Personality Type that holds a grudge? and those who don´t.

[curiousel]

Which types are prone to be full of resentment? List 3.
and the least prone? List 3.

 

[Halla74]

I read a number of articles on forgiveness, one of them being a study about happiness in relationships. I posted alot of it here and will try to find it later.

In general, introverts take longer to forgive than extroverts.
The justification in that statement is thatextroverts live through experiences, they happen in real time, whereas introverts are more prone to "remembering every frame of the experience as it unfolded in great detail." Take the example of a car wreck, and extrovert will want to go out and drive later that day, while an introvert will hold onto the experience a little more vividly and thus be less inclined to get behind the wheel until they process the car wreck.

Now, substitute a hurtful experience for the car wreck. When people hurt you, it is possible to hold a grude against them, right? That is if you don't forgive them. Extroverts will be prone to wanting to bound off and have more experiences, and thus more prone to want to forgive so as to clean the slate and mover on, while introverts will hold onto the grudge a bit more.

If I am not mistaken, INFJ holds onto grudges longest, and is hard to offer forgiveness once hurt. I'm not sure of the other introvert rankings.

ESTP, ESTJ, and ENTP were the quickest to forgive someone.

INFJs also were those that ranked as having the lowest sense of overall marital satisfaction. Maybe that's because they are holding onto too much of the bad experiences from yesteryear? I don't know. These are just stats from a study I read...

-Halla

 

[Lux]

I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

However, to answer the OP, I would think it may be more difficult to let go of a hurtful event if the persons Si were strong.

 

[curiousel]

thank you halla74, do you know where I can find that study? who published?

 

[GirlFromMars]

I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

However, to answer the OP, I would think it may be more difficult to let go of a hurtful event if the persons Si were strong.

My INFJ mum doesn't hold grudges either. Infact, she's too much the other way most of the time.

 

[Kaveri]

I hold grudges sometimes.

I can also dislike someone so much that I never want to be their "friend" in any sense. A person that I used to date is in this category. I am friendly to him whenever I bump into him on campus, I say hello to him, but I would never be his friend again. If he happened to try and start a conversation with me, for one, I would just ask him to leave. I feel that I have forgiven him but don't want to have anything to do with him. Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Lightyear]

I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

However, to answer the OP, I would think it may be more difficult to let go of a hurtful event if the persons Si were strong.

Same here. I am almost not enough of a grudge holder. If someone hurts me I will first try to justify it by putting myself in their shoes (maybe they had a bad day, should I have said things differently etc), if that doesn't work and I start developing a grudge that feeling can be completely neutralized as soon as I see any sort of goodwill from the other person, for example if they say they are sorry, they make an effort to strengthen our friendship again, I realize I have judged the situation wrongly etc.

And if someone completely crosses the line they just get the "INFJ-doorslam" (which almost never happens), they have reached the point where I have come to the logical conclusion that I don't want them in my life anymore, but that doesn't mean that I have loads of angry thoughts about them or anything like this, at this point we are far beyond emotions, I have just made a rational choice to remove this person from my life.

 

[Dali]

I hold grudges sometimes.

I can also dislike someone so much that I never want to be their "friend" in any sense. A person that I used to date is in this category. I am friendly to him whenever I bump into him on campus, I say hello to him, but I would never be his friend again. If he happened to try and start a conversation with me, for one, I would just ask him to leave. I feel that I have forgiven him but don't want to have anything to do with him. Can anyone relate to this?

I get you; trample, really trample, on my Fi and this is where you'll find yourself. I'll be civil, even friendly, with you and I won't actively hold a grudge, but I'd just rather not be in your company again. I associate said person with a 'bad feeling'.

 

[Totenkindly]

I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

An interesting distinction here:

Are we counting "holding a grudge" as "acting on the bad feelings" (which might be the more practical definition) or as having enduring bad feelings in the first place?

Maybe they are two separate things. What I find interesting is that some types seem prone to actually not FEELING bad about the incident after a certain length of time while others still do.

For example, Si people are very apt to do what is appropriate in a situation, so if they have been taught to forgive and it is part of their value set, they will do their darndest to forgive.

But inside, from talking to my Si-oriented friends, it still eats and eats at them. They can wrestle for years over something. And in fact, I've seen it happen with IxxJ's as a group, regardless of S/N or T/F. My INTJ boss is sort of funny in that he takes stupidity or carelessness on the job as a personal affront in how he responds and can hold anger against people he sees as "enemies" to his work for years. To those who he does not view as enemies, he is considerate and gracious.

One of the worst grudge holders I've known has been my ESTP dad, oddly enough. He holds grudges for years; and if a friend or relative told him something he did not want to hear, he would stop speaking to or seeing them for long periods of time. (He has a brother he has not talked to or seen for at least a decade now, although the brother is open to it, based on things stemming from their early adulthood.)

On the other hand, my ESFP kid gets REALLY angry sometimes in the moment and does very hurtful things but after the event is over and done with, he totally is fine and doesn't seem to hold a grudge at all. He lives in the moment.

