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How were you raised?

Metamorphosis

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Joined
May 9, 2007
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3,474
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INTJ
I was watching a video about the cognitive science behind political ideology and started to wonder about something.

1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.

or

2.) Were you raised by the idea that you should try to have as fulfilling of a life as possible and help others to also have this?

Please think before you answer.

and put your type if it doesn't show up under your name
 

Zergling

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Apr 26, 2007
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ExTJ
I think my dad was more the first and my mom was more the second. (Which does make sense in terms of influence, I'm kind of split brained in that sense today.)
 

niffer

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Apr 26, 2007
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sx/sp
Method #1. It sounds a lot colder and harsher, but I really believe that it was for my own good, and I would want to teach my children this way. Then again, if I was raised the other way, I wouldn't really care about all the virtues defined by method 1, would I?

Actually though, by being raised by either method, if you are raised well then the virtues of the other method should just come naturally.
 

runvardh

にゃん
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Jun 23, 2007
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8,541
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sx/so
Mommy's feelings are all important; one must listen to her, not annoy her, and not cause her image any taint. Failure to do so results in punishment of a nature she determines at the time based on frustration and energy level.
 

Usehername

On a mission
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May 30, 2007
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I'm an INTJ.

From my ISFJ mother, I definitely got option 1. Not super extreme, but definitely far on the gradient with option 1 and option 2.

From my ENFP dad, I definitely got the extreme of option 2. He is also why I didn't get super-extreme option 1 from my mom.

My dad said that when he was dating my mom and used to pick her up from my grandparent's house (my grandfather was an ISTJ extremely high ranking in the police force, every cop in the city would know who he was at the time) my grandfather used to say to him, "and what did you accomplish today?" and my dad said he was just downright baffled and had no idea what my grandpa was talking about the first time he asked it. (He asked every time he saw my dad, so he got used to answering the question, but really had no idea what he was even talking about.)
My dad, the ENFP he was (raised by parents who gave their kids all the space in the world to be themselves) said he felt like asking my grandpa what beauty he found in the world today and had no idea why he would value "accomplishing" something as if he was checking things off his list of "How to Enjoy Life".

This is where my dad started to recognize that people are really wired different internally. I really value that my dad was super extreme on this, because I think my mom caught on that her military-like household could do with some balance. But she is still programmed like my grandpa's house, so it helps to have the two extremes.
But it's also very difficult to live in the house with the two of them. The rules change depending on which parent is home and which parent is driving siblings to extra-curriculars and sometimes it gets really tiring trying to figure out what I'm allowed to do and always paying attention to who's in the house with me.
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
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my parents would use the guilt trip aproach whilel I was still in middle school and high school (they had a lot of guilt to inflict- I was pretty bad) but now that I'm older we have a don't ask, don't tell policy going on which means that we have the best relationship that I've had with my parents ever going on! (they never ask about my life fortunatly)

I appologize for any definite spelling mistakes- just got a break in work and school for the first time in weeks and had about 6 or more long island iced teas!)
 

The Ü™

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I don't know what I was, although I was definitely more related to Number 1.

I was basically punished if I was accused of doing something wrong. My reward was mostly that I was allowed to live...but I was never really rewarded for doing something good, only punished for doing bad. Punishment consisted of, yes, getting locked up in my room. My step-sister at the time was a tattle tailing c*nt with a lot of friends who followed the gossip going on about me. And my father and ex-stepmother believed the bitch.

I dunno, now that I'm an adult, I feel it's time I turn my father into a basket case. As much as I hate him, I don't tell him that, because he's still reasonably useful.
 

cafe

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I should be nice, good, polite, and pleasant. I should not raise any contrary opinions. I am an accessory and my presence is tolerated as long as I am a part of the entourage. If I am good, every once in awhile, my mother's attention will shine on me like the sun.

Grandma was more along the lines of Option 1, with all the be a good girl stuff thrown in. Grandpa was more like my mom.
 

Анка

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Oct 24, 2007
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INFP
I was raised by my father. He punished bad behavior and dismissed good behavior. When I did see my mother, I had to mother her.
 

