Why do opposites attract?

[proteanmix]

Hey I know your type now, I have been wondering for ages.

Just curious, what type did you think I was?

Believe it or not I can get "wound-up" upon occasion.

I just took the NEO-PI (Five Factor Model) yesterday and my neuroticism scores were crazy high! I need some grounding myself.

I think that is true, but I also think different people want very different things in their marriages. Some people might enjoy the challange of opposites and some people might want the comfort of the more similar. It is all good no matter.

Since my sis is an ISTP we've been forced to work out our differences or at least accept each other because we're family. In a romantic relationship, I don't think I'd do as well. Yes any two mature types can get along, but I think I prefer someone similar to me on at least two scales one of them being J.

 

[Sahara]

Just curious, what type did you think I was?

I see myself as really bad at typing people online, but I was so sure you were a T type as you seem so intelligent (not that F's are not, but that different type if you get what I mean)

 

[proteanmix]

I see myself as really bad at typing people online, but I was so sure you were a T type as you seem so intelligent (not that F's are not, but that different type if you get what I mean)

I get what you mean. I put more time into what I say online so I've thought it through more. If you meet me in person there'd be no doubt I'm a raging F.

 

[Totenkindly]

I see myself as really bad at typing people online, but I was so sure you were a T type as you seem so intelligent (not that F's are not, but that different type if you get what I mean)

<coffee-snort!>

Oh, I am so glad you are an F. If a T had said that, he or she would be dead here before they hit the ground...

The very first person I fell in love with (when I was in high school) was an ESFJ. This was 10+ years before I even knew what MBTI was.

I was madly in love, then fell out of love and was completely sickened by them because they wouldn't let go of me and I had to be decisive and brutal to regain my boundaries. (Feeling forced to be nasty left me with a few years of self-recriminations afterwards... uggh.)

In college, I also had another ESFJ fall madly for me. That was a love/hate relationship as well... Just awful. One moment I'd think I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life, and literally within about 30 seconds, they could do or say something that would piss me off so much I hated them and never wanted to see them again.

They finally got tired of the up-and-down and my inability to be captured by them, and they shoved me towards someone else so as to maintain control of the situation.

The closest extroverted type I think I could personally "fall for" would be an ENFJ, probably. No more ESFJs. Please. No.

I think there are just things that entice us because they are Not Us -- they are mysterious, they are Other, and we want to explore them because of that. Unfortunately, often we also have trouble dealing with them long-term because they are Not Us.

 

[Natrushka]

Re the OP: no, I don't think I have or could be attracted to my opposite. I only know one ESFP IRL so I can't be sure but I just couldn't have a serious long term romantic relationship with any P, period. Some of my friends are Ps, one of my great friends is a P, and she is always letting me down, but at least she's consistent about it.

 

[Ferrus]

Does it usually work so? I'm sure I read somewhere that most actually stay towards their own type. Which would make sense - if opposites attracted, INTPs and INFPs would be in great demand, whilst the hordes of ESTJs and ESFJs would be frustrated in finding suitable matches. All the evidence suggests this is not the case.

 

[cafe]

I think the first guy I dated was my opposite, an ESTP. It had some positives, but over all it served to cure me of the opposites attract malady. It's not that I don't or can't like them, I often do, it's just that I feel more connected to people who are more like me and the sailing is also smoother.

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

I'm ENTP and ladypinkington is INFJ which is pretty close to opposite. We both have common interests and values, so that definitely helps. On top of that though we both have well developed senses of humor, so we realize we are so different from each other and usually we just find it to be funny. It also keeps things interesting as there is always a sense of mystery.

 

[Nighthawk]

I'm married to a near opposite ... an ISFJ. We get along very well and seem to complement each other's weak areas with our strengths. I love her to death, but it is sometimes difficult dealing with the SJ's work first ethic ... as I am a play first type of person.

 

[substitute]

I'm not sure what my opposite is... I suppose in letter terms it's ISFJ, though actually I find INFJ's seem to be the most alien to me and ISTJ's the most annoying.

Outside of MBTI talk, I know that there's been a trend in the people I've had happiest relationships with, of them possessing some kind of quality or qualities that have enabled me to be more than I am alone. I guess it's part of the whole Ne flexing thing, where it's essential to have the right thing to flex against.

In which case, it's ENTJ every time. And I don't think I share any functions with them... so maybe it's true

 

[Shimpei]

I'm attracted to Ns, the rest is negotiable. A lot more depends on tastes, common interests, sense of humor, intelligence and moral compatibility.

 

[FDG]

I usually attract ISFJs and INFPs

and I'm attracted to the two types aswell, so there's no mismatching

 

[Arandur]

I'm attracted like a magnet to ESxx's because when I'm with them, I feel like I can open up and do all the fun stuff I wish I did of my own accord, but for whatever reason never end up doing. I always have a good time with them.

 

[Agnes]

I've just noticed that my best (girl)friend, even from primary school is ISFP and I am ENTJ, so we are complete opposites and it works Her boyfriend is even ENTJ like me. But I cannot imagine myself being with ISFP male. I guess it may work for ENTJ male and ISFP female, but not other way around.

