Introverts, how often to accomodate your extroverted friends?

[Spamtar]

Pretty much accommodated the Extroverts all my fucken life. I thought there was something wrong with me because I was not an extrovert. Later I thought there was something wrong with me because I stopped feeling guilty that I wasn't an extrovert.

I think I truly became aware I was an incurable introvert when I looked back to the low paying night security job (where all I did was basically kick it in the guard hut where I would study, read and watched videos by myself or simply stare out the window) I had while attending my later college years and decided that those years kicking it in the guard hut was one of the best times in my life.

Although there are the times I need to drum up my energy and temporary morph into an extrovert...I am nevertheless completely comfortable and happy to say I am now an unapologetic introvert who has no problem with saying..."naw I'm cool head on without me, I might catch up later."

 

[kyuuei]

Which still doesn't answer my question at all. My OP clearly states that, even at times she's perfectly capable of answering her phone, she will not, and will not bother to call or text back. So I'm just suppose to stop communicating entirely, is basically what ya'll are saying to me.

 

[Keps Mnemnosyne]

Mon, not calling is often done for the extrovert. Do you really want to talked to a tired and pissed off introvert getting off of work or a more relaxed introvert later?

 

[OrangeAppled]

Kyuuei, you're sure she's not blowing you off?
I can be bad about responding to texts/phone calls (because even if it seems I am not doing something important, my MIND is somewhere else, very much engaged). However, I will respond eventually.

So no, you should not stop communicating, but you may question if the friendship is growing apart.

 

[Kasper]

Which still doesn't answer my question at all. My OP clearly states that, even at times she's perfectly capable of answering her phone, she will not, and will not bother to call or text back. So I'm just suppose to stop communicating entirely, is basically what ya'll are saying to me.

Yah, I know

Maybe it's personal, but maybe not.

You can't force someone to socialise with you no matter how close you believe you should be. Is she just hibernating? Wanting a change of pace? Withdrawing because she has problems? Facing depression? There's any number of things that may be going on that have nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with her needing space from the world. If her behavioural patterns have actually changed there is a reason and introverts generally do not go to others to discuss what's going on.

Does she internet? With me, I don't answer my mobile, rarely respond to texts and don't like unexpected visitors but I can be contacted via email or the net, and family know I have to answer my work phone.

I don't suggest to stop trying to contact her, you're her friend, just give her some space.

 

[Spamtar]

Its a tough call. I don't call back a lot now. When I was younger I was pretty good because I thought being an introvert was being wrong.

Seriously, its like getting upset at a cat because it will not act like a dog. No need to burn the bridge just find some more friends. My best friend in college was an extrovert and although sad to see him move away I was also relieved because the friendship took up a lot of my time and it was tiring.

We however are still great friends to this day because at those moments when we were frustrated with each other we chose not to burn the bridges of our friendship.

Most often when I apply my advanced hiding techniques its not from one person but from everyone (unless its an emergancy or giving someone their special time because I have been neglecting them too much) so it is fruitless to take it personally.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Disclaimer: I know Extroverts have to accomodate for introversion and the door swings both ways, etc. Anyways..

Introverts, how often do you accomodate for your extroverted friends? When do you say, "Okay, yes, I'll do this even though it's not my cup of tea.." and when do you say, "No. I'm done."

My ISTJ friend has no problem [read: after some convincing and running out of excuses] giving things a try. My Best friend though, INFP, will straight up say No. "C'mon, we can go to the beach!" No. I call her, no answer, no follow up call.

Disclaimer: I know there are relationships where the extrovert bugs WAY too much. I understand that. Don't post complaining about that. Anyways..

This is new grounds for me.. we're suppose to be best friends, but I'm starting to think she wants to hang with me every so often and that's it. She calls me when SHE wants to talk to me, but I can't ever get a hold of her when I have things I want to say. I've even caught her, a couple times, avoiding me at the door step when I knock. (Note: I didn't call her out on this.. but it made me feel like I was being a total creep somehow because of it.) I've gotten angry at her only 2 times in my life. Once over something dumb in high school, and I cried afterwards for yelling and apologized immediately. The other last year or so, when she was avoiding me way too much for comfort. I just wanted her to be honest with me, and she assured me it was definitely her and not me.

I do a lot of accomodating of her extremely introverted way, even when I see her FB post about hanging out with other friends. But.. I keep thinking, she doesn't ever really accomodate my extroverted ways at all.

So when do I cross the line and say something? When do I start to think she's not my best friend anymore? She knows everything about me.. but at the same time.. =( Im starting to feel like we're best friends out of time default.. instead of feeling that way because we're so close and connected.

This sounds so familiar to me, Kyuuei, except reverse the whole people part; I feel like you feel except with my extraverted friends. So, that leads me to believe it's not a E/I thing at all, but a friend wanting distance thing.

