[Ne] INFJ needing help with an ENFP.

[volvicstrawberry]

Hello,

I'm looking for some help/insight into a problem I'm having with my ENFP best friend. For reference, I'm an INFJ. We have been friends for 8 years and for the most part we get along really well and have a great time together, but recently we keep on coming up against the same problem again and again, and it's starting to wear me down. Basically, it goes like this:

I meet up with ENFP and I'm excited to see them> at some point during our meeting ENFP says that I seem unhappy and like I don't want to be there> I say I'm fine and enjoying spending time with them> ENFP seems angry and agitated, replying to me with short answers> I become aware of this and try and be outgoing so they can see that there's no problem and I'm having a good time> I get home and ENFP sends me a text saying that I seemed unhappy, that this created a bad atmosphere and that I ruined their night/day/weekend> I feel anxious and deflated, like I'm being tested and keep coming up short and there's nothing I can do to change it.

In the past there has been a few times where ENFP has said "are you ok you seem quiet/unhappy?", but once I've confirmed I'm good they accepted this without question. Now it's happening with increasing frequency, and instead of accepting that there isn't an issue, they get annoyed with me.

Examining the times this has happened, I honestly can't see any changes in my vibe/demeanour that would set it apart from all the other times we hang out where we get along great and they tell me how much they loved seeing me. I think this may be something to do with Ne because my dad (who is an ISFJ) also misreads me and then becomes angry at whatever information he has picked up on- although it happens far less often than it does with my ENFP friend. I have never had this issue with anybody else- friends, partners, colleagues.

On Friday I drove two hours after work to see my friend. They are broke, so I took them out for a meal at their favorite restaurant to cheer them up. The meal was fine but towards the end it began- they decided I seemed withdrawn/moody and unhappy. I travelled two hours back and arrived home to a text from them describing the evening as a "flop".

Honestly, I'm just about ready to call this friendship quits. I'm suppose to see them this weekend but the thought of it makes my heart sink. I can't explain just how awful it is to feel like you can't do anything right.

Any help would be really appreciated, thank you for reading.

 

[Dreamer]

Hello,

I'm looking for some help/insight into a problem I'm having with my ENFP best friend. For reference, I'm an INFJ. We have been friends for 8 years and for the most part we get along really well and have a great time together, but recently we keep on coming up against the same problem again and again, and it's starting to wear me down. Basically, it goes like this:

I meet up with ENFP and I'm excited to see them> at some point during our meeting ENFP says that I seem unhappy and like I don't want to be there> I say I'm fine and enjoying spending time with them> ENFP seems angry and agitated, replying to me with short answers> I become aware of this and try and be outgoing so they can see that there's no problem and I'm having a good time> I get home and ENFP sends me a text saying that I seemed unhappy, that this created a bad atmosphere and that I ruined their night/day/weekend> I feel anxious and deflated, like I'm being tested and keep coming up short and there's nothing I can do to change it.

In the past there has been a few times where ENFP has said "are you ok you seem quiet/unhappy?", but once I've confirmed I'm good they accepted this without question. Now it's happening with increasing frequency, and instead of accepting that there isn't an issue, they get annoyed with me.

Examining the times this has happened, I honestly can't see any changes in my vibe/demeanour that would set it apart from all the other times we hang out where we get along great and they tell me how much they loved seeing me. I think this may be something to do with Ne because my dad (who is an ISFJ) also misreads me and then becomes angry at whatever information he has picked up on- although it happens far less often than it does with my ENFP friend. I have never had this issue with anybody else- friends, partners, colleagues.

On Friday I drove two hours after work to see my friend. They are broke, so I took them out for a meal at their favorite restaurant to cheer them up. The meal was fine but towards the end it began- they decided I seemed withdrawn/moody and unhappy. I travelled two hours back and arrived home to a text from them describing the evening as a "flop".

Honestly, I'm just about ready to call this friendship quits. I'm suppose to see them this weekend but the thought of it makes my heart sink. I can't explain just how awful it is to feel like you can't do anything right.

Any help would be really appreciated, thank you for reading.

I would absolutely avoid trying to alter your demeanor or feign whatever you think your ENFP friend is seeking out of your behavior. It’ll only come off as ingenious and as you’ve noted, tends to only make things worse between you two. My guess is, this only then leads your friend to pushing harder on you to try and “get to the bottom” of whatever it is they think you are going through, right?

Have you ever asked them, why they think you are unhappy? Try to get them to present tangible indicators as to WHY they are picking up “off” vibes. I will say, based off my own growth and development, the more mature I’ve gotten over the years, the less I took my readings of individuals to be absolute, and more as “indications”, to which I then seek evidence to support these readings. If you and your friend are young adults, I’d guess they haven’t quite reached that stage yet, and to where their ego is still tied to those readings.

 

[volvicstrawberry]

I would absolutely avoid trying to alter your demeanor or feign whatever you think your ENFP friend is seeking out of your behavior. It’ll only come off as ingenious and as you’ve noted, tends to only make things worse between you two. My guess is, this only then leads your friend to pushing harder on you to try and “get to the bottom” of whatever it is they think you are going through, right?

