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  1. #1
    Member ugghh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    3w2 sp/sx
    ILE Ne

    Default How do I help an INFP “in the grip”?

    I'm ENTP, and I live with an INFP. (We're both enneagram 3.) Recently he seems to be displaying very negative sides of Te in an uncharacteristic way. For example, he'll spend a lot of time complaining about people who don't follow traffic rules, don't dress properly, he'll make me be responsible for shopping, cooking and laundry and then cry about how my way is inefficient (I have tried to make deals with him where he gets to be responsible for these things and I do other things, but the result was that we had to go shopping twice a day and I ran out of clean clothes, so I'm not falling for that again lol) he also compares his productivity with mine and freaks out about how he's falling short. He avoids hanging out with his friends because he feels like it's a waste of time...
    Is there a good way to help him snap out of it and become his normal self?

  2. #2
    Member equinoxx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    9w1 sx/sp


    Be patient with him. Reassure him that nobody's perfect. Tell him that even people who seem super productive & hard-working on the surface have their lazy days and need leisure time once and a while. Let him know that not everyone has the same amount of productivity, and that's okay. Everyone's level of work is different because we're all different individuals with different lives.

    As an INFP myself, when I fall into Te grip I often feel the need to boss people around and tell them what to do to mask my own insecurities about my level of productivity. Sometimes you just need to be blunt and tell him "no" if he starts acting like this. And when he's feeling down, find a way to boost his motivation. Pep talk, encourage him to exercise or something, etc. But if that doesn't work, and he doesn't want to help himself, there's nothing you can really do. Sometimes we need to get out of the "grip" ourselves. At the end of the day, he mostly just needs support & acceptance.
    INXP - 9w1 6w7 4w5 sx/sp - phlegmatic-melancholic - ravenclaw
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  3. #3
    Fabula rasa Kas's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015


    Not sure if that's similar case, but usually I act similar way when I am frustrated about something or simply tired. So my guess (if he wasn't acting this way before ) is that it may not be about traffic cooking or laundry. I usually start to plan everything and need to have everything done correctly when there is something I am not satisfied with about myself - eg when during studies I was displeased with my exam results I obsessively planned my study time and even socializing, so someone just calling or trying to take me out somewhere spontaneously (which usually makes me happy) annoyed me a lot. I get far more competitive then too. Maybe he needs to talk or have a break.

    Some of these behaviours can be just his traits, but if you say that he changed lately, I would think about the first one.

    Seems to me that the best would be to ask him whether something is happening. Even if he wouldn't tell, at least he will know that he can come to you with a problem.
    “The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes." A.C. Doyle

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  4. #4
    self murderer
    Join Date
    Nov 2015


    Take a break from this relationship. Let him know that this is very inappropriate to conduct himself as a full grown adult. You can only be compassionate for so long before the other person thinks they can just behave as callously as they like.. and know they can get away with it, because they know you'll let them back in anyway. Put your foot down. Move out temporarily if you need to, and get some space. It's one thing to show weakness and vulnerability in a relationship.. but this will spiral out of control and will end very badly. Trust me on this.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007


    Man, break up with his ass. People should be able to run red lights and knock drivers up the intersection for fun.
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  6. #6


    Slap him upside his head.

    Seriously. If we start going ranty it’s like a skipping record.

    Slap him figuratively and if necessary, literally.
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