Athenian200

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It was kind of hard to explain. I wasn't given any sort of artificial rules. It was like my mother never demanded that I do something, but just told me the consequences, and allowed me to decide if they were acceptable or not. For instance, I was told that if I didn't brush my teeth, my teeth would rot, or if I didn't bathe, I would smell, etc. Most of the time I would make the correct decisions, but if I didn't, the things that happened to me (like realizing how dirty I was) would compel me to make better choices. Also, my mother never made me do homework or go to school, but I had a pretty good awareness of what would happen if I didn't do those things, so I chose to, because I didn't want to end up working as a janitor or living in an alley. Although if for some reason I felt I needed to miss a day, I didn't have to pretend to be sick or anything, she just understood (although I didn't do that very often).

Basically, she taught me how to make proper decisions, and I decided to do so because I saw the reason behind it. There were no "because I said so" rules.

Looking back, I don't think that would work with most kids... but for some reason, it worked for me. Don't ask me why, though.
 

Ivy

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I've had some issues with my parents (mostly religious) but I think they really did a great job at the second one. They had high expectations, but they were not really reward-and-punish "we want you to succeed and if you do what we say, you will" expectations. They were more "You are a wonderful, bright, enthusiastic person and I know you can do whatever you set your mind to do." Thankfully they didn't really have a lot of ideas of what that ought to be- they responded to our individual strengths and encouraged us to pursue them as far as we wanted to go.
 

Vicki

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Jul 16, 2007
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????
#1 sounds like both of my parents.
my mom is an INTJ and was forgiving when it wouldn't spoil me.
my dad is INTJ and he seems to be #1 a lot. but he is so confusing.
they're are a lot of values and if I have a thought against it. that's not cool.
plus they're very surface, it doesn't really matter why you're mad or what made you mad and express it. you are supposed to act gentle and mannerly at all times.

I am, I guess, balanced, I notice traits in myself that are from all the different preferences. the profile of ESFP seems to fit, except I'm a little more organized that they are profiled. and I don't talk my head off.
INFP also seems to fit but I'm not passive.
I got a lot of T since both of my parents are T. I know that I express emotions at times, but I don't like it when other people show a lot.
I can't label a preference that seems natural for me except F.
F is natural for me! I guess it also depends on who I'm with. I fill in the blanks.

but I'm saying it's #1 because BOTH of my parents are TJ. (T_T) lol
you know, lots of set standards and stuff like that.
my parents are very similar.
 

Bethy

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Oct 19, 2007
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I should be nice, good, polite, and pleasant. I should not raise any contrary opinions. I am an accessory and my presence is tolerated as long as I am a part of the entourage. If I am good, every once in awhile, my mother's attention will shine on me like the sun.

This describes my childhood as well.

And the sunshine would turn into a roaring thunderstorm of rage if I slipped up by, say, getting bored and fidgety at a never-ending party populated entirely by unfamiliar adults. How dare I! I was supposed to chatter prettily and enthusiatically with every passing person, just like my mother did.

This really happened. I was nine years old. It would have been even worse had my ESTJ aunt not come to my defense and made my highly emotional mother realize that a restless child was not a blight upon her reputation.


So in answer to the OP, #1.
 

reason

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Apr 26, 2007
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I incubated in a pod for 18 years before emerging fully formed, and implanted with the knowledge of my ancestors. Y'know, like the first Star Trek episode with the Borg, before they decided it would be scarier if they assimilated everyone instead.

Growing people is just so last season.
 

Natrushka

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Jun 7, 2007
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.

1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.

I identify with this one most. However I also grew up with the belief that I could do or be anything I wanted. I was never pushed to be something or someone specific. I suspect that my drive to excel and succeed was my own, because my sister was raised in the same environment and we're very different people today.

I never felt judged by my parents, they never meddled or interfered - they still don't to this day. I used to think all parents were like this. Doh.
 

cascadeco

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1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.

or

2.) Were you raised by the idea that you should try to have as fulfilling of a life as possible and help others to also have this?

Out of those two choices, I really feel like I was raised in a #1 environment, even though it seems so harsh. Even if in my parents eyes they were raising me like the #2 option, they did not clearly deliver the #2 message. #2 was unspoken, if it was present. I perceived #1 a lot more.

I personally think I would have thrived a lot more w/ #2, because that is my personal belief system.