Any thoughts on ENTJ female and ISFP male? just curious

 

[INTP]

compensation, but i think it needs some shared qualities as well or there is no common understanding about things or each other, or it might be one sided. But people vary on how much they need compensation vs similarity in the other person, also some study showed that type and gender effects which types end up together.

 

[Flâneuse]

I've read that ESTJ male/INFP female pairings are common, but I haven't found this to be true from my own observations. From what I've seen, INFPs are more likely to end up in relationships with other Ns or with SFs. Personally, I like balanced ESTJs and admire their practicality and clear-cut, efficient way of thinking (things I am horrendously bad at)*, but I've never been romantically attracted to one.
*Edit: Not that all INFPs are. Just some, including me.

I think of the ESTJ as being the INFP's behavioral opposite, and ISTPs as being their true psychological opposite because they have all eight functions in the opposite order. I've been attracted to ISTPs (then again, who hasn't?), mostly because of intrigue/mystery rather than a sensed potential for mutual understanding and connection. On one occasion it seemed to be totally one-sided, and on the other we had good chemistry on the surface but very little in common as far as values and ways of thinking.

 

[LadyLazarus]

I've only been in a relationship with an ENFP, which just based on type alone is not at all my opposite, but factoring in his enneagram(7w6) and instinctual variant(so/sx), it seems to be fairly safe to say we where opposites in that respect. He was extremely outgoing, whereas I used to be extremely introverted( I still am in that I enjoy spending/spend all of my time alone, but I know how to pretend to be an eSFP now when I need to.) He was very idealistic; I am fairly grounded. He was very enthusiastic and optimistic, I am much (MUCH) less enthusiastic and realistic(pessimistic).

So in many ways; he was my opposite.

In regards to temperament theory though; he would be my opposite as SP and NF are opposites within that particular theory(at least that's what I read somewhere).

As for socionics; I am unsure as to what his type is, but I assume it to be something most definitely not Se valuing, I think it could very well be ENFp, as I could really see that. Although, the thing about that, that wouldn't make sense is that then he would have been my supervisor(if I'm remembering this correctly?) but I was clearly his.

As I've grown older, I notice myself being drawn to Te doms and auxes, it's very odd but I find their reasonable nature to be appealing as well as just finding them so freaking confusing. I've noticed from my interactions with a few ISTJ's in my life; that we mesh well together, like we fill in what the other sucks at. They're actually some of the very few people, I can honestly say I enjoy spending time with. I also like being the only person "like me" in a relationship, I would never want to date let alone marry myself.

As for my other opposite(shadow) ESFJ's, I seem to attract them as friends(well "friends", more like acquaintances)but I don't think I get along very well with them; mostly because I find Fe very scary.

So, tl;dr I am attracted to my opposites(uses same/almost same functions in different order) because I want to be the only me in a relationship and because they help me learn new things by/as well as filling in what I am not good at.

 

[SD45T-2]

I've read that ESTJ male/INFP female pairings are common, but I haven't found this to be true from my own observations. From what I've seen, INFPs are more likely to end up in relationships with other Ns or with SFs. Personally, I like balanced ESTJs and admire their practicality and clear-cut, efficient way of thinking (things I am horrendously bad at)*, but I've never been romantically attracted to one.
*Edit: Not that all INFPs are. Just some, including me.

According to most of the statistics I've seen the ESTJ/INFP ratio in the general public is really lopsided, something like 5 to 1. So it doesn't seem like it could be all that common unless the female INFPs typically have relationships with multiple ESTJ males. Then again, I've heard statistics that roughly 2/3rds of men are Ts and 2/3rds of women are Fs, so maybe it balances out.

 

[OrangeAppled]

^ Most INFP women I've met in person were with ISTJs or INTJs. I see them with ExxPs sometimes too, especially ExFPs. I haven't witnessed any ExTJ & INFP pairing in person yet.

I get along pretty well with IxTJs, so those couplings are not hard to see. ExTJs are a bit more of a struggle, but I imagine for some that creates a good kind of "tension", and as an introvert, extroverts can seem very charming in the way that I suppose us introverts can be intriguing to them.

This is part of the opposites attract part, as well as desiring qualities they possess that you lack. Strengths in different areas can remove any kind of competitiveness, so each may feel admired by the other without having to do much outside of just being who they are to impress. In worst cases, strengths in different areas leads to difficulty in even appreciating the strengths of the other, as the area is devalued by the person not possessing that strength; sometimes this is what happens when what attracted to you to someone at first later becomes annoying or even insufferable.

Anyhow, online, I don't find ENTJs too appealing, but the few I've known in person seem promising, as in, if I met someone with such a personality who was also attractive, compatible & available, then it'd be a go. The latter is much more important criteria than type, but personality as a whole (beyond type even) is connected to the latter also. ESTJs are tough ones because I feel like even if they like me, they kinda don't still .