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Why do you pursue a relationship?

SurrealisticSlumbers

📠girl in an 🎠world
Joined
Dec 31, 2016
Messages
681
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
What is it about a person that makes you want to pursue a relationship with a person?

I'm thinking you're a bit young yet. Simply put, it's how the human race - yes, you and me, are wired - unless you are deeply autistic or a clinical narcissist. "Pair bonding," it's a thing!

As the song goes, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn / Is just to love and be loved in return" :heart:
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
6,266
Put simply: I don't, or at least very rarely.

I've got quite a low sex drive and intimacy is a block for me. I don't know many, if any, who want a sexless relationship with little intimacy. The problem is I can talk about any issues I'm experiencing, quite freely, but I don't feel any weight behind the words.

I hold no emotional connection to my personal issues beyond anger and misery & frankly people don't want to be around someone like that so I've taken great lengths to make sure that it is buried deep. Now I know that is immediately unhealthy, but the reason is that my emotional content is largely ephemeral and inconsequential, but nevertheless has a strong hold on me, so when certain subjects come up, if I don't stay vigilant, it's like a tide of vitriol coming out and it appears to be endless. No attempt to seek out help has ever ended well or with a resolution.

So the only reasonable approach I feel I can take is enormous amounts of self-control and suppression. I tend to take a pseudo-philosophical bent in my pursuit of this, reminding myself that my pains are largely illusory, that there are much worse situations to be in, that relatively those issues will always be minute in comparison & that there are always much much worse situations to be in.

Despite this, there is a part of me that seems to want to hold onto that pain and dwell on it (without meaning to make it sound like I'm passing responsibility...it is still 'me' for an uncounted amount of 'me-ness' that thinks this) and so I don't think anyone has ever hurt me so much that I should subject them to this in a prolonged relationship.

I'm fine with brief or superficial relations, people tend not to see any of the issues when I keep things to that level. It's when I have to be in close proximity to the same person or people for a long time outside of a work context...then it becomes a problem. On top of that, all I really do is work (and not with a great deal of reward either) and so I don't think it's fair to others when I haven't sorted my shit out.

Any person who could love me in that intimate way would have to have a immeasurably tough nature.

Maybe in 10-15 years time, when I am more settled and hopefully more financially secure.....although I'll be pretty old by then.

The other side to this is that I find social relationships quite difficult, I have to work extremely hard to interact on a normal level & I'm constantly aware that if I slip up, the dam will burst and my bile will come out and people will see me for what I really am.

I just don't relate to other people very well, despite having a similar life when compared with some of them.

Yet I remain an extraverted personality.
 

GirlSmartStreet

New member
Joined
May 20, 2018
Messages
50
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
8w7
i think people usually pursue happiness, and expect to have it in a relationship. But in fact, it is much more complicated. I mean, i don't think i am unhappy now. And i am single. And being in a relationship can make people unhappy too sometimes.

But a human could simply feel lonely, no matter how loner a human is. Afraid of being suddenly alone makes people want to have an exclusive someone.

Personally, i never really pursue a relationship. But i had tested the water a lot. I've dated a lot of times, but it is a bit too hard for me to commit one. A Healthy relationship needs consistant nurturing, heart, time, and sincerity. And i don't think i can put so much effort right now. if an exlusive relationship can level up my happiness, i don't think i have to rush it. I don't feel happy or unhappy right now, and i'm okay with that. There are a lot of things other than a relationship i want to figure out.
 

rishkabibble

New member
Joined
May 29, 2018
Messages
1
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w3
In all honesty, I don't just want to be liked, I want to be adored. Maybe it's the ENFP in me or maybe it's just the massive ego but for me, a romantic partner offers stability in that there's someone I can turn to when I'm feeling insecure and less *glittery*, if that makes sense? It's why I can't stand it when a potential bf/gf is wishy-washy.
 

1487610420

Permabanned
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
6,431
well, clearly the obvious answer is ofc



 

