• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Introverts, how often to accomodate your extroverted friends?

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
Disclaimer: I know Extroverts have to accomodate for introversion and the door swings both ways, etc. Anyways..

Introverts, how often do you accomodate for your extroverted friends? When do you say, "Okay, yes, I'll do this even though it's not my cup of tea.." and when do you say, "No. I'm done."

My ISTJ friend has no problem [read: after some convincing and running out of excuses] giving things a try. My Best friend though, INFP, will straight up say No. "C'mon, we can go to the beach!" No. I call her, no answer, no follow up call.

Disclaimer: I know there are relationships where the extrovert bugs WAY too much. I understand that. Don't post complaining about that. Anyways..

This is new grounds for me.. we're suppose to be best friends, but I'm starting to think she wants to hang with me every so often and that's it. She calls me when SHE wants to talk to me, but I can't ever get a hold of her when I have things I want to say. I've even caught her, a couple times, avoiding me at the door step when I knock. (Note: I didn't call her out on this.. but it made me feel like I was being a total creep somehow because of it.) I've gotten angry at her only 2 times in my life. Once over something dumb in high school, and I cried afterwards for yelling and apologized immediately. The other last year or so, when she was avoiding me way too much for comfort. I just wanted her to be honest with me, and she assured me it was definitely her and not me.

I do a lot of accomodating of her extremely introverted way, even when I see her FB post about hanging out with other friends. But.. I keep thinking, she doesn't ever really accomodate my extroverted ways at all.

So when do I cross the line and say something? When do I start to think she's not my best friend anymore? She knows everything about me.. but at the same time.. =( Im starting to feel like we're best friends out of time default.. instead of feeling that way because we're so close and connected.
 

Matthew_Z

That chalkboard guy
Joined
Jun 15, 2009
Messages
1,256
MBTI Type
xxxx
I lost all of my extroverted friends by not wanting to go out or anything, although I'm slowly gaining them back now.
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
Could you elaborate on how you're getting them back? Did you want them back, or did they decide to just put up with you the way you are? Did you find the imbalance unfair somehow, or felt offended that they would become friends with you for who you are and then try to make you do things that weren't 'you'? Details plz.
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
I'll go almost anywhere.. I'm just not going to behave the same as extroverts. I'm always down for going to the beach or lake, but I might float off in the water, regardless if there's a big group thing going on.. :cool: or I'll kick back on the boat and listen to people bullshit. I'm not a shut-in, I go places, but I'm not involved or invested in people in the same way. Often I need to gtfo myself and offer to get everyone to go out to a restaurant or a movie or something...But I don't constantly engage and participate in the conversation at the table.
 

Snuggletron

Reptilian
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
2,224
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
10
kyuuei, she probably doesn't mean any ill will towards you, although the status updates referring to her other friends might seem so. I will admit, however, that I generally only want to really hang out with like one or two friends in a given point in my life (exceptions being that other friends join us to congregate around an activity I like doing). Ones with similar interests that I know the time spent will be worth it for. Otherwise I'll avoid others or make excuses not to hang out if they only want to do something I wouldn't enjoy. Kind of dick-ish but whatever, just keeping it real.

I'll go almost anywhere.. I'm just not going to behave the same as extroverts. I'm always down for going to the beach or lake, but I might float off in the water, regardless if there's a big group thing going on.. :cool: or I'll kick back on the boat and listen to people bullshit. I'm not a shut-in, I go places, but I'm not involved or invested in people in the same way. Often I need to gtfo myself and offer to get everyone to go out to a restaurant or a movie or something...But I don't constantly engage and participate in the conversation at the table.

Your input sounds like an aux-Se thing. The only real shut in introverts I know seem to be IN's. Makes sense (I shut in too, feels good man). ISFP/ISTPs seem to like to be out and about even if they're not directly involved with what is going on.
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
yeah, i started thinking about that. i wouldn't know how to give advice about an IN. just give them good vibes i guess, maybe they'll come out ;)

hell, i might be one of the only Se's i know too. even in those situations at the lake or something, our boat might pass up some dudes jumping off a 30 ft cliff, and i'm like "stop the boat.." gotta do it myself. and everyone's worried and doesn't want to go with me :laugh: that's when i feel like an extrovert.
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Nobody asks anymore..
And new people in my life will eventually stop asking as well.

