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  1. #1
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    Default ISTP male & INFJ female Compatibility

    Hello,

    I joined this forum to ask this, though I'm sure it's been asked before, what are your real life experiences with this match up?

    I am an INFJ female and my man is an ISTP. We are pushing 3 years in and have a son together. When I met him, I thought I had found THE one. The one who would never betray me, never take me for granted, never hurt me (in the same ways I have been hurt in the past.) Which is why I thought nothing of having his baby! I have only recently typed him, but I even enjoy reading the description of who is and thinking about how he exemplifies the type. I admire just about everything about him, there were just a few minor complaints, until this..

    But some things have come between us recently which has made me question the entire relationship. I don't know if it's an INFJ thing or a ME thing or a HUMAN thing, but once you hurt me, I begin to question everything and convince myself that the entire relationship was a lie. The act of betrayal was relatively small on the sliding scale of betrayal, but it was enough to make me question our future and whether or not this type of behavior will escalate in the future, i.e. do ISTPs learn from their impulsive mistakes? [He doesn't give me the security of knowing that he will, probably because he doesn't want to commit to something or turn into a liar. lol] We are good for now, no proverbial door slam or anything.. a little remnants of hurt here and there, a little obsessive "what if"-ing, a little bit of insecurity to ruminate over... but I am committed to giving it the best possible chance for our son.

    Anyway, I don't want to divulge too many details though I am sure you can grasp the idea.. maybe if I get better acquainted here..

    I'm just looking for some people to relate to. Tell me your INFJ/ISTP stories.

  2. #2
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    How do you know this person is an ISTP and not an INFJ who identifies with their weaker functions or something like that?

    (basically, a type-based analysis of this situation would require that you and he are actually typed correctly, which probably isn't the case)

    For example, if this is actually a case of ENFP + INFJ where the INFJ acts like an ISTP, then the key would be for the INFJ to get better acquainted with his actual strengths, instead of staying in a weaker form.

    But I can only speculate at this point.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    How do you know this person is an ISTP and not an INFJ who identifies with their weaker functions or something like that?

    (basically, a type-based analysis of this situation would require that you and he are actually typed correctly, which probably isn't the case)

    For example, if this is actually a case of ENFP + INFJ where the INFJ acts like an ISTP, then the key would be for the INFJ to get better acquainted with his actual strengths, instead of staying in a weaker form.

    But I can only speculate at this point.
    I am an INFJ and have taken the test 3 different times at different points in my life. He is an ISTP (I am speculating, none of the other types fit him and he agreed to the several descriptions I read to him, which is a surprise since he usually says personality tests/horoscopes/etc. are non-specific and could describe anyone) but it is not confirmed as he did not physically take the test and I do not foresee him doing it willingly unless I twist his arm (which I will not do lol). The only other type I could see him being is an ESTP that has lost touch with his extroverted social qualities (depression?) but I don't think that is the case.. I think he enjoys doing things alone or with a select few.

    edited to add:
    why i think he is an istp:

    - self employed tradesman (and enjoys it very much)
    - can be impulsive
    - trouble with following rules (but has a very concrete set of morals)
    - trouble in school when he was younger but highly intelligent (rules for the sake of rules are not for him, he likes to learn for himself)
    - excellent problem solver/fixer of mechanical things
    - avoids conflict (in relationships but can be hostile/protective under influence of alcohol/when he was younger would get into physical fights- risky behavior)
    - not emotional on the exterior (valuing logic over emotion rings very true for him)
    - enjoys risky activities/hobbies (he now regrets all the years he spent doing extreme sports- hockey, skateboarding, etc)
    - introverted (does things alone, avoids meaningless conversation but can appear extroverted when necessary-pretend to be into convos)
    - very private but simple person

  4. #4
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoRoRabbit View Post
    I am an INFJ and have taken the test 3 different times at different points in my life. He is an ISTP (I am speculating, none of the other types fit him and he agreed to the several descriptions I read to him, which is a surprise since he usually says personality tests/horoscopes/etc. are non-specific and could describe anyone) but it is not confirmed as he did not physically take the test and I do not foresee him doing it willingly unless I twist his arm (which I will not do lol). The only other type I could see him being is an ESTP that has lost touch with his extroverted social qualities (depression?) but I don't think that is the case.. I think he enjoys doing things alone or with a select few.
    Well... the results you get in a test don't necessarily tell you what your actual type is. It might say something about what you identify as, but can't tell you what your natural tendencies are, and a lot of problems result when someone is identifying as something that doesn't match how they actually function, so this kind of analysis really requires something more solid to ground things on.

    Non-type based advice would probably be better in this situation.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    Well... the results you get in a test don't necessarily tell you what your actual type is. It might say something about what you identify as, but can't tell you what your natural tendencies are, and a lot of problems result when someone is identifying as something that doesn't match how they actually function, so this kind of analysis really requires something more solid to ground things on.

    Non-type based advice would probably be better in this situation.
    I was more looking for others experiences in this type of relationship than for advice necessarily (I guess you could say I am looking for understanding).

    But what is the point of taking the test if it does not tell you what your personality type is? I'm afraid I am missing what you are trying to say... I'm pretty positive I am an INFJ based on taking the test and everything that I have read (which is a lot, of course its a lot of stuff I found on the internet, but nevertheless a lot..) .. of course I am not an expert on MBTI. I feel pretty confident (but not 100%) that I have typed him correctly. How would one confirm they are an INFJ? How did you? (not being snarky, just trying to understand what you are getting at, hard to convey emotion via webforum)

  6. #6
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoRoRabbit View Post
    I was more looking for others experiences in this type of relationship than for advice necessarily (I guess you could say I am looking for understanding).