I don't know how P's in general feel or IxxP's, but I find I can't hold a grudge even when I really really want to and/or someone's hurt me badly. It just isn't in me; everything gets processed rationally in the end and whatever the conclusion is is what I have to follow in order to have peace. So it gets taken out of the realm of the personal into the realm of the impersonal. My energy gets pointed in other directions than holding grudges.

 

[Lux]

An interesting distinction here:

Are we counting "holding a grudge" as "acting on the bad feelings" (which might be the more practical definition) or as having enduring bad feelings in the first place?

Yes, I think acting on it is a good solid definition. If you act differently toward the person because of said wrong(s) while telling them they've been forgiven. I'm hesitant to include trust/lack of trust in the acting different camp, because you can actively be not holding a grudge against someone, but self preservation may make you unable to trust them until they "earn" it back.

Maybe they are two separate things. What I find interesting is that some types seem prone to actually not FEELING bad about the incident after a certain length of time while others still do.

This interests me as well.

One of the worst grudge holders I've known has been my ESTP dad, oddly enough. He holds grudges for years; and if a friend or relative told him something he did not want to hear, he would stop speaking to or seeing them for long periods of time. (He has a brother he has not talked to or seen for at least a decade now, although the brother is open to it, based on things stemming from their early adulthood.)

I think it would be hard to be like that. No offense.

I don't know how P's in general feel or IxxP's, but I find I can't hold a grudge even when I really really want to and/or someone's hurt me badly. It just isn't in me; everything gets processed rationally in the end and whatever the conclusion is is what I have to follow in order to have peace. So it gets taken out of the realm of the personal into the realm of the impersonal. My energy gets pointed in other directions than holding grudges.

I'm similar to that. With myself it goes: Feeling bad, finding reason it feels bad, asses who was wrong, decide if it even matters who was wrong, forgive/end. Stay reasonably happy .

 

[Totenkindly]

Yes, I think acting on it is a good solid definition. If you act differently toward the person because of said wrong(s) while telling them they've been forgiven. I'm hesitant to include trust/lack of trust in the acting different camp, because you can actively be not holding a grudge against someone, but self preservation may make you unable to trust them until they "earn" it back.

True. Then again, some people would consider that "holding a grudge" and others would not. (I don't, really.)

I think it would be hard to be like that. No offense.

None taken. He's a real donut sometimes. (He's not talking to me either right now. It's a wonder he has anyone left to talk to.)

I'm similar to that. With myself it goes: Feeling bad, finding reason it feels bad, asses who was wrong, decide if it even matters who was wrong, forgive/end. Stay reasonably happy .

it makes more sense.
Holding grudges locks you in the past.

I don't even know if "forgiveness" factors in for me as a conscious thing.
I just don't really easily lock people out.

My ESFP kid always boggled my mind, though. I could not understand how he could get SO angry with someone, then the next minute be totally fine again.

I guess the topic is interesting to me, coming from my religious background where we were always admonished to forgive and I watched various people struggle with what that meant for them.

 

[Lux]

True. Then again, some people would consider that "holding a grudge" and others would not. (I don't, really.)

I don't either. All human relationships take work. Some take more work than others. I think it is perfectly reasonable to forgive someone while learning to trust them again. It is a very individual and personal situation.

None taken. He's a real donut sometimes. (He's not talking to me either right now. It's a wonder he has anyone left to talk to.)

I love thinking of your father as a doughnut . In all seriousness it must be hard to be like that, being angry at people more than is necessary.

it makes more sense.
Holding grudges locks you in the past.

I agree completely.

I don't even know if "forgiveness" factors in for me as a conscious thing.
I just don't really easily lock people out.

I don't either, I have done it, don't get me wrong. The situation however, was... in all honesty the only option I had after a while.

My ESFP kid always boggled my mind, though. I could not understand how he could get SO angry with someone, then the next minute be totally fine again.

That is interesting to me as well. I don't usually feel intense anger. I am usually removed from it (which, I think is a defense mechanism, in my case.) If I do happen to be angry with someone, I have to take a step back and think about it.

I guess the topic is interesting to me, coming from my religious background where we were always admonished to forgive and I watched various people struggle with what that meant for them.

The topic is interesting to me as well. I'm not religious and I wasn't brought up that way, but still, forgiveness is something I have thought about a lot, over the years. People are so beautiful and fascinating to me. I love trying to understand them more, in every facet.

 

[Phantonym]

Holding grudges locks you in the past.

I absolutely agree with this.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

An interesting distinction here:

Are we counting "holding a grudge" as "acting on the bad feelings" (which might be the more practical definition) or as having enduring bad feelings in the first place?

Maybe they are two separate things. What I find interesting is that some types seem prone to actually not FEELING bad about the incident after a certain length of time while others still do.

For example, Si people are very apt to do what is appropriate in a situation, so if they have been taught to forgive and it is part of their value set, they will do their darndest to forgive.

But inside, from talking to my Si-oriented friends, it still eats and eats at them. They can wrestle for years over something. And in fact, I've seen it happen with IxxJ's as a group, regardless of S/N or T/F. My INTJ boss is sort of funny in that he takes stupidity or carelessness on the job as a personal affront in how he responds and can hold anger against people he sees as "enemies" to his work for years. To those who he does not view as enemies, he is considerate and gracious.

