INFJ doorslam

[INFP_GRL]

Hi
I was wondering if any INFJ's can help me out, I met this girl on Tinder an INFJ and we got talking and we ended up having alot in common we agreed on meeting for dinner and hit it off really well, she seemed to get me, it was almost like a magnetic pull towards her, the thing is that I lied to her, I put a fake name and age on my tinder profile partly because I don't trust my real name or details being on there, I ended up telling her the truth last night and she texted me this morning saying that there is nothing I can say and that she never wants to speak to me again, I didn't put fake details on there to manipulate anyone and I'm definately not a person that can lie I just put them on there for my personal safety.
I feel really bad for not telling her sooner but my anxiety got the better of me, I know now I've lost her trust but she was really one of the few ppl that I've connected with.
I just want to know from other INFJ'S if I should leave her alone and if it's a doorslam or if I should try and talk to her?
Any help would be appreciated

 

[oheckel]

Some persistence might work, but don't be overbearing! You've lost a lot of trust, especially since lying is the quickest way to lose respect from an INFJ. You would have to work very hard to earn that back, if you are given the chance to do so.

"Even worse is if a suitor tries to resort to manipulation or lying, as Advocates will see right through it, and if there’s anything they have a poor tolerance for in a relationship, it is inauthenticity." https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

 

[Excitant]

Hi
I was wondering if any INFJ's can help me out, I met this girl on Tinder an INFJ and we got talking and we ended up having alot in common we agreed on meeting for dinner and hit it off really well, she seemed to get me, it was almost like a magnetic pull towards her, the thing is that I lied to her, I put a fake name and age on my tinder profile partly because I don't trust my real name or details being on there, I ended up telling her the truth last night and she texted me this morning saying that there is nothing I can say and that she never wants to speak to me again, I didn't put fake details on there to manipulate anyone and I'm definately not a person that can lie I just put them on there for my personal safety.
I feel really bad for not telling her sooner but my anxiety got the better of me, I know now I've lost her trust but she was really one of the few ppl that I've connected with.
I just want to know from other INFJ'S if I should leave her alone and if it's a doorslam or if I should try and talk to her?
Any help would be appreciated

Truthfully, you may be screwed... but, if she let's you keep in contact, it's a good sign. INFJs need tons of time to think things through.

You will probably literally go crazy waiting to see if you've blown it or not;while she takes time and process her thoughts.

If you wait patiently, NOT pushing, but just keeping in contact enough to show you are earnestly sorry for lying to her(and yes that's what you did) you may have a slim chance when she realizes that it wasn't a purposeful lie directed at her but to the entire dating scene for your insecurities.

THe key is being fully open and honest to a fault with INFjs as they see through BS like a clear window. Trust me the more you open yourself up and let them see you become vulnerable it shows that you are really trying here. But whatever you do, do not be overbearing or inpatient because it will cause an INFj to not be able to fully process their thoughts and they will err on the side of caution and door slam you. Guaranteed!

Again you might just get tired of waiting and end up moving on before she even comes to a decision to give you another chance. If she ever does, you are going to have a mountain of work ahead of you and it won't be easy by any means.

I really hope it works out for you because I am in a relationship with an INFJ and it is one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Good luck!!

 

[SJMM]

From personal experience, and I know this is anecdotal, but I've never doorslammed anyone and never had an INFJ door slam me. The type seems to be very forgiving, but there are lots of mistypes out there especially with INFJ. Had an INFP door slam me, likewise an ENTP. As for this situation, sounds like she's pretty immature if she doesn't understand that some people want to be anonymous on dating apps. You dodged a bullet. Plenty of matches waiting to be swiped out there

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

To me it is totally crazy to show a real name on a meetic site ! If the person is mature enough he/she should understand. If not, it doesn't matter how "great" that one seems, I 'd say let it drop, that isn't worth it.
Following your own principles and sticking to them seems wiser to me. If the person refuses to understand you, and is willing to remain rigid by refusing to communicate, you cannot change them.
Some people (whatever type they are) have a hard time understanding not everybody thinks the same. Personally I would feel this as a turn off.

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

I'm not an INFJ, but I had the doorslam experience one time. This INFJ guy and his friend both started talking to me via PM on another forum. His friend was, for want of a better word, unstable...she shared everything with me, all her deep dark stories, and talked about her ideas on life, her philosophies, etc, which I listened to sympathetically and with great concern. She then got upset at the "immoral" state of my inner world when I reciprocated and shared my own traumas with her--shrieking and wailing, and apparently sobbing for days on end, hurling insults, etc. I was hurt by the disparities between our acceptance of one another, and responded by telling her not to write back until she could accept that different people's minds work differently.

They apparently shared PMs behind my back, because, for reasons that now elude me, the INFJ guy got the idea I was somehow abusing her (I honestly wasn't), was convinced I was trying to separate their friendship IRL (which is attributing far more acumen to me than I actually possess), thought I was lying to him, and accused me of "dwelling in emotion" because I was depressed at the time and straightforward about it. He then slammed the door.

Yet, I had done everything in good faith, and this was actually a minorly traumatic event in my life.

