[MENTION=38471]RoRoRabbit[/MENTION] Hey! I do not spend much time on this forum at all anymore, but I'd be remiss if I didn't help you out with my perspective here - this thread was basically made for me. My response will be long, but I hope you get something worthwhile out of it.
I'm going to share some opinions, beliefs, and experiences that I feel very strongly about, with deep conviction, that are unpopular at best within the typology community at large. The short version is this: anyone can be with anyone. It's nonsense to suggest that of all the happy pairings in the world, none of them are INFJ/ISTP.
Honestly? Your typings of yourself and your partner could be wrong, sure. But they don't vibe wrong to me. And you know yourself and your relationship better than any of us, so therefore any changes in a typological framework would occur as you realize them, over time, on your own. If you do more research independently and recognize something new, that's a discovery for you to enjoy and implement as it arrives. I think it's a complete waste of time for any of us to sit here and tell you that you've probably typed yourself or your partner incorrectly, just because INFJ/ISTP on paper sounds improbable to so many people at first glance. Had you arrived with an INFJ/INFP predicament, I can almost promise that no one would be rabbit-holing over your typing right now.
INFJ/ISTP can be absolutely blissful when both parties have mutual interests and are openly communicating. I am an INFJ (albeit a strange one, we'll get to that later) who has been with an ISTP for five years now. It is easily the most enjoyable, organic, natural relationship I've ever had in my entire life.
Cognitive Functions
I got into typology in 2010. My understanding of my Enneagram changed over time, but that of my MBTI did not; rather, I realized that I use all the proper cognitive functions of an INFJ, but with the one anomaly of Se being my second function, not the last. I come up that way when both healthy and upset/unwell: Ni > Se > Fe > Ti. Having said that, I use all four fairly well. INFJ is the closest fit.
My point with this is...everyone is different. Typology is sometimes helpful, sometimes too much of a box to fully appreciate each unique situation. It is ultimately just a theory, after all. Learning about the cognitive functions might give you a whole bundle of help that MBTI descriptions alone do not! I identify strongly with my functions, but deeply struggle to relate to descriptions of INFJ that depict the demure librarian who idealizes romance while shyly keeping to herself, sipping coffee and planning for the future.
Why does this matter? You may have noticed that MBTI types are commonly lumped together into four different groups: the Idealists, the Rationals, the Artisans, and the Guardians. INFJs, ENFJs, INFPs, and ENFPs are all lumped together as "Idealists," supposedly bonded and well-suited to each other because of our...what? Our NF-ness? I once dated an INFP, which might seem like a good idea - but in my personal experience, this turned out to be terrible in practice. We literally processed the world oppositely. It makes sense, once you think about our cognitive functions. We have three of the dichotomies in common, but share zero cognitive functions. INFJ employs Ni > Fe > Ti > Se, while INFP uses Fi > Ne > Si > Te. All of our processes are flipped. This might sound like nonsense until you learn more, but in my case it certainly mattered. If you read more about typology at all, the cognitive functions are worth it.
So! With that in mind, I personally believe that INFJ, ENFJ, ISTP, and ESTP belong at the same table in the cafeteria instead. These four types all use the same functions, just in a different order. INFJ and ESTP are not opposites! We're cousins. Nobody ever blinked an eye when I told them I was with an INFP - which crashed and burned, horribly. ISTP? People think you're full of shit, even though you're not.
Even though I'm saying all of that? I still believe that any good pairing can happen between any type, with the right dynamic. The world is too large to think so narrowly, bottom line.
INFJ and ISTP
I'm not sure how valuable my advice will be in your specific situation, since it seems like the guts of your predicament stem from his impulse control issues. For what it's worth, my ISTP also has this problem...as do I. I don't know whether you're implying an infidelity issue or substance abuse - either way, if you'd like to talk more, feel free to private message me. I can talk for hours about that kind of thing.
Generally, when things have been bad with my ISTP, it's when we're not communicating. This is rare at this point in our relationship, but he's learned that I need a little more emotional feedback than he naturally feels compelled to provide, so he tries. It might not always be enough, be he tries, and each gesture means a lot. Similarly, I've picked up on the subtle things he does to demonstrate love in place of sweet nothings whispered in my ear, so to speak - he gives incredible backrubs and cleans the kitchen while I'm gone. For my birthday one year, he built a big display shelf for all of my Blu-rays and DVDs.