Of course if they offered something beside.. "let's get drunk"..
I might be more accommodating.

Ask me to go camping or canoeing.. Or bike riding , fishing.. anything but drinking and I might be game..
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I don't calculate how often I need to "accommodate" my friends - if I feel like hanging out I do, if I don't, I don't. This is probably why I only have a few (2 really) real friends now and many acquaintances - I don't have enough social energy for more than that. And of those 2 friends, one I live with so I don't have to arrange to hang out, and the other I see maybe every few months, though we're still close.

I think it's important to keep enough time for yourself, especially when you're busy with work and other obligations. From what you've said here, your friend sounds entirely reasonable to me, though it's sad that you aren't feeling as close. Perhaps you could try talking via email, so she can respond at her own pace? Or, arrange (with her) in advance a weekend or day trip somewhere fun.

I don't really like "going out" and I will usually say No immediately if I don't feel social, especially if I'm tired or cranky. Sometimes I'll let myself be persuaded, which half the time I regret later. It tends to help if it's arranged far in advance, so I can mentally prepare for it and also so I can't back out. It's always easier to agree to something "next week" than "right now!"

...and I don't blame her at all for not answering the door if you weren't invited (read the thread here on that if you want some insight - the overwhelming consensus was that uninvited guests are dreaded for most introverts).
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
Call me old fashioned, but when did you have to arrange an appointment to drop by someone's house? It's not like I do it all the time.. but every so often, I say, "Oh. This is hers, she forgot it. I'll drop it off." Or, how about when I got ignored because, "Hey she loves these! I'll buy them and drop them off on my way home!" It's not like I could get a hold of her via the telephone anyways to call ahead of time.

I understand dropping by and Sticking around. but usually, I drop by, do what I needed to do, and leave. If I wanna hang out, it's usually somewhere else aside a house hold (going out to dinner is my favorite activity with her where we can try new food and catch up.) but I don't think it's such a horrendous thing to knock on someone's door. Why bother having one at all? Put a gate up if you don't like people knocking on your door. It's what people do. Is it really such a burden on introverts for someone to knock and say, "Hey! Can I borrow this game/movie?"
 

Jeffster

veteran attention whore
Joined
Jun 7, 2008
Messages
6,743
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx
Of course if they offered something beside.. "let's get drunk"..
I might be more accommodating.

Ask me to go camping or canoeing.. Or bike riding , fishing.. anything but drinking and I might be game..

I totally agree. If I wanted to go to bars or clubs or parties that are set up just for drinking, I would probably have lots more friends. But instead I'd say I really have only one main extroverted friend** and I'm the one who tries to get HIM to go out but he's too whipped and doesn't want his wife to moan about him going out without her. So if she's not interested in going, then we don't.

** Not counting you, kyuuei, but you're a little farther away. ;)

So, anyway, I would be happy to "accommodate" extroverted friends if I had them, but I really don't.
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
It's difficult sometimes because I have trouble "keeping up" with extroverts and their high energy levels. Let's say that I have a day off work. Should I stay home where it's quiet and peaceful and re-charge my batteries (that's the same for us introverts as "going out and doing something really fun" is for you extroverts), or do I spend my day off doing something that will essentially drain my batteries - and then be at work the next day wishing I had taken the proper time to recharge like I knew I should have?

The reason I say it's difficult is because I want to "accomodate" my extrovert friends. And I want to keep them. I really do value them. But, when I run out of "juice", I'm not very much fun to be around. And I look into the future too. If I have a day off, but I know I've got a really long week ahead of me, I know that I should be wise and take the opportunity to recharge while I have it. It's not that we want to offend anybody (and we know it "looks" selfish and sometimes it is selfish), but you just have to look at it knowing that we have to take care of ourselves before we can be any good to anyone else. I know for me personally, when my batteries are drained, my fuse is extremely short. I'm not fun. I get really cranky.

