Alright. Who should I fall in love with next?

[Norrsken]

Don't mind me, just planning and visualizing my future as usual. Now that my marriage is pretty much over, I have been having these thoughts of who or what I should be looking for for next time around. It's probably too early and I should only be focusing on myself and my own future.. and don't worry, I will. But at the same time, it's always fun for me to tinker and fantasize about what could be next in store for me. As an ENFJ, sources state that I should be with a Fi-dom, like an INFP or an ISFP. And maybe my experiences have been colored negatively by my time spent here on the forum where I have met some pretty interesting characters (lol), but I'm a bit apprehensive about touching anything Fi-like. Opposites attract, sure, but for how long? Maybe as a short fling, it could work, but my heart was never built for that sort of thing. I have a tendency to attach and expect things to grow and expand, and I can't stand stagnation.

I don't really know my tritype since I keep changing my mind plenty of times over it. I don't think I'd want to be with anyone who has an 8 in their tri thanks to my abusive past. Any angry outbursts, even if warranted, just makes me dissociate, haha. But for all the other ENFJs who probably wonder the same thing, who are our best matches? Does it depend on the individual? Could I find happiness with just about anybody? Then again, I should find my most natural partner so that I can at least feel assured that it'll be for the long haul, you know?

I don't know. Halp.

 

[phoenix31]

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't go looking for a specific type. I would just approach everybody based on attraction and then use type as a framework and reference for understanding each other better. Because everybody in the world varies in maturity and how they have developed their weak areas and it's sort of useless to write people off based on MBTI.

 

[Population: 1]

I agree don’t worry about MBTI type. Firstly, look for patterns within you. Do you tend to fall for the same type of man/woman repeatedly? Is that type a benefit or a detriment to you? If they are the latter, your first course of action should be to figure out why and how you choose them. Then armed with that knowledge you can look for red flags before you become entrenched in something that will bring you harm. I picked the same type of woman more than a few times before realizing it. Realizing that’s not the type I should be with. Now I’m dating someone who’s nothing like that and so far so good with minimal drama included.

You’re a kind, smart, creative, and funny young woman from my perspective and you will be an excellent match for someone. As you said, you need to take the time to heal first. That’s crucial. During that healing process figure out the qualities you want and as importantly don’t want in a partner. When you meet someone don’t brush off warning signs and don’t try to superimpose desirable qualities on someone. If he or she reminds you of a former partner, discern why that is. Just be careful, Pluv. I have no doubt you’ll find there are a variety of potential mates out there.

 

[phoenix31]

I agree don’t worry about MBTI type. Firstly, look for patterns within you. Do you tend to fall for the same type of man/woman repeatedly? Is that type a benefit or a detriment to you? If they are the latter, your first course of action should be to figure out why and how you choose them. Then armed with that knowledge you can look for red flags before you become entrenched in something that will bring you harm. I picked the same type of woman more than a few times before realizing it. Realizing that’s not the type I should be with. Now I’m dating someone who’s nothing like that and so far so good with minimal drama included.

You’re a kind, smart, creative, and funny young woman from my perspective and you will be an excellent match for someone. As you said, you need to take the time to heal first. That’s crucial. During that healing process figure out the qualities you want and as importantly don’t want in a partner. When you meet someone don’t brush off warning signs and don’t try to superimpose desirable qualities on someone. If he or she reminds you of a former partner, discern why that is. Just be careful, Pluv. I have no doubt you’ll find there’s a variety of potential mates out there.

By "type" do you mean MBTI type? Or just general type?

 

[Population: 1]

By "type" do you mean MBTI type? Or just general type?

I should’ve been more specific. I meant in a general sense. I imagine certain traits can be universal. Controlling and abusive traits may manifest in different ways depending on MBTI type. Subtle vs explosive for instance.

 

[rav3n]

[MENTION=26674]Pluvio[/MENTION], what do you find attractive?

 

[Norrsken]

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't go looking for a specific type. I would just approach everybody based on attraction and then use type as a framework and reference for understanding each other better. Because everybody in the world varies in maturity and how they have developed their weak areas and it's sort of useless to write people off based on MBTI.

But I'm horrible at picking partners.

I agree don’t worry about MBTI type. Firstly, look for patterns within you. Do you tend to fall for the same type of man/woman repeatedly? Is that type a benefit or a detriment to you? If they are the latter, your first course of action should be to figure out why and how you choose them. Then armed with that knowledge you can look for red flags before you become entrenched in something that will bring you harm. I picked the same type of woman more than a few times before realizing it. Realizing that’s not the type I should be with. Now I’m dating someone who’s nothing like that and so far so good with minimal drama included.