So I guess it's not so much changing anyone for the other's sake, but learning how to interpret your partner. One of my favorite elements about this pairing: when you have a mutual task or practical trade, ISTPs can be excellent mentors and the experience can be very intimate. This might sound silly, but my ISTP and I are both photographers - me, with oh so much to express! And him, with incredible technical skills and self-taught knowledge of new implements to further his craft. This can manifest in a literal, hands-on, hey-babe-let-me-help-you-with-that scene that may as well be the opening premise of a porno. My talents have grown so much as a direct result of our cooperation and shared ventures, learning and exploring together.
On his part, he's become warmer. He allows his emotions to happen as they will, and he is generally quick to be honest with me if something becomes too problematic for him. He's still reticent, sure, but in the beginning he'd do things like drive halfway up a mountain and not talk to anyone when he was upset. (I let him go. The thing about ISTPs is that they don't like control, and if you let them fly, give 'em time. They will come back to you when they're ready.) Now he'll ask if I want to play video games, and then eventually he'll cave and let me know something's up. I usually know days before he does, but that's okay - he's got to bring it up when he's in the mood to. Patience is so valuable. It's okay to ask ahead of time, of course, but don't press it if he's not ready.
Otherwise, in my personal experience, the sailing has been so smooth I feel like I'm dreaming half the time. My guy and I have almost all the same interests and desires in life. My weaknesses are his strengths, and his weaknesses are my strengths, but in a very symbiotic, not-opposite kind of way. We view the world through the same lenses, just in a slightly different order, that's all.
If we didn't have any common interests, and if I was a sucker for him solely for his masculinity (he's...well, he ought to be in cologne ads or something - physically fit, attractive, a former trail crew member and firefighter in remote corners of the west), this would make sense for a while before it fell apart. I've seen plenty of couples hook up due to physical attraction and initial chemistry without really digging into mutual interests and long-term goals, or without learning how to communicate effectively with each other. I've had a LOT of people tell me how attractive my guy is, and I daresay some of them would crush on him if he were interested, but they might not make the greatest fit. He and I work together because we are teammates with common goals, life views, and absolute trust and honesty.
Why Your Mileage Will Vary
You may have noticed that the sticking points of why my relationship works are cornerstones of why any relationship should be great - honesty, communication, common interests, attraction, etc. I have met a couple of other ISTPs in my life whom I am not attracted to, and there are INFJs who wouldn't like my ISTP. We're both in our very early 30s now, with no intention of marriage or children, and we're very happy because that's the life we want together.
Personally, I am not much of a romantic. I feel very strongly, and am insanely passionate, but I don't actually believe in soulmates. I believe that we're all beautiful and flawed, and that there are multiple options for each of us. It's all a matter of what you want, and when you run into these people. I'm also non-monogamous (with consent, of course, and I'm only seeing one other guy so it's not extreme, but you get the idea). The kinds of conversations you have to have in order to sustain multiple relationships will rip your soul in half and wring you dry, haha. You communicate because you have to. You communicate because you love.
You may feel differently and that's okay, but in my opinion there really isn't such a thing as a perfect soulmate or relationship. If you're with anyone long enough, you're going to see their ugly parts, and you're going to have to figure out how you'd like to deal with them. We're all human, we all make mistakes, and we all have opportunities for redemption, too.
I can understand feeling anxious, worried that maybe everything was a lie - I really can. I have mild BPD, and it's mostly under control nowadays, but I still have moments that trigger me. I still sometimes see people as whatever my last interaction with them was, apparently without emotional object permanence. (If someone says he loves me, I don't remember it as a constant - it's more like, "Oh, well, on Wednesday he felt like he was in love with me.") Consequently, I can be downright annoying when I need reassurance, and unfortunately this only manifests once I've latched onto someone as a "favorite" person. All the more reason why being honest and open about fears and feelings can head those nasty thoughts off at the pass.
It sounds to me like you're a little insecure right now, and so you're interested in exploring the compatibility and chemistry between you and your partner from a typological perspective, and that's totally cool. It probably will help, in some capacity. At the end of the day, though, you've got to talk to him about whatever your fears are. It's the only way to make sure you guys will be alright.
But he didn't deny his Fe. He just din't prefer as others IFJ
I have only recently typed him, but I even enjoy reading the description of who is and thinking about how he exemplifies the type. I admire just about everything about him, there were just a few minor complaints, until this..
