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  1. #1

    Default ENFP...door slammed by an INFJ

    I am so devastated right now I feel like I can't breath. I have come a LONG way in self awareness, being aware of my tendency to b*#tch slap if I get pushed crazy far and working on my own personal development. The only person who can even still push me there really is my INTJ husband.
    My bff...who is literally my heart outside my body...I'm pretty sure she is door slamming me emotionally. I'm 99.0 sure it has to do with

    a) the fact that I told her I felt her starting to distance and that it really hurt my feelings (I reassured her that the ONLY thing I care about is her not blocking me and shutting me out...I'm very good at giving her as much space and time she needs to process...but I could feel the intentional numbing and shut down). I was also concerned for her bc she is in a very difficult life situation and I'm the ONLY person she is open with.

    b) I think she has recently decided to let things be what they are with her difficult life situation bc she is exhausted from fighting against the tide. She has told me so much though that I think she is emotionally door slamming me bc she knows how much she's shared and now, for the first time in six years she wants to go a different direction. I would NEVER do anything but be here for her if she told me that...but when she starts looping between her 1st and 3rd functions she pulls so inward that she starts having this distorted version of me and how she presumes I'll act in her head. She has only been doing that type of behavior for the last couple of months though. Before this there has never been any secrecy, angst, or numb underlying passive aggressiveness in our relationship.

    I wish so much she woukd just keep keep trusting me like she always has. She has voiced things to me before that she knows I disagree with and we actually appreciate each other's differences. I just feel like it's suddently abruptly over. I was so careful this time. I have had my heart utterly shattered in friendships before so I am VERY careful who I let in. I am also very intuitive and none of this underlying tension has ever been here before. Our kids are best friends...they are all the same ages. Losing them would hurt my kids more than when we had to cut off our toxic families. She's a person I've never had to doubt, it's been so effortless to be there for her even in the darkest places because she truly just needed to be understood and heard, she never energy vampired me, or took advantage of me...it's truly just been this amazing gift of a friendship in my life until now.

    I dont know what what to do because as much as I love her, as an ENFP I process emotions now and all the way through. And when I was with her the last time, she made sure we went to a totally different place than we usually go, didn't ride together (SUPER weird for us), and ended right at 1.5 hours (also has literally never happened in our relationship) and ended the night by telling me about a friendship she is rengaging in with someone who has always been a very surface level and hard friendship for her...which makes me think she wants to control the narrative completely right now and with this friend she can do that. She doesn't want anything reminding her of what used to be like when she was actively battling back this difficult life situation. It was hard but she was so proud of who she was becoming in that process.

    is there anything I can do guys? I don't think I can stay and keep letting the raw jagged edges of what used to be with us cut into this...whatever this new mutated version of our friendship she has created. It is absolutely ripping my heart into shreds.

    I would understand anythkng she fold me...needing space...taking a break from fighting the good fight...anything. I dont know why she stopped trusting me but I have a feeling it's becuase in saying any of those things she is voicing out loud something that goes against her core believs but that she has to do to stay sane right now. It would make it real.

  2. #2

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    Also any ENFPs want to chime in on how I can keep breathing in and out? 😰

  3. #3
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  4. #4
    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShinySketcher View Post
    Also any ENFPs want to chime in on how I can keep breathing in and out? 😰
    ENFPs are doing some kind of shit.

    Provided you're still alive, check this out:

    Breathing for Dummies


    I will be disappointed if you're still breathing. Too many people on this Earth. They should just all die naturally at once.

    I'm a cat.
    الخَيلُ وَاللَيلُ وَالبَيداءُ تَعرِفُني *** وَالسَيفُ وَالرُمحُ وَالقِرطاسُ وَالقَلَمُ
    Swift steeds, dreary nights, and the desolate wasteland, all know me full well
    As do the sword, the spear, the paper and the pen.

  5. #5
    𝕯ყ๓คჯιơŋ Luminous's Avatar
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    Maybe you can write her and say much of the same to her? Let her know how important she is to you, how you are there for her whichever direction she goes, and that you understand if she needs space. Then give her some space. I hope it will be okay. It really doesn't sound like you did anything to deserve a doorslam, and perhaps she is just needing space right now, and to know that you accept her and love her whichever way her life goes.
    ✦ᏖᏒᎥᎮ ค ℓιɬɬℓɛ Ꮭıɠɧɬ ʄคŋɬคʂɬıƈ✦ -: ✦ :- ƒ O ᖇ G E ᗪ I ᑎ ƒ I ᖇ E ❋-: ✦ :-★ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ꜰᴇᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴇʟꜱ★
    * ・゚ ・゚ * ⊱9w1✶S✶2w1✶X✶5w6⊰ * ・゚ ・゚ *
    ✦Շђєяє คяє ๓σяє тнιηﻭѕ ιη нєανєη αη∂ єαятн Շђαη คяє ∂яєαмт σƒ ιη уσυя ρнιℓσѕσρну.✦

  6. #6

    Default

    I don't really think the letter angle would be good bc there would bc with the current headspace she is in I would be worried about everything just getting misinterpreted 😥

    INFJs?

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luminous View Post
    Maybe you can write her and say much of the same to her? Let her know how important she is to you, how you are there for her whichever direction she goes, and that you understand if she needs space. Then give her some space. I hope it will be okay. It really doesn't sound like you did anything to deserve a doorslam, and perhaps she is just needing space right now, and to know that you accept her and love her whichever way her life goes.
    I agree with you that she needs to somehow get that from me, but I feel like all of the sudden we are speaking different languages. That is how I feel though.😰 I actually think she knows herself really well and admire when she goes whatever direction that takes her, even if it's not what I would do.

  8. #8
    Somber and irritated cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShinySketcher View Post
    I don't really think the letter angle would be good bc there would bc with the current headspace she is in I would be worried about everything just getting misinterpreted 😥

    INFJs?
    If there is fear of misinterpretation, keep it very straightforward and super short then, but honest. Ie 'I hope you know how much I value your friendship and you as a person. Things feel different to me now, but maybe I'm reading into things too much. Please know I am here for you and will support you with anything you decide to do. I'll leave it up to you to get in touch with me, since it seems like you are backing off'.

    Without any written communication on your part where you say the key highlights of what you want her to know, so that you've said your piece and then leave it in her court, there's really nothing else you can do imo.(I am assuming you've been trying to get together and tried to initiate and the pattern has emerged where she's changed in the past few months with respect to how she acts around you- thus further verbal attempts are fruitless, and she's not doing any initiating or voluntary sharing anymore).

    You'll have to genuinely be willing to do this, though, and actually let go of it and let the ball be in her court. Also, are you prepared for if what she ultimately wants is to change the nature of your relationship completely?

    I am sorry. Hang in there and best of luck. I can't know what's going on with your relationship, but if she's going the more cowardly and avoidant route of not communicating if she has an issue, then there's not a whole lot you can do. But if space is all she needs to gather her thoughts, then she'll be able to share them with you once she knows what's going on.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #9
    Senior Member cacaia's Avatar
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    I have to agree with cascadeco here. If possible,just saysomething kind of like...I am here for you and I love you. And then wait. I know waiting is the hardest part.
    Don't go making any stories of your own in your head,either. Telling her you are there for her and then stepping back is the best you can do for now. Good luck and keep us posted, yeah?

    - - - Updated - - -

    I have to agree with cascadeco here. If possible,just saysomething kind of like...I am here for you and I love you. And then wait. I know waiting is the hardest part.
    Don't go making any stories of your own in your head,either. Telling her you are there for her and then stepping back is the best you can do for now. Good luck and keep us posted, yeah?
    Likes Luminous liked this post

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