    But what is the point of taking the test if it does not tell you what your personality type is? I'm afraid I am missing what you are trying to say... I'm pretty positive I am an INFJ based on taking the test and everything that I have read (which is a lot, of course its a lot of stuff I found on the internet, but nevertheless a lot..) .. of course I am not an expert on MBTI. I feel pretty confident (but not 100%) that I have typed him correctly. How would one confirm they are an INFJ? How did you? (not being snarky, just trying to understand what you are getting at, hard to convey emotion via webforum)
    Well, you're gonna have a hard time with the information that's out there. I've put a lot of thought into it for several years, and I've had to develop entirely new ways of determining someone's type. I generally look for function order in the sense of doing one thing then the next, so I've looked at things I say, write, do, etc. and I see that usually I go into it with a state of mind that I can only really see as being Ni if having to choose from the 8, then I go Fe then Ti then Se (then Ne then Fi then Te and then Si). So you really need to see the functions manifesting in an order, it's not enough to know dichotomies, or even which functions are being used and going off of which seems stronger, because a person can emphasise their weaker functions to the point that they seem like the stronger functions.

    The point of the tests is just to give you a pointer. It can also be useful for seeing how you differ from your natural inclinations if you find an objective way of determining them. Like, I'm Ni-Fe, but I usually score as a P, so that may indicate that I'm more on the passive side for how a J would optimally function, or it might just means that the test questions are skewed towards the SJ side of things more than the NJ side.

    It's very difficult to type a person unless you have a really solid framework that you're operating under, and if you get types wrong, then everything about the dynamics at play in the situation would have a totally different solution, because the equilibrium point is totally different.

    Like, for an actual INFJ+ISTP couple, I have no idea what constructive advice I would give, because that's a pairing that rarely works, but if the typings are off, then it could be a totally workable situation and require a totally different solution. Know what I mean?

  7. #7
    ฬᎥɬⲥhฯ ฬ๏ოᥑռ Luminous's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum, RoRoRabbit!

    I don't have any good type specific advice... though I suspect my father is an ISTP (and he sounds a lot like your significant other), and I do think he learned from his impulsive mistakes, though there was time and a lot stress involved...

    Hopefully someone else will have more advice!
    aka Janet Beattitudes, woman about town. Kicking ass and taking names meekly, with love and respect for her fellow humans.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    Well, you're gonna have a hard time with the information that's out there. I've put a lot of thought into it for several years, and I've had to develop entirely new ways of determining someone's type. I generally look for function order in the sense of doing one thing then the next, so I've looked at things I say, write, do, etc. and I see that usually I go into it with a state of mind that I can only really see as being Ni if having to choose from the 8, then I go Fe then Ti then Se (then Ne then Fi then Te and then Si). So you really need to see the functions manifesting in an order, it's not enough to know dichotomies, or even which functions are being used and going off of which seems stronger, because a person can emphasise their weaker functions to the point that they seem like the stronger functions.

    The point of the tests is just to give you a pointer. It can also be useful for seeing how you differ from your natural inclinations if you find an objective way of determining them. Like, I'm Ni-Fe, but I usually score as a P, so that may indicate that I'm more on the passive side for how a J would optimally function, or it might just means that the test questions are skewed towards the SJ side of things more than the NJ side.

    It's very difficult to type a person unless you have a really solid framework that you're operating under, and if you get types wrong, then everything about the dynamics at play in the situation would have a totally different solution, because the equilibrium point is totally different.

    Like, for an actual INFJ+ISTP couple, I have no idea what constructive advice I would give, because that's a pairing that rarely works, but if the typings are off, then it could be a totally workable situation and require a totally different solution. Know what I mean?
    Well maybe the typings are spot on because the pairing is not working as of late

    I identify pretty strongly with INFJ but I would be open to hear your interpretation. Of course, I am not an expert on the functions at all. But I understand what you are saying. I'm sure its possible that I have typed him wrong but the ISTP shoe definitely fits him.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luminous View Post
    Welcome to the forum, RoRoRabbit!

    I don't have any good type specific advice... though I suspect my father is an ISTP (and he sounds a lot like your significant other), and I do think he learned from his impulsive mistakes, though there was time and a lot stress involved...

    Hopefully someone else will have more advice!
    Thank you! I suspect my dad may be too, or a very similar type.. They are very similar in eery ways. (Both Lefties, Both Aries )... Perhaps that is what the attraction for me is. But that's a whole nother realm of psychology

    I think if I could only tone down my sensitivity, we would be more or less perfect for each other. I truly do admire so many things about this man. Until it hurts.
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  10. #10
    ฬᎥɬⲥhฯ ฬ๏ოᥑռ Luminous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoRoRabbit View Post
    Thank you! I suspect my dad may be too, or a very similar type.. They are very similar in eery ways. (Both Lefties, Both Aries )... Perhaps that is what the attraction for me is. But that's a whole nother realm of psychology

    I think if I could only tone down my sensitivity, we would be more or less perfect for each other. I truly do admire so many things about this man. Until it hurts.
    Stay with anyone long enough, and it's going to hurt at some point, I think.
    aka Janet Beattitudes, woman about town. Kicking ass and taking names meekly, with love and respect for her fellow humans.
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