You’re a kind, smart, creative, and funny young woman from my perspective and you will be an excellent match for someone. As you said, you need to take the time to heal first. That’s crucial. During that healing process figure out the qualities you want and as importantly don’t want in a partner. When you meet someone don’t brush off warning signs and don’t try to superimpose desirable qualities on someone. If he or she reminds you of a former partner, discern why that is. Just be careful, Pluv. I have no doubt you’ll find there are a variety of potential mates out there.

I think I do fall for the same exact type each time, even though I could have sworn each of the people I've come to love felt differently to me at the time. The type being the self-destructive victim, always crying out for comfort and help and me going out of my way to help them. But then.. then it always ends with me even more hurt than they have hurt and I end up shattered while they happily move on without me. The push-pull kinds of people who would pull me in and act like they need me or love me, and then push me away when I get too close. My therapist warned me that this is something I have to work on before I start dating again, because I do have a soft spot for complicated characters. She told me that I shouldn't find my other half to make me whole; I should become whole within myself first before I can find another person who is also whole within themselves. For a happy, healthy relationship.

You're so right, though. I am going to take my time and be very careful this time around.

[MENTION=26674]Pluvio[/MENTION], what do you find attractive?

Anyone who can think for themselves, and question everything around them. I don't like those intellectual elitist assholes, but I do like smart people in general. I like people I can have deep conversations with into the night. People who can see all angles of a theory or a situation or another person, someone who makes me stop and think too. Someone open minded and can admit when they're wrong sometimes. People who enjoy traveling, and research, and philosophy and art and music, debating and discussing life matters with a drink, but can also relax and be funny when it's time to get light hearted. Someone I can get lost in a museum or a library with. That's why I used to love my husband so much. He was into all of those things and seemed so smart at the time. He would politely tease me about a riddle or a pun, but it was all in good fun. I miss those years.

A cute dorky sense of humor doesn't hurt, either.

 

[phoenix31]

I'm glad you are talking with a therapist about what to look for and avoid in a relationship, because that's really probably the best way to approach it. And I wish you good luck and much happiness and adventure.

 

[rav3n]

Anyone who can think for themselves, and question everything around them. I don't like those intellectual elitist assholes, but I do like smart people in general. I like people I can have deep conversations with into the night. People who can see all angles of a theory or a situation or another person, someone who makes me stop and think too. Someone open minded and can admit when they're wrong sometimes. People who enjoy traveling, and research, and philosophy and art and music, debating and discussing life matters with a drink, but can also relax and be funny when it's time to get light hearted. Someone I can get lost in a museum or a library with. That's why I used to love my husband so much. He was into all of those things and seemed so smart at the time. He would politely tease me about a riddle or a pun, but it was all in good fun. I miss those years.

A cute dorky sense of humor doesn't hurt, either.

It's good that you're writing this all out since it might help in your future selection. And one more very important question. Do you wish to drive (not cars, lol) more often or do you wish a partner who drives more often?

 

[Norrsken]

It's good that you're writing this all out since it might help in your future selection. And one more very important question. Do you wish to drive (not cars, lol) more often or do you wish a partner who drives more often?

I suppose for me to drive more often..

 

[rav3n]

I suppose for me to drive more often..

So what you're looking for is someone similar to you but one who willingly places control in your hands (possibly an INFP?). What are your thoughts about an equal partnership where you discuss important relationship decisions? The reason I ask this is that's how my marriage works and well. It makes us happy that we have input and shared decision making which translates to equal responsibility if it fails or works, hence greater investment in positive outcomes.

 

[Luminous]

So what you're looking for is someone similar to you but one who willingly places control in your hands (possibly an INFP?). What are your thoughts about an equal partnership where you discuss important relationship decisions? The reason I ask this is that's how my marriage works and well. It makes us happy that we have input and shared decision making which translates to equal responsibility if it fails or works, hence greater investment in positive outcomes.

I think some other types would have just as much investment, without having an equal amount of decision making, simply because the decisions affect both people. More importantly, this brings up tendency to blame... that may be type related. And whether the blame is focused on intention or outcome. If partners don't share equal decision making, but the one who makes fewer decisions doesn't blame the other when something goes south, it's not as big an issue...

 

[rav3n]

I think some other types would have just as much investment, without having an equal amount of decision making, simply because the decisions affect both people. More importantly, this brings up tendency to blame... that may be type related. And whether the blame is focused on intention or outcome. If partners don't share equal decision making, but the one who makes fewer decisions doesn't blame the other when something goes south, it's not as big an issue...

Since Pluvio wishes to be in charge more often, she might get herself back into the position of being the caregiver who makes more decisions, only to be left after she's supported them through their issues. I'm trying to suggest another avenue.

 

[Luminous]

Since Pluvio wishes to be in charge more often, she might get herself back into the position of being the caregiver who makes more decisions, only to be left after she's supported them through their issues. I'm trying to suggest another avenue.