I also have a bff that really isn't a bff anymore, (I still for the life of me don't know if she's e or i, esfx I think) and I still tried to think of her as my bff for years longer than I should have, because I just couldn't fathom that we weren't bff's anymore. I've let her go, for the most part, and I feel great about it (slightly guilty, okay, but a bit better overall) because we were locked into some patterns that we just couldn't escape from, and that ultimately weren't too healthy for me.

I don't usually recommend hashing things out at this point, just because I've tried it all lots of times, and with various friendships, and it seems to lead nowhere good, causes more hurt than it ameliorates, and can distract you into a zone that really isn't the truth; putting someone on the spot can make them say what they think you want to hear, because they simply don't want to hurt you. IF you've done something wrong, she will tell you. Usually what's happened is just years of stuff that feels heavy and burdensome. How to hash through that? You really can't. So, I recommend just following her lead and backing off. Mirror her interest, if you feel like it. See over time how it feels and what happens. You might find you aren't as bad off as you thought you'd be.

edit: Also, if she stays away emotionally, expect to grieve for sure (you probably already are, you sound angry, the second stage of grieving). Maybe over time you guys can find some niche for your friendship, and resume it in some way.

 

[Jeffster]

Here's one introvert that would love it if a friend dropped by my place unannounced. Nobody's done that to me since I was a kid. I think it would be cool. Nobody ever knocks on my door except the pizza guy or occasionally Mormon missionary dudes.

kyuuei, feel free to drop by my place any time!

 

[woolgatherer]

I keep hearing this over and over again.. How about if people USUALLY announce, but every once in a while stop by quickly? Is it still SO intrusive? Is it still such a burden for ya'll? That big of an annoyance?

Like a couple of other people have said, I'm often sitting around totally unprepared to face the world (or one person). I sleep really late, I wear pajamas at strange times of day, my house is messy... even if you show up briefly you're still seeing me/my house like that. When people I live with have friends over I often spend that time hiding in my room. When I socialize I usually know at least a day ahead of time so I'm in that mindset, knowing that it's coming up and then getting myself ready that day.

I feel like shit if I have to start treating a friend the same way I treat my doctor appointments. I mean, isn't part of the reason you become friends with someone is the whole, "I'll be here for you whenever you need me!" thing?

If someone said they really needed me, that would make a difference. I would still want/need a warning, but I would gather myself up even if I were not feeling in the mood to be around people. That's if they were having some kind of crisis.

My friend often accuses me of being withdrawn or pulling away, and it really stresses me out. It's exasperating because that's not really the way I feel and it seems like I can never convince him otherwise. He's an introvert too though.

I have few friends and I don't think any of them are extroverts, so I can't really answer the original question. It does seem possible that your friend wants some space... or maybe she is in a depression or dealing with some big issues. I really hate making phone calls but I can always email... eventually. Or I intend to email and forget all about it, but that's not with close friends usually. I don't know what you should do. Being an introvert I don't think I would still be pursuing a friendship with her at this point, but that's not necessarily the best thing to do. Maybe you should ask how she's been feeling lately.

 

[INTPness]

Maybe this is the army person in me talking, but I just (plz don't be offended) want to say stop being such a pansy when I hear things like that. Like, I don't understand the concept of 'regretting' what I do with my friends later just because I'm a bit tired or drained. If I NEED the time, than there's nothing that can be done. If I just simply want the time, which is usually the case, I have no problem giving that up for people. I just don't think people are as weak as they make themselves out to be when they say things like this. If people truly do have an HP/MP meter, than even when it's low they should still be able to fight the good fight. I'm not saying this has to always be the case.. I am saying that I spend a lot of time that I usually NEED from her alone when I truly needed to 're-charge' my own batteries.. I just ask for the same consideration in return. Seperate needing from wanting.

It's difficult for you to understand the introvert's dilemma because you aren't one. Most of us (mostly the INxx's, IMO, not so much ISxx), don't need (or want, 90% of the time) to hang out. It's a different paradigm altogether from the extrovert. We are hard-wired differently. We don't need a lot of attention or interaction. We're perfectly content being by ourselves most of the time. We need people in our lives, but to a much lesser degree. It's all relative, like everything else in life. You like lots of pepper on your salad, I just like a dash of it. It is what it is.

I try to tell extroverts to totally turn upside down their whole idea of "being around people." Just imagine it like this: every time you have a desire to be around people, that's about how often INxx's will want to be alone. And the amount of time you like spending by yourself is more like the amount of time we want to hang out. You can't "convince" an introvert that their ways are wrong. We follow our natural inclinations, just like extroverts do. That's what extroverts don't seem to get. We're not doing anything wrong (there's nothing wrong with us), we're just different from you.

