and any attempts at doing so, make me feel disingenuous. Not because I necessarily believe small talk in general is affected but because I, personally, am distracted by the fact that don't entirely believe what I'm saying; I'm just talking for the sake of it, about things I don't care about. I just feel like a fake; like I'm pretending to be someone else in order to please others and it bothers me. I'd rather go straight to the in depth stuff - that's where I feel at home and most comfortable with talking about.

But I shouldn't complain. Its not like its anyone's fault (but my own) - I need to learn to accept it

 

[OrangeAppled]

I suppose the small talk gets associated with S's because they tend to notice the details of their day better so as to actually have something that isn't 'deep' to ask when confronted with a new situation, that requires small talk. It is a stereotype though, I agree.

This is what I've observed also. It just seems to come easier to them, even if they do not find it fascinating either.

S types can be more interested in the details though, the current happenings of life, and enjoy reviewing the current past & speculating about the immediate future. All of that is not even classified as small talk, but for me it's about the same, as far as not having much to say. It's not even WHAT you're discussing sometimes, but how you discuss it. The things I most like to discuss are sort of less time & activity oriented, for lack of a better description. It's not about yesterday or tomorrow or what I did or will do, but just ideas & concepts in general. I can do personal, feeling talk also, but that's its own category .

I've noticed with ESFPs that they will recount their day to you in detail & in order, which takes fooorever. There is often really no point. Sometimes the anecdote is funny, other times dramatic, but it could be shortened & have the same effect...
I notice when N types talk about their day, its summarized in less than a minute. In fairness to ISxP types, they're not as prone to such monologues of their daily activities. ISxJs do seem to like to recount what has recently occurred. There is purpose to this, just as there is some value in N speculation & conceptual talk, but a preference for a process can make a person lean a certain way in conversation.

Since small talk is necessary in establishing conversations and feeling a person out (what are they open to talking about?), it's not all evil, but I'm not skilled at it and being forced to engage it in for any length of time is not only dull, but draining.

I once walked into a coffee shop & this ENFJ I barely knew started talking to me about some scientific experiment on goats. That was her opener. I thought that was awesome. No weather talk, no pretense to be interested in how I am, just straight into, "What do you think about this concept?". It was not too personal or deep to be awkward either - because there is a LOT between small talk & personal, deep talk.

 

[Rail Tracer]

It depends what is the "deep" or "small" talk about. I can deal with either/or.

Example:
Asking very personal information about me right off the bat? To hell with that. This will only come if I trust you.
Talking about an experiment? Sure, lend me a bit of the information you've learned.
Talking about the weather.... ehhhh. Boring, but ok. Talking about specific weather patterns that is currently happening? Sure! (such as El Nino/La Nina and the North Atlantic Oscillation)
Talking about your day. As long as I know you, sure, just don't get into every-single-living-detail-you-can-remember ("this thing was this color".)
Talking about the latest happening, as long as it isn't about something like a celebrity breaking up with some other celebrity? Sure. Talk about new video games, technology, etc? Ok.

 

[ajblaise]

-What's the weather?
-How's your son?
-Did Katie get into that school?
-Crappy roads out huh?
-How are you? (not expecting a deep response)


I mean yea, small detail-ish stuff.... S types.

I can do small talk now though, I'm a lot better at it. And I add in palatable "large talk" and jokes. Jokes are like small talk.

 

[Poki]

^ Yeah, social niceties are what occur most on this forum. Talk is usually limited by the fact that no one truly knows another person. I consider most of this small talk. However, in disagreement with myself I also see that we aren't always trying to get to know someone, but understand a general concept so that we can begin to know how to know someone. We can avoid small talk because we aren't trying to get personal, just flesh out the different facets of personality theories, or psychology in general.

social engineer

 

[guesswho]

You can always be sarcastic in "small talk" when someone is stating the obvious. I can't help it actually. Stating the obvious is really amusing.

 

[xisnotx]

I'm good with small talk (either that or I don't know what it is). I ask random questions like
me: "Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of guys here that are eating by themselves?"
Him: "No"
me: "Well.. look around. In fact there seems to be only guys here. Most of the people here are guys."
Him: "Haha..that's because girls travel in packs. So either there is a big group of them or not"
me: "Ah..I see. Because we're the hunters. They travel in packs to protect themselves."
Him: "Like hyenas"

^Conversation I had today.

Also, if someone zones out I'll ask them what they were thinking about. I'm actually pretty aggressive when it comes to that. Answers like "Nothing" get rejected...

But yeah, when it comes to people I always have many questions about them. I just learnt to actually ask these questions instead of trying to answer them myself. This has led to many of surprises. It's definitely something I learnt though.