Gotcha.

 

[Pionart]

Psychological types are an extremely important aspect in determining the compatibility between two people.

The problem is: how do you know that you've typed yourself correctly? That's a very difficult thing to attain certainty in.

And if you do not know if you've typed yourself correctly, how can you know that you've typed someone else correctly?

People are saying in this thread to basically ignore type and go by how attracted you are to someone. Yes, this is a valid way to do it. In fact, doing it this way probably has a higher chance of landing you with your best match typologically speaking as you would get from trying to figure out the compatibility consciously, unless you're very good at typing. Because you'll probably find that the type you've most frequently been attracted to is in fact your most compatible type.

However, type is just one factor in compatibility. If you share the same interests with someone, then even if they're a type regarded as having low or moderate compatibility with you, the common ground you share would provide the potential for a relationship to occur. However, it would then have its own set of problems due to the mismatch.

The correct pairings are the ones with the same middle letters and opposite end letters, so INFP for the ENFJ. ISFP and ENFP, and even other ENFJs, among others, can be good too, but not as good as the INFP. Again though, how do you know if you've typed yourself correctly, and how would you identify someone else's type with a high degree of certainty?

 

[phoenix31]

Psychological types are an extremely important aspect in determining the compatibility between two people.

The problem is: how do you know that you've typed yourself correctly? That's a very difficult thing to attain certainty in.

And if you do not know if you've typed yourself correctly, how can you know that you've typed someone else correctly?

People are saying in this thread to basically ignore type and go by how attracted you are to someone. Yes, this is a valid way to do it. In fact, doing it this way probably has a higher chance of landing you with your best match typologically speaking as you would get from trying to figure out the compatibility consciously, unless you're very good at typing. Because you'll probably find that the type you've most frequently been attracted to is in fact your most compatible type.

However, type is just one factor in compatibility. If you share the same interests with someone, then even if they're a type regarded as having low or moderate compatibility with you, the common ground you share would provide the potential for a relationship to occur. However, it would then have its own set of problems due to the mismatch.

The correct pairings are the ones with the same middle letters and opposite end letters, so INFP for the ENFJ. ISFP and ENFP, and even other ENFJs, among others, can be good too, but not as good as the INFP. Again though, how do you know if you've typed yourself correctly, and how would you identify someone else's type with a high degree of certainty?

There are no "correct" pairings, in my humble opinion. I guarantee you that half the people who are supposed to be my "correct match" due to MBTI type would drive me batshit crazy. Plus, even the things I read online don't agree as to who matches up the best and people have different opinions. Do you know how many annoying and immature INFPs are out there who haven't learned to shore up their weaknesses and are a pain in the neck to deal with when they get disproportionately emotional and moody, or belligerant about their core beliefs, or can't ever show up on time for anything, etc. etc.? Or any other character flaw. Take your pick.

There is no way to say across the board, it's the "correct thing" to go find an INFP, because people, even of the same MBTI type, vary widely. Even if their thinking processes are similar in some ways, there are huge differences in how people conduct themselves and interact, due to personality quirks, upbringing, culture, life experience, and maturity. I think it would be really shortsighted to limit yourself in finding a potential partner because you're searching for a specific MBTI type.

Nobody is completely compatible with anyone else. Life is not a fairy tale. We all have weaknesses and annoying qualities and ways we have to be flexible and compromise with other people in order to reach harmony. Which means just because a relationship takes work does not mean you have to write it off as a "mismatch."

Plus, some types are much rarer than others, so it doesn't make any sense to proceed that way, or else tons of people are going to be stuck with no one. Also, I'm pretty sure there are a ton of fantastic marriages and partnerships out there that do not involve "correct" MBTI matches. It's just a framework to understand each other. That's all it is. It's not the Bible.

 

[Pionart]

There are no "correct" pairings, in my humble opinion. I guarantee you that half the people who are supposed to be my "correct match" due to MBTI type would drive me batshit crazy. Plus, even the things I read online don't agree as to who matches up the best and people have different opinions. Do you know how many annoying and immature INFPs are out there who haven't learned to shore up their weaknesses and are a pain in the neck to deal with when they get disproportionately emotional and moody, or belligerant about their core beliefs, or can't ever show up on time for anything, etc. etc.? Or any other character flaw. Take your pick.

There is no way to say across the board, it's the "correct thing" to go find an INFP, because people, even of the same MBTI type, vary widely. Even if their thinking processes are similar in some ways, there are huge differences in how people conduct themselves and interact, due to personality quirks, upbringing, culture, life experience, and maturity. I think it would be really shortsighted to limit yourself in finding a potential partner because you're searching for a specific MBTI type.

