Nfs, how do you deal with your ST parents?

[cacaia]

Hello, all. I have just resurfaced from a very upsetting call with my ESTJ mother. Upsetting to me. She'll probably forget all about it by next week.
A little background...My grandpa is very very old, and all siblings ( two aunts and one uncle as well as my mom) are taking turns caring for him on a weekly basis. Lately, I've noticed my mom is harsh and kind of telling me how to run my household and how to raise my kids. I know her very well. This has nothing to do with me, it has to do with her stress over my grandpa.
Today over the phone, at the mere mention of one of my ENFP aunts whom my mom does not get along with, my mom lost her shit. I told her she needs to patch it up with my aunt. What followed was all this garbage coming from her about me not telling her what to do and that I am forcing my opinions on her, that she decides what she will do, and, my own personal favorite ( and the icing on the cake that left me crying like a fucking baby), "don't give me this American ' I'm here for you' crap, pseudo psychology bullshit!"
I hung up on her. Then, in tears, I wrote her a message that said " I love you and I AM here for you. No bullshit, but the truth."
But, in fact, she keeps breaking my heart. I have to be very superficial with her and not tell her anything important about my life, because she'll turn it into a psychological chess game. And, she's my mom. I am stuck with her in this lifetime. Surely we have a lot to patch up.
Does this seem familiar?

 

[Abcdenfp]

The controlling aspect does for sure and the dictation or disapproval unless your living your life the way they want you too. My sister and my parents get on way better than me and them both . Boundaries unfortunately are the only things that work and I try to take them in very small doses

 

[Agent Washington]

I just kinda accept that it's never going to be how I want it to be, or what it could be, but it is what it is.

You can't really expect to patch things up if she'll forget about it by next week. It's also not your fault, it's a massive miscommunication mess, so patching up feels weird. If superficial works, then go with superficial.

Maybe there's specific ways your mom cares about you-- see if she has a different love language or something and examine if you're definining closeness according to your love language and not hers, or something to see if that's the case.

 

[cacaia]

It is like trying to speak the same dialect, when in fact neither does, right? It is very draining.
TBH, if I did not have kids, my mother and I would never speak to one another. The bond is the children. So, I'm stuck in the situation of- do I save my heart from my mother's harshness, or do I continue to just accept that it will never be and suffer, while I allow my children to have a grandmother? Sigh. Life is never easy. Then again, this is how we learn...

 

[Luminous]

How does she treat your children?

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

My parents are ISTJ's.

Pretend you're talking to the cashier at the grocery store. Say it is sunny outside and that you might go for a walk or whatever. Don't tell her anything negative. If you slip up and get her advice, just say "thank you, I'll take it into consideration."

 

[cascadeco]

My parents are ISTJ's.

Pretend you're talking to the cashier at the grocery store. Say it is sunny outside and that you might go for a walk or whatever. Don't tell her anything negative. If you slip up and get her advice, just say "thank you, I'll take it into consideration."

There is some truth to this.

I have an ISTJ mom and ISFJ dad. Interestingly my father was always the one who was much more prone to giving advice, coming across as more patronizing when he viewed me as 'silly', and so on; my mom is merely much more anxious and prone to worry - but understands me better - I think she's always been a bit more well-rounded and understanding. She's not the advice-giving sort; she just gets worried and asks anxiety-laden questions.

But it used to bother me a lot when I was younger that I felt like conversations were so boring, and my dad especially is always so cheery and a 'How's the weather?' sort of guy. (I have grown to respect his many good qualities with time). But yah -- it's been a lot of my just accepting over time that our convo's over the phone will just be very chit-chatty. Too, I've learned not to get reactive like I used to, when I'd be annoyed at them for what I saw as nit-picking over tiny things or getting anxious over things I didn't understand why they were focusing on. These days I just listen, acknowledge what they say/ what their concerns are, and I suppose do what Grand Admiral Crunch said - just calm them by saying I'll look into it or simply telling them I've already factored that in.

 

[neko 4]

I'm almost 40 and still have difficulty with my ISTP dad. He's very self-absorbed and can be insensitive, and worst of all, rarely apologizes for anything, regardless of whether or not it was his fault. And it often is.

 

[Luminous]

I like the "thank you, I'll take it into consideration" advice too. Though that doesn't always get them off your back, I know. Because it'll be the same thing the next time you talk to them. I would say to limit your interactions as much as you can. You could try to write a to the point note saying why, but it might make things worse rather than better. I tend to fall silent in addition to the "thank you, I'll take it into consideration." I think that's actually gotten me somewhere, though it's taken years. Honestly, if she isn't good to your children, if she treats them this way too, maybe it's better for them to have less contact with her also.

 

[The Cat]

Slowly go mad.

 

[cacaia]

How does she treat your children?

She's ok with them, but authoritarian to a point they decide they only like her because she gives them toys 🙄

 

[Cellmold]

I throw my shoes at them, then beat the shit out of my dad because he's old as fuck, then I go on my blog and cry about it.

 

[LucieCat]

ENFP daughter to an ISTP dad. We get along great overall. We just need to communicate, establish when we're draining on each other, and keep each other's personalities into consideration. Fi can sknetimes cladh majorly with Te and Ti, so it's good to try to learn to see things from that prospective.

Then again, my dad is an extremely mature ISTP. YMMV with others of the type. It's hard to say, I can't say I've gotten to know any other ISTPs super well.

Many NFs can find the thinking types to be unreasonably harsh (or at least I've observed this), but many of the T types don't intend to come across as harsh or they really aren't as harsh as they might appear on the outside.

 

[LucieCat]

I've also noticed that EJs can, for some reason that probably deals with having a dominant Je function, can get obsessed with managing situations and doing things their way. This just sort of has to be tolerated from my experience with my ESFJ mother. If there's a better way, she's smart enough to figure it out on her own.

In reality, EJs mostly just want things done right and well. Sometimes they think they are the only ones capable of doing it. This can be frustrating for everyone in their orbit and lead to problems snowballing and things being misconstrued out of proportion.
When caring for their late mother, a mere suggestion from my ESFJ mom would cause her ESTP sister to freak out and assume the ESFJ was trying to control her. EPs tend to desire freedom of option and movement and thought. Plus, said aunt is not a mature, healthy ESTP at all. This got so bad that my aunt with primary power of attorney refused to put my grandma on hospice for several weeks when it would have greatly eased her suffering in the late stages of terminal illness. Both my mom and their brother were on board. But nope, since the ESFJ brought it up, the ESTP (who had primary power of attorney) was not going to go along with it.*
Albeit, if I had been my mom, I would've taken primary power of attorney because we all knew that she's the most competent person in that family. Well, by "we" I mean her husband and daughter.

*This is not normal ESTP behavior. This ESTP has a lot of issues. Most ESTPs as well as people in general can put aside a petty grudge to do something that will help a loved one suffer less.