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BULLYING: Personality type with a tendency to bully others? Type of the victims?

momof3

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I have a couple of questions for you all, as my 13 year old son is unfortunately the victim of bullying right now. He's a shy boy (ISXX), and it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up about the situation, but he's told me enough about some things that have been said to him to have me pretty concerned about it. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to assess the situation before deciding what to do, if anything. All I know at this point is that the comments that the bullies have made are far worse than anything anyone has ever said to me in my life! Breaks my heart! (of course it does, I'm ENFJ):cry:

My questions are:

Bully victims - "What are some things that could have been said to by parents/friends/teachers/etc. that would have helped it sting a little less?"

Bulliers - "What are some things that your victims could have said to you which would have made you back down?"

I know there are probably no magic answers here, but seems to be a perfect forum to at least ask! Thanks!
 

saltmineworker

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I was an INTP victim. Then I applied my logical side, attached a few combination locks to a piece of rope, and solved the problem. Before you judge, he lived. He didn't even have to go to the hospital. I just helped him to understand that I considered repeated bullying unacceptable, and that I was a goal orientated person.
 

saltmineworker

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P.S - This only worked in my case because the bully understood that retaliation would be very unwise. I am not aggressive ( this action was a result of many months of almost daily bullying.) I explained (after he was pretty much incapable of doing much) that I didn't want any further confrontation, and if he left me alone I would not be a factor in his life. A few years later in high school, I actually helped him in a class we shared.
 

Saslou

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I have a couple of questions for you all, as my 13 year old son is unfortunately the victim of bullying right now. He's a shy boy (ISXX), and it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up about the situation, but he's told me enough about some things that have been said to him to have me pretty concerned about it. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to assess the situation before deciding what to do, if anything. All I know at this point is that the comments that the bullies have made are far worse than anything anyone has ever said to me in my life! Breaks my heart! (of course it does, I'm ENFJ):cry:

My questions are:

Bully victims - "What are some things that could have been said to by parents/friends/teachers/etc. that would have helped it sting a little less?"

Bulliers - "What are some things that your victims could have said to you which would have made you back down?"

I know there are probably no magic answers here, but seems to be a perfect forum to at least ask! Thanks!

:hug:

I understand where you are coming from as my son (now 15) was bullied in both primary and secondary school .. I've tried it from both angles .. I've contacted the school and nothing changed, kid just scared my son by saying they'd get him out of school .. I've left it alone hoping the situation would change .. I've even contacted the police and was willing to press charges as the marks around my son's neck was horrendous .. My son now thank god is built quite stocky so no-one messes with him .. But it has dented his confidence .. My other son is quite sensitive and he last year got his nose broken by some bully .. Again contacted the police. I've begged them to move school but neither will as they have a few friends.

I think what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other .. My mum didn't know i was throwing pencils at some girls head at school (ie being a bully) .. Maybe a good suggestion would be talking to your child, asking if they would be happy to have a meeting at the school where all the parents can attend and talk it through .. Chances are the kids mum and dad don't have a clue as to their childs behaviour ..

It is heart breaking though :cry: .. At it's worst i was having a moral debate with myself as to if i could pay some older kid £20 to give the bully a good slap .. But i know that's not the answer.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
 

You

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ENFPs don't bully or get bully because they are always high.
 

Patches

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ISTJ for victim >_>

*cough* Personal experience. And that shit doesn't end at highschool.
 

amazingdatagirl

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I know there are probably no magic answers here
Difficult situation. While part of me agrees with saltmineworker, the reality of "zero tolerance" policies in U.S. public schools makes this type of retribution extremely risky. As a high school teacher, I was a tutor to a student who attempted retaliation after merciless teasing. It ended badly.

If relocating is not an option, at least find ways to boost your son's self-esteem. Even if he is not a super athlete, he may enjoy being part of a sports team. There are other organizations in your community that provide opportunities for young people to develop new skills and make new friendships.

Even if the bullying continues, it will be easier to tolerate if your son has friends and interests outside of school.
 

Patches

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Maybe a good suggestion would be talking to your child, asking if they would be happy to have a meeting at the school where all the parents can attend and talk it through .. Chances are the kids mum and dad don't have a clue as to their childs behaviour ..

