Betty Blue
Let me count the ways
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Sounds like you could use some professional help with that, ever considered it?
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Why do you pursue a relationship?
- Thread starter INTerran
- Start date
Sounds like you could use some professional help with that, ever considered it?
Betty Blue
Let me count the ways
- Joined
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To be honest I have so much trauma from my last relationship that I'm pretty numb to the idea of forming a new one. It's only been five months but usually I move on pretty quickly emotionally, this seems different. Never say never but anytime I even get close to thinking about a person in a relationship respect in real life I cut off and feel 'meh'.
Cellmold
Wake, See, Sing, Dance
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- 6,266
I don't think that would help me, really (thanks for the suggestion though), but at the moment I'm doing really well, I've started to see a way forward and work is settling down.
I guess I can't picture how to fit professional help into my life and finances. I'm also hyper conscious of these flaws, so I'm unwilling to get into any close relations until I feel or have evidence that I've developed in a better way.
1487610420
Permabanned
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tony_goth
Pseudo-delusional Rebel
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I'm looking for affection, intellectual stimulation, and emotional fear.
Being in admiration by her physical and spiritual beauty.
Feeling forced to seduce her in return.
I need to learn how to admire women first.
Then I need to learn how to assess psychological impact on women.
Then I need to learn how to have favorable psychological impact to them.
EJCC
The Devil of TypoC
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1) I am so rarely attracted to anyone (I’m demiromantic) that it’s a Serious Thing when I finally am - so when I know, I know.
2) Partnership, togetherness, intimacy, love, joy.
3) Having someone to share everything with.
4) See #1.
Tilt
Active member
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I fooled around a lot but decided to take a risk because I was getting bored and unhappy. I am usually not a "relationship" type of person.... in fact, I didn't get in one until I was almost 30. Anxious-avoidant attachment style FTW, lol
My SO and I seem to have very complimentary values and visions so I am hoping for the best. Interestingly, I am ENFJ and he's ISTP but we don't seem all that opposite.
My SO and I seem to have very complimentary values and visions so I am hoping for the best. Interestingly, I am ENFJ and he's ISTP but we don't seem all that opposite.
Predominantly, the way they make me feel... am I excited to see them and talk to them? Do I think about them all the time? Do they make me smile when they aren't even around.
The best thing about being with someone is knowing I am the best version of myself and they are the best version of themselves. When we're constantly looking out for each other. Even the small things like asking if they need a glass of water. You want to make sure they are happy as that makes you happy!
Schrödinger's Name
Blessed With A Curse
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*ATTENTION; I need attention!!*
Ok honestly, just someone to have interesting conversations with, someone to cuddle with, to get inspired, to feel validated, to give my life a purpose,... It doesn't even have to be love, an interesting/exciting friendship is cool too.
Ok honestly, just someone to have interesting conversations with, someone to cuddle with, to get inspired, to feel validated, to give my life a purpose,... It doesn't even have to be love, an interesting/exciting friendship is cool too.
1487610420
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nope
Mind Maverick
ENTP 8w7 845 Sp/Sx
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I pursue a relationship because it's a natural instinct. Humans mate just like animals, but we have higher intelligence than animals, so our processes are more complex. I am already in a relationship and am therefore not pursuing new relationships currently, but aside from instinct I also pursue because the right relationships are enjoyable and they add value to my life. It's not that complicated. I think most of the other reasons that can be listed are just perks rather than the actual primary reason.
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I don’t really pursue or search for relationships. I don’t feel lonely when alone, so I guess I’ve never actively felt the need to find “a someone.†Relationships happen organically for me, over time. I don’t chase love. It simply grows on its own under the right conditions.
When those conditions are right (intellectual chemistry, emotional trust, attraction, etc), I choose to foster that growth (out of a desire to maintain the connection that’s developed between us) because it’s fulfilling. It enhances my life. Love doesn’t really need reason beyond that. Share one another, grow together. And, if we grow apart, it’s okay, too. Healthy love makes us better people, in the end.
When those conditions are right (intellectual chemistry, emotional trust, attraction, etc), I choose to foster that growth (out of a desire to maintain the connection that’s developed between us) because it’s fulfilling. It enhances my life. Love doesn’t really need reason beyond that. Share one another, grow together. And, if we grow apart, it’s okay, too. Healthy love makes us better people, in the end.
