ENFP doorslammed by an INFJ. Is there any way to resolve it?

[sylvia_elsie]

on?

 

[Sacrophagus]

It is going to be long so sorry about it.
I met with him (INFJ) on the july 2019. We were so compatible, starting from the first date and although I've been in long term relationships before, I genuinely feel like I have never felt as understood before I met him.
However there was a problem, I was going away in 2 months for a 5 month period. We decided that we would spent this 2 months as good as we can as we didn't want to break the connection and then decide on what to do.
The intensity of my feelings for him in that short amount of time was making me quite anxious and he wasn't good at dealing with his own anxiety either. So there were times that we felt spiraling and dwelling in each others' anxieties talking about problems that we might face with, and they were... not nice.
At the end of it, we decided that it would be best if we give each other time in that period and then see how it will go after I return.
So, after I went there I immediately felt like that was not the best decision, after 2 weeks I tried to contact him to tell my feelings however he told me that the anxiety that he felt put his psychology in a terrible state and he feels triggered by talking to me. I decided to give him time but then he sent me a letter saying that he wants to keep the contact by letters.
I replied him in two weeks as I also was not in the best position myself, trying to understand what I want..
Then he never replied or gave me a decent explanation about why he decided to not contact me, only short answers saying that he was thinking it is best for him to not contact right now.
It made me feel awful but I couldn't stop thinking that he still had feelings for me, so our last three months were simply, me drunk texting him or calling him or asking for clarity.
After he gave me a very cold answer on new year, I told myself that I wasn't going to contact with this person till I return and then I would get the clarity that I want.
However, nothing happened after I returned, he didn't even texted me for my birthday or anything! So I sent him a letter saying that I feel confused and even if it's over I need to have a talk about it..
He texted really shortly and coldly.
I couldn't give up and texted him then, and then we talked for 8 hours and he told me how his emotional health was really bad and how he decided that we will not work out because we were not able to solve issues as we tend to dwell on anxiety and it will be an unsolvable problem for us.
I told him I only want to meet him one last time and it will be all over, he accepted and we met.
Our final date was quite mature, we talked about random things, joked around, gossiped. As I told my perspective and why I believed that there was a chance for us to work it out before he rejected me for certain, and apologized he went quite. Almost like, he was really sad about the way things unfold but he didn't even want to consider. He said, maybe I am being a coward as you said, but that's what I believe. I respect and get it.
Then he wanted to leave as he was in a rush. I told him, it will be the last time that you will see me, at least look at me. Then he hugged me tightly and he was crying, he touched my face like he wanted to kiss me but he said it was a bad idea. A quite dramatic scene happened and then we left.
He was telling me that I was his first experience of falling in love and a first attempt of an "actual relationship".
I don't believe his feelings are over for me, quite the opposite, I believe he feels so insecure and afraid that he rejects every possibility of a relationship, which makes me feel devastated.
It's been 3 days and I can't seem to accept his refusal, I am just craving for any excuse to contact him again and make him believe that there is a chance for us. And I truly believe there is.
What should I do now? I feel heartbroken as this relationship never even had a chance to happen and he is able to break it off so certainly.
Thanks for reading.
TLDR: I've had a 2 month relationship with this INFJ and we were intensely connected but then because of the circumstances I had to leave for 4 months. We decided to not contact and not become really successful, he said that our habit of dwelling in our anxieties would consume our potential relationship and stopped contacting me. We met for one last time and I seriously feel like he still has some feelings towards me but he doesn't want to address them, and I tried hard for him to do that.
I can't accept the break up and I am in pain. Is there any chance of resolval? What should I do? How will I move on?

Why are you tormenting yourself over someone who made the decision to move on without you?

Have some self-respect if you ever want him to desire you, but please move on without having him in your mind.
Respect his wishes too.


Look, it doesn't matter if he has feelings for you or not. It's over. Accept it with a fair mind and the pain will subside easily.

Take care of yourself. You will find someone who will love you completely, but love yourself first.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

That sounds really painful and I'm sorry you went through the ups and downs. You do deserve someone who makes time for you and is willing to work through things with you on a committed level with clear communication. Love is a verb... the feeling alone just isn't enough. Every time you go back and get close only to have him become wishy washy and disappear is a new heartbreak, and one that with repetition will diminish not only your ability to give and accept love in the future, but your ability to love yourself right now.

You are doing too much of the work and you deserve more. Having no relationship would still be more because this is draining your energy across multiple planes (mental, emotional, probably physical, etc).

I think you should spoil yourself for a little while with small luxuries (hot baths, good food, cathartic movies, time with friends, etc) and give yourself the love you are craving. Easier said than done, I know, but better than not doing and feeling unworthy and rejected indefinitely.

 

[cascadeco]

Why are you tormenting yourself over someone who made the decision to move on without you?

Have some self-respect if you ever want him to desire you, but please move on without having him in your mind.
Respect his wishes too.


Look, it doesn't matter if he has feelings for you or not. It's over. Accept it with a fair mind and the pain will subside easily.

Take care of yourself. You will find someone who will love you completely, but love yourself first.

I think pretty much this.

I am sorry you are hurting so much and really want(ed) to give it a go with him, and I understand that you are devastated. However it does take two, and your phrase 'making him believe' is a red flag for me. If he were on the same page as you, you wouldn't have to 'make him believe' anything. Anyway, I am sorry.

 

[Warrior]

I totally understand your pain. I have been in the same situation. And I have been doorslammed by an INFJ male friend of mine who is kind of an elder figure and I see as a father figure, howeer much he dislikes it. I know where your coming from. But you dont deserve to be hurting yourself like this. I know it hurts, and I know your wondering what if, but dont give so much weight to someone who clearly causes you pain, really! It's not worth it! I know it hurts, but he's just not worth it, and you deserve better than him. I promise you there are far better relationships out there, there are so many guys, really, I know it seems like the end but its not, youre gonna be ok, i promise. i believe in you. i believe you can get through this, but you need to give yourself the self worth to realize you dont need him and the pain from him. im sorry, but you just cant make someone reciprocate, but its not the end, i promise, youll forget about this. just treat yourself right, let go, allow yourself to cry if you need to, give time to heal, it'll be ok. im really sorry you went through this. i can feel your pain.

 

[Hermit of the Forest]

Sounds like he is in a bad place right now and is not in a position to give love or be in a relationship, even if he does have feelings. I’ve been in his position before and it is very unlikely you will change his mind or gain anything worth having from continued inquiries. You may even push him further away. He will only return if he really wants to.

There is a lot of good advice posted in this thread.

 

[sylvia_elsie]

Thanks for all the advice, hearing all these from strangers' perspective made me feel better. I can't believe that it hurt that much, I think I just really believed that this person wouldn't hurt me that much and it could have worked out.
I am trying to get rid of all these unhealthy "what if" questions in my mind and move on. I know I will be better eventually and I didn't deserve that treatment.
Thank you all again!