When the batteries are fully charged, I have a lot of energy and can do a lot of things, but if it's a "high octane", high energy environment, it can deplete the battery kind of quickly (sometimes as little as, say, 2 hours!). Other times, I can go somewhere for 3 or 4 days with someone, provided that I have some breaks in the action here and there. It depends on how "demanding" the social environment is and also if I came into the situation fully charged or already on low.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
Hmm... I don't feel any real need to accommodate them. They do something I enjoy, I'll go. If they have a party, I am usually there because I like drinking with them... It isn't like I have to make any sacrifices. But I can be a bit of a jerk with different kinds of communication. I rarely call anyone, and I might not return a call. I am not in facebook, and I don't really like e-mail either... And yeah, when I lived alone, I really disliked the idea of someone visiting me without telling me first.
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
When the batteries are fully charged, I have a lot of energy and can do a lot of things, but if it's a "high octane", high energy environment, it can deplete the battery kind of quickly (sometimes as little as, say, 2 hours!). Other times, I can go somewhere for 3 or 4 days with someone, provided that I have some breaks in the action here and there. It depends on how "demanding" the social environment is and also if I came into the situation fully charged or already on low.

I don't really get that tired with people.. I mean, I do need kick it at home sooner or later, but this is one of the things I don't understand a lot about introversion/extroversion. Maybe in a way I find ways to be energetic or conserve even while I'm out and about. Like I said, I don't need to talk all the time. Or if I am at a party, I can just chill on the balcony with someone for awhile or might just take off with them, and then come back. I'm sure if I bothered with being around all the busyness, I'd get tired of it. That's not something I gravitate towards to begin with though.

Also, one to a few people definitely do not wear me out.. in a way, i love that more than solitude. i'm not that interesting :D
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Call me old fashioned, but when did you have to arrange an appointment to drop by someone's house? It's not like I do it all the time.. but every so often, I say, "Oh. This is hers, she forgot it. I'll drop it off." Or, how about when I got ignored because, "Hey she loves these! I'll buy them and drop them off on my way home!" It's not like I could get a hold of her via the telephone anyways to call ahead of time.

Hmm....and, see, this is so foreign to me!! I, on the other hand, don't even think of randomly stopping by because I don't want to disturb them if they are busy doing something. Perhaps this is more of an introverted response, however. I just know that for introverts especially, the random drop-by might seem intrusive. With your example of dropping off something your friend forgot, my method would always be to call the person, ask when an ok time would be to stop by, and then do it then (and they might very well say..'right now is fine!'..but at least I'd know that way).

Re. the OP, I feel I am pretty accommodating when it comes to doing things, but maybe it's not a big deal for me because I don't have a huge number of friends to begin with, I don't have a stacked social calendar, and so when I am asked to do something, I'm almost always 100% in. The only time I'd decline would be if I'm not feeling super well, or if it's something I KNOW I won't enjoy. But, in general I'm friends with like-minded people who share the same activities of interest, so the latter is pretty much a non-issue these days.
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Call me old fashioned, but when did you have to arrange an appointment to drop by someone's house? It's not like I do it all the time.. but every so often, I say, "Oh. This is hers, she forgot it. I'll drop it off." Or, how about when I got ignored because, "Hey she loves these! I'll buy them and drop them off on my way home!" It's not like I could get a hold of her via the telephone anyways to call ahead of time.

I understand dropping by and Sticking around. but usually, I drop by, do what I needed to do, and leave. If I wanna hang out, it's usually somewhere else aside a house hold (going out to dinner is my favorite activity with her where we can try new food and catch up.) but I don't think it's such a horrendous thing to knock on someone's door. Why bother having one at all? Put a gate up if you don't like people knocking on your door. It's what people do. Is it really such a burden on introverts for someone to knock and say, "Hey! Can I borrow this game/movie?"