Why do you always have to be out and about? Why do you always need attention? Why do you always have to have someone to talk to? Those things, indeed, are foreign to me. I don't need any of those things 95% of the time and I don't understand people who just have to have it - constantly. But, I try to understand them. I try to put myself in their shoes and say, "Well, that's just who they are. That's them!"

 

[kyuuei]

Thank ya'll kindly for responses so far.. It's a lot of information to take in and think about.. I know it's hard to reply to something briefly summarized like the OP, yet actually very specific and detailed.

You can't "convince" an introvert that their ways are wrong. We follow our natural inclinations, just like extroverts do. That's what extroverts don't seem to get. We're not doing anything wrong (there's nothing wrong with us), we're just different from you.

Why do you always have to be out and about? Why do you always need attention? Why do you always have to have someone to talk to? Those things, indeed, are foreign to me. I don't need any of those things 95% of the time and I don't understand people who just have to have it - constantly. But, I try to understand them. I try to put myself in their shoes and say, "Well, that's just who they are. That's them!"

I'd never try to convince an introvert that their ways are wrong. I'm an ENFP for Christ's sake.. I don't think hardly anything is 'wrong' in and of itself. Wrong is situational with me.

I don't always need someone to talk to.. I don't always want people to talk to either. I just wish, the times I did want to engage with my best friend, she was available. If being in person wasn't necessary for people to bond, I have a feeling that not only would long distance relationships work out more, but there'd be a whole lot more of them. It's not that I ever doubt that she's my friend.. I just doubt how close she is anymore. If the probability of being rejected with no answer is so much higher than being answered, I'm probably just not going to contact that person anymore. This is a harder decision to make when it's my best friend, however.

 

[tinker683]

I'm usually very accomadating to my extroverted friend provided they understand a few things:

1) I'm emetophobic, so anything that involves a lot of drinking or something that involves a hell of a lot of motion (I get motion sickness) and you're going to get a big fat NO

2) If I have to work in the morning, then it can't be too late. (Currently too late for me is after 1am. Before or up to that is ok)

Otherwise, I generally go along with whatever hair-brained scheme my extroverts friends have come up with that particular evening. In fact, often times I would LIKE to go out and do something and nobody will respond. I'll post something on my Facebook like, "have the rest of the evening to myself, text me if you're doing anything as I wouldn't mind the company" which I think is pretty damned straight forward.

Nobody ever really responds to me though, and I'm always left feeling sad like, "Nobody wants to pway wif me "

As for friends dropping by, I honestly wish they would. When I first moved into my apartment I actually arranged my furniture in such a way as to maximize comfort for any guests I may have. No one's done so yet.

 

[The Outsider]

If a friend wants to hang out, I'll do it regardless of how I'm feeling.
A good friend also tends to drain me a lot less than a random person, plus the company more than makes up for it anyway.

I don't seek company myself however, and I'm also not inclined to change that.

 

[INTPness]

Thank ya'll kindly for responses so far.. It's a lot of information to take in and think about.. I know it's hard to reply to something briefly summarized like the OP, yet actually very specific and detailed.



I'd never try to convince an introvert that their ways are wrong. I'm an ENFP for Christ's sake.. I don't think hardly anything is 'wrong' in and of itself. Wrong is situational with me.

I don't always need someone to talk to.. I don't always want people to talk to either. I just wish, the times I did want to engage with my best friend, she was available. If being in person wasn't necessary for people to bond, I have a feeling that not only would long distance relationships work out more, but there'd be a whole lot more of them. It's not that I ever doubt that she's my friend.. I just doubt how close she is anymore. If the probability of being rejected with no answer is so much higher than being answered, I'm probably just not going to contact that person anymore. This is a harder decision to make when it's my best friend, however.

And so goes the E vs. I push and pull. It's just like the other 3 MBTI functions. N's find S's to be practical, simple, and straighforward. S's find N's to be dreamers and sometimes impractical. T's are too harsh, too blunt, sometimes complete jerks. F's are too illogical, too fluffy, maybe even needy. J's are set in their ways, structured, and inflexible. P's are wishy-washy and sometimes flaky. It goes on and on.

There's nothing pansy about being an introvert and not wanting to take your call. It's quite possible that your friend thinks its pansy that you keep calling and need to hang out so much. Not taking your calls is a sign that you might be pushing too much or asking for time when she's not willing to give it. I will always take the calls of my extrovert friends and if I don't want to hang out, I will say straight out, "I don't want to hang out today." It is my hope that if I say what I mean and mean what I say that they will respect my preferences and my decisions. If I continue to get pressure and if they are not accepting my "no" at face value (no definitely means no, in this instance, trust me), that's when I have to resort to things like not taking phone calls.