You know what I have to say to that, though? Fuck him. If you don't possess the maturity to look at a situation skeptically, and are going to draw some sort of irrational conclusion (I'm a narcissistic sociopath who is so manipulative that I can separate irl friends with PMs alone), if you share confidential information behind my back, then I have zero respect. You're a waste of my time. I don't think I want to be friends with a judgemental, backstabbing person with no common sense (nor for that matter an unstable individual whose love is conditional and whose mind can't understand others are different).

What I'm trying to say is that I kind of see that happening with this INFJ girl. Obviously, I haven't seen the situation so I don't know. But it seems like she's drawing extreme conclusions based on limited data and throwing tantrums about it. This is a Red Flag to me. If she's going to get this upset over a minor thing (that, others have pointed out, demonstrates common sense)...it may well be that you're in for lots more drama in the future. Lots of mistrust. Lots of being jerked around. This could end in tears.

If you're into that, great. If you're interested, I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to contact her and explain; make your feelings clear. The worst she can do is ignore you, or send a nasty reply that you can then disregard. Just, I personally would look elsewhere at this point. You'll build good connections with many other people in your life, I'm sure of it--maybe even irl, and not via text message. Tinder's full of weirdos, and life's too short to chase divas.

 

[MissNeolithic]

I would tend to agree with what has been said above. While the breaking of trust is a major issue for a lot of people, especially INFJs, she appears to be making a very swift judgement on you because of it. I think if most people Tinder matched with someone and later found out they had lied about their age and name, depending on how extreme the age change as well, I would be inclined to say most people would second guess the basic trust to start a relationship, as it raises the chance that there might be other things not quite true.
It is also possible that she has other reasons for not wanting to see you, INFJs can sometimes fake enjoying a social situation for the sake of avoiding a confrontation and civility- I have sometimes done that on a date that was not so good. Though this I can't tell as I wasn't there and don't know what the exact circumstances are here. Furthermore, there may be additional outside of your control factors. She may be talking to someone else, which is probable on Tinder, or there may be other reasons why.
As to advice on what to do, pestering her with a lot of messages will likely do you more harm. In all honesty, it may be best that you at least give it time for her to come round if you still want to pursue her. Or move on, which may be for the best and next time perhaps state your real first name and age before the date if you are interested in actually meeting them? To avoid them feeling like they had been played or manipulated and give them a chance to decide whether they want to continue seeing you as INFJs, and most people, do detest the idea of being lied to.

 

[Tilt]

Hi
I was wondering if any INFJ's can help me out, I met this girl on Tinder an INFJ and we got talking and we ended up having alot in common we agreed on meeting for dinner and hit it off really well, she seemed to get me, it was almost like a magnetic pull towards her, the thing is that I lied to her, I put a fake name and age on my tinder profile partly because I don't trust my real name or details being on there, I ended up telling her the truth last night and she texted me this morning saying that there is nothing I can say and that she never wants to speak to me again, I didn't put fake details on there to manipulate anyone and I'm definately not a person that can lie I just put them on there for my personal safety.
I feel really bad for not telling her sooner but my anxiety got the better of me, I know now I've lost her trust but she was really one of the few ppl that I've connected with.
I just want to know from other INFJ'S if I should leave her alone and if it's a doorslam or if I should try and talk to her?
Any help would be appreciated

I honestly would have doorslammed you too... because how would I know you weren't catfishing me? You truly don't know someone until you hang out in person a few times so what little foundation that was built was broken.

 

[Sacrophagus]

I honestly would have doorslammed you too... because how would I know you weren't catfishing me? You truly don't know someone until you hang out in person a few times so what little foundation that was built was broken.

Yeah, yeah. If you like him, you'll probably give him a second chance and say "That doesn't change anything, hubby" and blush or some shit.

---------

Personally, if it was I courting a woman, I won't give a fuck if she has a different name since I'm never into drama anyway. I'll probably just make up jokes about how I made reservations with her fake name and how she brought me into ruin, or how we should pretend now that she's a twin if I introduce her once again to the same person, or tell her "Jesus. Both names are terrible. I'll just call you Winky Butt now." and get her to make an official ID with that new name. I'll make her life miserably enjoyable.


The only surprise I won't go along with is finding out she has a big dick. Fuck no.

 

[Tilt]

Yeah, yeah. If you like him, you'll probably give him a second chance and say "That doesn't change anything, hubby" and blush or some shit.

Not necessarily. I would write him off for being a potential threat... I have connected and talked to certain men online for an extended period of time, but then something makes me feel really uncomfortable so I disengage before getting in too deep. It's a pragmatic approach. For a woman, it's usually an issue of perceived safety.

 

[notmyapples]

Yeah, yeah. If you like him, you'll probably give him a second chance and say "That doesn't change anything, hubby" and blush or some shit.

---------

Personally, if it was I courting a woman, I won't give a fuck if she has a different name since I'm never into drama anyway.

I understand that point of view but in the INFJ's case, I imagine the thought process was 'they lied about these facts about their life, the foundation of information that this relationship was based on is now unstable, this could become a pattern of behavior-' which is what caused the doorslam. OP also didn't mention how long they had been seeing this girl before they told them the truth, they could've only been talking for a few days or weeks at which dropping the other person for such dishonesty is much more reasonable than if it was done further along in the relationship.