**Note: the below is just all the 'negatives' in my parents. They definitely have a lot of positives that I'm not writing about. But, I do love my parents, and I don't have any outstanding issues with them. I've pretty much come to terms with all of the below. They do try, they just have evident problem areas -- but, so do we all. :)

My Dad is most likely an INTJ and my mom is a rather highstrung ISxJ (although as a kid, she hid the highstrung part fairly well, most of the time). The thing is, is my brother and I weren't really problem children, so the punishment part didn't really apply. Although, I also learned at a young age that my Dad could be quite scary when you disappointed him -- he gets a condescending, impatient 'tone' to his voice (which he clearly got from his very intense INTJ father, who did the same thing -- so I can't really 'blame' my Dad for much, because he was raised in actually a much 'harsher' environment than we were, so my Dad was probably more balanced than his father was). The 'tone' is something all of us get annoyed with, and try to avoid. When I got older I'd sometimes snap back when he got 'the tone', just because 'the tone' to me demonstrated such a lack of...emotional maturity, or something. So I stopped being affected by 'the tone' - it simply made me angry instead. But when you don't disappoint him, he's quite the happy guy.

I also in general felt that my opinions didn't matter a whole lot. For example, I was quite good at the piano growing up, but 5 yrs into it, I really wanted to quit. The parents didn't let me quit, *because I was good*, so I had to keep playing another 6 yrs or so, and they finally let me quit at the end of my junior yr in high school. There was some resentment there. ;-)

And, I must have learned at a young age not really to express my opinions, because I never really did it, growing up. The times I remember expressing myself - in high school, in college, and a few times recently - I was told I was selfish, or was kinda patronized, like 'Oh, you don't know better yet...when you get older, you'll change your mind'.

Basically, I think my Dad finds me humorous/silly at times, but I know he loves me a lot. He takes pride in my accomplishments. He values my intelligence and achievements. But he gets very put out when I try to talk more about self-growth/personality stuff. When I was in a job rut about 3 yrs ago, and was really trying to seek honest feedback from my parents regarding my strengths, my Dad couldn't answer - he simply got his angry, impatient 'tone' and said: 'Well, you're not using your strengths in your current job!!'. Which made me upset, which made my mom upset. And he was so bothered by my soul-searching. I obviously touched a part of him that he doesn't have much easy access to, which is why he reacted so poorly. I don't think he ever even answered my question.

One could say my parents were never warm and overly affirming in my good *qualities* (although my mom had her moments, so of the two she was a little more demonstrative and sensitive) -- however, they were affirming in my accomplishments. So that is probably why to this day I have a confused notion of what my good qualities are, outside of intelligence.

My mom's role is to question nearly every single thing I do - and this started when I was young. So, I think I got a lot of my self-doubt from her constantly questioning me, and she has a way of guilt-tripping my brother and I about the stupidest things.

My brother has been hard for both of them to deal with and understand, because he was the opposite of me in many ways. I was the high-achiever, and he just kind of rode the undercurrents, although he's potentially much more capable than I am. They don't understand his lack of desire to 'achieve' anything..although have come to terms with it and are ok with it.
 

faith

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Apr 25, 2007
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408
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I was watching a video about the cognitive science behind political ideology and started to wonder about something.

1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.

or

2.) Were you raised by the idea that you should try to have as fulfilling of a life as possible and help others to also have this?

Please think before you answer.

and put your type if it doesn't show up under your name

It seems an odd way to set up the options; I don't see them as mutually exclusive.

Good behavior was expected as the norm and undeserving of rewards; bad behavior was punished. As a good person, I should try to help others have as fulfilling a life as possible; my own fulfillment was secondary. (That's what good people do, of course, and what is expected of all of us.)
 
Last edited:

htb

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May 14, 2007
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Y'know, like the first Star Trek episode with the Borg, before they decided it would be scarier if they assimilated everyone instead.
Borg babies in crispers. I remember!

My upbringing was similar to Faith's. I was encouraged, while accordingly praised and punished. There was, however, a wooden paddle reserved in a kitchen drawer -- illustrations on the paddle denoting it as the "board of education."
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
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Aug 13, 2007
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ENTJ
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They've always let me do my own thing. I always knew instinctually what was "bad" and "good", and I naturally did quite well at school and other things so I didn't need any push. So I raised myself, kind of? I reacted very badly to any standard placed upon me or any expectations to behave in a certain way and I didn't have any problem telling my parents that I knew better how I should have lived my life (yes, my mother says I've said this sentence when I was 4)
 

scantilyclad

almost nekkid
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Jul 31, 2007
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so/sp
I was taught that bad behavior should be punished, but i was never rewarded for good behavior, and i was usually a pretty good kid. I hated getting in trouble, so i never did anything bad.

My dad rewarded me for good grades for awhile, but then he decided that i should be making good grades with or without the rewards.
 
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