Abcdenfp

Terpsichore
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
1,669
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W8
Put simply: I don't, or at least very rarely. I've got quite a low sex drive and intimacy is a block for me. I don't know many, if any, who want a sexless relationship with little intimacy. The problem is I can talk about any issues I'm experiencing, quite freely, but I don't feel any weight behind the words. I hold no emotional connection to my personal issues beyond anger and misery & frankly people don't want to be around someone like that so I've taken great lengths to make sure that it is buried deep. Now I know that is immediately unhealthy, but the reason is that my emotional content is largely ephemeral and inconsequential, but nevertheless has a strong hold on me, so when certain subjects come up, if I don't stay vigilant, it's like a tide of vitriol coming out and it appears to be endless. No attempt to seek out help has ever ended well or with a resolution. So the only reasonable approach I feel I can take is enormous amounts of self-control and suppression. I tend to take a pseudo-philosophical bent in my pursuit of this, reminding myself that my pains are largely illusory, that there are much worse situations to be in, that relatively those issues will always be minute in comparison & that there are always much much worse situations to be in. Despite this, there is a part of me that seems to want to hold onto that pain and dwell on it (without meaning to make it sound like I'm passing responsibility...it is still 'me' for an uncounted amount of 'me-ness' that thinks this) and so I don't think anyone has ever hurt me so much that I should subject them to this in a prolonged relationship. I'm fine with brief or superficial relations, people tend not to see any of the issues when I keep things to that level. It's when I have to be in close proximity to the same person or people for a long time outside of a work context...then it becomes a problem. On top of that, all I really do is work (and not with a great deal of reward either) and so I don't think it's fair to others when I haven't sorted my shit out. Any person who could love me in that intimate way would have to have a immeasurably tough nature. Maybe in 10-15 years time, when I am more settled and hopefully more financially secure.....although I'll be pretty old by then. The other side to this is that I find social relationships quite difficult, I have to work extremely hard to interact on a normal level & I'm constantly aware that if I slip up, the dam will burst and my bile will come out and people will see me for what I really am. I just don't relate to other people very well, despite having a similar life when compared with some of them. Yet I remain an extraverted personality.
so many questions when i read this.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
6,266
so many questions when i read this.

There isn't too much mystery, I was just reactive, neurotic, cowardly and defensive as a child, so now I'm developmentally delayed (with an early life crisis to boot) and I harbour a resentment towards myself for creating my own problems. While at the same time knowing that they aren't major problems and (when being honest with myself) I have it far far better than most and so there is a guilt over my ungratefulness.

So now I'm trying to move towards being someone who works out how to solve problems, rather than whine and dwell on them. And since I cannot see anything helpful being gained on an examination (they've been analysed to a redundant level) and sometimes you realise that you are almost entirely responsible, so there isn't much room for playing the victim & that isn't really a great thing to do to yourself or others either.

Now I attempt to take responsibility and remind myself to just get on with it.

PS: I was probably having a bad day when I wrote the original post, hence why I describe my emotions as "ephemeral". I try to avoid the influence of such fleeting states, but it's not always so obvious, in the moment, that you're in the grip of them. So it's not to be trusted & neither am I.
 

Obfuscate

Permabanned
Joined
Aug 20, 2016
Messages
1,907
MBTI Type
iNtP
Enneagram
954
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
What is it about a person that makes you want to pursue a relationship with a person? What are you looking for/hoping to find in a relationship? What are the best things about being with another person?

And on a side note, at what point do you know you want to stop being single and form a relationship with another person? What is the tipping point?

i have decieded to assign my awnsers numbers that directly correlate to the order in which your questions were asked...

1. percieved mutual interest, a personal sense of sustainability, mutual sexual interest, availibilty (in terms of being free from inhibiting social contracts, in addition to time to be together), respect for their integrity/morality, and mutual tolerance of eachother's interests and habits...

2. a companion and sexual partner... preferablly one that will last until someone dies, but i am okay with the idea that not every attempt will end in that result... which is good, because as of yet, i have failed...

3. to be honest, there is no consistent awnser for this... everyone is different; what is best about being with them will also vary...

4.-5. i am never certain until i am over that edge... i sort of float the idea around and then something clicks... generally it is after someone expresses interest and i have had time to assess the risk, benefit, and liklihood of success... i have jumped into things i knew were a bad idea because if it would have worked out, it would have worked out at extremely well... sometimes i am still debating if i like the idea well after things have begun to develop... if i had a betrer system of determining this, i might be more active in the seeking process...
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Its enjoyable...love, company, help, trust, and all the other things that go along with it.
 

Mr Kovacs

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2018
Messages
62
MBTI Type
ENTP
To be loved, to love, to laugh and to share my Ne with, creative activities, occasionally to burn out together, getting each other sexually, sex in public and nudism. I am at the beginning of something with an ENFP girl and hope this will also match her nature.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
Joined
Nov 21, 2008
Messages
7,708
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
738
The sugar daddy moneyz


 

Patches

Klingon Warrior Princess
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
5,505
Mostly a desire to get laid regularly by someone I know doesn't have herpes.


Cuddling and watching movies isn't so bad, but not nearly as much of a driving influence.
 

Deprecator

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2017
Messages
584
I don't really 'pursue' relationships, but if the opportunity presented itself then I'd still happily participate in one so long as we were on the same page regarding certain elements of our private lives.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I don't really 'pursue' relationships, but if the opportunity presented itself then I'd still happily participate in one so long as we were on the same page regarding certain elements of our private lives.
That has been my approach as well, and I have been happy with the results.
 

AI_INTJ

New member
Joined
May 25, 2018
Messages
28
Feeling understood is what makes me fall in love and crave a relationship with that person. If I am missing that key component nothing else about them matters — not looks, not interests, not even so-called chemistry. I need someone to "get" me, and I need them to feel I "get" them. When that happens, I fall hard and fast and usually get hurt. Oops.
 

Mr Kovacs

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2018
Messages
62
MBTI Type
ENTP
Listening to "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" DFW
That's it.
 
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