To be honest, if I was talking to someone online, went on a date with them where we had tons in common and really hit it off but later found out that they had lied about both their name and age, I would question what else was a lie to rope me into that date. I understand the need for security, but it sounds like OP already went on a date with them before telling them the truth. It feels like if you're willing to meet up with someone, you should be comfortable with sharing such honesty with them too, right? If I were her I would feel like I was being set up to be trapped, I mean I get lying about your name but age? How old did they say they were on their profile and how old are they really? That's an important detail that people look into when searching for a significant other. It feels like a big red flag so early on in a relationship.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Indeed, it is a subjective matter. I totally understand why Consilience needs that feeling of security and consistency, or why you would feel they must be hiding other important details raising the suspicion that this must be one of their behavioral patterns.

The fact that I brought the situation personally, instead of objectively, is core knowledge that people would react differently.

I dated a girl who revealed later that she was older than I. What did it change? Nothing. Her personality mattered more to me than the other details. I replied with "Really? You look way fucking younger than your age. I thought you were a jailbait for a second." . She wasn't really surprised that I wasn't shocked. Age is something you will find out sooner or later anyway.

She was insecure about her age because of societal bullshit. Big deal.

Whenever a woman is talking to me, who's used to put a facade in some area, I playfully call her on her lies in a non-judgmental way, inspiring safety and confidence, or, if it's just trivia, I let it slide and retort "Yeah, sure" with a smirk.

I'm rarely reactive or threatened by the revelation of any "outlandish" information.

These are differences of our personalities and how we deal with situations. It's also the criteria upon which we base our choices. I put physical attraction, chemistry, vision, and femininity on top of my list. Another man who puts "A young woman" on top of the list must've left her on the spot because his mom would be against it or some crap.

 

[Starry]

Hi
I was wondering if any INFJ's can help me out, I met this girl on Tinder an INFJ and we got talking and we ended up having alot in common we agreed on meeting for dinner and hit it off really well, she seemed to get me, it was almost like a magnetic pull towards her, the thing is that I lied to her, I put a fake name and age on my tinder profile partly because I don't trust my real name or details being on there, I ended up telling her the truth last night and she texted me this morning saying that there is nothing I can say and that she never wants to speak to me again, I didn't put fake details on there to manipulate anyone and I'm definately not a person that can lie I just put them on there for my personal safety.
I feel really bad for not telling her sooner but my anxiety got the better of me, I know now I've lost her trust but she was really one of the few ppl that I've connected with.
I just want to know from other INFJ'S if I should leave her alone and if it's a doorslam or if I should try and talk to her?
Any help would be appreciated

Did you actually meet for dinner? I’m having a difficult time believing this is the true reason for her doorslam if this even qualifies as a doorslam. Unless there was a significant discrepancy in your stated age and actual age it’s hard to imagine a female (especially) not understanding another females reasons for wishing to remain anonymous with these type of personal, identifiable details until such a time that...ironically considering the content in the OP...a great deal of trust had been established. Perhaps there were other reasons she wanted to put an end to your short journey that were difficult to articulate and so she latched onto this idk.

 

[RoRoRabbit]

I can only speak for myself, but as an INFJ, I take lying (of course white lies usually get a pass, but if they accumulate, they might as well be a big lie) as a pretty serious slight early on in a relationship. Unfortunately, most people lie, even us INFJs, so depending on what it is, it can be forgiven.

Sidebar- I think the difference for me, with regards to lying is, I generally meticulously think over the risk vs reward (who's going to get hurt or what will happen if I'm found out) and lying is a much more calculated move, more often to protect someone I care about vs. to protect myself or make myself appear to be someone I'm not, or- if it is a selfish move, it's to keep someone out of my head that I have written off [i.e. "everything is good between us" when it most certainly is not]).

I would probably forgive you if I found your reasoning to be genuine, but it might require some big effort on your part. For example, if you can beg for a second chance, take her on a date, and give her an authentic breakdown of who you truly are. Bare your soul. In person is always better, as we can read whether you are being genuine or not. Over text or the phone just isn't the same. A handwritten letter might go a long way too. You'd have to beg for forgiveness, make a sacrifice, and a real genuine promise not to lie again as well as showing her who you are. But because it was so early on, she may not have anything emotionally invested in giving you a second chance and therefore no love lost in moving on with a clean break. It also depends on the timing of your reveal, if you revealed your lie earlier rather than later, you have a better chance. You also have to make her understand why. I think INFJs, at least myself, feel much more comfortable being their "authentic" selves on the internet vs. in person, so she may feel she gave a piece of herself away to someone who was deceiving her.. and who knows what else was deceitful. Which can make us feel foolish and embarrassed. If you can really breakdown why you did it, you might have a chance.

Sidebar- I had an old friend who was an INFP and we had a nice authentic connection. He was one of those rare people I could be myself around. I think if you can convince her the connection is real and you are truly sorry for having offended her, she might come around. Personally, it might be too early for a true "door slam" depending on how many dates you had.