Have you ever asked them, why they think you are unhappy? Try to get them to present tangible indicators as to WHY they are picking up “off” vibes. I will say, based off my own growth and development, the more mature I’ve gotten over the years, the less I took my readings of individuals to be absolute, and more as “indications”, to which I then seek evidence to support these readings. If you and your friend are young adults, I’d guess they haven’t quite reached that stage yet, and to where their ego is still tied to those readings.

Thank you for your response. I have asked them why they think I'm unhappy, and the only answer they can give me is that I seem especially quiet and withdrawn, but I just can't see it at all?

Unfortunately, we're not that young (I'm late 20s, they're early 30's). In the past, they have accepted that I'm good if I say I'm good. Now they seem unable to accept that everything is fine.

 

[Dreamer]

Thank you for your response. I have asked them why they think I'm unhappy, and the only answer they can give me is that I seem especially quiet and withdrawn, but I just can't see it at all?

Unfortunately, we're not that young (I'm late 20s, they're early 30's). In the past, they have accepted that I'm good if I say I'm good. Now they seem unable to accept that everything is fine.

The bold above leaves me to wonder if they then, might be going through something and is unfortunately, permeating through to your interactions with them. Do you know if they take adequate time out for themselves to introspect on things? If they’re a busy body type of person, they might be overlooking this very crucial aspect, IMO, to an ENFP’s life outlook continuity. For myself, if I don’t allow that personal time on a somewhat regular basis, many internal thoughts and emotions can get muddled, and when my inner core is at all, “off”, my default first action is to assess my external environment to see if there is an external source for this inner confusion. Sometimes there is, but other times, it’s an internal issue, and it’s nothing some solid introspection and reprieve can’t handle.

I’m in my mid-thirties for reference. Hopefully my own experiences can help you and your ENFP friend, I do hope you both can come to a place where you are no longer emotionally burdened. Oh! Quick thought, have you expressed this, directly, with them before? If they know their actions are negatively impacting you, emotionally, it may help to get the ball rolling, in their court, towards introspection (if that is part of the issue).

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I wonder if they are going through a hard time and feeling badly and projecting it onto you? Maybe someone else is annoyed at them and they think everyone is? Maybe they are transferring something that is happening with someone else?

When a perception is off, I think there is a tendency for it to be true someplace: the past, inside oneself, from someone else, so that some sort of transference or projection is happening?

Talking about that might complicated things, so probably better to ask concretely about why they think you are unhappy as said earlier in the thread.

Edit: I might even give them something like say, "well I have been feeling tired, but I really enjoy our time together. I'm sorry if I seem droopy. I don't mean to do that."

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

It might even be a funny sort of unconscious sabotage. When people are afraid of being rejected, they can create a situation that results in it. Some people will express jealousy so much the person gets tired and does leave. This could be similar where they felt some fear that you don't like being with them so they press the point until it isn't that fun to be with them. When people feel afraid, they sometimes create their fears in order to have control over the situation. If someone is afraid you are going to get tired of being with them, they make it happen, so it doesn't come as a surprise. Expressing more often why you like being with them might help if that's it.

 

[volvicstrawberry]

You could be right about them going through something themselves and this is affecting their perception. They are most definitely stressed about work and some one close to them with health issues. I haven't expressed to them how it's made me feel because honestly, I didn't even know how bad I felt Friday night when I suddenly snapped. I think I will phone them this week and tell me exactly how it's affecting me. Thank you so much for your help!

 

[volvicstrawberry]

I wonder if they are going through a hard time and feeling badly and projecting it onto you? Maybe someone else is annoyed at them and they think everyone is? Maybe they are transferring something that is happening with someone else?

When a perception is off, I think there is a tendency for it to be true someplace: the past, inside oneself, from someone else, so that some sort of transference or projection is happening?

Talking about that might complicated things, so probably better to ask concretely about why they think you are unhappy as said earlier in the thread.

Edit: I might even give them something like say, "well I have been feeling tired, but I really enjoy our time together. I'm sorry if I seem droopy. I don't mean to do that."

I spoke to them today and they told me that someone close to them would use the silent treatment as a form of punishment, so they are sensitive to it. They weren't able to say why this had suddenly become a problem when I'm normally quiet anyway, but I've made them aware that it makes me feel I'm like being picked at and scolded and they have apologized. So, you were right on the nose!

 

[Lia_kat]

Perhaps it's something to do with how your introverted nature looks to this person? Meaning...for you it's normal behavior, nothing seems "off" etc. For them, being quiet and what they consider as "aloof" = unhappy and moody. This has happened to me with other extroverts. They can't read me or they feel intimated by my silence, and so they make assumptions about who I am and what I'm feeling without asking questions or getting to know me personally.
Only thing though you said you've known each other for eight years. I'm really confused as to why this person doesn't know your moods and personality after so many years of friendship? Especially if you're close?

 

[volvicstrawberry]

Perhaps it's something to do with how your introverted nature looks to this person? Meaning...for you it's normal behavior, nothing seems "off" etc. For them, being quiet and what they consider as "aloof" = unhappy and moody. This has happened to me with other extroverts. They can't read me or they feel intimated by my silence, and so they make assumptions about who I am and what I'm feeling without asking questions or getting to know me personally.
Only thing though you said you've known each other for eight years. I'm really confused as to why this person doesn't know your moods and personality after so many years of friendship? Especially if you're close?

I know, that's what has made it so confusing. It's never really been an issue for all this time, and now suddenly it is .