Hmm....and, see, this is so foreign to me!! I, on the other hand, don't even think of randomly stopping by because I don't want to disturb them if they are busy doing something. Perhaps this is more of an introverted response, however. I just know that for introverts especially, the random drop-by might seem intrusive. With your example of dropping off something your friend forgot, my method would always be to call the person, ask when an ok time would be to stop by, and then do it then (and they might very well say..'right now is fine!'..but at least I'd know that way).
Maybe it's a cultural thing, too - I can see how welcoming people "just dropping by" would reflect the traditional values of the south more than the relative impersonality of the northern states and Canada. I don't think I've ever in my life had someone drop by without notice, except my dad on occasion, which feels horribly, horribly intrusive. Then you have to chitchat with them even if you'd much rather be hanging out in your underwear eating chocolates.

Likewise, I would never drop by without calling first to ask if it was alright, with the possible exception of if I was genuinely in the neighbourhood, had no phone with me, and had a real reason to drop by...and I would still feel awkward and uncomfortable about it.

I guess it depends on the culture you're raised in, though, and whether this is the norm.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
11,590
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I used to live with an INFP like that, we'd make plans to go out and I'd notice her still sitting on the couch when it's nearly time to go so I'd let her know there wasn't much time, she'd acknowledge that, a little while latter I'd let her know it was getting really close, once again she'd acknowledge it with a "yes-yes". After a while of no movement I'd have to ask "you're not coming are you" and I'd get a blunt "No". I'm one of the least social extroverts I know so I certainly wasn't pushing for attention or anything she just had a habit of avoiding the issue or being vague with it even though her mind was totally made up and wasn't going to change.

Several of the more reclusive and unpredictable souls I've known have been INFPs, with them it comes down to accept them as they come in that regard or bang your head against a brick wall. They have their priorities that may not consider the plans you want to indulge in.

Hmm....and, see, this is so foreign to me!! I, on the other hand, don't even think of randomly stopping by because I don't want to disturb them if they are busy doing something. Perhaps this is more of an introverted response, however. I just know that for introverts especially, the random drop-by might seem intrusive.

Yeah, I'm not cool with that. Don't even like family coming around unannounced and I love them and their company.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I'll go almost anywhere.. I'm just not going to behave the same as extroverts.

I pretty much go along with anything also, but I'll behave differently, and I'm likely to leave earlier than others (if I can). I don't have much fun in large groups, but I will go just to expand my social circle (I've realized how isolating myself in the past has really hurt my options in life). And if I can get breaks in conversation (where my mind can wander inward), then I tend to tire less quickly.

I say "yes" almost every time though (except lately, cuz I'm unemployed & broke). The thing is, I don't get that many invites; not because I turn them down, but because I don't initiate or call people much. I suppose I need to make more effort to keep in contact instead of passively waiting for others to do it. I'm just so content to be alone it doesn't even occur to me much. And I have some social anxieties that makes it hard for me to reach out to people.
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
It's difficult sometimes because I have trouble "keeping up" with extroverts and their high energy levels....

Maybe this is the army person in me talking, but I just (plz don't be offended) want to say stop being such a pansy when I hear things like that. Like, I don't understand the concept of 'regretting' what I do with my friends later just because I'm a bit tired or drained. If I NEED the time, than there's nothing that can be done. If I just simply want the time, which is usually the case, I have no problem giving that up for people. I just don't think people are as weak as they make themselves out to be when they say things like this. If people truly do have an HP/MP meter, than even when it's low they should still be able to fight the good fight. I'm not saying this has to always be the case.. I am saying that I spend a lot of time that I usually NEED from her alone when I truly needed to 're-charge' my own batteries.. I just ask for the same consideration in return. Seperate needing from wanting.

I don't really get that tired with people.. I mean, I do need kick it at home sooner or later, but this is one of the things I don't understand a lot about introversion/extroversion. Maybe in a way I find ways to be energetic or conserve even while I'm out and about. Like I said, I don't need to talk all the time. Or if I am at a party, I can just chill on the balcony with someone for awhile or might just take off with them, and then come back. I'm sure if I bothered with being around all the busyness, I'd get tired of it. That's not something I gravitate towards to begin with though.