Nobody is completely compatible with anyone else. Life is not a fairy tale. We all have weaknesses and annoying qualities and ways we have to be flexible and compromise with other people in order to reach harmony. Which means just because a relationship takes work does not mean you have to write it off as a "mismatch."

Plus, some types are much rarer than others, so it doesn't make any sense to proceed that way, or else tons of people are going to be stuck with no one. Also, I'm pretty sure there are a ton of fantastic marriages and partnerships out there that do not involve "correct" MBTI matches. It's just a framework to understand each other. That's all it is. It's not the Bible.

You are misinterpreting me. I never said that if someone is of the correct type for you, that they will necessarily be a good match for you. Of course there are other factors. However type is one factor, and it is a very important factor.

Yes, there are different levels of health. Yes, there are many variants within a particular type which will appeal more or less to you. However, all else being equal, it is one specific type which is going to most appeal to you, because that is how your mind is designed to function.

I also never said that it was "complete" compatibility. It is the type, out of the 16 types, which is most compatible with you.

Sure, there can be a fantastic marriage between people of non-ideal types, and I actually think it's a good thing for there to be variation in this sort of thing. It may help to promote peace within the community, for instance, because we need people of every type within a community.

Nothing you said really contradicts me. You don't seem to agree that there is even a best type on average though, which I feel is highly mistaken.


Also: regarding some types being rarer than others - we don't actually know that this is the case. As far as I'm aware, that meme is sourced from statistics of MBTI test results, and I'm sure that you're aware that the test is highly inaccurate, and probably with systematic biases, for example a male Feeler is likely to type as a Thinker in the MBTI. So, if it's a highly inaccurate tool, why base anything off of it?

But to answer your point: if you can find someone of a type that isn't your ideal match, but can't find someone that is, then it is acceptable to pursue that, I am not denying such a thing. It is perhaps not ideal, however.

 

[Lark]

This reminds me of how many books on this topic I have to read.

 

[phoenix31]

You are misinterpreting me. I never said that if someone is of the correct type for you, that they will necessarily be a good match for you. Of course there are other factors. However type is one factor, and it is a very important factor.

Yes, there are different levels of health. Yes, there are many variants within a particular type which will appeal more or less to you. However, all else being equal, it is one specific type which is going to most appeal to you, because that is how your mind is designed to function.

I also never said that it was "complete" compatibility. It is the type, out of the 16 types, which is most compatible with you.

Sure, there can be a fantastic marriage between people of non-ideal types, and I actually think it's a good thing for there to be variation in this sort of thing. It may help to promote peace within the community, for instance, because we need people of every type within a community.

Nothing you said really contradicts me. You don't seem to agree that there is even a best type on average though, which I feel is highly mistaken.


Also: regarding some types being rarer than others - we don't actually know that this is the case. As far as I'm aware, that meme is sourced from statistics of MBTI test results, and I'm sure that you're aware that the test is highly inaccurate, and probably with consistent biases, for example a male Feeler is likely to type as a Thinker in the MBTI. So, if it's a highly inaccurate tool, why base anything off of it?

But to answer your point: if you can find someone of a type that isn't your ideal match, but can't find someone that is, then it is acceptable to pursue that, I am not denying such a thing. It is perhaps not ideal, however.

I didn't get any statistical information from a meme. And you just said that MBTI was "very important" and then in the next breath, you said that it's inaccurate and useless. Okie doke. Are you trying to say the system is good but the test is flawed?

I mean I suppose my perfect type is probably an E something or other, but guess what? The older I get the more I find that I like to hang out with introverts and am attracted to introverts because their energy level matches mine and I don't have enough stamina to deal with all the "peopling" and going out on the town that extroverts want to do. That's just a personal thing that maybe doesn't make sense on paper, and I'm sure that a lot of people have similar personal preferences that don't match whatever the "ideal" is supposed to be.

I may be wrong because I lack a lot of knowledge, but it seems to me that it's kind of a spectrum, and some people are very extreme and less balanced in certain areas, where others are a little bit more toward the middle. I have seen J types are really extreme in wanting things around the house orderly and they can't handle being around more extreme P types who make messes and have clutter and are scatterbrained and haphazard, or I have seen more extreme P types want to be free and spontaneous and can't stand extreme J types because they don't want to be tied down to a plan and a schedule and find it very obnoxious and rigid to deal with on a regular basis. Etcetera. (I know I'm not talking in terms of cognitive functions but that's because I don't understand them yet.)

At any rate, I don't think that any system can account for the variances in all the different kinds of people that there are enough to say that each person has a specific type that's going to make them perfectly happy forever. Which I already said, so I'll stop repeating myself.

 

[Pionart]

I don't think the statistical information came from a meme.

I'm not completely sure that I used the word correctly, but I don't think you know what I mean by a "meme". I'm not talking about a funny little picture with a line of text, I am referring to an idea which spreads between people.