Maou
Mythos
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Connection, so I can lie to myself about having meaning in life. By myself, I spiral into insanity because I am too fucked up to function without something keeping me looking forward to the future.
Firebird 8118
DJ Phoenix
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Well now, that’s a nice way to put it.
Hmm... if I have to pursue a relationship at all, it would be the sake of helping my partner find their happiness in life (physically, emotionally and spiritually), the same way my partner would help me find mine.
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#mosthonest.
Siúil a Rúin
when the colors fade
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What is it about a person that makes you want to pursue a relationship with a person?
If I admire their intelligence and kindness, and if I think they have the capacity to *see* me and love me deeply.
What are you looking for/hoping to find in a relationship?
I am hoping to be with someone who is madly in love with me. I've had three long-term, live together/married relationships in my life and in each case they had a kind of pragmatic fondness for me, partly because I tried to give them everything they wanted of me, but the process of leaving/separating demonstrated that not one would risk anything to be with me. Not one even said "I love you, you are a wonderful person, a special person, please stay". During the relationship not one made anything beyond a minimal, cursory effort in negotiation with me, so I always had to do all the bending/stretching/adapting. I'll go along thinking the best, assuming I'm loved, and then a line is eventually crossed that undermines my entire paradigm of the relationship and I realize they couldn't possibly love me in a reciprocal way. I end up feeling used because the relationships were always the best when the person had no money and needed me, but when they got settled in a career with good pay, I became minimally relevant.
I also have the problem of being super laid back and flexible about basic living and so I adapt the specific brands of bread they eat, the shows they want to watch, how often the house is cleaned, what time they go to bed, how money is spent, etc. Then they assume everything about me doesn't matter, but I have some emotional triggers and sensitivities, so they get used to dismissing what I may want or need and transfer it to the emotional realm, I become devastated, my functioning goes downhill, and then I leave. I want to be with someone who doesn't dismiss me emotionally, and especially doesn't dismiss my body - both in terms of the pain it experiences and intimacy.
Edit: I'll add that in all cases the emotional and physical connections were not high for their values and what they wanted or needed - so I mostly resigned to seeing it as incompatibility. They tended to be relatively content with the relationship before I left (I chose to end each one), mostly because the aspect of my emotionality they didn't like they were able to dismiss until I reached a breaking point, then they rejected it and I left. I'm not so much angry at individuals, but frustrated with the nature of humanity or something. [/edit]
What are the best things about being with another person?
I love sharing experiences and jokes, having funny inside jokes, and of course physical intimacy is central. I don't have the ability to sleep with strangers or acquaintances, so it is reliant on having a partner. When one relationship starts taking a tailspin, friends always cite the conventional wisdom - take time alone, etc. But if you just spent the last several years alone and with minimal physical intimacy, that advice feels demoralizing. Then they go one to talk about feminist things regarding individual identity and not needing a man, etc. I have zero investment in identity regarding relationships because I have a very cool identity professionally and so forth, but no one talks about the issue of being very emotionally driven, very intimacy driven, and sexually driven. Having that combination in this world is hell because you actually do need another human being, but a particularly special one. I can tell the people for whom sexuality is important based on how they talk about having relationships. The ones that are fine living at great distances or who treat it casually don't have that much physical need, even if they slap it on the side as identity. Our culture pressures everyone to have an identity of being sexy, so lots of people talk it up, but then in reality after life becomes routine and familiar - it is suddenly optional.
And on a side note, at what point do you know you want to stop being single and form a relationship with another person? What is the tipping point?There is only one person I feel I can be with, but it is still going to be a while before we can completely be together. I've never wanted to be single and I spend enough time going on walks alone, that I don't need to learn how to be alone. I've spent most of my life alone. I grew up as the younger sister, always shared a room, played lots of fun times together, and that is my framework for living. I'm used to having a buddy, and so I hope this one last hope of mine happens because I'm in a conundrum where it hurts more to be with most people than alone, but it also hurts to be alone.
If I admire their intelligence and kindness, and if I think they have the capacity to *see* me and love me deeply.
What are you looking for/hoping to find in a relationship?