The problem with that, is that most parents have that "My child would never do that" mentality. If you try to tell them their child is a bully, the parents will get defensive and call your son a liar most of the time.

Unless you get a school official or someone unrelated to your family to back you up and report that they saw their child engaging in bullying behavior... Even that may not work for some bullheaded parents.
 

Craft

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I was bullied(maybe) but I also bullied. My male INFP friends bullied, which threw me off guard, but I guess they had heavy TeNe. I think its easier to bully than to discontinue self from being bullied. Using this logic, one can derive stuff that they can derive more stuff from.
 

Betty Blue

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I don't know if this has been said befor but of the few pages i've seen in this thread, the premise seems to be that of physical bullying.
It appears that the majority of posts refer to E types bullying I types at school.
While this may be a fairly true generalisation it misses a huge niche in the bullying world.
That of the psychological bully, which i think would actually be more suited to some I types or infact pretty much any type...possibly barring isfp's who seem to just always look after people. (sweeping generalisation sorry isfp's)
I sort of bullied once or twice, and was sort of bullied once or twice (at school)
Relationships after school friendships/work collegues/so's usually contain some level of bullying, some severe.
 

You

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I'm not a big bullier. I was bullied a bit. I bullied a bit. All when I was younger. As I got older, just seemed stupid to me.
 

Serenes

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I suspect all bullies see their bullying as either deserved or not bullying at all. I think the kind of bullying ENTPs would be good at would be the ongoing public ridicule kind rather than the beating-up-for-lunch-money kind.

my brother is ENTx.. and he likes to joke about people openly or say hurtful things because he thinks it's funny (especially when it's in front of his friends). He's one of those people who thinks his thoughts are justified because these people 'deserve' it since they carry themselves a certain way or act a certain way... He thinks that because someone stands out somehow because of w/e (like how they dress, talk, act, etc.) that he has the right to say what he wants about them and apparently takes pride that although he's an ass that at least he's being truthful. So if people don't like it or are hurt by it, it's their problem and they need to change or stop being so incapable and such. (That's what he told me when I confronted him about being mean to random people). He doesn't think of himself as a bully, but thinks he's helping people by making them aware of their weakness and from that, will grow stronger :shock:.. so basically to him, if people can't handle what he has to say about them then it's their own fault & they need to build better walls. (He acted this way when we were kids, and still does now)

I had an ISFP friend that used to bully me when we were younger (more in a physical manner).. She had her personal reasons for doing so though, and as we've grown up she realized how she hurt people & apologized. She is a very nice person now.

I wouldn't say INFPs are necessarily victims. Bullies want to see a reaction, INFPs aren't generally very reactive. Personally, I have stood up for victims, but never really been a victim myself.

I've actually been a target of bullies quite a few times through my school years. I'm guessing it's from appearing/being Too Nice so they know if they were to bully me, I'd do nothing back. And it's true..... I don't really know what to do back since I'm a very passive person (I'm not very confrontational at all & don't really know how to protect myself since I can't really be mean/physical - just doesn't come easily)... But I knew bullies wanted a Reaction from me, so instead I tried to never react to what they did to me.. I acted as if it didn't affect me and still acted nice to them and friendly, laughed off w/e they said to me... so they then moved on eventually or sometimes even became friendly/protective of me(because I was nice to them) :thinking: yeah.. weird. ugghh I hate bullies

I think if you had a good group of friends.. you're probably less likely to get bullied though. Since the bullies may be intimidated by the possible group protection ;p and your friends could stand up for you of course. (I notice most of time I got bullied was the duration of when I did not have a close group of friends yet).
 