That is an important distinction. I'm not sure where I fall. If I can't understand what happened, it is difficult for me to let go internally, but also easy to forgive on one level and rebuild the connection externally. It isn't an anger so much as fear and concern because the person who hurts me could be feeling pretty awful to hold those ideas in their mind. It is hard to let go of the past knowledge of what appeared erratic behavior to me. It's not an angry grudge, but increased caution that can limit my ability to communicate. I often wish I could fix things that are outside my control in part because I keep revisiting if there is anything I could have done to prevent it.

I really hate conflict unless something can be learned from it. Maybe it could sometimes fall into a broad category of "grudge" when I need to retreat from people. I get overwhelmed by how complex they are in their communication needs and expectations. There is rarely a common meeting ground, and there is always a way to fall short in any communication attempt. Too direct causes failure, too indirect is flawed, focusing externally on reason as a common meeting ground only works with a few people since many don't hold that as important. Egos are complex and each individual lens distorted in its specific way. I regret so many interactions, but can't say it is resentment towards individuals, or resentment towards myself for being limited in awareness, as much as it is resentment towards the fact it is just so difficult to find the common meeting ground.

I can see how people could make the generalization of extroverts moving on more quickly, but I'm not sure. I think whatever types of people hold in their mind a way things are "supposed to happen" and project that expectation into a context they cannot control, but hold onto the desire to control it regardless, are going to be the more disappointed, grudgeful-minded. For myself I wish too much for peaceful interaction that embraces both reason and empathy, with reason being sails to guide the direction and empathy and genuine concern being the wind that carries the ship. If that is not reality, then why hold onto it? If people are ego based and conflict centered, then that is the material one must work with. Maybe there is a reason for the way things actually are, and something I can learn and grow from, but still I have a ways to go to really think that.

 

[Stanton Moore]

I hold grudges sometimes.

I can also dislike someone so much that I never want to be their "friend" in any sense. A person that I used to date is in this category. I am friendly to him whenever I bump into him on campus, I say hello to him, but I would never be his friend again. If he happened to try and start a conversation with me, for one, I would just ask him to leave. I feel that I have forgiven him but don't want to have anything to do with him. Can anyone relate to this?

I can relate. I've done this. I don't intend any hard feeling for anyone, but I'm done dealing with the crazytrain.

 

[Halla74]

thank you halla74, do you know where I can find that study? who published?

Will seek it on my hard drive.

I summarized it here once, I'll need a day or two to find it, but it's around...

Again, those are generalizations based on type, and not absolutes.

My wife is an INFJ, and although she does not have issue with forgiveness, she does "bottle up" hurt/pain/anger for prolonged periods of time, and that in itself extends periods of negative feelings towards others. Once she reaches resolution she is fine with forgiving...

 

[GirlFromMars]

I hold grudges sometimes.

I can also dislike someone so much that I never want to be their "friend" in any sense. A person that I used to date is in this category. I am friendly to him whenever I bump into him on campus, I say hello to him, but I would never be his friend again. If he happened to try and start a conversation with me, for one, I would just ask him to leave. I feel that I have forgiven him but don't want to have anything to do with him. Can anyone relate to this?

Yep, I relate for sure. But, if it's someone that I REALLY don't like (and when I REALLY don't like someone it's because they've hurt me bad, or hurt someone I love, or done something that goes against my values in general in a big way) I might not always be so polite. I'll either walk away, and not want to be anywhere near them, or I will just totally ignore them. Orr make it well known I don't like them, by being really "off" with them. But, most of the time I'll just be civial, but know that I'd never be actual friends with them. It depends really on how bad I think they've been for me to hold that grudge. With a few people, I refuse to be in the same room as them, so I won't even say hello. That is only like 3 people that I can think of though.

As far as which type is most likely to hold a grudge, I'm really not sure on that one.

 

[Spamtar]

As an INTP I find that I can have intense grudge feelings. To the point of thinking up elaborate (and often illegal) revenge fantasies. In general however I never carry them out.

As far as length of grudge I don't hold onto intense grudges very long. In fact as far as the powerfull ones or the ones involving friends and family they are quiet short.

There are however people that I just don't feel comfortable being around and if they do something to piss me off that is kinda of a contrivance of a reason to continue avoiding them. For those people in general I will give them a wide berth just to avoid even thinking about conflict or whether or not I will make attempts (and weighing whether those attempts will be fruitful or no) to resolve (not that many of them either but usually one or two in every croud).
In general I prefer a policy of long term harmony and preemptively try and avoid slipping into a long term grudge space which I find is about as worthless as dwelling on regret.

 

[VagrantFarce]

I can certainly hold grudges when I spend a lot of time alone, but when I'm back with others they can evaporate almost immediately.

 

[ayoitsStepho]

I don't hold grudges.
Do me wrong, I'll be mad and all but then I get over it quickly.
Its really not that big a deal to me.