I am hoping to be with someone who is madly in love with me. I've had three long-term, live together/married relationships in my life and in each case they had a kind of pragmatic fondness for me, partly because I tried to give them everything they wanted of me, but the process of leaving/separating demonstrated that not one would risk anything to be with me. Not one even said "I love you, you are a wonderful person, a special person, please stay". During the relationship not one made anything beyond a minimal, cursory effort in negotiation with me, so I always had to do all the bending/stretching/adapting. I'll go along thinking the best, assuming I'm loved, and then a line is eventually crossed that undermines my entire paradigm of the relationship and I realize they couldn't possibly love me in a reciprocal way. I end up feeling used because the relationships were always the best when the person had no money and needed me, but when they got settled in a career with good pay, I became minimally relevant.
I also have the problem of being super laid back and flexible about basic living and so I adapt the specific brands of bread they eat, the shows they want to watch, how often the house is cleaned, what time they go to bed, how money is spent, etc. Then they assume everything about me doesn't matter, but I have some emotional triggers and sensitivities, so they get used to dismissing what I may want or need and transfer it to the emotional realm, I become devastated, my functioning goes downhill, and then I leave. I want to be with someone who doesn't dismiss me emotionally, and especially doesn't dismiss my body - both in terms of the pain it experiences and intimacy.
Edit: I'll add that in all cases the emotional and physical connections were not high for their values and what they wanted or needed - so I mostly resigned to seeing it as incompatibility. They tended to be relatively content with the relationship before I left (I chose to end each one), mostly because the aspect of my emotionality they didn't like they were able to dismiss until I reached a breaking point, then they rejected it and I left. I'm not so much angry at individuals, but frustrated with the nature of humanity or something. [/edit]
What are the best things about being with another person?
I love sharing experiences and jokes, having funny inside jokes, and of course physical intimacy is central. I don't have the ability to sleep with strangers or acquaintances, so it is reliant on having a partner. When one relationship starts taking a tailspin, friends always cite the conventional wisdom - take time alone, etc. But if you just spent the last several years alone and with minimal physical intimacy, that advice feels demoralizing. Then they go one to talk about feminist things regarding individual identity and not needing a man, etc. I have zero investment in identity regarding relationships because I have a very cool identity professionally and so forth, but no one talks about the issue of being very emotionally driven, very intimacy driven, and sexually driven. Having that combination in this world is hell because you actually do need another human being, but a particularly special one. I can tell the people for whom sexuality is important based on how they talk about having relationships. The ones that are fine living at great distances or who treat it casually don't have that much physical need, even if they slap it on the side as identity. Our culture pressures everyone to have an identity of being sexy, so lots of people talk it up, but then in reality after life becomes routine and familiar - it is suddenly optional.
And on a side note, at what point do you know you want to stop being single and form a relationship with another person? What is the tipping point?There is only one person I feel I can be with, but it is still going to be a while before we can completely be together. I've never wanted to be single and I spend enough time going on walks alone, that I don't need to learn how to be alone. I've spent most of my life alone. I grew up as the younger sister, always shared a room, played lots of fun times together, and that is my framework for living. I'm used to having a buddy, and so I hope this one last hope of mine happens because I'm in a conundrum where it hurts more to be with most people than alone, but it also hurts to be alone.
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2016
- Messages
- 23,636
What is it about a person that makes you want to pursue a relationship with a person?
It varies. Usually I feel their potential for a good time. If it's complimentary to my own, why not pass the time together for a spell?
What are you looking for/hoping to find in a relationship?
Enjoyable Stimulation. Depth of Connection.
What are the best things about being with another person?
Companionship. Survival. Another perspective. Sex.
And on a side note, at what point do you know you want to stop being single and form a relationship with another person? What is the tipping point?
In some ways I always do. In others I never do. Its not so much a tipping point as a pivot point.
It varies. Usually I feel their potential for a good time. If it's complimentary to my own, why not pass the time together for a spell?
What are you looking for/hoping to find in a relationship?
Enjoyable Stimulation. Depth of Connection.
What are the best things about being with another person?
Companionship. Survival. Another perspective. Sex.
And on a side note, at what point do you know you want to stop being single and form a relationship with another person? What is the tipping point?
In some ways I always do. In others I never do. Its not so much a tipping point as a pivot point.
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