It's not that we don't value our friendships. Please don't misunderstand. We love our friends just like anyone else. We just innately have less desire for social stimulation than you do. It's just WAY TOO MUCH sometimes. And it's WAY OVERRATED a lot of times. When I tell my extroverted friends no, it doesn't mean I don't like them or don't want to remain friends. It just means that I don't want to hang out right now. And I might not want to hang out tomorrow either. And maybe not this coming weekend either. But, be patient, we'll get together soon enough. And you can be sure that when you guys do get together, your friend will have missed your company and will usually be really glad and excited to see you. You'll get the full benefit of her personality. You'll get the version of your friend that you love most. But, if you've been pressuring them and pushing them and trying to get them to be more extroverted, you're going to get a frustrated, short-tempered friend who is in a hurry to get home.

We introverts have our responsibility too. I don't want to put it all on extroverts to cater to us. It's just about understanding what makes us tick. That's all we want from extroverts. Try to really put yourself in our shoes. If you can't, then you'll always just think we're a bunch of pansies. We have a responsibility to get out of our shells more and to push ourselves a little bit in order to maintain relationships.

Just try to understand your friend. I guarantee she will appreciate it greatly. She definitely wants and values your friendship, but if it always has to be on YOUR TERMS, then we will definitely find a way to create the distance that is comfortable for us - even if that means shutting down the whole operation for a period of time (You can't conduct business if the business is closed). I've done that in very rare situations - when I'm being pulled in a lot of directions by a lot of people (work, boss, other groups I belong to, friends, family, etc, etc, etc.) - I just take 2 days off work and go to the beach with a book. Cell phone stays in the car (I'll check it before I go to bed). Go to a matinee movie by myself. Only 4 people in the theatre (Popcorn is on me, everyone. Who wants popcorn?) LOL, I'm going to do that next time! But, it's limited interaction with everyone. "One for Iron Man 2, please. Here's 20 bucks. Thanks!" Go to my favorite restaurant and get some food to go. Next day, just stay in and do some writing, thinking. No schedule, no demands, nobody telling me that I'm not doing enough of this or enough of that. Basically, leave a voice message. I'll get back to you. By the 3rd day, no joke, I feel like a million bucks. I'm recharged and ready to go!

Do her (and yourself) a huge favor and free her of "your expectations". Just let her be who she is and appreciate her for the person she is. She might disappoint you sometimes by not wanting to hang out or answering your calls. Don't take it personally. Take the bad with the good and appreciate her for all of her good qualities. This approach will go A VERY LONG WAY with most introverts.

 

[soft]

If a friend wants to hang out, I'll do it regardless of how I'm feeling.
A good friend also tends to drain me a lot less than a random person, plus the company more than makes up for it anyway.

I don't seek company myself however, and I'm also not inclined to change that.

me too.

i usually am down to do whatever with my extroverted friends. but sometimes they will want to do something like go to the beach, play basketball, etc, and i really won't feel like going, but i usually do anyways.

 

[kyuuei]

If I say I can't get someone to answer my call, I'm calling too much is the automatic assumption. Ya'll make me sound like some needy attention whore.. SO. Thank you for those that answered honestly and helped me with your input.. but I'm no longer getting the responses I was attempting to seek out.

If I really thought it was myself doing anything wrong, out of the ordinary, or something that could easily be corrected, I would have made (and have attempted to before) the adjustments necessary to see if that fixed the problem. I really don't think assumptions like "If she's avoiding your calls, you're calling too much" should be made. I wasn't calling my best friend a pansy, I was making the statement that introverts make just as many excuses to not hang out as extroverts do convincing introverts that don't wanna hang out to.. I made the comments to say, "The door swings both ways, I GET IT, I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my friend." My entire point of the OP is, "My best friend definitely still cares for me.. but we're grown apart, and it's entirely on her as to why. If you still cared deeply for your best friend as an introvert, what may be other reasons as to why you'd avoid him or her?" I haven't done anything to offend my friend, or done anything that she doesn't know me to do in the past... oh.. 18 years of friendship. I don't doubt she cares for me, but something else is creating a distance and I'm not sure what. So I wanted introverted opinion. This was not an open arena to analyze my actions, what I may or may not have done, what ya'll think is proper or not..

On my last phone bill, I called my friend twice in a month's time. That's two more times than last month, and one more time than the month before that. I Do Not Call Often. Usually it's also for small, minor things like, "Hey, wanted to see if you wanted to grab lunch while I was out and about", etc. So.. before I end up getting offended at everyone calling me attention needy, I think I'll close the thread out here. Again, thank you to those who attempted to answer. I did get some good input on the situation.

 

[Flutterby]

I have one extroverted friend that comes to mind, and I spent a lot of time with him because either he visited me at my house or I visited him at his house. If I had to go out 'out' to see him I probably would have seen him a lot less. So my suggestion - invite your friend to your house. Don't be pushy in your invitation, but do be friendly. Also if you make it clear that they can visit you any time and that you miss them, you may well see more of them than if you blow up at them or whinge at them. (Not saying that you did, I'm just saying.)