Also, one to a few people definitely do not wear me out.. in a way, i love that more than solitude. i'm not that interesting :D

THis was a great post. Thank you. I'm not the most extroverted person I know either.. not by a long shot. But I do need company every-so-often. Usually I'm just fine either way--by myself or out with friends.

Hmm....and, see, this is so foreign to me!! I, on the other hand, don't even think of randomly stopping by because I don't want to disturb them if they are busy doing something. Perhaps this is more of an introverted response, however. I just know that for introverts especially, the random drop-by might seem intrusive. With your example of dropping off something your friend forgot, my method would always be to call the person, ask when an ok time would be to stop by, and then do it then (and they might very well say..'right now is fine!'..but at least I'd know that way).

Re. the OP, I feel I am pretty accommodating when it comes to doing things, but maybe it's not a big deal for me because I don't have a huge number of friends to begin with, I don't have a stacked social calendar, and so when I am asked to do something, I'm almost always 100% in. The only time I'd decline would be if I'm not feeling super well, or if it's something I KNOW I won't enjoy. But, in general I'm friends with like-minded people who share the same activities of interest, so the latter is pretty much a non-issue these days.

What you described is foreign to me. I feel like shit if I have to start treating a friend the same way I treat my doctor appointments. I mean, isn't part of the reason you become friends with someone is the whole, "I'll be here for you whenever you need me!" thing? Or does this translate into, "Whenever is most convenient for me" now a days? To me, the latter is how I feel when I have to start making strict appointments with friends. I'm usually good about making plans, I think they're better structured and I like planning ahead. But such rigid enforcement of them? To the point of feeling like even answering the door is such a grueling obligation? Ya'll make it sound like everytime someone knocks it's the IRS doing an audit.

I used to live with an INFP like that, we'd make plans to go out and I'd notice her still sitting on the couch when it's nearly time to go so I'd let her know there wasn't much time, she'd acknowledge that, a little while latter I'd let her know it was getting really close, once again she'd acknowledge it with a "yes-yes". After a while of no movement I'd have to ask "you're not coming are you" and I'd get a blunt "No". I'm one of the least social extroverts I know so I certainly wasn't pushing for attention or anything she just had a habit of avoiding the issue or being vague with it even though her mind was totally made up and wasn't going to change.

Several of the more reclusive and unpredictable souls I've known have been INFPs, with them it comes down to accept them as they come in that regard or bang your head against a brick wall. They have their priorities that may not consider the plans you want to indulge in.



Yeah, I'm not cool with that. Don't even like family coming around unannounced and I love them and their company.

My head's going to have a good dent in it then. :(

I keep hearing this over and over again.. How about if people USUALLY announce, but every once in a while stop by quickly? Is it still SO intrusive? Is it still such a burden for ya'll? That big of an annoyance?
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I keep hearing this over and over again.. How about if people USUALLY announce, but every once in a while stop by quickly? Is it still SO intrusive? Is it still such a burden for ya'll? That big of an annoyance?

With the widespread use of cell phones, I can't see any excuse not to give a brief heads up at least ("hey I'm going past you house; mind if I drop in?")....I need some time to shove my dirty dishes in the cupboards and throw some real clothes on (I'm usually in PJs when at home) :cheese:. I don't appreciate when people drop by because if I am not "prepared", then it embarrasses me; and let's face it, you're probably interrupting something.

However, I know this can be cultural. I think in the US, it's pretty customary to call first in most circumstances.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
11,590
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I keep hearing this over and over again.. How about if people USUALLY announce, but every once in a while stop by quickly? Is it still SO intrusive? Is it still such a burden for ya'll? That big of an annoyance?

What OrangeAppled said. Some people have a permanent open door policy where you can just drop in but many people see it as an intrusion, maybe they are a slob when others aren't around, maybe they like the free flowing feel of nudism, maybe they have a secret double life, maybe they have important plans that can't be interrupted... there's any number of reasons this could be an issue. Thing is, calling someone who has an open door policy isn't going to bother them, not calling someone who appreciates forewarning and privacy will.
 
Top