But, I might not be N. I'm fairly certain I'm ixtp though.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

^ That I think is a big issue. Intuition might try to assume answers.

 

[xisnotx]

^ elaborate?
I'll speculate about what the possible reasons are for something like the above to be true...I never reach a conclusion though (which drives me nuts sometimes)..but if there is someone else around I'll let them do the speculating for me because;
1) they sometimes think of things I'd never think of
2) some people seem to actually enjoy it
3) I have no idea what else to say to them

(haha, I realized I'm doing it now as well. I could think of why this is true myself, but since you're here I'll let you do the speculating for me..you might surprise me.)

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

When I think in my head I play out conversations with people that I wish to talk to. Whether it's an argument, a resentment I hold, or just a check up on how your day was going. Whenever I do that I try to speculate on how they usually answer and how their current day is going and so I think they might respond with something similiar to what they usually say, or a SSDD. In which case I don't inquire at all. It's like I believe that what I thought was correct, this is also my biggest flaw, one I'm now working on fixing. My N-ness can be all too presumptuous when acting along side with my T-ness. I immediately cut down the amount of possibilities I have to one. Admittedly sometimes I'm right, but I imagine I'm mostly wrong so I'm trying my best to inquire upon other peoples experiences. I don't think I'm all that unique in that respect. I'm too cocky.

 

[Redbone]

My ESFJ ex loves small talk. People will stop this man at random and just start chatting with him--it's crazy. And he'll egg 'em on with questions, "Oh really? So how did things go with the dinner?" Gah!

He would (and still does) come home and tell me about so-and-so at the job or this one called him and said "X, Y, and Z". I'm thinking to myself, "And I want to know this because of?" I'm sure he equally hates my style, too. He asked me one question about the evolution of the English language and he received a half hour lecture and a picture diagram.

I stink at it. Most of my so-called small talk usually ends up sabotaged by my inappropriate humor...I have a bad time with that. I try to keep my mouth shut in public but I swear that damn Ne....

 

[Thalassa]

My ESFJ ex hates what he calls "the stop and chat" but he can talk and talk away with co-workers, knows the gossip, and I remember having a serious talk with him about NEVAR NEVAR waking me up in the morning to tell me that J-Lo and Ben Affleck had broken up again. I swear to god he did that once.

 

[EJCC]

I have no idea why people associate it with Sensors, because in my opinion it's totally Fe. My parents are both Fe types (i.e. INTP and INFJ) and they tried to indirectly teach me Fe and it sort of worked? But still, for most of my childhood it would be like

Me: So I talked to my friend today, for the first time in a while.
Dad: Did you ask *insert small talk thing here*?
Me: No...? Why would I ask that?? It didn't even cross my mind.

 

[Synapse]

Oh, man. Check, please! I would feel so put on the spot. I think you have to feel people out for what their actual interests are. If I were stuck at a table with someone I didn't know, and they were pumping me for opinions on controversial subjects or mining me for personal information, I would want to leave as soon as possible. I tend to look for clues as to the person's actual interests. Are they carrying a book or magazine? What are they wearing? What are they talking to others about? Sometimes small talk is the bridge to get to the actual areas of interest.

Details, details. Why are there details. Which is why it seems I throw people especially when I talk to councilors, I seem so engaging and full of life. Yeah because its not small talk. Then I go out there and talk to people and I am so disengaged and bored though. It doesn't occur for me to say oh what books do you read, what movie did you see, what car do you drive, sounds lame. Unless I have to think about it and by then the other person gets bored and wonders why I am I silent and then its awkward and then I don't say anything. Its much easier for me to say oh hay you know the deep stuff except I consider that light conversation sometimes.

 

[Rail Tracer]

knows the gossip, and I remember having a serious talk with him about NEVAR NEVAR waking me up in the morning to tell me that J-Lo and Ben Affleck had broken up again. I swear to god he did that once.

This. Don't even dare make J-Lo and Ben Affleck's break-up to be some big news because I don't care. Honestly, I would yell at anybody who woke me up just for that or anything similar. lol

 

[Tamske]

Me: So I talked to my friend today, for the first time in a while.
Dad: Did you ask *insert small talk thing here*?
Me: No...? Why would I ask that?? It didn't even cross my mind.

This is totally me and my mom (ENFJ)! But add after that:
Mom: Because you should show interest in other people!
Me: (thinking) ??? So I have to fake interest? What if the other doesn't want to smalltalk either???

And my Fe isn't that bad either...

(Edit: don't worry, I love my mom and we are good friends; but there are of course differences between us )