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How to communicate with an ExxJ

The_Liquid_Laser

Glowy Goopy Goodness
Joined
Jul 11, 2007
Messages
3,376
MBTI Type
ENTP
It's hard for me to lump ExFJ's together with ExTJ's beyond a superficial level. If I have communication problems with one of these types it is usually dependend on whether they are T or F.

ExFJ's are empathetic and tend to be good listeners, which is often not the case for some ExTJ's. On the other hand ExTJ's are pragmatic and don't take things personally, which is not always true for ExFJ's. I think there are different issues here.
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
14,794
Enneagram
8w9
On the ETJ side of things, the issue stems from clarity.

As ETJ's, we have a tendency to hold everyone to the standards we hold ourselves to. This often backfires on us, especially in social situations.

We don't like being out of our element (which is serious academic or fiscal business). Unfortunately, the skills required in one's personal life often do not overlap with those skills required in one's business life.

We take our no frills conversational attitude, and apply it to social situations wherein frivolity and small talk are the norm. Nothing good comes from this because, the tools we utilize make us give off an aura of not to be messed with, takes self too seriously, cold hearted, and often times over bearing. Everyone else sees these tools used and (as someone has already said) takes the motivation they would need to employ similar tactics and applies this motivation to the ETJ.

This assumption of ill intentions couldn't be further from the truth. The ETJ does not use these tools out of malice, they use them because they are the only tools in their toolbox. Often, I've been in social situations and felt awkward, unappreciated, anxious, etc. etc. However, I manifest these feelings through Te and get unfortunate results.

As the ETJ ages, they must continuously try to expand their awareness of themselves. If they don't, they can become self absorbed, and never end up developing the skills to soften their image.

What has worked for me, is trying to truly develop powerful listening skills. My desire to help people with their problems aids in this. Listening, is the first step to empathy, and if both parties are really listening to each other, most problems nip themselves in the bud.

When speaking with an ENTJ, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't mince words, don't hide your motivations, and don't assume they can read your mind. We don't always have the skills needed to decipher social encryption.

There is such a thing as emotional logic and boy is it beautiful and sexy as hell when it is properly deployed :wubbie:.

As an ETJ talking to someone else, just listen. And keep listening UNTIL THEY ARE FINISHED SPEAKING (I'm still a little bad about this but getting better). Most of our communications issues arise when we get impatient and jump to the end of the conversation to quickly, assuming many intermediate details which may or may not be true.

I don't know if this is on the right track concerning what OP was asking but I hope it helps!!!
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
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Messages
9,801
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I prefer not to, in other words...

I let them do the talking and speak as minimally as possible.
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5/8
On the ETJ side of things, the issue stems from clarity.

We don't like being out of our element (which is serious academic or fiscal business). Unfortunately, the skills required in one's personal life often do not overlap with those skills required in one's business life.

We take our no frills conversational attitude, and apply it to social situations wherein frivolity and small talk are the norm.
This assumption of ill intentions couldn't be further from the truth. Often, I've been in social situations and felt awkward, unappreciated, anxious, etc. etc.


When speaking with an ENTJ, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't mince words, don't hide your motivations, and don't assume they can read your mind. We don't always have the skills needed to decipher social encryption.

This is really good advice, people.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
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In my experience, they tend to be relatively crappy listeners.

Word to the wise, never give an ETJ advice, especially of the romantic kind.

:horor:
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
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INTJ
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In my experience, they tend to be relatively crappy listeners.

Word to the wise, never give an ETJ advice, especially of the romantic kind.

:horor:

Nah.

My wife is an ENTJ. She's quite receptive to all sorts of romantic counsel.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
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ExFJ's are empathetic and tend to be good listeners, which is often not the case for some ExTJ's. On the other hand ExTJ's are pragmatic and don't take things personally, which is not always true for ExFJ's. I think there are different issues here.
+1
 

murkrow

Branded with Satan
Joined
Jul 19, 2008
Messages
1,635
MBTI Type
INTJ
Okay obviously there's no point in me using this forum anymore.

Maybe 15% of the members read what I say.
 
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Lauren Ashley

Revelation
Joined
Aug 19, 2008
Messages
3,067
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INFJ
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4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
^I read your response. Good advice. Just because we aren't quoting you or replying to you, doesn't mean we're not reading. I'm just taking in all the responses; absorbing, assimilating. {This is probably related to your advice, but sorry, can't help it.}
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
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Okay obviously there's no point in me using this forum anymore.

Maybe 15% of the members read what I say.
[edit
Surely you jest, and realize the irony of your complaint.

:)
 
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entropie

Permabanned
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^I read your response. Good advice. Just because we aren't quoting you or replying to you, doesn't mean we're not reading. I'm just taking in all the responses; absorbing, assimilating. {This is probably related to your advice, but sorry, can't help it.}

You and your imaginery friend ?
 

JustHer

Pumpernickel
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
1,954
MBTI Type
ENTJ
In my experience, they tend to be relatively crappy listeners.

Word to the wise, never give an ETJ advice, especially of the romantic kind.

:horor:

Do you think that you might be talking too much about relatively meaningless things to them then? A lot of people won't listen if they don't think you are contributing anything worthwhile to the conversation.


As for romantic advice, I really love that stuff, especially due to my super inferior feeling abilities. Unfortunately, people are often telling me things that are either incredibly painfully obvious and irrelevant, or giving me advice based on their past experiences and their own feelings which I know are highly irrelevant to my situation based on the person's type.
 

jixmixfix

Permabanned
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
4,278
Do you think that you might be talking too much about relatively meaningless things to them then? A lot of people won't listen if they don't think you are contributing anything worthwhile to the conversation.


As for romantic advice, I really love that stuff, especially due to my super inferior feeling abilities. Unfortunately, people are often telling me things that are either incredibly painfully obvious and irrelevant, or giving me advice based on their past experiences and their own feelings which I know are highly irrelevant to my situation based on the person's type.

maybe you're [...].
 
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SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
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Do you think that you might be talking too much about relatively meaningless things to them then? A lot of people won't listen if they don't think you are contributing anything worthwhile to the conversation.


As for romantic advice, I really love that stuff, especially due to my super inferior feeling abilities. Unfortunately, people are often telling me things that are either incredibly painfully obvious and irrelevant, or giving me advice based on their past experiences and their own feelings which I know are highly irrelevant to my situation based on the person's type.
The only advice I can give is based on my personal experience, observation and, or research.

Whenever I talk to anybody, I make a strong effort to discuss things that pertain and are relevant to us both.

I only speak up in serious conversation if I think that what I have to say will add, not detract, that being the case, if someone unjustifiably devalues my input, I just metaphorically walk away, or let them have it, but usually with ETJs I just walk away, too much effort with very little reward, ime.

:)
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
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Do you think that you might be talking too much about relatively meaningless things to them then? A lot of people won't listen if they don't think you are contributing anything worthwhile to the conversation.

Quit playing with your jump to conclusions mat. :hug:
 
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