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Devil Flamingo

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Well, I'm ENFP, and I did some bullying when I was a kid (me and my INFJ brother, lol). Pretty sure we weren't ENFP/INFJ back then, however, so I see typing here as a bit of a moot point - for instance, he was definitely extroverted back then, and I was definitely introverted. Now that we're past adolescence, we've switched, and he's become more I and I've become more E. So unless we're talking about bullying as adults, I don't see the types having much applicability to bullying amongst children. :V
 

JoSunshine

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I have a couple of questions for you all, as my 13 year old son is unfortunately the victim of bullying right now. He's a shy boy (ISXX), and it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up about the situation, but he's told me enough about some things that have been said to him to have me pretty concerned about it. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to assess the situation before deciding what to do, if anything. All I know at this point is that the comments that the bullies have made are far worse than anything anyone has ever said to me in my life! Breaks my heart! (of course it does, I'm ENFJ):cry:

My questions are:

Bully victims - "What are some things that could have been said to by parents/friends/teachers/etc. that would have helped it sting a little less?"

Bulliers - "What are some things that your victims could have said to you which would have made you back down?"

I know there are probably no magic answers here, but seems to be a perfect forum to at least ask! Thanks!

Hummm...I bullied bullies. Anytime I saw someone getting bullied, I promptly got the bullies to back down. I think it all started because my sister got bullied relentlessly and I was always coming to her rescue. The best way to describe how I got them to back down is by watching this clip:

[YOUTUBE="2GMYjO6CTq0"]Scene from I Love You Man[/YOUTUBE]

Of course that is a funny example, but basically, if someone gets big you have get bigger. The thing is, once a pattern of bullying is established, I think it is hard to break the pattern. You almost have to start fresh and nip it in the bud the first time. I think that bullies hone in on "easy pray". The trick is to not be easy pray or to surround yourself with people who will protect you if you can't protect yourself.

I'm sorry about your situation. Even as a kid it broke my heart to see my sister getting bullied. It still makes me sad to think about it. Good luck!
 

Athenian200

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That again depends individually. I've never been bullied in my whole life because I've always been above it. I've never been a bully either. If you don't let people get to you, then they have nothing to intimidate you with.

I agree with this.

It's not that no one ever tried to bully me, but it's more that I found that one of two methods always took care of it. The first was simply to ignore them. A lot of them wanted attention, and if I didn't give it to them, they'd move on. As for the others, I just found some way to intimidate them back, and let them know that I didn't have a lot of patience for that behavior. One of those two methods always worked.

Although, I would say that some types are more inclined to bully than others. I'd say ESTx types are the most inclined to do so, at least when it comes to physical bullying. Other types would probably be more into manipulation, revenge, and mind games with bullying.
 

DiscoBiscuit

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Bullies aren't real big fans of a little game I like to call "Find the teeth".
 

Patches

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That again depends individually. I've never been bullied in my whole life because I've always been above it. I've never been a bully either. If you don't let people get to you, then they have nothing to intimidate you with.

Emotional bullying maybe. But theres no way to 'be above' getting punched in the face. Through the course of highschool I experienced girls punching me, scratching at my eyes with their nails, pulling me to the ground by my hair, and kicking me while I was on the floor. I've had 3 girls beating up on me at once. Doesn't matter how much of a 'rock' you are when it comes to being resilient toward bullying. You can still be bullied.
 

Moonflower

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When I was in school, I was bullied a lot, and it seemed like the people who directly said things to me were ES** or ENT*. It would go something like this...

ESFJ - gossip, remarks based around my appearance/mannerisms/clothes, insults about my lack of popularity, often never said directly to me

ESTJ - insults regarding my intelligence, insults regarding my usefulness, insults regarding my lack of popularity, laughter at my clumsiness

ESTP - insults about intelligence, insults which were sexual in nature, throwing things at me, drawing dirty and insulting pictures of me, damaging my things, often earned laughter from his friends, also the main type that would actually physically attack me

ESFP - sexual remarks, remarks about my appearance/mannerisms/clothes, insults about lack of popularity, insults about clumsiness

ENTP - insults about perceived lack of intelligence, making me trip on things, trying to prove their wittiness to friends

ENTJ - like a mixture between ESTJ and ESFJ with a lot of emphasis on social status and competence/sophistication

I'd get it from introverts, too. However, introverts were most likely to just whisper or giggle/laugh among friends or give me looks.
The people who mostly left me alone were an ENFP (she seemed like the only ENF from what I could tell) and INTPs, as well as a few possible mature ENTPs, possibly some ISFPs. There were no other INFs besides me from what I could tell.
 
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